Is he ever going to feel the same?

[BugDug]

A little background: I have been seeing my bf for a year, we are both 25, and we currently live together. Living together was for finnancial gain but has gone really smooth. My bf is moving away to buy a house for family in another state, which could be a 7 year thing. I cannot move to that state with him for various reasons.

I'm obviously worried about our relationship as hes leaving me to do this and theres no end goal of him moving back or moving somewhere we both agree on within the coming years.

 

I take our relationship seriously and even though we've been dating for a relatively short time (1yr), I acknowledge we have a special connection I haven't felt with previous partners. I think my bf has a lot to offer even with his flaws and would like to see our relationship go a little further. Not that I wanna go and get married or anything, but I can see him being my partner, my person, someone I get an apartment with and try to cultivate something with if that makes sense.

 

He has told me on ther other hand that he really doesn't "think about our relationship", and "couldn't have someone whose THE person with all the friends and family he has in his life". He doesn't think he'll ever want to spend his life with anyone either. Hes expressed to me he'd be alright with breaking up because theres "Always other people out there".

 

For some context, my bf had a toxic obsessive relationship with his ex and I think hes swung from "I will die without this person, they are all that matters", to "I cannot do too much for my partners and they can never mean too much to me" because of how toxic his last situation was and how much it hurt him. His basically swung from one extreme to another where hes now practically indifferent to his partner.

He says he loves me, but I know how much more I treasure our relationship and am starting to feel like he doesn't actually love me. I wonder if he ever will see me as his 'partner'. I am one of the only people hes dated as well so I think hes taking me and what we have for granted. 

I talked to him and he told me to wait for him to figure his *** out and deal with the other things in his life. 

I just don't know if he is ever going to realise my worth or feel the same. Theres a posibility he'd feel this way for someone else too and I'm just not the one. I'm not sure if I should do what he said and wait and try a long distance relationship for a bit, or if I'm just wasting my time and should move on. I've really begun to think he doesn't actually feel the same way as me.

[LootieTootie]

35 minutes ago, BugDug said:

I've really begun to think he doesn't actually feel the same way as me.

Uh yea, he's been telling you he doesn't feel the same way about you. Very direct if I may say.

You have been with this person for a year, and have lived together. If he isn't seeing you as a lifetime partner by now, he is never going to see you that way. He has made it clear, he has not seen you like that. If he had, he would not be moving away from you, period.

[Cherylyn]

He's moving away to another state which could be 7 years or more.

There's no end goal of him moving back or moving somewhere both of you can agree on within the coming years.

Your boyfriend has a lot of flaws.  Never overlook them!

He doesn't think about your relationship with him nor does he envision THE person given all the friends and family he has in his life.   Hmm.   🙄

He doubts he'll ever want to spend the rest of his life with anyone either ~ including you!  He's fine with breaking up because there are always other people out there.  😖

He's indifferent towards you.  No excuses!

Wait for him to figure his _______ out?  That would be a h * * *  NO !!!!  🤬

No, he will never see you as his 'partner.'  To him,  you're just another number.

No, he'll never realize your worth. 

You need to dump him.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, BugDug said:

 My bf is moving away to buy a house for family in another state, which could be a 7 year thing. he really doesn't "think about our relationship", 

Sorry this is happening. Even though you have a connection now, it's a bit too much too soon with living together already. Unfortunately his plans don't coincide with yours.

He's being quite direct about moving away and not being into the relationship. All you can do is set yourself free as soon as possible, so you can find someone who wants what you want .

It was nothing to do with your worth, it has to do with being with the wrong man. Once you set yourself free, you'll feel a lot better than being with someone who is just "meh" about you. 

[BugDug]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Uh yea, he's been telling you he doesn't feel the same way about you. Very direct if I may say.

You have been with this person for a year, and have lived together. If he isn't seeing you as a lifetime partner by now, he is never going to see you that way. He has made it clear, he has not seen you like that. If he had, he would not be moving away from you, period.

He said this is something he HAS to do to help his family. Its not a place he wants to live in either. The reason I'm questioning is that he keeps sending me mixed signals. When I brought this up and kept saying "How many times do I have to say I feel the same way about you?" And strongly feels he wants to continue a ldr, keeps telling me I'm very special, tells me his order of preference is: be in a relationship with me, be alone, date someone else. He says he can't think about a relationship right now. I'm so ***ing confused.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, BugDug said:

  He says he can't think about a relationship right now. I'm so ***ing confused.

