Nervous for a date

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He suggested that he go home late at night. He has to check on his pets. 

Alex, if you don't want to respond to the sex questions, that's fine but could you respond to questions asking about his pets?

This info came out of left field and is quite baffling.

Did you see any pets when you briefly visited his small apartment? 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, if you don't want to respond to the sex questions, that's fine but could you respond to questions asking about his pets?

This info came out of left field and is quite baffling.

Did you see any pets when you briefly visited his home? 

I mean maybe he's petsitting but he should have told her.  But he said it was his pets.  IMO Alex if you continue to see him you are being dishonest with yourself about wanting the stuff on your list you described above -marriage/family/house.  Totally fine if he's your sort of boy toy and you put your future goals on hold and just have fun -lighthearted fun - but I don't think you want that and if you do want a potentially serious relationship -the way you described it -and stay with him -then you don't really want that.  You're simply glomming on to some guy who is calling you his girlfriend.  With no real substance and nothing to do with what you say you want.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm sitting here crying. Im not happy and I plan on telling him not to do this to me again. I'm really upset. 

Maybe this is your watershed moment. Any guy who makes you cry is not worth crying over.

Yes, speak your mind and stand up for yourself about him blowing you off with the lawn stuff. Also cancel your participation in his idiotic camping trip. It's time for you to level the field and stop going along with his inane ideas.

Don't tell him in the hope he changes. Tell him to regain your self respect. Frankly, this guy needs to be told off. 

[Sindy_0311]

Alex, I suggest you take some time to think about all this. You were upset and. Disappointed today, which is completely comprehensible. But by experience, I think it’s best not to take a decision when you are in an emotional state like this. Try to relax, do something for yourself, watch a series or a movie and tomorrow you will be in another mindset. Also try to listen to your gut feeling. Give yourself a few days… and you will see clearer and decide what’s best for you… but don’t be afraid to dump him if you have too. It will be tough but you will make it if that’s what you decide. And of course we can help you go through that also…

Just hope you feel better. You are a beautiful person and you deserve the best. Never forget that. 😊

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Alex, I suggest you take some time to think about all this. You were upset and. Disappointed today, which is completely comprehensible. But by experience, I think it’s best not to take a decision when you are in an emotional state like this. Try to relax, do something for yourself, watch a series or a movie and tomorrow you will be in another mindset. Also try to listen to your gut feeling. Give yourself a few days… and you will see clearer and decide what’s best for you… but don’t be afraid to dump him if you have too. It will be tough but you will make it if that’s what you decide. And of course we can help you go through that also…

Just hope you feel better. You are a beautiful person and you deserve the best. Never forget that. 😊

I agree and FWIW I am all for her speaking her mind as long as it's part of ending this.  Or not as a way to try to teach him how to behave appropriately towards her (meaning if she chooses to keep him around for fun).  For sure -she can tell him she is upset and frustrated that he keeps behaving rudely and thoughtlessly about their plans, about her time and it's not even two months they've been dating.  If she wishes to express that -for sure! Just not so he'll see an opening for "another chance."  The whole fool me once.....

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm sitting here crying. I trust someone. Rely on them. The only person I can rely on is myself. My house, my life, myself. He said he would help me with my lawn stuff today. I was betting on his help. If I had known he was going to bail, I could have gotten up early and started it myself. 

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re hurt. That’s not fun

But I also wanted to add that you could use this entire situation to learn and grow from.  Healthy relationships have mutuality and interdependency tied into them .  Unhealthy aspects of a relationship resemble what you’re describing, and it just doesn’t end well, one party always ends up hurt and disappointed.  
 

you’re right that you have yourself to rely on, and another version of this story could have played out like this:

 

Facts: you can depend on yourself, you can do yard work on your own.  You also know that he is unreliable, so you can’t bank on him following through.  Say to yourself, “I invited him to help, but he has shown me it’s not safe for me to rely on him. I’m going to wake up and start on the yard work today, on my own, because I trust and value myself, I know I can do this, I will take care of myself.  If he shows up, he can join me, if he doesn’t show up, I will have gotten it finished on my own.”

