Girlfriend on Contiki tour in Europe

[JD2121]

Hi all,

I am going to include as much detail as possible to paint a decent picture of the situation: My girlfriend of 2 years of whom i live with, left on an 8 week europe trip about 3 weeks ago. The first leg of her trip she was in London with family and was constantly messaging me letting me know how much she loved/missed me and wanted to facetime/call every other day. 6 days ago she started her contiki tour and her attitude toward me has completely shifted 180 degrees. She doesn’t message me unless its in response to me messaging her- we could go days without talking if i did not reach out. She only tells me she loves me after i say it to her first and she has been making up excuses around calling so we haven’t facetimed since. When she does reply to my messages, it is a very one way conversation and her replies are blunt, 2 word responses. She has recently turned her active status off on facebook to hide when she is online but I can still see that she is active and online on instagram.

 

There is this guy in her group that she has been posting stories with and commenting inside jokes on each others posts and this has gotten me thinking that she is giving me the cold shoulder so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about building something with this guy.

A couple of days ago I brought it up to her about how I felt and she said that she had just been very busy and that she will do better, however it has gotten worse since then.

 

She has 4 weeks left of her trip, 20 more days with this contiki group. I have so far tried to reign in my emotions and not bring up my feelings to her as I try to tell myself that she is just enjoying her time. But it is hard for me to think everything is okay when she is acting so cold towards me. I want to talk her via facetime or call so I can hear her tone and be real with her but I know she will keep finding excuses. I want to bluntly ask if she still wants to be in a relationship with me but I believe she will react badly and say ‘not when you are like this’ or similar.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions or opinions for me?

 

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, JD2121 said:

. I want to talk her via facetime or call so I can hear her tone and be real with her but I know she will keep finding excuses. 

Sorry this is happening.  How old is she? How is your relationship otherwise? Why did she go without you? How can she afford it and the time off?

Definitely disconcerting given the reputation of these tours. Are you concerned about the drinking and partying?

Try suggesting facetime. However just listen and catch up. Save heavy discussions for when she's back 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, is maybe best to leave all alone until she returns.  if she's out on vacay and is being put into a tough spot by you, this could cause some resentment, as there's no way to fix this issue at all while she's away & being active.

Can you maybe try & NOT be in her face with concerns and get out and do your own thing?  She;s out there, having some fun, why don't you as well? Go hang with some friends, be active, etc.

Deal with this when she's back.

[Kwothe28]

Well yes, when she was with parents she behaved but now when she is on tour, she let loose there. Lots of drinks, lots of fun and probably lots of opportunities to cheat. To have a vacation fling. Its not really fair to you that she acts that way toward you. And that should maybe concern you more then the threat of cheating. Its certanly something you should talk about. However yes, its better to do it in person. 

Also, why arent you with her? Far that you shouldnt have faith into her but you practically send her to "singles tour" for young people. You sent "a sheep to the slaughter" sort of speak. You live together so why arent you both on joint vacation?

[Kampuniform3]

Oh, mate, this sounds like the tortures of the damned! 

I can't say that I'm overly enthralled by her behaviour, as all this carrying on must be crippling for you. 

4 weeks is a long time to be waiting in this purgatory, but until she specifically states otherwise, I suggest you conduct yourself as if the relationship is still perfectly intact.

Hope for the best, but also stay level-headed in the event that something has gone amiss.

 

 

[JD2121]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  How old is she? How is your relationship otherwise? Why did she go without you? How can she afford it and the time off?

Definitely disconcerting given the reputation of these tours. Are you concerned about the drinking and partying?

Try suggesting facetime. However just listen and catch up. Save heavy discussions for when she's back 

We are both 24, she went on this tour with a female friend. I couldn’t find the time off work to join them. Our relationship was good, shed some tears together at the airport when she left. She has usually been the one who is jealous/clingy/emotional so this shift in her character is hurting me

I am not usually one to be concerned as she has gone out on her own when at home and gotten drunk/partied but that often resulted in her messaging me a lot on the night that she loved/missed me and would often want me to go and pick her up.

