My boyfriend traumatized me very early on in the relationship and I can't seem to forget about it..

[livelovelaugh827]

Me, 25F and my boyfriend, 27M have been together for about 2 years now. We live together and I help him take care of his 6yr/o daughter. Recently, he's been trying really hard to make me happy given the trauma from the past that he gave me, however, he is a very hypersexual person and will say things like "you aren't attracted to me" or "you have your eyes on someone else" if I do not want to have sex with him, and that is not true at all, the case is, I have never had much sex drive to begin with and yes, he did do some things sexually to me that make me uncomfortable when he even brings up sex, and I know sex is very important to him, but I have so much trouble wanting to.

 

What happened was, in the first year of our relationship, it was a very rocky patch. He had a lot of trauma that he told me about very early on, and he had clear anger problems and tended to make me cry 😕 however I wanted to try and stay with him in hopes that he'd changed? I changed my entire life around for him and his daughter, so I didn't wanna just let the entire relationship go, he's the person I love coming home to everynight, but I just don't wanna have sex with him most the time.. 😕

 

So, within a month of us dating, I told him that I had watched a porn video, and he yelled at me and freaked out on me because he had come over almost everyday anyway and was upset that I didn't wait for him, I cried, tried to storm out but he eventually stopped me and apologized and from there on, I figured porn was a huge no no in our relationship.

 

I'll leave that part there, but I'm not done.

 

Another thing he did early on was have an obsessed with butt stuff, and that was something I told him from the getgo that I was not into, and he had a "maybe one day you will be" mindset, and during sex he would do things like slip his finger inside.. I'd freak out.. I tried it because I liked him and wanted to make him happy, but it really was not my cup of tea, I even agreed to try a butt plug for him and the plug was bigger than we'd expected and when we pulled it out all I did was cry because I hated the experience, I felt so vulnerable and almost violated and he promised he'd never do stuff like that again.

 

Cept he did, he did slip his finger in more times, and I usually would get super tense, make uncomfortable noises and say no as I would try to pull away from it 😕 he just kept saying stuff like "you know you like it" and it got to a point where I would try to say no to sex more, and then of course the "you're not attracted to me anymore" "theres someone else.. there always is when girls say no like that.." came up, and I told him that that was not the case, and that I just keep living with what he did in the past, and he tells me I need to forgive and forget and let it go and if I wanna build a family with him I'll have to let it go. I just don't want to do the whole sex thing much anymore.. He can make me cum, there's no doubt about that, but usually going into it I never want to because I'm scared that he's gonna do something that he used to do in the past, and keep in mind, this whole situation is about a year ago, he's very different now and hasn't done this stuff in a while, it just constantly lives with me and anytime he asks for sex I get uncomfortable because even to this day he'll do positions that feel like he's gonna slip in and at one point he snapped on me and was like "you don't think i ***ing get it that you don't want me to go in there? ***! I ***ing know it's not like you don't say it everytime we have sex"

 

I say it everytime we have sex bc he TRIED to do smn like that everytime we had sex at one point in our relationship, so it is constantly living with me.

 

Back to the porn thing, he had also accused me of purchasing a girls onlyfans because I was looking up someone I know to peep their page, I didn't purchase it or anything, just peeping! and he would accuse me of it a couple times, tell me I only like girls.. etc..

 

Flash forward on that one to this year, early this year, I find out that he had an onlyfans account the entire time, and he been paying for nudes. When I called him on it and told me to show me the transaction logs, he freaked out and deleted the ***ing account and boy was I pissed off.. Another thing that traumatized me, because I went out 2 year relationship thing that porn is NOT something we will be consuming in this relationship because of how he yelled at me within a month of meeting me and how he reacted when I was looking at a girls onlyfans.

 

But he was the one purchasing them all along, he was being very hypocritcal and it was the worst feeling I'd ever felt and it is yet another thing that lives in the back of my head anytime he tries to have sex with me.

 

He said the last time he purchased onlyfans was like July of last year, when we were really happy and spending time in New York together.. It was a very terrible feeling.

 

I have been trying to heal my brain on this for the past many weeks, but it has been so hard, anything he does doesn't make me happy, I get upset over something everyday and I think it's a response to me not wanting to have sex with him, so I just start an argument instead because regardless of what happens in the day, he's still gonna ask me for sex EVERY. NIGHT. We went maybe a week of no sex after the onlyfans thing, but now since it's a month and it still lives in my head and sex is really important to him and he asks every night, (and morning now) for something and I cannot bring myself to want to.

