Was it me or was he narcissistic?

[Inquisitivemind111]

Basically, I’m here because I’m trying to make sense of what just happened with this guy I was dating…Sorry I’m advance for any typos, please don’t judge me. 

Here’s the back story: He had been on of my admirers on social media for about 7 years. After repeatedly approaching me, I finally gave him a real chance in January of this year. We spoke everyday all day for about 2 months……. I will admit he was a little strange & withdrawn from the beginning because I had to initiate all over our calls, and he would also make these suggestions to me that I was insecure about other women, which was weird because I’m not, he would also would make slick comments whenever I didn’t text or call him all day although he would be silent as well. He seemed to required that I chase him, as he was always in his own little world. 

However on the night of our first date — which was the day we met, everything went south! He was agitated & rushing me to see him way earlier than we agreed. His expectations were so high! He criticized me for not doing things how he envisioned. He questioned me at the table about my long term friendships with the opposite sex in a jealous/nervous way, and then he ordered alcohol when he told me he had been sober for 100+ days. He seemed to be forcing romance, and finally in the end he caused a big drama because he wanted to hang out with me more after dinner, i agreed to spend but then he quickly declined because he wanted me to “get my rest” as I had a flight to catch the next morning. However the next morning he expressed to me that he was disappointed because we didn’t hang out after dinner (remember he’s the one that declined…But he claims he did because my offer to hang out with him wasn’t genuine.) And he also expressed being upset because ask/didn’t invite him to breakfast when we hadn’t even made plans to see one another (remember I had a flight to catch, I didn’t even eat breakfast that morning!). In his eyes he says he drove 6hrs see me, but I feel like that was emotional manipulation because he had to drive through my city to get to Florida, on top of that he’s the one that ended our date night. I find it strange & overly emotional that he tried to flip it on me. 

Long story shorter he started acting funny, and 2 days later I ended up going off on him because how he acted the day we met was completely ridiculous & sinister to me ! He completely played the victim, twisted my words, called me crazy. He said that he put the ball in my court, and I didn’t do anything with it. He also said that he was looking for perfection. He was very stern saying he was testing me and my response to him, showed him the real me. And he said before hanging up that I would care about this more than he would.

And just like that , I went from the woman of his dreams to nothing. Afterwards he started lying about being out of the country & not having phone service, and on numerous occasions promising to talk to me about everything, but being completely unavailable. After about three weeks I called him out on his stupid test, the lying, and the fact that he took no accountability for how things that went on our date, and that I now feel like he only had intentions to sleep with me and when it didn’t happened he checked out….he literally laughed in my face & went ghost but didn’t block me. 

Im wrapping my mind around how he basically spent 7 years admiring me, professing his deep like for me & complimenting me. He seemed so interested & invested when I gave him a chance. Only for him to sabotage everything, play the victim, and disappear. 

I’ve never dated someone that possibly has personality issues before, so my question is to anyone that has dated this type of person? Is this how a narcissist act when dating? Or was this possibly something else entirely. 

This whole situation really hurt my feelings.  I don’t get it. it was so weird.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

  he told me he had been sober for 100+ days.  he says he drove 6hrs see me, but I feel like that was emotional manipulation. I now feel like he only had intentions to sleep with me and when it didn’t happened he checked out…

Sorry this happened. Agree he just wanted a hookup. 

Unfortunately 7 years of social media contact created false familiarity. Why did he drive this distance? 

Hopefully you've blocked and deleted him from all your social media and messaging apps. 

He seems like a dangerous creep. 

[Lambert]

19 minutes ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

This whole situation really hurt my feelings.  I don’t get it. it was so weird.

Maybe just be glad you dodged a bullet. And use this as a lesson.  7 years of on line admiration and ignoring red flags will not lead to a successful relationship.

When people act weird and say weird things, stop playing with them. 

 

[Inquisitivemind111]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Agree he just wanted a hookup. 

Unfortunately 7 years of social media contact created false familiarity. Why did he drive this distance? 

