How do I get over the hurt that he’s still hooked on his ex girlfriend?

[cygnus887]

It’s been almost three weeks and I’m still so hurt by this. (F33) I’ve fallen for someone who’s still involved with their ex girlfriend. This is a guy (M29) I matched with on Tinder back in October last year, he lives about two hours from my town, his profile said he was looking for a relationship. We hit it off right away and began texting every day, also talked on the phone and would FaceTime for hours on end - he was easy to talk to and we shared a lot of the same interests.

Some weeks went by and we decided to meet in December for the first time in a town halfway between us, where we spent the night together and just had an all around great time. During that night he confessed that he was in a weird living situation with his ex. She was moving out to FL for school at the beginning of this year, and they had already broken up but agreed for her to still live in the apartment they shared since her name was still on the lease, they also owned a dog together. At first I thought that was an unusual arrangement but still didn’t think much of it since he assured me they had certainly broken up and she’d be gone soon anyways. 

The months passed and I felt we grew closer in various ways, we opened up about our pasts, our upbringings, we shared some pretty personal things with each other. Though long distance, he continued communication and pursuing me in ways that made me feel he wanted to develop something more serious. He would offer to send me meds if I wasn’t feeling well, would make sure I was having a good day, he even had flowers delivered to my place for Valentine’s Day along with a heartfelt note. Through this period of time though, he had told me his ex was planning on coming up from FL to get their dog from him and take him back with her, it’s like they had some weird custody situation with the dog, looking back I probably should’ve considered that a big red flag. 
We made plans for me to come to his town and visit for an entire weekend at the end of March, he had been asking me for weeks and we were both ecstatic to finally see each other again. 

The entire weekend was going great, he treated me with such care and affection, planned all these fun things for us to do. However right off the bat I noticed a few things around his place that made me uncomfortable. The ex’s college diploma was still hanging on the wall, there was a pair of women’s boots where he kept his shoes, some of her mail was still sitting on the counter, and just some decor around the house wasn’t something I felt a man would have. I didn’t mention anything to him about it. 
The last night I was there he fell asleep while watching a movie, he had told me before that sometimes he talked in his sleep and as he mumbled something I asked him “what did you say?” and he responded but also called me by his ex’s name. I was hurt but remained calm and waited until he woke up to tell him what he’d done. 

He immediately apologized and said he’d never do that on purpose to hurt me. I believed him but told him I felt that he wasn’t over his ex yet if he was mentioning her name in his sleep, his subconscious was clearly trying to tell him something. We had a conversation about it where I told him I wasn’t going to be treated as an option or live in the shadow of his ex, he then said he didn’t think of me as “an option” but our convo made him realize he had created a problem by involving me in a situation where I felt uncomfortable, that he thought things between them would be resolved by now, and he didn’t think he was going to meet a great person like me so soon after his relationship had ended, but that they still had a dog together and according to his ex “she wasn’t going anywhere”. I got emotional and began to cry. He even shed some tears too which I still don’t know if they were genuine or not. He went on to say that none of this was my fault and that it was all him, that he felt I was too good for him and if we stopped talking he knew he’d for sure lose me, that I would get a boyfriend soon enough and that it would upset him. I should’ve just left that night to go back home but instead I stayed the rest of the evening with him wanting to cherish whatever time we had left but feeling hurt and rejected.

The next morning I left and we said our goodbyes, asked me to text him when I got home safe which I did, but haven’t talked to him since. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do, think, or how to interpret this whole situation. I feel the rug just got swept off from under me. I know I deserve better than what he’s willing to give me right now, but then why did he go through the trouble of doing all these sweet things, all the phone calls, intimate conversations, why do all that if he wasn’t willing to take it a step further? We’re still friends on social media and there’s a few posts he’s made where it seems like he’s hinting at the fact that he’s upset or sad, but then why not reach out to me? Thank you to anyone if you’ve read this far, any input is appreciated.

[Cherylyn]

He's not over his ex-girlfriend yet.  Either accept the way he is or get a boyfriend who is ready to move on from his previous relationship and onto you. 

[Batya33]

Ugh -I feel so upset on your behalf -he is such a jerk.  And his ridiculous self serving garbage about you being able to meet someone else. Ick ick ick.  The dog and lease and $$ was an excuse for him to keep her in his life and then have fun on the side. I'm sorry you got hurt. Good riddance and please block him on social media.

Also he lied. She was never his ex.

[Lambert]

I hate this guy!

he had no business getting involved with you and putting you through this BS.  

Unfriend him on social media and consider him dumped by you.  Please take care of yourself.  You do not deserve this.  A few years ago I got totally broad sided as the rebound.  It took me a long time to get over it.  I blamed myself.  I felt so low.  like I deserved it. Like poor him!!!

Meanwhile, people know they are hung up on their ex.  They are being selfish because they feel like crap. But what they do is they pass that crap to you!  Then they go off and live their life.

He cried for himself.  He said all those things for himself.  He doesn't want to be the bad guy.  BUT he is! And that statement, the ex isn't going anywhere... OMG!!!!  girlfriend, she might not be going anywhere. But you should.  That is ridiculous.  

Surround yourself with your tribe-- family and friends, people that LOVE YOU.  Take care of you.  Have fun.  Go live your life.  Take naps.  Eat a lot of ice cream.  Indulge in massages and spa days.  Whatever you like.  Just get away from this guy.  

[Andrina]

What happened is a good example to stick closer to home when dating, such as to limit yourself to about a 45 minute drive from one another. No guarantee you still won't meet up with jerks, but you usually find out a whole lot sooner that a person is a jerk, versus the ones living further away, who can more easily hide skeletons in the closet. At least temporarily.