 

I wanted to build a life with him, but I'm starting to think he addiction to sex is probably the biggest turn off, I am absolutely traumatized with those two things and he says things like "you've done ***ed up *** to me too!" and when I asked him what, he says something like "you're trying to change the subject"

 

and as i'm writing this out, I'm realizing how bad this all sounds. I don't know what to do with my relationship. Half of me wants to kick him to the curb, but the other half knows hes been trying his hardest to keep me happy recently, he just constantly asks for sex and a week ago pointed out smaller buttplugs and all the negative memories from the past just come floating back in killing the healing process I've made on trying to relearn how to love him the way he loves me, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. But he really wants me too. The fact my basically stepdaughter is involved as well makes it extra hard on me, it's so hard to get out of this and it's so hard to heal, I feel so stuck no matter what I try to do.

 

Thanks for reading my rant 🙂 and if anyone has any ideas on how to handle this and how to possibly forget about the negative things he did in the past, I am all ears. Sex feels like a chore to me at this point like it's just something to make him happy, but what would make me happy is not having sex and letting my brain heal, but at the same time, I don't want to lose him or his daughter 😕 they are like the foundation for me and he's my first boyfriend and he's had lots of girlfriends in the past, and I just, don't know what the hell to do

[Seraphim]

I didn’t get past 2 paragraphs to know you are not compatible. One person can’t not be hyper sexual and pushing things on another and the other not want it or like it . That is gross and abusive. Also a hyper sexual person just can’t live with someone who has an average sex drive you guys are just not compatible.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, livelovelaugh827 said:

Me, 25F and my boyfriend, 27M have been together for about 2 years now. We live together and I help him take care of his 6yr/o daughter.  Sex feels like a chore to me at this point like it's just something to make him happy, 

Sorry this is happening. He seems abusive. Is it your place, his place or do you co-lease or co-own?

Read up on abusive relationships. Talk to trusted friends and family.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Mention the anal raping. Get some tests done including STD testing, what you know may only be the tip of the iceberg as far as his sexual proclivities. Discontinue having sex. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support..

Stop taking care of his child. That's his and his ex's responsibility. Don't allow yourself to used either as free household help or someone he feels free to sexually assault.

[spinstermanquee]

Hi livelovelaugh, sorry you're going through this.  You should not have to dodge, avoid, or protect yourself from unwanted sex acts from someone who is *supposed* to love, respect, and treat you like gold.  He's also a hypocrite with the porn... "do as I say not as I do."

Your needs and wants should matter most to you, they will never be met and you will not be safe if you stay with this person.  Hugs and best wishes for your freedom from him.

[Coily]

Just nope this guy out of your life.

Firstly for the sexual incompatibility, secondly for the pressure you felt from him for sexual activities, and lastly if you have any hesitation about sex with a partner it's a good sign there is nothing really worth holding on to.

Now I won't call this sexual assault because of the legal ramifications and definitions, but it is definitely taking sexual advantage of you. That's just unacceptable, full stop.

[Kwothe28]

You are way incompatible in that area. Its not just that he has higher sex drive, he is literally emotionally manipulative pig that tries to make you to do something you are not comfortable with. Same with his porn and Onlyfans addiction. He was accusing you because it was him who had a problem with Onlyfans but he was deflecting it by accusing you. Lowlife manipulative pig. Get away from there before he does more damage to you. All he literally does, including sentences like "You are not attracted to me" or "you have eyes on somebody else" is just manipulation.

[smackie9]

I'm not sure if you really understand what abuse is....but you must know your brain won't forget and the sex is mechanical because it's your brain screaming at you to get out of your situation. Denial is pretty evident. So let me guess....he upsets you, you pull away and he pulls you right back in with love bombing, saying how much he loves you etc, am I close here? If you are feeling you have the issue, then that is what a victim of abuse is....feeling it's your fault in some way and you must learn to dismiss it. You want to get some direction? Go seek counseling. There's no way your brain can heal when you are around this person. Your emotional attachment is clouding your better judgement. There's a reason why you don't feel happiness...and you won't find it unless you change your situation. 

