Feeling resentful of my mom

[Alex39]

My mom and I have always been close. As I got in my 20s. We grew really close, like two peas in a pod. We like a lot of the same things. We love to shop together. We think similarly. 

She is a good mom. She's always there for me when I have hard times, a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to, my biggest cheerleader. She's dropped everything to come care for me through illness and such. 

In my later 20s, I noticed we started butting heads a lot more. If I had a different opinion, it was a problem. We'd fight. If I don't think just like her, you're wrong.  If I liked something she didn't, it was wrong. To avoid fighting, I try to just go along with her. 

Example- we'll be out shopping. I'll say I really like this dress. She'll say "Oh my gosh, that's ugly. I guess you could wear that and look like a big bag, hahaha"

This lead me down the rabbit hole of going to therapy and looking back a lot on my childhood. My mom and dad were fabulous parents. They were supportive, loving, providers. 

But I also look back, and even now, I see that my mom's idea of helping is being overly critical. She did this to me as a kid and now still does into my 30s. 

"Stop sitting like that"

"You look dumb when you make that face"

"Don't bit your lip"

"Walk with your shoulders higher like this"

"No one will like you if you do xyz"

"Don't say that, it doesn't sound good"

"I saw Jessica's daughter doing xyz, so you can too"

"No guy will like you if you bite your nails"

"No wonder you can't get a man"

"You should crash diet before that date"

"Is that on your diet?"

"How much did you workout today?"

"You should be at the gym right now"

"I won't help you do xyz, if you keep doing it like that" - she holds things hostage. She'll offer to do something for you or buy something for you, but only if it's her way or what she approves. 

"You'd lose weight living with me"

 

I'm 31, and don't live with her. She even acts like a controlling back seat driver when I drive her around. Telling me how to drive. I drive all around by myself fine, since I was 17.  When I'm with her, she tells me how to turn, criticizes my parking skills, and then I get frustrated and nervous, so I make mistakes. She says I need to drive better, so I need her to tell me how to do it. 

My dad and I rarely ever argue, he doesn't criticize my driving, and I drive fine. 

I'm a curvy girl. My therapist thinks my mom is causing me stress and to eat more, causing weight gain.  I hide out a lot in my house at 31, because I fear judgement from the world for not being what my mother deems attractive or perfect. 

She claims she's trying to help me, but the comments about men not liking me for being chubby hurts me so deep. That I don't deserve love or happiness because I don't look perfect or act perfect. That it will just scare people away from me. 

My friends tell me to get out there. That I'm a fabulous person and the right guy will embrace me. But every time I talk to my mom she tells me how guys are all into looks and how they'll take one look at me and see that I'm chunky. 

She says she's just trying to help me. Everything critical is her helping me. 

I'm very beautiful, have a spunky personality, sweet demeanor, dress well, have a great career, pretty hair and nails, nice straight white teeth, nice smile. Just a bit heavier than I'd like. I keep working at that. 

I'm slowly growing resentful of my mom. I feel she doesn't respect me. In her mind, she is being a caring helpful mom. I still love her, but I'm heartbroken to say that I think maybe I should have less contact with her, for my own sanity and health. 

I even sat crying this afternoon. 

I started online dating. I have been talking to a few nice guys. A few asked me out. My mom when I mentioned it- "you should start crash dieting before you go out with them"

I told her how I am on a diet already and am working on myself. She proceeds- "you wouldn't date a fat guy, so what makes you think they'll accept you?"

To clarify, I've been chatting with a few heavier guys online. Not just hot model types. 

And she goes on and on about how I have to look better to attract a man. How I'm unhealthy. 

I told her that I may meet a guy who likes me for how I am exactly now. She tells me that's unlikely. I try to tell her how if a guy doesn't like me, then he isn't the one for me. 

She just sticks to her stance of how I wouldn't like a chubby guy, so they won't like me when they see me. 

I hung up on her and spent the afternoon crying. 

I was on cloud 9, feeling more confident and putting myself out there. Really working on myself on this new journey. She just ruins it for me. 

She won't listen when I try and tell her I dont want to hear it. 

So talking to her and trying to share my feelings seems pointless. 

What can I do? 

I want to see my mom. We do have good times mostly. But is the best to keep my distance? 