Hopefully you've blocked and deleted him from all your social media and messaging apps. 

He seems like a dangerous creep. 

Thank you for your response. I knew he was strange! Everything he did when he got here was so weird, and the fact that he wanted pure perfection & for me to take the complete lead was just crazy. But yes he watched me on social media for 7 years, he even had screen shots of me in his phone. I recently realized the other day that he never liked or commented on any of the photos , he just watched from a distance although I had given him my number years ago. What made me give him a chance was, he texted me during my year long hiatus from social media to check on me. And boy did he waste my time with his shenanigans. He comes off as super mature, so for a second I thought maybe it was me, but I know deep down he was not reasonable. Lastly he drove here to meet me, but he also had to drive to Florida the following day, he said that he was going to see his daughter. So I was basically like a pit stop but he tried to make it seem like he drove all of this way just for me. 

[Inquisitivemind111]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

Maybe just be glad you dodged a bullet. And use this as a lesson.  7 years of on line admiration and ignoring red flags does not lead to a successful relationship.

When people act weird and say weird things, stop playing with them. 

 

You are right, and I agree. Thanks for the reply. Much appreciated! 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

. So I was basically like a pit stop but he tried to make it seem like he drove all of this way just for me. 

Agree. He was just looking for a random opportunity. You definitely dodged a bullet. He seems like a sleazeball. Reflect on what made you vulnerable to this. Be glad this ordeal is over and you got out of it safely.

[Batya33]

A psychiatrist would have to determine if he has a disorder. All you have to know is he didn’t play nicely in the sandbox even before you met and be thankful you dodged a bullet and he didn’t physically harm you. 

[Inquisitivemind111]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

A psychiatrist would have to determine if he has a disorder. All you have to know is he didn’t play nicely in the sandbox even before you met and be thankful you dodged a bullet and he didn’t physically harm you. 

Thanks for your response! 

[Andrina]

Women with a healthy self-esteem would've made a speedy exit at dealbreaker number 1. You didn't make an exit until dealbreaker #40. I think you'd be better off working on your self-worth versus wondering why this stranger, for all intents and purposes, acts like a flaky jerk.

[Inquisitivemind111]

31 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Women with a healthy self-esteem would've made a speedy exit at dealbreaker number 1. You didn't make an exit until dealbreaker #40. I think you'd be better off working on your self-worth versus wondering why this stranger, for all intents and purposes, acts like a flaky jerk.

How did I show low self esteem? And in your opinion what was deal breaker number 1? Why are you judging me for wondering if he was a narcissist or not? Am I not allowed to wonder without being a low self esteemed person? Dang girl. 

[Cherylyn]

He sounds very mentally ill and yes,  narcissistic,  too.  He was gaslighting you.  He only wanted you for sex and when you didn't oblige,  he suddenly lost interest in you and blamed you for everything.  What a chump and he's such a loser.   Good riddance! 

[Inquisitivemind111]

52 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He sounds very mentally ill and yes,  narcissistic,  too.  He was gaslighting you.  He only wanted you for sex and when you didn't oblige,  he suddenly lost interest in you and blamed you for everything.  What a chump and he's such a loser.   Good riddance! 

Thank you for your reply. 

[Starlight925]

I started to quote your post and highlight all the red flags, but turns out, the whole thing was a red flag.

Actually, the whole "7 years of admiring on social media" is a flag, both for you and him.  What does that even mean?  Who spends 7 years focusing on one person?  Did either of you not date others during that time?  What kind of social media presence do you have that you'd have admirers like that?  

To answer your question, yes, I believe he appears narcissistic, and he also gaslights you.  Twisting words, making you squirm, your whole post highlights it all.

The topic of healthy self esteem came up, which you bristled at, but please read the truth in it.  Healthy self esteem would have caused you to stop this before it even started.  The fact that you always had to contact him first, and he gave you a hard time if you didn't, was a red flag ignored.

