How do I handle this potential red flag of mine?

[Unreasonable]

So I'm recently divorced, 51, lost the house, but I have no other financial obligations and make pretty good money.  I'm living with my parents and don't pay rent.  So I'm packing away a decent amount of money and probably can get my own place (buy) within a few years.  My parents are elderly and have health problems and I can legitimately say that I am taking care of them.  My dad is 92 and probably will pass soon. Mom has early stage dementia and is 77. So I really don't know what's going to happen there but currently it's working out well for all of us.

Still, it seems a lot of women want a guy to have his own place, consider not having your own place not having your "*** together" (I have actually seen things to this effect on some profiles).  And this also poses the problem that I would not likely invite her to my place except for social calls and to meet my parents, which is kind of awkward.

How should I address this with a person I am talking to, and when?

 

[spinstermanquee]

I would not assume you don't have your act together if you're caretaking your parents in their place and saving money to buy your next property.  Actually that seems like a win-win-win situation for your family.

As to how to address that item when it comes to dating, I think if the conversation calls for it and you feel comfortable discussing your living situation, just be open and honest.

If it gets to where you are getting close and also closer to affection and intimacy, you can figure out the right and respectful place to go, (not sneaking her in your room at night like a teenager) or going over to her place too early (if she has kids).  Maybe hotel, airBnb, etc.

[bluecastle]

Agree with the above. 

I would just be honest and straightforward about who you are, at this point in your life: a man who, after your divorce, decided to spend some time taking care of your parents while saving money and figuring out what's next. If someone sees that as "dude's **** ain't together" that's just a sign that they're not the dudette for you. 

Personal story, maybe of relevance: 

When I met my now partner I was subletting a place, living among someone else's furniture. I'd been doing this for over a year: spending long stretches in homes that weren't mine and then switching it up because, well, it felt right to me. I had two homes in two other states, where I'd lived in the past, but found it really fun and freeing to sublet for long stretches and carry only enough possessions to fit into a suitcase. 

Some women I met, understandably, felt this meant I wasn't "serious," that I was going to up and leave town, that I had contracted some strain of Peter Pan Syndrome. My girlfriend, however, seemed to think it was just...pretty cool. As it happens she was living in a kind of unorthodox way following her divorce—rooming with another single mom, with the (understandable) rule of no dudes at the place when kids were around (which was most of the time), so in our early days I didn't spend a whole lot of time at hers. I thought that was...pretty cool too.

Point being? While there are some universal red flags out there—heroin addiction, say, or a long rap sheet—many are red in some eyes and white to others. If you don't see yourself as shrouded in a red flag—and I see no reason why you should—then own that with gusto and let the chips land as they may. 

 

 

[Unreasonable]

When you were subletting, were you living alone?

[bluecastle]

Just now, Unreasonable said:

When you were subletting, were you living alone?

I was, yeah.

[Batya33]

I have a friend.  He is in his 50s and for the last number of years has been living with his dad as his full time caretaker.  When he moved back home to do so he had a girlfriend.  Serious gf.  She works in retail and was living sort of with roommates I think (she's a couple years younger but not much).  She moved in with him -and his dad -and they've been doing that for years.

I wanted to add.  In the last 2 years this guy left his full time job (retail) and gets paid by the state to be his father's aide.  Maybe he needed some sort of certification or training??  So he is paid something (unfortunately in the last few months his dad has been in rehab -and now is in the hospital and doing poorly - very very hard).

Anyway I do not believe his gf looks down on him -I know they hadn't just met but still.

When I dated I would not date men who still lived at home -but these were men in their late 20s-early 40s maybe and they were not taking care of parents (or siblings).  Had they been doing what you were doing (which obviously wasn't typical since men of that age range -usually the parents were in their like 60s and doing ok) - I am quite sure I'd have been more than fine with it.  My dad was ill most of his life and my mom took care of him as needed.  I knew from what it was like for one adult to need an adult caretaker.  If you weren't doing so, you'd have to hire people.  And that's really hard now!

[itsallgrand]

I was a bit of a hard ass about men having their own place when I was dating. I would not have seen your situation as a red flag. It's temporary after your divorce, you are helping care for your parents, and you have a plan for the coming years.