[Seraphim]

You are severely co dependent with your mom. How do I know ? I was that codependent daughter . How did I stop ? Have therapy to realise I had lost sight of myself and what I thought and how those were most important . I remember my Counsellor asking me things and I would start to answer with , “ well my mother says” and one day my counsellor said I “ I don’t give a sh*t what your mother says what DO YOU SAY AND THINK. And you know what I didn’t have an answer . I had to learn who I was. 

[boltnrun]

This is probably the fourth or fifth thread you've started about your mom. All of us advised two things: cut down on time spent with or talking to your mom and stop sharing personal details with her.

Why won't you do these two very simple things?

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is probably the fourth or fifth thread you've started about your mom. All of us advised two things: cut down on time spent with or talking to your mom and stop sharing personal details with her.

Why won't you do these two very simple things?

Time to gain some boundaries and STOP being glued to her and telling her things she doesn’t need to know . 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is probably the fourth or fifth thread you've started about your mom. All of us advised two things: cut down on time spent with or talking to your mom and stop sharing personal details with her.

Why won't you do these two very simple things?

 

 

I am going to cut contact way down. I can't do this anymore. 

I guess I am just feeling self conscious. What if she's right? Do I not want her criticism, because it's not what I want to hear, but maybe she's right though?

I think we've butted heads more, because I am starting to think for myself and have my own opinions and ideas, and she can't handle that it isn't aligned with her own. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I am going to cut contact way down. I can't do this anymore. 

 

That's a good idea:

 

[Starlight925]

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I am going to cut contact way down. I can't do this anymore. 

I guess I am just feeling self conscious. What if she's right? Do I not want her criticism, because it's not what I want to hear, but maybe she's right though?

Why would you want anyone's criticism?

Her criticism shows her weakness.  It shows where she needs to feel superior, to feel control.  

And guess what....it works.  She has total control over you.

Others have said it, so I'll repeat it:

You are in a codependent pattern, and you need to significantly reduce contact.

Cut your contact in half.  If you talk every day, move to every other day.  Simply be "busy".  

Eventually, once a week, once a month.

Move this controlling, critical creature to the far edge of your life, or you will be posting here in 10 years, asking the same questions, questioning your worth.

Ask me how I know this.

[boltnrun]

You are seeking her approval. Desperately. But her goal is not to approve of you and your choices but to maintain total control over you. You could be "skinny" (BTW, skinny is unhealthy), have a high paying prestigious job, have the most beautiful, clean, organized home and be dating a combination of Channing Tatum, Einstein and a gourmet chef and she STILL would find fault with you. 

Why she chooses to do this is irrelevant. What IS relevant is why you keep subjecting yourself to this. Again, she will NOT say "Alex, you're doing great. I'm so proud of who you are" because she doesn't want YOU to believe it. Even if deep down inside she is proud of you. 

You always say she's your best friend, but what kind of friend would say those things to you?

Work with your therapist to set aside those fantasies of your mom expressing approval. YOU need to approve of you. Apparently you don't. But you should. Talk to your therapist about your feelings about yourself, because there's no reason for you to think poorly of yourself. 

[Batya33]

I don’t go for a hugely broad “if he doesn’t love me the way I am he’s not right for me “ if it comes to things within your control and that you believe you should change. So for example you want to change your weight.  
So if a man who wants a woman who is fit and healthy also so you two can have that in common decides that you are not fit or healthy because of your excess weight - he might be the right match for you if you choose to improve your health including losing some weight if your excess weight is unhealthy (it might or might not be). 
I wouldn’t date smokers  or “trying to quit “ smokers  

That meant I didn’t accept his smoking habit but it didn’t mean we were a bad match  if he chose to quit for good we very well could be a good match  I smoked for a year or so in the early 1980s  I had my last cigarette ever 41 years ago this month   So I became a good match for non smokers  

but for example if he wants a woman who doesn’t want children ever then you’d be the wrong match. 

When I was dating heavier women and overweight women in their 20s and 30s especially tended to have a harder time meeting men. Even overweight men.  I know. Unfair.  I agree.  Maybe it’s changed. I’ve never met a man who focused at all on a woman’s nails or manicure.  Maybe noticed as in “you look nice “ overall including the nice nails but as a separate thing?  Nope not in my experience. Nice teeth and a lovely smile / sure - but mostly about the smile. 
I totally agree with the others about better boundaries with your mom. I’m sorry she’s frustrating you and causing you stress. But you know what to do. 

