Friend's extreme fear of Covid has returned

[WorkSux56]

After three years of isolation, my friend had FINALLY started to live again. And sadly, it was short lived as she has regressed back into the early days of the pandemic. And surprisingly (or not surprisingly) it took very little for it to happen. She thinks we should all (once again) be at home, wearing masks, not taking any unnecessary risks, etc. even now, three years since it all started. A little background on us. We met 20 years ago, but we haven't known each other for 20 years, straight on through. Basically, we knew one another for a couple of years, drifted apart, lost touch, then reconnected in 2017. That year, we both lost our fathers, both of them dying unexpectedly. Her dad passed first, then mine a short time later. She took such good care of me during that time right after I lost my dad. I mean, she was still processing her own grief, but she put it second and focused on me. I've developed feelings for her since we reconnected. At times, we have been more than friends. The funny thing is, we are VERY different people. We aren't in agreement on a lot of things. We are of completely different ethnicities, which is fine, but, that also makes us very different, culturally. We've had our share of arguments. But, at the end of the day, we love and care for one another. She may not have exactly the same kinds of feelings I have for her, but if nothing else, she loves me as a person. We have even been mistaken for a married couple before. We say it's probably because of our "married couple quarrels" LOL. And...to that end...we've also made up like a married couple after arguments. 

From the beginning of the pandemic until just a month or two ago, she absolutely stopped living. She was isolated and paralyzed in fear. I know that she was adversely affected by the virus. She lost her mother to it in 2020 as well as some other relatives. Then in early 2023, she slowly began to emerge again. She had had a mild case of the virus a couple of years ago and she has since been vaccinated. She was ok with having visitors. She was venturing out again. We don't live particularly close by one another, so going a stretch without seeing each other in person is not unusual. However, with the initial time period of the onset of the virus where heavy restrictions were in place, not to mention, her having a tough time with it, plus us not living close to each other, we ended up going 3 years without seeing each other in person. But we kept in contact via technology. Text messaging, video chatting and what not. Seeing her in person again was beyond amazing. We even discussed how we might make a relationship work, should we decide to try it. 

But...then Covid got back into the picture somehow. She didn't contract it again or anything. But a relative did. It wasn't even a bad case or anything like that. But, it was enough to scare her right back into the old days. She messaged me asking if I was staying home, masking up, not taking any unnecessary risks, etc. At first, I almost sugar coated it and told her what she wanted to hear just to appease her in hopes that this would blow over soon. But, I decided to just shoot straight with her. I told her that no, I wasn't doing any of that and had no intentions of doing it. Her reply was "oh...and why not?". I explained that this wasn't 3 years ago and besides, I wasn't in a position to do any of that again anyways. She got a little upset and told me that this was very disappointing to hear. She has once again isolated herself and she's all over social media talking about masks and other things. She stopped talking to me for a little while, but then she reached back out. She said that she wasn't mad at me or anything. She told me " hey, I understand. You have to do you and I can't hold your circumstances against you. You resumed your life and stopping it and doing all that that entails again would be next to impossible. I ain't mad at ya. But do be mindful that Covid didn't just vanish". At any rate, I've come to the conclusion that us pursuing a relationship isn't feasible. I am not indifferent to how the virus has affected her. It's been hard, to say the least. But, I can't start and stop and start and stop every time something Covid related scares her. And as much as I hate to say it, I am afraid that that is how life with her would be. Am I being unreasonable? 

[Cherylyn]

First of all, it was for the best that you told her the truth regarding what your habits are when she asked you if you were staying home, masking up, not taking unnecessary risks, etc. 

Your conclusion was correct.  No sense pursuing a relationship if it isn't feasible.  It's right on the mark.  Yes, I agree, this is how she chooses to live her life and you all you can do is for her to live as she wishes.  No, you're not being unreasonable. 

She's not mad at you.  Both of you respectfully disagree and that's ok.  It's time to go your separate ways. 

My condolences for your loss. 

[boltnrun]

No, you are not being unreasonable.

I must tell you, though, that logic does not work to combat anxiety. I too had extreme Covid related anxiety and I too took a couple of years before I started feeling relatively comfortable being out among people. I still struggle with some fears. But I am dining out, seeing friends, shopping in person, going to events and going to family gatherings. 

Has your friend sought any kind of professional help for her extreme anxiety? I would never have made it out of my isolation if I hadn't sought and received regular professional help. I still see a psychologist once a month although I no longer see a psychiatrist and am off the anti anxiety medication I had been taking. I didn't want my fear and anxiety to be permanent which is why I sought help. Is she receiving any help?

