JustADude79

After a series of consecutive bad relationships in my 20s and 30s, I gave up. Based on experience, the only women interested in me are mentally and/or emotionally unstable - so I quit. "I'm better off alone than with that drama", I said. Except I'm actually not. The first 3 or 4 years were ok, peaceful actually. I made some half-assed attempts to talk to a few women here and there, but it never went anywhere. Either it was outright rejection - or I backed off as soon as it might have been something. There's been a few women that I think were expressing interest, but I just automatically (in my head) went to "well, if she likes me she must be crazy" and let those situations fizzle out. But it's not ok. I think I'm literally dying of loneliness. I'm 43 and I'm not sure which will kill me first - the diabetes or the loneliness. A few days ago, as I was in the throes of a serious, level 7 (out of 10) depression episode, I realize that being alone is a problem. I think I narrowed it down to two specific reasons why it's a problem: 1.) I'm a single dad and I thought having someone to love is enough. But as it turns out, there's more than one type of love and they do not share the same pressure relief valves. Overcharge a battery and it explodes. Leave gasoline sitting in a car too long and it goes bad. I love my child with all my heart, but that doesn't address romantic/relationship love, so I'm left with this huge engine that's going bad from sitting too long without doing anything. Unreleased, bottled up emotions of any kind are bad for humans. 2.) "It's because people need to feel wanted. Everyone wants to have a purpose in life and everyone wants to be of purpose to someone else. It's ingrained in us. The expression “Man is a social animal” comes to mind." I copy/pasted that from some random Quora answer after googling "humans have to feel wanted" just now. I wanted that to not be true. "I don't need anyone to be happy with myself.", I've been telling myself. The funny part is that bit is true. I am happy with who I am as a person. I spent the first few years of my relationship independence first getting over the heartache and then doing a lot of introspection and changing things about myself. I did identify a lot of things that I should have done differently in those relationships and have made a lot of effort in addressing those things about myself. But at the end of the day I know myself and I'm comfortable with who I am because I am at base a nice person; loving, loyal, honest, intelligent. I'm not just all high on myself but I know my strengths and weaknesses, my positives and negatives - but nobody else does. Nobody else cares. What's been crushing me for the past few weeks is the realization that outside of my child, I matter exactly 0% to the rest of the world. You don't matter. Nobody cares. Your existence is meaningless. I set out on a mission to prove to myself that my own self-esteem and self-worth isn't dependent on anyone else. Instead of definitively proving that single point, I've learned that it's not that simple. Before recently, I did not know that loneliness and emotional co-dependence are two entirely different things. I thought "if you emotionally depend on other people, you are co-dependent and weak". I understand how silly that may seem to other people, but it made perfect sense to me. (and still kinda does, tbh) There's a huge, planet sized weight absolutely crushing me recently. The pressure and weight of it is utterly soul crushing. Even now as I'm typing this, it's squeezing me so hard my eyes are leaking. There's not a car-crushing machine on earth with this kind of PSI. It's the weight of loneliness and I cannot bear it any longer. What do I do? I have zero idea how to get out of this pit of despair that I've inadvertently dug myself into. I have utterly and completely killed my dating/flirting mojo. The very thought of a relationship is... standing at the foot of the mountain, knowing you need to reach the summit, but it's a freaking mountain to climb and it's terrifying. Assuming I could overcome those two things, what even is the point of a relationship if the primary goal is "i dont want to be lonely"? And now I've talked myself full circle back to where I started. What even is the point anyways? How can I trust anyone? How do I be normal trying to date with all this hogwash I just typed out floating around in my head? If I'm this depressed from loneliness, do I even have the right to bring that b.s. to someone else's door? i can't take this. this is the first time i've spelled all of that out outside my own head. The entire hour it's taken me to type all this has just amplified everything even more. I feel like Atlas has an easy job. I am broken and alone and I don't matter and I'm meaningless and useless and the only women interested in me are the crazy ones because sane women are repulsed by me and i dont even want to be alive and the only reason i didnt let myself die two days ago was because I CANNOT leave my child to navigate the world with the loss of his father at such a young age. i dont want this i never wanted any of this i never asked to be alive i dont want to be alive i dont want to die i am coming completely unglued and didnt realize it until just now there's not help or hope and what in the actual real hell am i supposed to do because i cant go on like this and i can't stop the ride and im stuck and i'm just going to click submit now before i workmyself up anymore i'm sorry to everyone for this long rambling host of nonsensical stujpid weakness.

The minute the "honeymoon" phase is over, this will start to cause serious issues. You can both try to work around it, but inevitably there will be major issues. The time you both spend trying to 'work around it' will build and fester until when the arguments do start, the built up pressure will explode. You might get 3-5 good (or decent) years out of the relationship before it completely de-rails. also: DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT SHARE YOUR VALUES AND PRINCIPLES.

1 - Two years living together is about how long it takes to really get to know someone. Now you do. The longer you let it continue, the harder it will be to break off. 2 - What in the actual heck. That should be all the red flag you needed to run fast and far. 3 - This will NEVER get better. I've seen this exact thing play out with a family member. (and I'm in the same geographic region as you.) If he don't want to work, he ain't going to work - period. You are basically supporting a freeloader. Unless, and until, he is forced to fend for himself, he will never lift a serious finger to contribute anything to anything. Whether it's you or the next person, he's always going to behave as such. 4 - If all the other things weren't enough, this should be the item to push you firmly into the "get the heck out" phase.