[Alex39]

What gets me even more. If I ever stand up for myself or try to explain my side or my feelings, she suddenly acts or even says that I'm hurting her feelings and causing her stress. Like I'm this evil daughter. 

Any time I've sat her down even nicely to tell her she hurt my feelings or to not say types of things to me that bother me,  we always end up in a huge verbal fight, because she acts like I'm terrible to her, and she won't admit what she has done wrong. 

I just don't get why she is this way. If she eased up a bit, we wouldn't be in this predicament. 

I'm just venting at this point. 

Even a while ago, we were looking through old pictures. I found one of me when I was in great shape. I looked really nice. My mom gushed about it saying how "Oh you look like Lisa's daughter" 

She kept going on and on about how spectacular I looked just like her friend Lisa's daughter. Lisa is a family friend who has a notoriously beautiful daughter. 

Like she can't just say how beautiful I am. It has to be that I look like someone else beautiful. Like imagine your mom telling you all the time- wow, you look like Gisele Bundchen. But never, wow you look like your beautiful self. My self esteem is gone. 

I know I am heavier, so not as cute as I was. I am working on that. But I've never been ugly. I always had pretty qualities to me, thin or chubby. I know chubby isn't ideal. 

She even said to me the other day- "I was going to pay for you to go to a gym, for the gym membership, but I'm not wasting my money, because you probably won't use it. "

Like that's a real confidence booster. I am dieting and exercising, just not how she deems fit.  Who wants to hear that?

If she would have said, hey I was thinking you'd do so well at a gym. You like the gym. Why don't I pay for a few months, you see if you like it?

I would have been so happy and positive. 

 

[Seraphim]

You don’t have to explain your side or debate your side or fight  your side. That is engaging in her nonsense . Hang up or leave . 

[boltnrun]

If you've tried having a conversation with her several times and nothing has changed... wouldn't you conclude that nothing is going to change?

Stop with the exercises in futility. You cannot change another human. You can only change yourself.

Use the "grey rock" method (Google it). When she says something about your weight or your driving or anything else just say something noncommittal like "Hm, OK". If she says something hurtful, remind yourself she is TRYING to hurt you. So don't react. Grey rock.

And stop confiding in her! She uses your confidences as weapons. Stop handing her the shotgun and loading it for her. 

[Kwothe28]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

If she would have said, hey I was thinking you'd do so well at a gym. You like the gym. Why don't I pay for a few months, you see if you like it?

 

Why are you seeking approval of abuser? 

Abusers need somebody to abuse. You can be a perfect daughter, you can slim, find a husband, even make a few kids. Its never going to be enough. She will still tell you how "Betty's daughter has married rich and her kids are prettier". Because she is AN ABUSER WHO NEEDS A VICTIM. She literally needs you to feel inferior, for her to be right and for you to be dependable on her. If she refuses to admit her fault and thinks she is always right, I would say there is even some narcissism involved. You can look at the signs of narcissism, I bet your mother fits perfectly.

You need to be painfully aware of your own flaws. If you want to slim because of health or because better dating prospects, do it. You dont need your mother approval or for her to point out how you are, well, big, to do that. You know you are and you work on that. Stop listening to somebody who doesnt have your best interests in mind. Practice to have what she says come to your one ear and go to the other. Just ignore her and dont give her attention.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

In my later 20s, I noticed we started butting heads a lot more. If I had a different opinion, it was a problem. We'd fight. If I don't think just like her, you're wrong.  If I liked something she didn't, it was wrong. To avoid fighting, I try to just go along with her. 

Example- we'll be out shopping. I'll say I really like this dress. She'll say "Oh my gosh, that's ugly. I guess you could wear that and look like a big bag, hahaha"

I feel your mom is kind of 'controlling & critical' on you.

She has yet to realize YOU are now an adult!  And she has no right to speak to you the way she does, but now you are coming to realize this. 

So what if you like a specific dress.  If you like it, get it!  No matter what she says. 😉 .

It's maybe time YOU cut the strings here.  Hang with her less as her 'opinion' no longer matters.  As I said, you're an adult,  You owe mom nothing and deserve some respect!