You can learn how to practice self care and tending to yourself absent of expecting another to show up.  The more you do this, the less likely you’ll be to have this guy, or anyone like him, in your life  

there are people out there who absolutely will show up for you, keep their word, reliable and dependable people, but I don’t think you’re at a place to even accept that type of person into your life which is why you keep begging this guy to be someone he isn’t  

This guy is unreliable and you can’t beg someone to be safe for you.  You have to know what safe looks like and then raise the bar as far as what you will accept goes 
 

 

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

there are people out there who absolutely will show up for you, keep their word, reliable and dependable people, but I don’t think you’re at a place to even accept that type of person into your life   

I think she would be at that place to be into someone who is into her and shows it among other things by doing all those things and being those things you write above if she kicks him to the curb and doesn't second guess.  That -would be a step in the right direction -that could lead to this sort of a ha moment she needs of what she deserves -as Sindy wrote also -she deserves it because she shows up for people like a reflex -it would never occur her to not to (I mean she might complain about the bride/wedding stuff but from all I know of what she writes -she is showing up -without question -for those who need her, rely on her, are in her life.)

Also for sure -she has shown up for him in numerous ways in this short amount of time.  Except he is not deserving of this.

[NighttimeNightmare]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she would be at that place to be into someone who is into her and shows it among other things by doing all those things and being those things you write above if she kicks him to the curb and doesn't second guess.  That -would be a step in the right direction -that could lead to this sort of a ha moment she needs of what she deserves

Well yes.  That’s precisely why many people say these sorts of situations are learning experiences and that often people need to go through them to learn: for some reason she’s not seeing these things as red flags, so she’s found herself in another one of these situations.  Flags that you all were seeing as red, she saw as something to bargain with. If she saw them for what they actually were (red flags) she would have walked away long ago. 
 

So, the switch in her head has got to flip and go “a ha,” as you put it, that’s the pivotal point wherein she learns what the flag actually looks like in real time and becomes keen on how to both define it, and avoid it, moving forward 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Well yes.  That’s precisely why many people say these sorts of situations are learning experiences and that often people need to go through them to learn: for some reason she’s not seeing these things as red flags, so she’s found herself in another one of these situations.  Flags that you all were seeing as red, she saw as something to barter with. If she saw them for what they actually were (red flags) she would have walked away long ago. 
 

So, the switch in her head has got to flip and go “a ha,” as you put it, that’s the pivotal point wherein she learns what the flag actually looks like in real time and becomes keen on how to both define it, and avoid it, moving forward 

This comment and your previous were both quite astute @NighttimeNightmare.

Thank you because I've learned a bit myself just from reading! 

I hope Alex does as well, good stuff. 👍

 

[LootieTootie]

Did I read that he has pets too? Wow I wonder if he neglects them as he neglects his commitments.

Alex, I am with Night time, I think you need more experience in dating. If you are still going to give this guy another chance, just know that you have to own your decisions. 

Also, if you're already crying this early on, this is a really BAD sign. First, you shouldn't be so invested in this person emotionally to cry about him. It's too early because he should still be trying to win you over (which he isn't doing a decent job in). Secondly, he hurt you and doesn't even realize it. He just told you to pretty much "get over it by making plans without me." Did he even apologized at least? Because from what I read, it sounded like he wasn't apologetic and detached. Which again, is rude. 

[Starlight925]

I'll bet my next paycheck that he's already texting emoji strings.

Heart eyes, smileys, laughs.

Am I right?

This is his pattern:

 Great time together

 Plan for next date

 Cancel next date at last minute (pets, friends, tires, pick-a-reason)

 Emoji strings

 Great time together

  Wash, rinse, repeat

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 

 

there are people out there who absolutely will show up for you, keep their word, reliable and dependable people, but I don’t think you’re at a place to even accept that type of person into your life which is why you keep begging this guy to be someone he isn’t  

This guy is unreliable and you can’t beg someone to be safe for you.  You have to know what safe looks like and then raise the bar as far as what you will accept goes 
 

 

 

Thank you for putting this so clearly.  This is why I'm not always on board with this "show some self respect" and "you are worth so much MORE than this." 