[MissCanuck]

This man is sexually and emotionally abusive. 

You don't need to "heal your brain" to stay in this relationship - you need to get away from him and into therapy which can help you heal so you never wind up with a man like this again. 

[livelovelaugh827]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He seems abusive. Is it your place, his place or do you co-lease or co-own?

Read up on abusive relationships. Talk to trusted friends and family.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Mention the anal raping. Get some tests done including STD testing, what you know may only be the tip of the iceberg as far as his sexual proclivities. Discontinue having sex. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support..

Stop taking care of his child. That's his and his ex's responsibility. Don't allow yourself to used either as free household help or someone he feels free to sexually assault.

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies I'll try to get back to them. He and I live with my parents, my family and I took him in. Pretty ***ty. The thing is he does a lot of things for us, like buys us groceries, pays some of our bills (mind u, rent free he just helps out when i ask, my mom doesnt wanna ask him to help out and I wish she would, but he tries to help out in ways he can)

 

When I've tried breaking up with him before, he would start crying and mention all the things he does for us, but I've come to realization all the things he does for us are things that boyfriends should do especially rent free boyfriends, and now I'm living with constant thoughts in my head about how to get out of this. I messaged him earlier and it basically ended with him saying hes not going to try to do anything with me to basically give me time to heal, but when I see him tonight our conversation will go further and I will definetly be using  some of the resources some of these replies give me, like calling him out for being manipulative and that saying stuff like "you're attracted to someone else.." is 100% manipulation. He told me I was manipulative the other day bc I "talk ***" about him to my friends and gave them all the rundown on the onlyfans drama, but that was just me venting to them but he was upset that I vented to multiple people, well here I am venting to a whole ass website lol I am getting very fed up with him and the stuff he's done to me is unforgivable... 

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I'm not sure if you really understand what abuse is....but you must know your brain won't forget and the sex is mechanical because it's your brain screaming at you to get out of your situation. Denial is pretty evident. So let me guess....he upsets you, you pull away and he pulls you right back in with love bombing, saying how much he loves you etc, am I close here? If you are feeling you have the issue, then that is what a victim of abuse is....feeling it's your fault in some way and you must learn to dismiss it. You want to get some direction? Go seek counseling. There's no way your brain can heal when you are around this person. Your emotional attachment is clouding your better judgement. There's a reason why you don't feel happiness...and you won't find it unless you change your situation. 

Sounds pretty close.. Whenever it gets down to the seriousness of me trying to get him out of here he tells me how much he loves me, all the things he does for me, tells me I was using him as support etc... Usually it ends with how we can't imagine life without each other, but now I'm starting to see that maybe my life would be fine and dandy and go back to the happy girl who was full of creativity back two years before we got together, I am a totally different person now. I miss who I was.

 

 

I will be talking to him in person here in a few hours and we'll see where it goes from there, all I know is, I don't have to have sex and it's wild that I'm thrilled about that... 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, livelovelaugh827 said:

When I've tried breaking up with him before, he would start crying and mention all the things he does for us, but I've come to realization all the things he does for us are things that boyfriends should do especially rent free boyfriends, 

On top of being abusive, he's mooching off your parents. Reflect how happy your life would be when you're free from this.

[smackie9]

He's a narcissist and a user. He's only in it for himself and will do and say anything to stay there/get what he wants. He needs to be kicked to the curb. 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, livelovelaugh827 said:

Cept he did, he did slip his finger in more times, and I usually would get super tense, make uncomfortable noises and say no as I would try to pull away from it 😕 he just kept saying stuff like "you know you like it" and it got to a point where I would try to say no to sex more, and then of course the "you're not attracted to me anymore" "theres someone else.. there always is when girls say no like that.." came up, and I told him that that was not the case, and that I just keep living with what he did in the past, and he tells me I need to forgive and forget and let it go and if I wanna build a family with him I'll have to let it go.

This is ridiculous!  He's shown all along he has NO respect for you 😕 .

I would not last long with a partner who did not want to LISTEN to understand and stop such behaviour!

And on top of it, the guilt bs, should you turn away .. wow.

Him now trying to 'make you happy' is a little too little too late!  The damage is done and he's a lost cause.

Sorry, but let this be enough now!  Tell him this isn't for you anymore.  You tried, but nope, no more!  Let him deal with it.  