Someone may not find your situation compatible with theirs, but you aren't a red flag. Your choices say someone who values self sufficiency and family. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

I was a bit of a hard ass about men having their own place when I was dating. I would not have seen your situation as a red flag. It's temporary after your divorce, you are helping care for your parents, and you have a plan for the coming years.

Someone may not find your situation compatible with theirs, but you aren't a red flag. Your choices say someone who values self sufficiency and family. 

Well GMTA.  Also when to tell? Right away.  Not as a surprise.  Say "I temporarily live with my parents so I can take care of their significant health needs, particularly my mom who likely would need 24/7 outside care if I did not live there."  

Now -that might be TMI for a stranger but you're doing this preventatively.  As far as the temporary being more like a few years -that is ok -your reasons mean you can't actually put a time limit as it's not like 'oh my brother broke his arm playing baseball so I'm living with him to help him out till he gets the cast off."

[Cherylyn]

You don't have a red flag.  If I were you,  I wouldn't worry.  I'd tell the truth and then the woman either accepts your situation as is or rejects you but it's not your fault.  It's the woman's decision whether or not she'll accept how your life is and / or what your plans are. 

I actually think you're in good financial standing between your saving money every month due to no big bills to pay such as rent / mortgage,  etc. and you will inherit your parents' assets.  You will do well economically so between solid character and sound finances,  things are looking up for you so don't fret.  Most women (me included) prefer a man of solid character and stable economics in order to have a relatively smooth life.  Therefore, look at the bigger picture while keeping this in mind.  😊

[Kwothe28]

Anything that you can "spin" into a positive is not a red flag but can also be a "green flag" as well. You skip "losing house" part and say "I needed to move with my elderly parents because they are old and sick and needed help". Kind of like those Linedin profiles where it says "Manager at billion dollar company". While the real job is a shift coordinator at McDonalds lol

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Anything that you can "spin" into a positive is not a red flag but can also be a "green flag" as well. You skip "losing house" part and say "I needed to move with my elderly parents because they are old and sick and needed help". Kind of like those Linedin profiles where it says "Manager at billion dollar company". While the real job is a shift coordinator at McDonalds lol

“CEO of Smith Household Inc” meaning - SAHM. op - I agree. No need to dress this up or make apologies. You’re doing amazing work for your family right now. 

[lostandhurt]

The thing is you cannot change your current situation just to attract dates so instead of looking at this as a negative why don't you look at it as a close family taking care of each other during some hard times.

 Your parents need your help and you need a place to stay.  If you aren't taking advantage of them and contribute to the household, do chores and help care for your mom how is that a red flag?

 Yes some women will take a pass because you don't have your own place but some women will take a pass because you don't drive a German made car.

 Don't make a big deal out of it and it will not be a big deal.  I wouldn't blurt it out though,  just let things play out with who ever you are talking to and when it feels right or you are asked you can explain your CURRENT situation and not feel like you need to defend it.

 Some women like a man who has his priorities straight like taking care of the people you love.

 Lost

[SherrySher]

5 hours ago, Unreasonable said:

So I'm recently divorced, 51, lost the house, but I have no other financial obligations and make pretty good money.  I'm living with my parents and don't pay rent.  So I'm packing away a decent amount of money and probably can get my own place (buy) within a few years.  My parents are elderly and have health problems and I can legitimately say that I am taking care of them.  My dad is 92 and probably will pass soon. Mom has early stage dementia and is 77. So I really don't know what's going to happen there but currently it's working out well for all of us.

Still, it seems a lot of women want a guy to have his own place, consider not having your own place not having your "*** together" (I have actually seen things to this effect on some profiles).  And this also poses the problem that I would not likely invite her to my place except for social calls and to meet my parents, which is kind of awkward.

How should I address this with a person I am talking to, and when?

 

If it's the right person you won't have any issues.

They will be the one who will make you feel comfortable enough to be able to talk to them about the how's and why's and they will be accepting and understanding.

In fact, use this as a way to tell the one's who are not worth it (judgmental, criticizing, rude, possibly even superficial).

You don't want to date people like that anyhow.

[greendots]

Echoing what has been said by everyone, anyone who disses your current living arrangements isn't a good fit for you in the long-term anyway.

Ideally you want someone who feels similarly to you about family and money. You care about taking care of family and saving money. That is awesome! And I truly hope you find a nice woman who shares those values.