 

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If she refuses to admit her fault and thinks she is always right, I would say there is even some narcissism involved.

Exactly.  Her behaviour is Toxic 😕 .  Not good for you.

Be strong, back off and live your life away from this.  

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

...cut down on time spent with or talking to your mom and stop sharing personal details with her.

Why won't you do these two very simple things?

Right. You keep sinking all your time and energy into hanging with your Mom so you won't feel lonely, but then you won't get out and make new friends or find new interests because you keep sinking all your time and energy into hanging with your Mom.

See the cycle? 

Then you come on here and complain about your Mom and all the current friends who make you so unhappy--yet you won't stretch your reach beyond any of them.

Breaking the cycle will require some discomfort. But that's nothing to lose, because all of these people make you uncomfortable and unhappy anyway. 

I'd go schedule myself with a meetup group, then next time Mom wants to get together, you can say you're busy that day but you'll talk with her after.

This can cut the time you spend with Mom by at least 50%. Then, when she sees less of you, you'll likely notice that she'll stop taking you for granted.

You both smother one another.

[Jaunty]

You need to grow up.  That probably sounds harsh but it's the core of the whole thing.  You are an adult woman.   You need boundaries with your mother.   You are going to be the ONLY ONE with the boundaries.   Mom will not respect them.  You will be on your own to enforce the boundaries YOU set for yourself.

The main gist of these is to not be around for any of this nonsense from your mom.  You won't hang out with her when she's talking to you like this.  Simple.  Not easy, though.  

You really need to have limited activities with her and be able to say "goodbye mom" when she starts in on you about all what she perceives to be your shortcomings.  

I agree with the person who said cut the time in half.  Literally spend half the time talking and hanging out with her.  

Both of you are co-dependent.  It's not good for either one of you but especially for you.  You project the same bad stuff onto your own "friends" (none of them seem to actually be friends but that's a different story) and that is causing you to be an outsider.   You need to get away from it and stop thinking of this hyper-critical approach to relationships as "normal."  

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You project the same bad stuff onto your own "friends"

Exactly.

Think about why you speak so derisively about your friends. It's because you envy them and because you feel your life is empty, right? Now think about why your mother might be speaking derisively to you. Hm??

If people don't play nice you don't play with them. Period. If you're at your mom's and she starts in, leave. Tell her you are there to have a pleasant visit and if she's not interested in being pleasant you are leaving. She will push back. She will claim you're being oversensitive or that she's "just trying to help!" Ignore it. Gather your things and tell her you'll talk to her soon, then LEAVE. Same thing if you're in a car together and she starts in on you. Take her home. If she's visiting you and she starts her hypercritical BS, tell her she's going to have to leave. Don't back down. And don't cry! She WANTS you to cry, as unbelievable as it may seem.

She will either learn to knock it off or she'll have to do without your company. Her choice.

And for the love of God, STOP confiding in her! She uses what you tell her as a weapon. Don't do it.

And lastly, be busy! Join a book club. Find a way to use your baking skills to socialize and help others. Join a gym and take fitness classes. Join a walking group. Do something you've always wanted to do. You'll soon be too busy to entertain your mother's BS or to be envious of your friends. 

[Cherylyn]

Since it's pointless to talk to her and share your feelings,  remain silent.   The more you speak,  the more you make yourself available to your mother as she continues to verbally pummel you. 

You want to see your mother yet you want to keep your distance.  You can't have everything.  You can't have it both ways.  See your mother but be prepared for criticisms at every turn.  Limit your time with her by not visiting frequently and allow more time to lapse in between visits.  Enforce boundaries. 

I have local relatives and in-laws in my midst.  Their foibles are repetitive,  intolerable,  boorish,  downright rude and very disrespectful.  There is nothing I can do about their defective characters.  I can't duct tape their mouths shut nor control anyone.  The only power I have is to disengage if I'm with them and most of all,  greatly limit my in person interactions with them.  My husband,  sons and I deliberately curtail in person socializing with them throughout the year.  We hardly ever get together and it's just the way I like it!  😋  This is what enforced boundaries are. 

If we text,  it's for emergencies only,  blunt yet polite at best.  I've since quit FB,  IG, never email and the like.   It's quite liberating.  Ignorance is bliss.  😊

You steer the ship just as I've done.  It's a win win situation.