I'm not giving you a hard time here; I've been there.  I've spent hundreds of hours researching narcissism, gaslighting, and the trauma that ensues, and the root causes behind why we participate.  I've been you; I've been the participant.  I am not judging.

Trust me when I say, that something in your past caused you not to just participate, but to get very upset about what happened.  Again, I'm not judging, but your reaction is from a much deeper place than just this guy, I think.

There's a saying that really made sense to me when I was in your shoes:

 If it's hysterical, it's historical.  

I'm not saying your reaction is "hysterical", but think of girls you know who would just blow this guy off and never think another thing about him.  Why is your reaction so deep?  Why does it hurt so much?  There's something historical there.

Seeking therapy to help uncover the reasons why you participated will help clear your path for a great guy who won't do all these push/pull nonsensical moves.

[Inquisitivemind111]

59 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I started to quote your post and highlight all the red flags, but turns out, the whole thing was a red flag.

Actually, the whole "7 years of admiring on social media" is a flag, both for you and him.  What does that even mean?  Who spends 7 years focusing on one person?  Did either of you not date others during that time?  What kind of social media presence do you have that you'd have admirers like that?  

To answer your question, yes, I believe he appears narcissistic, and he also gaslights you.  Twisting words, making you squirm, your whole post highlights it all.

The topic of healthy self esteem came up, which you bristled at, but please read the truth in it.  Healthy self esteem would have caused you to stop this before it even started.  The fact that you always had to contact him first, and he gave you a hard time if you didn't, was a red flag ignored.

I'm not giving you a hard time here; I've been there.  I've spent hundreds of hours researching narcissism, gaslighting, and the trauma that ensues, and the root causes behind why we participate.  I've been you; I've been the participant.  I am not judging.

Trust me when I say, that something in your past caused you not to just participate, but to get very upset about what happened.  Again, I'm not judging, but your reaction is from a much deeper place than just this guy, I think.

There's a saying that really made sense to me when I was in your shoes:

 If it's hysterical, it's historical.  

I'm not saying your reaction is "hysterical", but think of girls you know who would just blow this guy off and never think another thing about him.  Why is your reaction so deep?  Why does it hurt so much?  There's something historical there.

Seeking therapy to help uncover the reasons why you participated will help clear your path for a great guy who won't do all these push/pull nonsensical moves.

Okay! Great response! You are absolutely right. I think what triggered me to feel hurt was being put on a pedestal and devalued, no one likes that. No I did not think it was a red flag that he was one of my social media admirers for so long, I’m a social media influencer so it didn’t bother me. We chatted over the years so he wasn’t a complete “Stranger”. While I’ll admit there was red flags in the beginning with me having to contact first, but I will take heed to what you said. Maybe I have my own rejection issues, I’ll admit I can be delusional about people because I choose to see the good in others even when they do negative things, why? Because I want others to do the same for me. I’m not perfect. But thanks so much for your insight I appreciate it. 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

Im wrapping my mind around how he basically spent 7 years admiring me, professing his deep like for me & complimenting me. He seemed so interested & invested when I gave him a chance. Only for him to sabotage everything, play the victim, and disappear. 

Yeah well, I'm pretty sure this is why it went on for 7 yrs.  He's probably flopped with every woman he's ever met! 😕 . And just kept this up with you until you gave in....

 

6 hours ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

And just like that , I went from the woman of his dreams to nothing. Afterwards he started lying about being out of the country & not having phone service, and on numerous occasions promising to talk to me about everything, but being completely unavailable. After about three weeks I called him out on his stupid test, the lying, and the fact that he took no accountability for how things that went on our date, and that I now feel like he only had intentions to sleep with me and when it didn’t happened he checked out….he literally laughed in my face & went ghost but didn’t block me. 

I'm amazed you lasted this long.  He is shady for sure!

Be glad you're done with him... he is Toxic. With his manipulating tactics, etc. ( what I call a 'mindfk'.. right? lol). Been there a cpl times.. I now know quite fast, the shady ones 😉 .

he never blocked you- but is time for you to do it to him.

Good riddance!