It's not about how much the OP is "worth."  It's about how she handles this situation within herself.   

There are many people married to alcoholics or other very dysfunctional people who have to learn how to do exactly what you said.  If @Alex39 really wants to be with this guy she is going to need to change the way she views and practices a relationship.  

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

When did he find out he had pets?  Saturday late evening?

Right. Too ridiculous. I doubt that any of this is true.

 

[Jaunty]

Alex, it seems like you've gone about this "relationship" quite backwards.   You have this puzzle which is your life.  There is an empty spot.  The piece that belongs there, in your opinion, is the one labeled "BOYFRIEND."  

This guy shows up and says some things that are what fit the script you have in your mind.  You find him attractive.

After that - it seems like you completely stopped bothering to observe and get to know him.

It seems profoundly superficial to me.   

I know you're having feelings for / about the guy but in reality nothing has even gone past a very surface level.    

This is not how a deep relationship takes form.  

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, I posted this to @Sindy_0311awhile back and she agreed with my assessment and ask that you consider the possibility in your situation.

The possibility being that you're in the throes of a sort of "love addiction."

Which IS a real addiction, similar to a drug addiction.  This man is your drug of choice.

Just like a drug addiction, there are highs (when he texts and shows up) and lows (when he flakes and distances), like today. 

As soon as he texts and you get your "fix," you're back on the high and all will be forgiven which may even be happening now.

I hope not though because none of this is good, healthy or positive and has the potential to destroy and I'm not exaggerating.

A possibility to consider?

Awareness is the first step toward healing, change and movement towards something more healthy and positive which this is not. 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/9/2023 at 7:40 PM, Alex39 said:

I joined three dating sites. Hinge, Bumble, and Match.com

What you could do rather than be upset is get rid of the free apps. Why? You wouldn't meet men like this who can't afford to date. You need at least a credit card for paid apps. That in itself is a great screening tool 

While you're recovering from this lastest hurt, get a good profile and pics on a paid quality relationship-focused such as eHarmony.  There tends to be more serious daters on paid apps.

Guys like this wouldn't be on it and probably couldn't pass the personality test, given his flakiness, impulsivity and manic spending sprees. 

You've been overly patient with this man. Reflect if his wife cut her losses because of his selfish frat boy behaviors and chronic fibs and stories.  She dodged a bullet and you can too.

[waffle]

Alex, I'd like to recommend a book for you.

It's called "Why Men Love B****es"

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've been overly patient with this man. Reflect if his wife cut her losses because of his selfish frat boy behaviors and chronic fibs and stories.  She dodged a bullet and you can too.

I thought about that too. 

I mean, first he told you she cheated on him relentlessly but then after becoming more involved with you, he told you she was too controlling.

Immature, irresponsible 'little boys' (Peter Pans) never take responsibility, it's always someone's else fault, in this case his ex-wife, 100%.

At this point, I highly doubt anything he told you is true.  Including about his wife, the punctured tire, the camping trip, his pets, NONE of it makes any sense at all.

Alex, please what are you doing?  

I'm getting very afraid for you and if he ever begins asking for money - needs to pay his taxes, rent, a fake medical emergency for himself or his "pets", I hope to dear lord you don't give it to him.

Watch 'Dirty John, Season One', I think it may be on Netflix and Amazon Prime.  True story.  Google it.

There are many other similar true stories.  This sh*t happens. it's very real.

Be smart.

Become aware.

Take care of you. 

[Batya33]

I do see the "gotta be in it to learn it" perspective -very well put by all of you.  And.... I think her "block" is not that she doesn't "see" the red flags - she does and she lies to herself that it's not that bad (married friend who was a Dating Couch Potato, etc) - maybe I'm saying the same thing -whether it's "can't see" or "sees/but settles/lies to oneself" - maybe it's the mom in me -sometimes you have to have your child touch the hot stove and never do it again, sometimes you choose to step in and pull child away from risky situation. 

