Difference in politics and values

[LegalGirl2009]

Hi there! I am currently in a long distance relationship. (I (31) met him (38) while visiting friends out of state) We started dating back in January so it’s relatively new and since we’re long distance, we’ve only spent a few weeks together in person. We have fun together and the relationship has been smooth so far but our values/morals/politics are complete opposite. We do not see eye to eye on many many topics. I don’t usually think differences are deal breakers but this one is heavy. We talked about starting a family/marriage in the future and now I am not sure how we could raise children if we don’t agree on much. I would also be the one relocating if our relationship makes it. But I am not the biggest fan of the state he lives in so it would be a major move for me. Just looking for different perspectives on the situation. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

 We started dating back in January so it’s relatively new and since we’re long distance, we’ve only spent a few weeks together in person. . We talked about starting a family/marriage in the future and now I am not sure 

Take your time getting to know him. Dating is to enjoy getting to know each other as well as observing incompatibilities. You've already identified quite a few.

How far apart are you? How often can you see each other? Don't worry about moving especially to a place you don't like. 

From your description, there seems to be too many obstacles and not enough compatibly.

[boltnrun]

I would say values and morals are of infinite importance. For example, if you believe in a monogamous relationship and he wants to be poly that would be a massive difference. Or if he believes lying or stealing is OK if it gets you what you want and you believe in being honest. Perhaps he believes a woman should not work outside the home and should focus fully on being a wife and mother and you have a career you enjoy. Things like that are very difficult to overcome.

Can you give an example of a moral or value that you two disagree on?

[smackie9]

These are deal breakers. If you feel uncomfortable about it, stop dating him. 

[Cherylyn]

I think it's easier and smoother when both people share mutual values,  principles,  religion,  politics and the whole lot.  Sure,  there are stories of "opposites attract" but it is challenging when both of you won't or can't agree on much.  Not being on the same page makes everyday living "a project."  What a headache.  🙄

I would not like it if my husband and I couldn't agree on morals / values,  politics,  religion,  where to reside,  how to raise our sons,  economic decisions and how to navigate our life.  I disagree with you.  These differences would be definite deal breakers and it's indeed very heavy. 

If there are fundamental differences you'll either have to acquiesce a lot,  resign yourself,  reluctantly agree for the sake of peace,  learn to remain silent,  not comment for the sake of peace,  compromise a lot,  cooperate and be prepared for a lot of debates which could very well lead to heated arguments.  Clashing or being quiet for the sake of harmony is not enjoyable.  It's bound to happen sooner or later.  This is what you must weigh. 

[Kwothe28]

Depends. Some people can coexist despite differences in opinions. I have a politician friend. Anyway he has a fiance. Dont think she holds half of views he does. Even though she does supports him. For example I know that he would like that she cooks as his previous fiance did because she was more at home. But new one works more and isnt really a "cooking type" so they mostly go by just ordering stuff. Or he goes to his mother for lunch. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, sometimes it doesnt matter if both sides are not "set in stones" about stuff and can find some kind of compromise. But you both seem very "outspoken" and if you are at different sides, dont believe you could coexist. For now its great because you are at the beggining and everything is great. But if you would spend more time together, or even live together, those differences would be something that would annoy both of you probably on daily basis. Plus you are long- distance. If you are having arguments now after few months and something so low investing as long- distance, just wait until you are actually together. 

[Seraphim]

It would depend on the moral values or politics . Do you have examples ? 

[lostandhurt]

First off you really haven't spent any amount of time around each other to think about raising children together.  You spend a solid amount of time just the two of you and you will know soon enough.

 As far as these differences goes. If politics for example is part of who they are or how they identify themselves and you are of a different view point it probably will not work just like lets say religion. If they are super devote and you believe but don't adhere to all the things they do it will more than likely cause problems. 

  Do you plan on spending a few weeks together this summer?

 Lost

[Batya33]

I agree with it depends. Some of the values I've found are crucial in my marriage and why it works:

Team approach to parenting even if our approaches differ.

Compatibility as far as charitable giving/philanthropy/generosity of spirit 

Religious values in line with each other.

Wanting to do the "right" ethical and moral thing -especially when it's really tempting not to or to cut corners.  See what he does when it's hard to do the right thing.