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

Im wrapping my mind around how he basically spent 7 years admiring me, professing his deep like for me & complimenting me

Your mistake was in taking any of this seriously. This man didn't know you. Anyone making these claims when they have never met you has a couple screws loose. 

8 hours ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

he started acting funny, and 2 days later I ended up going off on him

No. Your best move would've been to cut contact rather than lash out. Again, you don't really know who you are dealing with. Take better care next time not to let your emotions get the best of you when you're confronted with bizarre behaviour from an internet stranger. 

8 hours ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

then he ordered alcohol when he told me he had been sober for 100+ days

The only people who count days of sobriety are generally those with a substance abuse problem, OP. 

He sounds like a complete loon, yes. But he also doesn't sound single to me. I would bet any money he's got someone in his life. In any event, he showed you red flags from the beginning. Next time, please heed them. Do a better job for yourself in filtering out the weirdos. 

[Jaunty]

Guy sounds like a garden variety loser.  I’m not sure how you’d diagnose a person with a personality disorder when you’ve met him once, but it doesn’t matter anyway.  Social media attention doesn’t mean much, if anything.  
 

I have to agree that this situation speaks to your own self esteem.  First, I’m not getting why you’d take 7 years of “admiration” on social media as meaningful.   Since you did, and the guy outed himself as a jerk in the first few minutes of your encounter, what compelled you to stick around for so much more?   He’s a stranger.  You don’t need him. And since it took you 7 years to “give him a real chance,” seems pretty clear that you were just fine without him.  
 

 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Was it me or was he narcissistic?

Eh, who knows? Does he has a delusions of grandeur? Likes himself and talks grand about himself?

He sounds way too emotionally "clingy" to be one. For example narcissist wouldnt care to chase you, let alone for 7 years. Nore being overly emotional. As they dont really care about you to be emotional and so overinvested in you. But he does exhibit some signs. Like lovebombing and gaslighting. But that isnt only a thread of narcissists.

Anyway, he does sounds very unhinged. And yes, you should have noticed that in 7 years. Yes, even chasing somebody for 7 years is a red flag. But you were maybe too flattered by that fact to notice that and identify it as red flag.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

How did I show low self esteem? And in your opinion what was deal breaker number 1? Why are you judging me for wondering if he was a narcissist or not? Am I not allowed to wonder without being a low self esteemed person? Dang girl. 

Who cares if he has a disorder in this situation? What would that tell you that you don't already know -that he treated you with disrespect and thoughtlessness -and you tolerated it.  Tolerating his jerky treatment is the issue -over and over -you "said" you didn't like it but your actions in staying -and asking for more - says otherwise. I rewatched the Joy Luck Club on a flight last night -I highly recommend it and especially the part of the movie about a woman knowing her worth as a person in a marriage.

[Starlight925]

This is not all about self esteem, as it's likely much deeper than that.

Speaking for myself (and this may be applicable to you, so I'll share it):  The reason it was important for me to identify the particular issue in my situation was that light bulbs went off, as it was a pattern I was repeating, that went back to childhood.

Accepting this type of behavior, and our part in it, usually comes from a place deep inside, and once we look at all the angles, we can usually identify something, someone, someplace, where we were treated in a similar manner, and we accepted it, we got emotional over it, we tried to please the person who was treating us this way, they gaslit us and made us feel we were in the wrong, only to put us back on a pedestal and start the cycle over.

The 100 days sobriety/ordering alcohol is a way of him showing that he won't be loyal.  To anyone, or anything.  Someone counting days of sobriety typically takes that sobriety very seriously, and they are usually extremely upset when they break their own sobriety.  This guy threw his sobriety away like a used napkin.

Again, this was just me, but this may help you in your quest, not about this particular guy, but in your quest to find a meaningful love, someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Look into your past:  the people in your life, even those you truly love, and see if any of these behaviors, in different forms, were present.  Someone who thought you hung the moon, thought you were truly wonderful (like this guy, 7 years of admiration), but once you gave into their feelings, they made little things all your fault, turned things around on you, made you feel small, only to then put you back on that pedestal and start the cycle again.  