What is concerning me is the shift in attitude and the growing relationship with this other guy. I feel she is trying to minimise contact with me so as to enjoy this fling and not think about the repercussions until she returns

[JD2121]

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well yes, when she was with parents she behaved but now when she is on tour, she let loose there. Lots of drinks, lots of fun and probably lots of opportunities to cheat. To have a vacation fling. Its not really fair to you that she acts that way toward you. And that should maybe concern you more then the threat of cheating. Its certanly something you should talk about. However yes, its better to do it in person. 

Also, why arent you with her? Far that you shouldnt have faith into her but you practically send her to "singles tour" for young people. You sent "a sheep to the slaughter" sort of speak. You live together so why arent you both on joint vacation?

Similar to response above, she went with a female friend and this is part of their trip before splitting off on their own again in the last week or so. I couldn’t find the time off work as i work in finance and EOFY reporting has limited my ability to take time off during this time of the year. I had no trust issues until this change in character, and this new guy, came onto the scene

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, JD2121 said:

What is concerning me is the shift in attitude and the growing relationship with this other guy. I feel she is trying to minimise contact with me so as to enjoy this fling and not think about the repercussions until she returns

You may be right. If I were in your shoes, I might have the same worries. Difficult position to be in.

[Cherylyn]

Don't bother her.  Back off.  Let her enjoy her trip and wait until she comes home so she can share her travels with you.  In the meantime,  don't obsess over her.  Get busy with your own life and then reconvene again. 

[MissCanuck]

I would also be concerned, OP. 

She is traveling and having the time of her life, yes. It's normal that contact would drop a bit. But not to the point that you are describing. 

I would do your best to wait until she gets back and then have a talk. Something is off. 

[Batya33]

Don’t message her again. I think you already know she enjoys drinking and partying without you. Which is fine even if you two were married but it sounds like she does it to pretend she is single and let loose as if she is single. I have male friends and always have and when I enjoyed going out at night dancing in my teens 20s and 30s I would do so with friends even if my partner wasn’t there - meaning if I was serious with someone. I personally never got drunk in my life - tipsy once or twice but barely. Also I never acted inappropriately.
 Even I would have not been ok with going on a singles tour - just kind of playing with fire and not a good look ?? It sounds like she’s really into the whole single life and posting on social media about it etc. I’m sorry. Just leave her be and I know it’s hard to wai but id wait till she returns. 

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, JD2121 said:

She doesn’t message me unless its in response to me messaging her- we could go days without talking if i did not reach out. She only tells me she loves me after i say it to her first and she has been making up excuses around calling so we haven’t facetimed since. When she does reply to my messages, it is a very one way conversation and her replies are blunt, 2 word responses. She has recently turned her active status off on facebook to hide when she is online but I can still see that she is active and online on instagram.

 

There is this guy in her group that she has been posting stories with and commenting inside jokes on each others posts and this has gotten me thinking that she is giving me the cold shoulder so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about building something with this guy.

For the first paragraph in quotes, you're giving your side. Perhaps you were messaging too often because the change in her pattern made you suspicious, and your clinginess is off-putting. I don't know, just a guess.

As for the second paragraph, well, she chose to be in a tour group of people in her age group for a reason. If a person was with a buddy and the main goal was to see the sights, they wouldn't care about the ages of the other people on the tour bus. Do you two have any rules about opposite sex friendships?

You don't like her behavior, so perhaps take this as good info you need to know. 

Four weeks seems like a long time to you, but in the grand scheme, it's a quick blip in time. Don't get into arguments or serious discussions until she returns. Keep yourself busy by hanging out with friends, starting a new hobby, working out your stress at the gym or jogging, etc.

If she's created a friendship with the tour buddy, will you be okay with her keeping in contact with him? Best to know your relationship boundaries, and if you haven't discussed them before, see if you're on the same page when she gets back. And what is this about her jealousy? Is this a regular stressor in your life? Or does it boost your ego? How does she act and for what reason?

