Me, 25F and my boyfriend, 27M have been together for about 2 years now. We live together and I help him take care of his 6yr/o daughter. Recently, he's been trying really hard to make me happy given the trauma from the past that he gave me, however, he is a very hypersexual person and will say things like "you aren't attracted to me" or "you have your eyes on someone else" if I do not want to have sex with him, and that is not true at all, the case is, I have never had much sex drive to begin with and yes, he did do some things sexually to me that make me uncomfortable when he even brings up sex, and I know sex is very important to him, but I have so much trouble wanting to.
What happened was, in the first year of our relationship, it was a very rocky patch. He had a lot of trauma that he told me about very early on, and he had clear anger problems and tended to make me cry 😕 however I wanted to try and stay with him in hopes that he'd changed? I changed my entire life around for him and his daughter, so I didn't wanna just let the entire relationship go, he's the person I love coming home to everynight, but I just don't wanna have sex with him most the time.. 😕
So, within a month of us dating, I told him that I had watched a porn video, and he yelled at me and freaked out on me because he had come over almost everyday anyway and was upset that I didn't wait for him, I cried, tried to storm out but he eventually stopped me and apologized and from there on, I figured porn was a huge no no in our relationship.
I'll leave that part there, but I'm not done.
Another thing he did early on was have an obsessed with butt stuff, and that was something I told him from the getgo that I was not into, and he had a "maybe one day you will be" mindset, and during sex he would do things like slip his finger inside.. I'd freak out.. I tried it because I liked him and wanted to make him happy, but it really was not my cup of tea, I even agreed to try a butt plug for him and the plug was bigger than we'd expected and when we pulled it out all I did was cry because I hated the experience, I felt so vulnerable and almost violated and he promised he'd never do stuff like that again.
Cept he did, he did slip his finger in more times, and I usually would get super tense, make uncomfortable noises and say no as I would try to pull away from it 😕 he just kept saying stuff like "you know you like it" and it got to a point where I would try to say no to sex more, and then of course the "you're not attracted to me anymore" "theres someone else.. there always is when girls say no like that.." came up, and I told him that that was not the case, and that I just keep living with what he did in the past, and he tells me I need to forgive and forget and let it go and if I wanna build a family with him I'll have to let it go. I just don't want to do the whole sex thing much anymore.. He can make me cum, there's no doubt about that, but usually going into it I never want to because I'm scared that he's gonna do something that he used to do in the past, and keep in mind, this whole situation is about a year ago, he's very different now and hasn't done this stuff in a while, it just constantly lives with me and anytime he asks for sex I get uncomfortable because even to this day he'll do positions that feel like he's gonna slip in and at one point he snapped on me and was like "you don't think i ***ing get it that you don't want me to go in there? ***! I ***ing know it's not like you don't say it everytime we have sex"
I say it everytime we have sex bc he TRIED to do smn like that everytime we had sex at one point in our relationship, so it is constantly living with me.
Back to the porn thing, he had also accused me of purchasing a girls onlyfans because I was looking up someone I know to peep their page, I didn't purchase it or anything, just peeping! and he would accuse me of it a couple times, tell me I only like girls.. etc..
Flash forward on that one to this year, early this year, I find out that he had an onlyfans account the entire time, and he been paying for nudes. When I called him on it and told me to show me the transaction logs, he freaked out and deleted the ***ing account and boy was I pissed off.. Another thing that traumatized me, because I went out 2 year relationship thing that porn is NOT something we will be consuming in this relationship because of how he yelled at me within a month of meeting me and how he reacted when I was looking at a girls onlyfans.
But he was the one purchasing them all along, he was being very hypocritcal and it was the worst feeling I'd ever felt and it is yet another thing that lives in the back of my head anytime he tries to have sex with me.
He said the last time he purchased onlyfans was like July of last year, when we were really happy and spending time in New York together.. It was a very terrible feeling.
I have been trying to heal my brain on this for the past many weeks, but it has been so hard, anything he does doesn't make me happy, I get upset over something everyday and I think it's a response to me not wanting to have sex with him, so I just start an argument instead because regardless of what happens in the day, he's still gonna ask me for sex EVERY. NIGHT. We went maybe a week of no sex after the onlyfans thing, but now since it's a month and it still lives in my head and sex is really important to him and he asks every night, (and morning now) for something and I cannot bring myself to want to.
I wanted to build a life with him, but I'm starting to think he addiction to sex is probably the biggest turn off, I am absolutely traumatized with those two things and he says things like "you've done ***ed up *** to me too!" and when I asked him what, he says something like "you're trying to change the subject"
and as i'm writing this out, I'm realizing how bad this all sounds. I don't know what to do with my relationship. Half of me wants to kick him to the curb, but the other half knows hes been trying his hardest to keep me happy recently, he just constantly asks for sex and a week ago pointed out smaller buttplugs and all the negative memories from the past just come floating back in killing the healing process I've made on trying to relearn how to love him the way he loves me, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. But he really wants me too. The fact my basically stepdaughter is involved as well makes it extra hard on me, it's so hard to get out of this and it's so hard to heal, I feel so stuck no matter what I try to do.
Thanks for reading my rant 🙂 and if anyone has any ideas on how to handle this and how to possibly forget about the negative things he did in the past, I am all ears. Sex feels like a chore to me at this point like it's just something to make him happy, but what would make me happy is not having sex and letting my brain heal, but at the same time, I don't want to lose him or his daughter 😕 they are like the foundation for me and he's my first boyfriend and he's had lots of girlfriends in the past, and I just, don't know what the hell to do