We often repeat childhood patterns, as a means of "correcting" them.  A therapist recommended a great book on this to me, long ago.  The theory being, that now that we are an adult, we have the control, we can now correct what made us feel bad in childhood by being attracted to a partner who exhibits similar traits, similar behaviors, and if only we can get them to love us the way that we wanted to be loved, all will be corrected.  Doesn't have to be the opposite sex parent/relative; in my case, it was my mother.  Push/pull, I was always "smaller", then I was the "best, most beautiful", then I was "not good enough", etc.  So, when I found a guy who put me on a pedestal, then took me down a few pegs, then put me back up, it was like....mommy please love me unconditionally.  As I said, I'm not shaming you, but rather sharing what helped me.  YMMV.

 

[smackie9]

Ya this guy has an antisocial disorder. I can see the mental illness from here. He's a loner, has wild fantasies, doesn't know how to feel or be a normal person, doesn't know how to properly social interact with people. I'm sure on social media he tries to portray himself as this popular guy, has lots of women on his social media, etc so he can feel important. He turned to drinking because of this, which made him even more of an outcast/lonely person. It's rather sad TBH. He's a lost soul.

[Starlight925]

I just saw a meme that is so applicable here:

"The thing about a narcissist is there is no problem solving.  You're dealing with an unreasonable person who who wants to deflect, blame, attack, play the victim, and give the silent treatment".

Sound familiar?

[Inquisitivemind111]

Thanks for the replies. I have taken heed. 

[Inquisitivemind111]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ya this guy has an antisocial disorder. I can see the mental illness from here. He's a loner, has wild fantasies, doesn't know how to feel or be a normal person, doesn't know how to properly social interact with people. I'm sure on social media he tries to portray himself as this popular guy, has lots of women on his social media, etc so he can feel important. He turned to drinking because of this, which made him even more of an outcast/lonely person. It's rather sad TBH. He's a lost soul.

You are spot on , he’s definitely a loner , and he works a lot so he’s normally isolated from others which he said he prefers. Social media is portrayed as lots of fun/travel/and parties, every picture a bottle of patron, comments from girls only not as many guys…said he drank to deal with his mothers death , and that he used to be very pessimistic & his mother was as well. I believe he had a very hard childhood which included some emotional abuse. He was also a parent at an early age , and experienced a long period of homelessness at an early age. Atleast that’s what he said. But yes you are spot on. Thanks for your reply. 

[Andrina]

On 5/13/2023 at 5:58 PM, Inquisitivemind111 said:

I will admit he was a little strange & withdrawn from the beginning because I had to initiate all over our calls, and he would also make these suggestions to me that I was insecure about other women, which was weird because I’m not, he would also would make slick comments whenever I didn’t text or call him all day although he would be silent as well.

First moment to walk away was when he didn't make an equal effort. Second reason to walk away is that he was making you feel bad by blaming you for a crime you didn't commit. Third reason was berating you for not calling or texting when you're not even an exclusive couple, and hadn't even yet met. Even if you were a couple, berating doesn't work, so this was a clear sign the only way he knows how to communicate is toxicity. And this is only the first paragraph of his bad behavior.

 

22 hours ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

I choose to see the good in others even when they do negative things, why? Because I want others to do the same for me. I’m not perfect.

You're very misguided in this general statement and will only continue to hurt yourself by thinking this way--at least in this particular situation. This is a situation where you were seeing dating potential, and his behavior is egregious, dealbreaker behavior, not as in piddly stuff you could overlook like someone you're in a relationship with and you have to ask if he could please put the toilet seat down when he's finished peeing. Nobody's perfect but you have to learn the difference between minor faults and major faults.

I'm sorry you took offense to my response, which was tough love and I took the time to respond because I want you to treat yourself better. I'm speaking from experience because there are things I did that I regretted when I was in the dating world due to my lack of self esteem which I had to work hard to overcome.