You can be supportive without having to adhere to her extreme restrictions. But I can't see how a relationship would work. 

BTW, I have not yet attempted to date. I still have some fears.that I'm working on with my psychologist. Until I'm fully healthy I don't feel like I should try to date. 

[Seraphim]

Anxiety and phobias are not logical and you can’t logic them away. 
She needs a lot of mental health help to overcome this and many people need it . 
 

We take no precautions anymore. We have had it twice and vaccinated to the eyeballs. I will risk it.  I also own my own daycare so kids bring in all sorts of germs. Basically , we have to live our life. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

. She lost her mother to it in 2020 as well as some other relatives. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it seems like she may have some post traumatic stress from all the losses she endured. All you can do is be yourself and don't debate how much caution any one person feels comfortable with. 

[WorkSux56]

Thank you for the replies. @boltnrun I have suggested that she look into help and she has agreed. The funny thing is, it's usually her staying on me about doing things, (like exercising and eating better), but this time it'll be me staying on her about following through with this. I believe she can benefit greatly. I'll admit, I want her to snap out of this, so to speak, for my own selfish reasons. But, first and foremost, so that she can have some sort of mental peace and not get so scared every time she hears something about the virus. My take is that by virtue of being alive, we take a risk daily. Even if we decide that getting out of bed is way too risky and we just get back under the covers, we STILL run the risk of health issues stemming from inactivity. Muscle atrophy and what not. I am glad to hear that therapy has helped you. That's always good to hear and can serve as encouragement for my friend 

[WorkSux56]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Anxiety and phobias are not logical and you can’t logic them away. 
She needs a lot of mental health help to overcome this and many people need it . 
 

We take no precautions anymore. We have had it twice and vaccinated to the eyeballs. I will risk it.  I also own my own daycare so kids bring in all sorts of germs. Basically , we have to live our life. 

Same with me. I've gotten the virus plus been vaccinated with every booster. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can do. I swear, if I never hear the terms second wave, essential worker, follow the science, mask, stand six feet apart, etc, ever again, it'll still be way too soon 

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

Same with me. I've gotten the virus plus been vaccinated with every booster. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can do. I swear, if I never hear the terms second wave, essential worker, follow the science, mask, stand six feet apart, etc, ever again, it'll still be way too soon 

Yep, there are many words I never want to  hear again in my life. 

[boltnrun]

I have no issue with being cautious. I too have had it, and I too am as vaccinated and boosted as one can be. I still wear a mask when grocery shopping but that's because there's always some douche coughing, sneezing and wiping their nose in the store. I don't wear one anywhere else except the doctor and dentist where it's mandated. But I don't get super close to strangers if I can avoid it and I don't shake hands. 

With professional help I am now able to do most things I was too afraid to do before. I'm even going on a road trip in a couple of weeks and staying in a hotel. No way would I have gotten to this point without professional help.

I wouldn't push her too hard to seek help. What motivated me was the idea I could be anxious and fearful for the rest of my life. That possibility is intolerable, so I got help. Maybe tell her you hate to see her in distress and you would fully support her seeking help so she can be healthy and happy. 

[Cherylyn]

20 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yep, there are many words I never want to  hear again in my life. 

How about this word?  "Social distancing"  😋

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

How about this word?  "Social distancing"  😋

That can take a hike too. 

[Batya33]

I do wear masks in stores and at the doctor and where required. I would tell my friend you understand her restrictions and you simply can’t honor them so it’s best for now you don’t see each other in person indoors. And yes suggest she gets help. I’m sorry she’s struggling so much. 

[Starlight925]

I actually think this is less about Covid, masking, social distancing, and all the rest, and more about your friend living in a fear that has become the main focus of her life.

The U.S. has just declared it officially not an emergency anymore, but your friend is ramping up.  This is, I believe, a way to utilize the fear of this "thing" to distance oneself from life itself.  If tomorrow, it was written that Covid was completely eradicated from earth, I'd bet she'd continue to live in fear of the next thing.  

Your friend might suffer from agoraphobia, and this virus provided the buffer between herself and the rest of the world.  What's concerning to me is that she's using it to distance herself from you, a true friend and potential relationship.

This is less about masks, 6 feet, 10 vaccinations, etc, than it is about your friend needing to put physical barriers between herself and the rest of the world.

I'm dating myself, but there was a Golden Girls episode where Dorothy started delivering Meals on Wheels, and one of her delivery routes was to a healthy, able-bodied man who hadn't left his apartment in years.  The story of your friend reminds me of this, as she's putting these boundaries in place, even though most governments of the world have said it's safe.