Treating human beings with kindness and compassion as a default -especially service people of all kinds.  

Compatible financial values.

Compatible values about higher education (this was critical for me).

As far as politics it really depends for example if someone is really focused on animal rights he/she shouldn't be with a person who couldn't care less about animals.  If a person is vegan from an environmentalist perspective he or she shouldn't date an avid hunter who is a proponent of more rights for hunters. 

For others the whole pro-choice/pro-life might come into play especially if it involves personal decisions as a couple. 

So, it depends IMO.

[itsallgrand]

I think you should spend some time together soon and get a better sense of these things quickly. No point dragging out a relationship that's long distance if after spending more time together there's huge value and moral differences. If you are looking for long term and kids, cut to the chase as fast as you can. 

I usually knew pretty quickly if big differences were deal breakers. Is it the lack of in person time together that has you on the fence? 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

We started dating back in January so it’s relatively new and since we’re long distance, we’ve only spent a few weeks together in person.... We talked about starting a family/marriage in the future and now I am not sure how we could raise children if we don’t agree on much.

It seems like you are rushing. Are you on a timeline to have children? I think the distance is a big problem, if that's the case.

As for differences: I think it depends on the kinds of differences.

For example, I don't think philosophical or ideological differences are a big deal, especially when two people are able to have a conversation.

On the other hand, I think that differences in communication styles, emotional intelligence, empathy levels, etc. can be relationship killers. 

[Cherylyn]

Politics. I can see a couple having differing views and voting differently. 

Religion.  Going to separate churches?  Possible.  Praying together?  I doubt it.  Attending different churches and worship services with children going here or there?  I could see this would be problematic if not when they're very young but also growing up, too.  Usually, one family per church. 

When I was a little girl,  I tagged along with a LDS neighbor (my childhood friend) and her family to church every Sunday and after school church service once a week.  My family remained home as non-believers / atheists / agnositics.  While going my own way was OK,  I didn't feel like part of a family unit as other families who attended church together.  I felt out of place because it was just one of me attached to another family.  It was awkward because I couldn't share my faith with my parents nor siblings. 

Finances?  I think money is a big deal regarding how it is spent,  saved and invested especially if there are joint accounts,  bill paying,  real estate,  shared business,  economic outlook for the future,  etc.  

Differences in moral values and principles?  This is huge.  I know some people who are nice socially but there's another side to them which is wickedly cruel.  Living with them or having a close relationship with them is a pure living nightmare.  😒

Raising children.  Parents raising children their own way with differing moral styles between the mother and father is confusing for children.  If this is the case,  children grow up to be very messed up adults and in turn,  their relationships with other people tend to be train wrecks or so I've noticed.  ☹️

[Jaunty]

If a person has different morals and values from your own, you are almost certainly going to lack the compatibility required to create a harmonious life together.   How would you raise children?

Unfortunately, in the US, where I live, and many parts of the world today, politics has become extremely divisive.  Here, it's practically to the point where it was around the time of the Civil war when much of "politics" centered around slavery.  Extremely divisive.  Elected politicians on the extreme of one side are actively accusing, on public media, the other side of being a cult of pedophiles.  

People on two sides of this type of thing are never going to be able to have a good trusting relationship, much less pull together to raise kids.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

 I am not sure how we could raise children if we don’t agree on much. I would also be the one relocating if our relationship makes it. But I am not the biggest fan of the state he lives in so 

Just to clear your mind, you could make a sort of mental pros and cons list. For example.

Pros: "we have fun together".

Cons:

Long distance.

Don't like where he lives.

Clashing ideologies.

Haven't seen each other much.

Can't picture raising a family.

[JustADude79]

On 5/4/2023 at 1:58 PM, LegalGirl2009 said:

 our values/morals/politics are complete opposite. 

The minute the "honeymoon" phase is over, this will start to cause serious issues. You can both try to work around it, but inevitably there will be major issues. The time you both spend trying to 'work around it' will build and fester until when the arguments do start, the built up pressure will explode. You might get 3-5 good (or decent) years out of the relationship before it completely de-rails.

also:
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT SHARE YOUR VALUES AND PRINCIPLES.