In fact, it's why people who have things to hide seek out someone a bit distant. Just like he did.

Go no contact with social media. Why keep a jerk in your life, even if solely in cyberspace?

[Lambert]

46 minutes ago, Andrina said:

In fact, it's why people who have things to hide seek out someone a bit distant. Just like he did

So true @Andrina  How many posts have there been about this exact situation.  They get to the person's house 2 hours away only to find their SO's crap all over the place. UGH.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, cygnus887 said:

 I told him I wasn’t going to be treated as an option or live in the shadow of his ex, 

Sorry this happened to you. You did the right thing walking away. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, cygnus887 said:

but then why not reach out to me?

Because it's not you he misses most, unfortunately. His mind and heart are with his ex. 

8 hours ago, cygnus887 said:

At first I thought that was an unusual arrangement but still didn’t think much of it

In the future, you need to think a lot of it. You dismissed a very big red flag almost right away. Never get involved with a guy who is still living with his ex. No matter how much he claims to be over her, there is no room in his life for another woman when he is living with his former partner. 

8 hours ago, cygnus887 said:

why did he go through the trouble of doing all these sweet things, all the phone calls, intimate conversations, why do all that if he wasn’t willing to take it a step further?

Classic rebound behaviour. He came on strong trying to fill the void his ex left behind. 

I'm sorry. This man is nowhere near over her and shouldn't be dating at all yet. It is going to best to stop all communication and delete him from your social media. 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, cygnus887 said:

looking back I probably should’ve considered that a big red flag. 

Not just that Valentines day situation, but the whole "ex" situation in general. If she has moved to Florida for school, why would she need another appartment in his state? So it was obvious that they werent fully broken up at least and that he wasnt exactly truthful to you. But you had "rose colored glasses" we have at the start of the relationship. So we sometimes miss red flags with them even when red flags are obvious. 

As is said, it could have been prevented if you were closer in distance. As you would noticed it before. That is one big drawback about LDR. Even if it wasnt for ex, it could have been any number of stuff you could only notice by "in-person" dating. That is why LDR is mostly fantasy building. Its easy to be good when you exchange couple of messages per day. But when you hang out you will start to notice some stuff. Avoid that in future.

[Jibralta]

Oh, man. You really fell for it.

I'm so sorry. 

19 hours ago, cygnus887 said:

why did he go through the trouble of doing all these sweet things, all the phone calls, intimate conversations, why do all that if he wasn’t willing to take it a step further? We’re still friends on social media and there’s a few posts he’s made where it seems like he’s hinting at the fact that he’s upset or sad, but then why not reach out to me?

Let it go. 

That's my advice.

You'll never, ever understand why he behaves this way because you're not a bag of garbage like he is. 

So save yourself the time and chalk this up to a learning experience. 

You'll do better next time!

[HeartGoesOn]

Pay attention to any red flags from the very start, and understand that denial seems like a safe place, but it's only temporary.  

Sorry this happened...Lesson learned.

[smackie9]

ya I'm gonna say you did have fair warning there when he discussed his "living situation". You should have dropped him like a hot potato. He was purposeful to emotionally hook you in for those two months before you met, then to blow smoke up your butt was the icing on the cake. Classic rebound material. I get it tho, he had you, and in those moments you really wanted to believe him....most of us have been there. Ugh! what a tough lesson to learn. So sorry you are hurting bad. Keep busy, and try not to think about it anymore. Hope you feel better soon. 

[catfeeder]

On 4/15/2023 at 6:19 PM, cygnus887 said:

... we decided to meet in December for the first time in a town halfway between us, where ... he confessed that he was in a weird living situation with his ex.

And this is where I would have made my exit.

I won't date anyone who is newly broken up or worse, not even fully out yet. I ask the questions up front, during a first meet over coffee, to shake this kind of stuff out BEFORE involving myself. So in this case I'd say, "It was great meeting you, and I like you very much. If you ever find yourself free and clear of all business with your ex you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up."

[cygnus887]

Hello everyone, it’s been months since I posted this and happy to report I healed from the situation and was able to realize the part I played in it and how I should’ve been more careful. Still single but at least not involved with a toxic man anymore. Of course though, when you least expect it and more often than not these dudes always come back. This morning I received this text message from him after 6 months of no contact: 

“Hey.. just wanted to apologize for putting you through everything and not giving a reason with substance. I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect on all the wrong I’ve done and I thought of how I hurt you and I’m sure you’ve moved on from all of this but that doesn’t mean an apology isn’t warranted. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re living your best life. 
Much love 🫶🏻 always.”

I don’t intend on responding, there’s nothing left to say and I’m not interested. To me it just doesn’t sound completely genuine and more of an effort to ease his conscience about what happened, but still got a chuckle out of the fact that he reached out. Just posted it to hear your thoughts on what y’all thought about the apology. 

[boltnrun]

"Things are kind of shaky with my girlfriend right now, so I thought I'd contact you to see if you're still hung up on me so I can get some attention."

Or

"My girlfriend finally kicked me to the curb because I'm a two-timing jerk. I'm lonely and bored, so maybe you're interested in fluffing up my ego."

You're correct to ignore him. 

[Sindy_0311]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"Things are kind of shaky with my girlfriend right now, so I thought I'd contact you to see if you're still hung up on me so I can get some attention."

Or

"My girlfriend finally kicked me to the curb because I'm a two-timing jerk. I'm lonely and bored, so maybe you're interested in fluffing up my ego."

You're correct to ignore him. 

🤣

(sorry, couldn’t help it…)