The best thing you can do is either continue to be her friend from afar, or move on from this friendship.  But either way, you'll not solve this for her, I'm sorry to say.

[boltnrun]

My anxiety is absolutely tied to the pandemic. I had none of this fear and anxiety before Covid became a thing. I definitely wasn't using it as an excuse to avoid being around people. In fact I have always been a very social person who enjoys spending time with friends and traveling. 

And it doesn't really matter what the government or health experts say. Anxiety doesn't respond to logic but rather to intensive treatment. 

I hope she does decide to seek treatment. 

[Kwothe28]

I had general "luck" that my job during Covid was from home anyway. So it required very little mixing with people outside of buying supplies. Used mask but didnt used gloves or even that antiseptic for hands, I used soap. My father was way more careful with everything. Gloves, vitamins for immunity, stockpiling like he was in "Doomsday Prepers" and everything. Yet all it took was one mistake where he wanted to fix the gate with grandpa and neighbours. They spent maybe 15 minutes indoors. And yet 2 days later all 4 of them contracted Covid. Which means either dad or grandpa or neighbours already had it. Dad managed to pull through but grandpa due to age didnt. Even though we all thought he would pull through as he had better immunity then dad. One month before vaccine and grandpa would be amongst the first recipients and would probably be OK. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say, it wasnt a walk in the park. But now its ridiculous when Covid cases are at low and whole world got back to normal. I am still required to take a Covid test every time I have a temperature otherwise doctor wont admit me. But its a precaution. Same with your FWB (as I understanded you are more then just friends). She has irrational fear that stayed there. And when she finally started to go out of her comfort zone and go out from the bubble, all it took was one case to bring her back into bubble. Though I could argue that pursuing somebody that just talks about being with you for years without "pulling the plug" on a relationship is a lost cause, Covid fear or not.

Also, what does she do when she can isolate herself in that way? With no virus most jobs have come back to human contact so most people cant just isolate in any way even when they want it.

[catfeeder]

Your decision is reasonable. Trying to have a relationship with anyone who seeks isolation is a recipe for failure, and this was true even before Covid. There were recluses long before 2020, and anything can trigger it.

I'm not saying that Covid isn't a 'real' trigger, it's just that logical and practical arguments can't be used to combat anxiety--it needs to be treated.

If you had tried to date a woman who wouldn't leave her home without a mask prior to Covid, you'd be crystal clear that this wasn't going to work out. Well, today despite your healthy empathy, you're equally correct, and I'm sorry. 

[WorkSux56]

@Starlight925 you are correct. That's been a concern of mine for awhile. She seems to have no issue with putting up a barrier between us whenever she gets scared. She will say it's "because of the virus" but I really have to question that. I oftentimes wonder how we even got together to begin with seeing as how night and day different we are. To her credit, she is very accepting of differences and understands that people have different perspectives. That's hard to find these days. 

But the way she will pull away is troubling. We actually had a long talk last night and I just laid all the cards out on the table and told her that while I empathize with how COVID impacted her, her living (mentally) in the early days of the pandemic forever is hurting her more. I told her that COVID is simply here to stay and people will still get it, but it doesn't spell doom the way it once did. She even agreed. But I've noticed that she will post things from 3 years ago like how to make your own hand sanitizer and memes about how 2020 was such a wild year. That's just...odd to me. I even told her "it's like you're living in a perpetual 2020". I sort of wonder if after the insanity of that year, she is feeling bored now or something. That little bit of time that she started to live again was wonderful. I just hope and pray that she snaps back out of this and stays out. But, I'm not terribly optimistic at the moment 

[Andrina]

Aside from all the other advice, I'll give my two cents about you remaining in contact. Even if you're now just pen pals, the emotional involvement, in the past and wishful thinking if things were presently different and you could be romantically involved, is not conducive to a future romance with someone else.

I know if I started dating someone like you, and found out you were still in regular communication with a lady you wanted so much more from if she were on the same page, then I would walk away.

Some relationships work for a time, and then have an expiration date. In your shoes, I'd tell her that for your own good, so you can bond with a new love interest, you will be going no contact. It doesn't seem like she'll be all that bothered by the prospect, anyway.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, WorkSux56 said:

I just hope and pray that she snaps back out of this and stays out.

Anxiety doesn't work that way. As much as we'd like to we can't just "snap out of it".