It could be the case she's decided she's too young to be in a serious relationship, and needs to sow more wild oats before settling down. It could be you are overreacting and you're being a downer while she's trying to enjoy her vacation. It could be that you two have different relationship boundaries and aren't a good match. If that's the case, it's better to not try to change her, as she will just resent you if you act like a parental figure. It's best to find someone who matches your boundaries. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Coily]

While i too would be concerned with the sudden lack of initiation by her, I also can't fault her but so much. Maybe it's because I am a Black-out traveler, aka I just let people know I'm safe from time to time, I really don't like being in communication with the rest of the world while exploring.

Save the heavy conversations for when she gets back, and find some other adventures for you to go on.

[kehratha]

You feelings are legit and maybe your concerns also.

Thing is, there is nothing you can do for now, just let her be, because I believe if you do/say smth in the heat of the moment, you will be sorry.

4 weeks it's a long time when you are waiting, but you have to suck it up and have THE talk when she's back.

[catfeeder]

We can’t guilt someone into behaving as we would wish, especially since you’re concerned that whatever contact you do have is no longer voluntary from her.

So instead of trying to impose more contact, which will not offer you one speck of control, I’d make this less about her feelings and intentions and more about my own.

I would use this time to evaluate how willing I am to plan a future with someone who is so capable of shutting me down.

From there your anticipation of her return can be focused on what YOU intend to do rather than torturing yourself about her excuses.

Speaking only for myself, if a live-in lover ever disregarded me this way, I’d get clear pretty quickly that I don’t deserve this or want to invest in someone who would do this.

This clarity would carry me forward rather than keep me focused on scratching and clawing for some shred of disbelief that my lover is treating me this way. She is treating you this way. So now, what do you want to do for yourself?

[JD2121]

Hi all, thank you all for your replies it has been extremely helpful reading them all.

 

An update: We finally had a facetime call the other day. It was very helpful and a lot of things were said. She said to me that she had been cold and blunt because in the first leg of her trip (pre contiki) she felt she was being overbearing on me and so decided to distance herself from me and ‘enjoy herself’ as she believed it wouldn’t be an issue and i would be okay. She admitted that she knew how she was acting toward me was wrong and that she knew she was hurting me but didn’t want to deal with it. 

She also told me that this trip has made her realise she was extremely unhappy and a ‘shell of a person’ at home and that she is nervous/dreading coming home. I asked her if ‘at home’ included our relationship and she just said ‘idk its everything, everything in my life’. She said she was nervous to come back home because she would not be excited when we greet each other at the airport and she wouldn’t know how to explain that to me.

On the other hand, I told her since she left that I have really been reflecting on my behaviour in our relationship and that I believe I took her company, and her in general, for granted. She said that I was only feeling this way because she was gone, I replied that it took her not being here for me to have this deep reflection about my actions and that I never want to go back to that. She said she wasn’t expecting that from me and that she has a lot to think about and process.

However after this she did say that she loved me and that she wanted to work through this. She said that she wants the exciting life we have talked about but she needs to clear her head and figure out her life.

For reference: she is an ICU nurse and she has major surgery booked in August when she returns.

I thought this conversation was a massive step in the right direction, even though there were some areas of vagueness which concerned me.

However, since that call, the next day she has reverted almost immediately back to the blunt one/two word responses and disinterest.

I feel even though that call was positive, and that she told me she loved me, her behaviour since is telling me that when she said she ‘needs to figure out her life’ she meant whether she wants me in it or not

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, JD2121 said:

She said to me that she had been cold and blunt because in the first leg of her trip (pre contiki) she felt she was being overbearing on me and so decided to distance herself from me and ‘enjoy herself’

Yeah, no. That's a crock.

2 hours ago, JD2121 said:

She said she was nervous to come back home because she would not be excited when we greet each other at the airport and she wouldn’t know how to explain that to me.