[HeartGoesOn]

Since we teach people how to treat us, why not give it a try?

[MissCanuck]

You have to stop engaging when she starts picking on you.

That's it. 

[Cherylyn]

Don't be with your mom and if you're with your mom,  make it infrequent and brief.  Enforce boundaries.  She won't change.  All you can do is change the dynamic and decrease encounters. 

Concentrate and focus on living your own life instead of wishing for a normal mother-daughter relationship which wasn't meant to be. 

[Alex39]

So tomorrow is Father's day. My mom had asked days ago if I was coming to town. I said no. 

I am trying to forge my own life and spend less time together.

But since then I've kind of been back and forth on it. Maybe I should go to see my dad? 

I reached out to every friend I know and no one is free to hangout this weekend, either day. I have no plans at all. 

So then I told my mom how I might come. And kept going back and forth with it.  She got mad saying how I'm just waiting around for better offers and holding her off from making her own plans. 

She then tells me how she, my father, my brother, and his girlfriend are going out to eat to celebrate Father's day. 

I told her that I had no idea they were planning that and if I had known we were going to do something more formal, I'd be more into coming. She claims that I told her I wasn't coming, so she didn't think I needed to be a part of the plan. 

It's a drive to see them 1 hour and 25 minutes one way. 

Then when my mother comes to see me, I have to still drive halfway and pick her up, my father drives her halfway and drops her to me. 

So I'm always driving. 

My mom chastises me that I chose to live here. I hate when she says that. 

I did choose to live here. But because I have my career. 

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck between quality time with my family, and staying home by myself mostly. 

My mom gets me every time. She'll come out to see me for a weekend. Then right after say "when are you coming out to see me?"

Then when I say I'm not, you can just tell in her voice that she's disappointed. It's like a guilt trip thing. She doesn't actually have to say it, her voice gives it away. 

I was happy. Last week I set some really clear boundaries with her. We got in a somewhat fight. I told her I dont want to hear her comments about my weight, dating, my diet anymore. I told her all I want when I mention I have a date is encouragement. 

I have three dates next week. I haven't told her about any of them. And I don't plan to. 

But ever since, I've noticed she's laid off things a bit. She's more supportive and positive about my dieting and dating. Whether she's being real or not, I don't know, but I don't care. 

I just feel guilty now though. Guilty for not seeing my dad on Father's day. Not seeing my grandfather. That life is too short and I should spend time with them while I can. 

My mom makes me feel guilty too. She'll come here and help me do things at my house. I don't ask her to, but she'll help. I appreciate it. I thank her. Then she always says "well when are you coming out to help me with my own house?"

Or she will see my house decorated for summer. I did it myself. And she'll say- I really need you to help me with my house. 

Like she can't do it herself. I feel so much pressure and responsibility to help her at her house. Her house is in shambles. Cluttered and never settled. That isn't my fault. I've helped her try and clean out stuff before. But I come back and it's just bad again. 

She complains that in the 10 years they've lived there, that she hasn't hung any photos on the walls. That she needs me to come and help her do it. 

But overall I don't know what to do. Do I visit for Father's day tomorrow? 

[boltnrun]

An hour and 25 minutes isn't that far IMO. I drove to see my brother for Father's day last year and it's a hour and a half each way.

How about just attending the restaurant dinner? No need to do anything beyond that. Make your dad a nice card on your computer and give it to him.

Father's day isn't about your mom BTW, so avoid her attempts to co-opt the day for herself.

Beyond that, your mom "gets" you because you allow it. Set and keep boundaries. She isn't going to.

[Batya33]

Why even mention you have a first meet? For safety?  Choose a friend for that. See your father if possible. We’re in Europe on holiday and my son and I did our best to pick up a few special things for his dad/my husband. Be with your dad if possible. 

[Seraphim]

Why pick a family holiday as a show down with mom? Any ole other weekend will do. I don’t see a problem spending  important holidays with family, but any other ole weekend meh who cares. Why punish your dad because you’re mad at your mom? I agree it’s important to see your dad and your grandfather. I don’t have my dad or my grandfathers. I don’t even have my stepdad or father in law . They are all gone now. My Father’s Day has been sad the past few years.