It’s been almost three weeks and I’m still so hurt by this. (F33) I’ve fallen for someone who’s still involved with their ex girlfriend. This is a guy (M29) I matched with on Tinder back in October last year, he lives about two hours from my town, his profile said he was looking for a relationship. We hit it off right away and began texting every day, also talked on the phone and would FaceTime for hours on end - he was easy to talk to and we shared a lot of the same interests.
Some weeks went by and we decided to meet in December for the first time in a town halfway between us, where we spent the night together and just had an all around great time. During that night he confessed that he was in a weird living situation with his ex. She was moving out to FL for school at the beginning of this year, and they had already broken up but agreed for her to still live in the apartment they shared since her name was still on the lease, they also owned a dog together. At first I thought that was an unusual arrangement but still didn’t think much of it since he assured me they had certainly broken up and she’d be gone soon anyways.
The months passed and I felt we grew closer in various ways, we opened up about our pasts, our upbringings, we shared some pretty personal things with each other. Though long distance, he continued communication and pursuing me in ways that made me feel he wanted to develop something more serious. He would offer to send me meds if I wasn’t feeling well, would make sure I was having a good day, he even had flowers delivered to my place for Valentine’s Day along with a heartfelt note. Through this period of time though, he had told me his ex was planning on coming up from FL to get their dog from him and take him back with her, it’s like they had some weird custody situation with the dog, looking back I probably should’ve considered that a big red flag.
We made plans for me to come to his town and visit for an entire weekend at the end of March, he had been asking me for weeks and we were both ecstatic to finally see each other again.
The entire weekend was going great, he treated me with such care and affection, planned all these fun things for us to do. However right off the bat I noticed a few things around his place that made me uncomfortable. The ex’s college diploma was still hanging on the wall, there was a pair of women’s boots where he kept his shoes, some of her mail was still sitting on the counter, and just some decor around the house wasn’t something I felt a man would have. I didn’t mention anything to him about it.
The last night I was there he fell asleep while watching a movie, he had told me before that sometimes he talked in his sleep and as he mumbled something I asked him “what did you say?” and he responded but also called me by his ex’s name. I was hurt but remained calm and waited until he woke up to tell him what he’d done.
He immediately apologized and said he’d never do that on purpose to hurt me. I believed him but told him I felt that he wasn’t over his ex yet if he was mentioning her name in his sleep, his subconscious was clearly trying to tell him something. We had a conversation about it where I told him I wasn’t going to be treated as an option or live in the shadow of his ex, he then said he didn’t think of me as “an option” but our convo made him realize he had created a problem by involving me in a situation where I felt uncomfortable, that he thought things between them would be resolved by now, and he didn’t think he was going to meet a great person like me so soon after his relationship had ended, but that they still had a dog together and according to his ex “she wasn’t going anywhere”. I got emotional and began to cry. He even shed some tears too which I still don’t know if they were genuine or not. He went on to say that none of this was my fault and that it was all him, that he felt I was too good for him and if we stopped talking he knew he’d for sure lose me, that I would get a boyfriend soon enough and that it would upset him. I should’ve just left that night to go back home but instead I stayed the rest of the evening with him wanting to cherish whatever time we had left but feeling hurt and rejected.
The next morning I left and we said our goodbyes, asked me to text him when I got home safe which I did, but haven’t talked to him since. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do, think, or how to interpret this whole situation. I feel the rug just got swept off from under me. I know I deserve better than what he’s willing to give me right now, but then why did he go through the trouble of doing all these sweet things, all the phone calls, intimate conversations, why do all that if he wasn’t willing to take it a step further? We’re still friends on social media and there’s a few posts he’s made where it seems like he’s hinting at the fact that he’s upset or sad, but then why not reach out to me? Thank you to anyone if you’ve read this far, any input is appreciated.