Not good. She is having doubts about the relationship, and now you know it. Yes, she says she wants to work through it but it sounds as though she's already got a foot out the door. 

2 hours ago, JD2121 said:

since is telling me that when she said she ‘needs to figure out her life’ she meant whether she wants me in it or not

This is what she means but isn't quite saying, yes. 

See how the new few weeks go, but understand that something has shifted for her. It seems that her experiences on this trip have made her realize some things and wonder about what else might be out there. 

[kehratha]

5 hours ago, JD2121 said:

 

 

She also told me that this trip has made her realise she was extremely unhappy and a ‘shell of a person’ at home and that she is nervous/dreading coming home. I asked her if ‘at home’ included our relationship and she just said ‘idk its everything, everything in my life’. She said she was nervous to come back home because she would not be excited when we greet each other at the airport and she wouldn’t know how to explain that to me.

 

I am sorry, OP, but that's sound very bad.

It's like for you absence makes the heart grow fonder, but for her it does the opposite.

I'm not saying this relationship is beyond salvation, but when someone is dreading coming home (to you) doesn't seem there are many chances there.  

[Batya33]

What kind of “work” is she planning to do and when will this work begin -apparently not now. It’s a throwaway line so she keeps you on the hook in case she has another epiphany of OMG that was me in vacation mode but I need a boyfriend at home and I kinda miss him so I’ll “work” through my “doubts “.  
it’s not fair of her.
 

Being direct is hard when it involves showing vulnerability and needs- and I’ve been married and with my husband almost 18 years. It’s humbling and you do it if you give a darn. About the other person. Meaning you express the hard stuff directly because it’s the best way not to let it fester and affect the relationship overall.
She cares mostly about herself and being so called “free” and letting loose while you keep the home fires comfy. then if she dangles “work through “ she can keep you as an option.  Don’t be someone’s option. I’d tell her to have a good time, you hope she resolves all her internal turmoil and you’re happy to speak when she gets home but for now you’re going to give her space and you as well will take space to reflect. What she said - tell her- made you wonder about whether you two are a good fit. 
certainly I wouldn’t date or look to date others before she gets home - even if she is - do this properly and cleanly but I’d likely let her be “free” when she gets back. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, JD2121 said:

I feel even though that call was positive, and that she told me she loved me, her behaviour since is telling me that when she said she ‘needs to figure out her life’ she meant whether she wants me in it or not

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately the fact that she took this type of trip seems like she has fears of missing out. Perhaps she is tired of living together and took this trip to reevaluate things? Unfortunately for you, it's a strange way to go about it.

Hopefully things will be clearer upon her return. In the meantime, please don't have heavy relationship talks while she's off partying. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, JD2121 said:

She also told me that this trip has made her realise she was extremely unhappy and a ‘shell of a person’ at home and that she is nervous/dreading coming home. I asked her if ‘at home’ included our relationship and she just said ‘idk its everything, everything in my life’. She said she was nervous to come back home because she would not be excited when we greet each other at the airport and she wouldn’t know how to explain that to me.

 

Translation: I found somebody that excites me and I realized how my life is boring.

Wanna bet that "fixing" includes you bending over backwards and not her? Because she doesnt think what she does is wrong.

Sorry this happens OP.

[JD2121]

Yeah we broke up the day she got back - be safe out there all, some people are ***ty people

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, JD2121 said:

Yeah we broke up the day she got back - be safe out there all, some people are ***ty people

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. That fact that she went alone on one of these party and hookup trips was a red flag in itself. The rest of her behavior on the trip confirmed it.

[Coily]

From the sounds of it, good riddance to her. 

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, JD2121 said:

Yeah we broke up the day she got back - be safe out there all, some people are ***ty people

I'm sorry to hear this. 

At least now you know you can trust your instinct when something doesn't feel right. You sensed a shift in the wrong direction, and you were absolutely correct.