Alex is not a oh well/brush it off kind of person in this sort of situation -and if they had sex likely will hurt her more.  She's a good person. I don't like to see good people hurt in this way.

 

[Alex39]

I talked to him about it last night on the phone. I told him how this cannot keep happening and I do not like sitting waiting around for someone. It's a huge pet peeve of mine and I do not like it.  I kept trying to get through to him how he essentially bailed on me. He just wasn't seeing it. He kept acting like he had such a hard day and he was upset by how it went as well. He feels indebted to his friend and felt he needed to help him from start to finish. He did say that it would not happen again. But he wasn't sorry and it was clear it wasn't him being mean. He genuinely felt like he did nothing wrong and was just helping his friend. He thought I just went off for the day and did my own thing. He's an airhead. 

He kept saying how hard his day was and how tough his day was. And how he committed to his friend to help, and his friend mislead him that it was a one or two hour job. And he even said to his friend how he was supposed to see his girlfriend and now this was taking the entire day. 

I'm going to keep looking for inconsistencies and keep my eye out. If this does happen again, we're probably going to be done. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm going to keep looking for inconsistencies and keep my eye out. If this does happen again, we're probably going to be done. 

Sorry this happened. It's good you told him off. It's not surprising he weaseled out of standing you up and painted himself as a victim and good guy.

Unfortunately it's already an established pattern with him. Does whatever he feels like with no regard to your plans, then comes up with victim stories. 

You're an experienced dater and even had a bum living with you at one point. So it's good you're standing up for yourself and the rosy glow is clarifying itself about what a heel he is.

You've had the patience of a saint with this guy. Don't participate in the camping trip or feel manipulated (again) with nonsense about he's buying all these supplies. I would have told him to shove it when he suggested you be the grocery boy and pack mule for his tick and mosquito nightmare.

Frankly your patience is a fine quality in general but not with guys like this who take advantage of it.

[spinstermanquee]

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

... his friend mislead him that it was a one or two hour job. And he even said to his friend how he was supposed to see his girlfriend and now this was taking the entire day.

So it was the friend's fault (see, he's the victim here) and YOU should direct your upset not to him, rather someone you don't even know (the friend).  Way to step up and own your stuff, guy.

[boltnrun]

46 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm going to keep looking for inconsistencies

Alex...there is no "inconsistency". He is EXTREMELY consistent. Unfortunately what he's consistent about is being inconsiderate of you, your time and your feelings.

So he didn't apologize or accept fault yet you're going to continue with him? Oh boy. You just proved to him he can cancel and be rudely inconsiderate, he doesn't have to bother to apologize, and your self esteem is low enough to accept his poor behavior.

He will not "change". He has no reason to.

I'm sorry you don't value yourself enough to end this whatever it is. The more time you waste with an inconsiderate lout the longer it'll be before you find the right man for you. 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

So it was the friend's fault (see, he's the victim here) and YOU should direct your upset not to him, rather someone you don't even know (the friend).  Way to step up and own your stuff, guy.

Why one more time OP on top of all the other times in less than 2 months. And he is not remorseful and doesn’t see it as you do - as I would. So what’s the point ? Are you a glutton for punishment ?  He’s told you who he is. Who he is is not who you are in incredibly important ways and why oh why the self deprecating “pet peeve “. Since when isn’t liking repeated disrespect just a pet peeve ? You want him to tell his kids that too when he lets them down repeatedly? Or let’s down you - their mom??

[Starlight925]

54 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 He feels indebted to his friend

Why does he feel indebted to his friend?

Why doesn’t he feel indebted to you, with whom he bailed on a concrete plan?

There are no inconsistencies.   This is who he is.  
He is consistent:

Cute emojis, fun couch time, plan for the next, bail, blame something/someone else (pets, tires, friends), and now that you’ve stood up for yourself:  blame you.

Oh, he’s very consistent