It's not confusing. He probably cares for you, but he is not ready willing or able to have a relationship with you. 

Your confusion will end when he's gone and you're free to start dating men who want what you want.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, BugDug said:

am starting to feel like he doesn't actually love me

He doesn't, sadly. Not in the way you need to sustain a long-term relationship anyway. 

I'm sorry. You are wasting your time with him. Please don't wait around for him to change his mind about you. If he saw a future with you, he would know it by now. He doesn't quite have the heart to come out and tell you this, but him moving away is all you need to know. 

This doesn't have a happy ending. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, BugDug said:

I just don't know if he is ever going to realise my worth or feel the same.

Sadly, he wont

6 hours ago, BugDug said:

He has told me on ther other hand that he really doesn't "think about our relationship", and "couldn't have someone whose THE person with all the friends and family he has in his life". He doesn't think he'll ever want to spend his life with anyone either. Hes expressed to me he'd be alright with breaking up because theres "Always other people out there".

 

He literally tells you that you are not special to him. Nore he has plans for yourself, just for himself and his family. You arent part of those plans nore have you ever neeb. As soon as he leaves, he is gone for good. Sorry. I wouldnt invest anymore time there if the situation is like that.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, BugDug said:

I just don't know if he is ever going to realise my worth or feel the same. Theres a posibility he'd feel this way for someone else too and I'm just not the one. I'm not sure if I should do what he said and wait and try a long distance relationship for a bit, or if I'm just wasting my time and should move on. I've really begun to think he doesn't actually feel the same way as me.

No one is going to "realize" your worth who tells you what he told you.  He already realized he doesn't want to be in a long term relationship with you. He is choosing relocating over you, he is telling you he doesn't see you as his long term partner (with the excuse -or potential reality -that "no one" will ever be his long term partner).  You have to realize your own worth.  Staying with him and settling for scraps is not realizing your own worth.  

Whether it's because he is not marriage minded generally or not with you specifically or not relationship-minded generally or specifically doesn't matter. His long term goals do not involve you and he told you why.  You're living together temporarily for financial reasons not to strengthen your commitment.  I'd cut my losses now and definitely do not pine away for him long distance -and it will be pining because you'll find he's "too busy" to come visit, etc.  I'm sorry.

[Jaunty]

Please read back what you wrote here.  He has been honest and clear with you about the relationship you have.  He is leaving.  I'm sorry.

[Sindy_0311]

 

11 hours ago, BugDug said:

"Always other people out there"

He is young and is not done playing the fields… 

he has a strong desire to know more women before getting a serious relationship. Let him have his experiences, let him go. 

[greendots]

Real:

He's told you how he feels about you. He loves you, doesn't think about the relationship, "couldn't have someone whose THE person with all the friends and family he has in his life".

He's also been blunt about what his intentions are: moving to another state to buy a house for family, he'd try a long distance relationship for a bit, and he asked you to wait for him to figure his stuff out.

Take all of that at face value. Decide whether you agree with those terms or not. Then, act accordingly.

Personally speaking, I wouldn't wait indefinitely for someone to figure out their stuff.

 

 

[smackie9]

It's confusing because it's not right, none of this is. If you were so special to him in that way, he would definitely build you into his life plans but he's not. He's giving you a weak option to do a 7 year no guarantee LDR. The writing is on the wall....it's time to walk.

[Andrina]

When you didn't walk after so many excuses on his list of why he's choosing to move away, and you are still clinging to him like a barnacle, he likely believes it will be far less drama to leave you with some hope. Then he can be far away when you're crying when you realize the breakup is final. Far easier for him. Unkind to you.

You survived before you met him a mere year ago, and you will do just fine without him once you've gone through the mourning process and get to the healing part. Better to block him and go cold turkey in communication. When you get time and distance away from him, you will realize he did you a favor by breaking up. I know it happened to me when I was in a 1 year relationship. Nine months later, I met a man who really knew how to be a great partner, and who was crazy about me. Thank God I was free and single to meet him. I shook my head as to why I never broke up with Mr. Wrong, leaving the task to him, and you will probably do the same. Take care.