 

[MissCanuck]

This man does not love you. 

He is using you and your parents. You need to get him out of your house, and get yourself into some good-quality counselling. 

[Batya33]

19 hours ago, livelovelaugh827 said:

Recently, he's been trying really hard to make me happy given the trauma from the past that he gave me, however, he is a very hypersexual person and will say things like "you aren't attracted to me" or "you have your eyes on someone else" if I do not want to have sex with him, and that is not true at all, the case is, I have never had much sex drive to begin with and yes, he did do some things sexually to me that make me uncomfortable when he even brings up sex, and I know sex is very important to him, but I have so much trouble wanting to.

 

That's not being hypersexual.  That's just plain vanilla being rude and tactless.

I agree with all the others.

[Seraphim]

Something tells me he might only understand a male authority. Your dad needs to tell him to get out and now and not waiver for any reason. 

[1a1a]

I recommend against that conversation. What good will come of trying to convince him he’s been behaving in a reprehensible way?

If one was having the best of faith, this relationship should still end because the sexual incompatibility will make you both miserable for the rest of your lives. (But then also you know he will kick down and stomp on your sexual boundaries repeatedly. You don’t have to settle for that, that’s way below the bar of acceptable bare minimum.)

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I recommend against that conversation. What good will come of trying to convince him he’s been behaving in a reprehensible way?

If one was having the best of faith, this relationship should still end because the sexual incompatibility will make you both miserable for the rest of your lives. (But then also you know he will kick down and stomp on your sexual boundaries repeatedly. You don’t have to settle for that, that’s way below the bar of acceptable bare minimum.)

I think most would be incompatible with someone who pressured them to do a sex act they were not comfortable doing.

[Tinydance]

You said you realise how bad this sounds - yes it does. You also said that anything your boyfriend does doesn't make you happy. That's really not surprising considering he's treated you really bad and yes he is manipulative. 

First of all, as you probably realise he's a huge hypocrite. He actually YELLED at you because you watched one porn video. Yelling is actually not OK. Even if someone needs to raise an issue with their partner, they should talk normally and not yell. But what makes it much worse is that all along HE has actually been not just watching Only Fans but spending money on it. He has no right to go off at you for watching porn if he literally does the same thing.

Secondly, yes of course you're traumatised because you clearly told him many times you didn't want to do any butt stuff. And your boyfriend just ignored everything you said and kept doing it. He didn't care how you felt at all and he was basically forcing you to do things sexually that you were clear you didn't want to do. I think that actually could be called sexual assault because you made it clear you didn't consent to those things. Yes he has been really manipulative because he's been accusing you of cheating but it's a tactic to guilt you into having sex with him and doing butt stuff.

Thirdly, he manipulates you by saying he's "done so much for you". Done what exactly? Your parents have taken him AND his small daughter into their house. He doesn't pay any rent or bills, right? He just buys groceries. It's actually the least he can do considering him and his daughter are living there for  free and using utilities but it's your parents who are paying the bills.

Also even without all the other issues, if you never want to have sex with your partner, something is clearly wrong there. The thing is in a relationship it's normal to have sex (unless people are asexual etc.) If you don't want to I think it's a sign of much deeper problems and deeper unhappiness you have with your boyfriend.

[livelovelaugh827]

Hello everyone, thanks for the support on this thread, I ended up kicking him out last month of May 19th because I always had a gut feeling that he was talking in more provocative ways with his ex girlfriend and anytime I'd bring it up he'd call me crazy and tell me to put it in the past, but me, crazy, told him I was gonna kick him out if he didn't scroll up to 2021 messages with her and he was not happy as he scrolled and they talked SO much,  but messages revealed them last year reminiscing about the sex they used to have and I stormed out of his truck, ran into my house and told my dad to help me kick him out.

 

That was a month ago, and now I am much happier and thriving and I appreciate everyone who came to support me in this post, just wanted to update yall, my stepson has been living with his mom for a month now and that loser is hotel hopping bc hes an idiot and did it to himself :) thx yall

[Cherylyn]

Make your exit plan and get out.  You need to dump him. 

[Jaunty]

Happy to hear you made the move to get him out.  That was very toxic.  I hope you can recognize any red flags guys show you in the future, before moving forward in a relationship.  This guy let you know who he was early on but you made a lot of accommodations for it.