She may in fact be longing for 2020. Back then no one was socializing. It felt "safer" because everyone was being told to stay home. Now everyone is moving about and the lack of safety regulations can be frightening. And that's why professional help is so vital.

Has she said she will get help? Or did she say she intends to live this way indefinitely?

[Starlight925]

So now it's up to you to decide what to do.

Stay in touch with this friend, and live a life of limbo, or cut ties and fully move on.

Because you're attracted to her, as @Andrina pointed out, it'll be hard to find anyone else to date, as a new person would likely walk away from your level of emotional connection.  I know I would.

And it doesn't appear that your friend is looking for help or guidance as to reducing her sensitivity on this subject, so you two are at an impasse.

I'd be giving different advice if you were already a couple, as this is something you'd help her work on, together.  But not only are you not a couple, she rarely sees you at all.

She is not looking for advice or help.  Your telling her about books, therapists, websites, to help with anxiety will go flat.  And as @boltnrun pointed out, anxiety isn't a switch that can go on or off.  Your friend isn't asking for, or apparently looking for, any type of help.

Look, I get it.  In the early days of Covid, I locked myself in my house, washed all my groceries, even picked them up with my trunk popped while I stayed in my locked car.  The fear was strong, and it's not wrong of her to still live with it, but it just doesn't work for you, and that part is ok.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't bother getting into arguments about Covid with her, OP. She is dealing with anxiety and fear on a level that logical arguments won't make a difference. The kind of help she needs is not going to come from anyone but a mental health professional. 

It is up to her to live her life as she chooses, just as it's up to you to live your life as you choose. I would not appreciate being questioned on my habits, so I would take space from her if she is giving you grief for going about your life your way. You can be friendly and talk about other things, but Covid is not something I would be willing to discuss with her any longer. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, WorkSux56 said:

I even told her "it's like you're living in a perpetual 2020". I sort of wonder if after the insanity of that year, she is feeling bored now or something.

Sounds like she's intimidated. There were no social pressures in 20 and 21 when those of us who could isolate knew we were in the good global company of no company.

Some people feel challenged now and long for those days, so they're still trying to talk everyone else back into sharing that collective cocoon. Your friend is e-socializing with like minded people. That feels validating and safe for her.

We can't force someone to want what they don't want. Pursuing help would mean doing the work of 'desensitizing' to the external world in order to rejoin it, and that's exactly what friend does NOT want to do at this time. 

You can't talk her into wanting the opposite of what she wants. No matter how 'right' you may be, it's not a license to get your way. Your job isn't to 'win' this contest, it's to figure out what you can productively do with the time YOU have been investing in this person that will not pay off.

Put your focus back on YOU, and find your own passions and interests and friends beyond this person. She's not your project.

[WorkSux56]

On 4/15/2023 at 9:03 AM, Andrina said:

Aside from all the other advice, I'll give my two cents about you remaining in contact. Even if you're now just pen pals, the emotional involvement, in the past and wishful thinking if things were presently different and you could be romantically involved, is not conducive to a future romance with someone else.

I know if I started dating someone like you, and found out you were still in regular communication with a lady you wanted so much more from if she were on the same page, then I would walk away.

Some relationships work for a time, and then have an expiration date. In your shoes, I'd tell her that for your own good, so you can bond with a new love interest, you will be going no contact. It doesn't seem like she'll be all that bothered by the prospect, anyway.

She’s definitely not hurt by the lack of me the way I am by the lack of her 

[WorkSux56]

On 4/15/2023 at 10:44 AM, MissCanuck said:

I wouldn't bother getting into arguments about Covid with her, OP. She is dealing with anxiety and fear on a level that logical arguments won't make a difference. The kind of help she needs is not going to come from anyone but a mental health professional. 

It is up to her to live her life as she chooses, just as it's up to you to live your life as you choose. I would not appreciate being questioned on my habits, so I would take space from her if she is giving you grief for going about your life your way. You can be friendly and talk about other things, but Covid is not something I would be willing to discuss with her any longer. 

You are correct. Covid is a subject that her and I are better served by avoiding altogether. She can’t help but ask me things like “but aren’t you concerned you’ll get it?” or “what if there is another pandemic soon? Will you take it more seriously than you did Covid?” Because in her estimation, I was a failure at taking Covid seriously. And I just do my best to shrug it off and say that I’ll cross such a bridge if or when it comes 

[Seraphim]

Okay, I am almost 57 years old and this is the only world pandemic I have lived through. My one set of grandparents lived through the last one. My grandmother was born in 1906. 117 years ago. These things are not very common and usually about every 5 generations or so. She needs to start examining science and history.