 

[Unreasonable]

Been a while since I've been on these forums. Aw you guys are so nice. 🙂

[Jaunty]

Many many adults are taking care of their elderly parents.  I did myself - my mother lived with me for the last years of her life.  

If this is a problem for some women, they are entitled to their feelings about it - but they're just not a match for you at this time.  There are many women who won't be feeling that way.

This said, sometimes the responsibilities of care giving for old parents can be very taxing and can stand in the way of having a lot of freedom to develop a relationship.  

[catfeeder]

Try flipping the question. How much interest would YOU have in meeting a woman who would view your reality through a snotty lens?

I like to think of anyone who wouldn't want me for whatever reason as screening himself out. That's a time saver!

Head high, and stay honest with who you really are. You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later, because trying to please all the people is a very high-stress place to be.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Unreasonable said:

 I have no other financial obligations and make pretty good money.  I'm living with my parents and don't pay rent.  .  My parents are elderly and have health problems and I can legitimately say that I am taking care of them.  

It's a tough one but not insurmountable.

Definitely don't go on about losing your house in the divorce. The main issue may be privacy and women not wanting you to camp out at there homes.

They may resent the fact that they're paying bills to survive and you're living for free saving money and have no expenses. So the question is where would you two hang out?

It's also difficult because if you're your parents primary caretaker, how can you be out overnight or on dates?

It would probably be best to consider more homecare for them. If you have power of attorney, use their money and resources to provide them with round-the-clock excellent care. 

It may be a question of logistics as far as where to hang out and how much time you have as well as dealing with any "living with parents" type of stigma. Work on the logistics.

 

[Unreasonable]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a tough one but not insurmountable.

Definitely don't go on about losing your house in the divorce. The main issue may be privacy and women not wanting you to camp out at there homes.

They may resent the fact that they're paying bills to survive and you're living for free saving money and have no expenses.

Quote

If she resents that then she wouldn't be someone I'd be interested in honestly.  I certainly wouldn't emphasize or brag about it or anything.

So the question is where would you two hang out?

Quote

If by "hanging out" you mean being intimate, it would have to be at her house or at a hotel, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  If you mean just spending time together, I'm perfectly fine doing that in public.  If her idea of hanging out is just watching TV or whatever, I probably wouldn't be that interested, and if she really wants that she can invite me over.  This is assuming she has kids and the relationship has progressed to the point where she has introduced me to them. I certainly would not pursue intimacy with her kids around.  But again, cross that bridge if/when it comes.

It's also difficult because if you're your parents primary caretaker, how can you be out overnight or on dates?

Quote

Overnight would be tricky.  I don't see that being a regular thing though.  I'm not a cohabitation type of guy in any case.  Dates are no problem.  They are not THAT bad off where they need supervision 24/7.  My mom is able bodied and is only early progressed with dementia.

It would probably be best to consider more homecare for them. If you have power of attorney, use their money and resources to provide them with round-the-clock excellent care. 

Quote

Yeah, that's not happening.  Gonna definitely remain with them till my dad passes away.  Mom?  That's gonna depend on how her dementia progresses.  

It may be a question of logistics as far as where to hang out and how much time you have as well as dealing with any "living with parents" type of stigma. Work on the logistics.

Quote

That would probably depend on how far away she lived.  Ideally, once the relationship was established, I would want to see her 2-3 times a week.  That would be no problem for me if she lived relatively close. 

 

 

[smackie9]

Your situation is not for everyone, and it does pigeon hole you, limits options. BUT as been said, lots of people are living with their elderly parents/being caregivers. Be honest about it, and play it by ear. There will be someone that is flexible, willing to make compromises. No different that doing long distance, you work with what you have. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Here's how I see it, assuming you're still reading.  If her attraction to you is strong, she won't care.   I'm speaking personally and for other women I know but when really attracted to a man, we will overlook just about anything, within reason. 

And living with and caring for elderly parents reflects positively on you.   But even if your parents were healthy, and you just wanted to save money, that would be okay too, again assuming her attraction is strong. 

On the other hand, if her attraction is not strong or she's dating you to pass time or impress her friends (I know of women who do this), then she will probably not want to date you which if that is the case, would be no great loss to you as far as I'm concerned.