When your ex was extremely controlling and insecure, but now he seems to be doing well in his new relationship, what was the problem?

[Amaranthine]

Sometime ago, around 9 months ago, I left a relationship that was highly controlling. At the beginning he was fine but over time he started showing signs of being extremely insecure and paranoid. I thought it might have been our long distance status.

Just for some background info: I never went to clubs while being with him. I don't have male friends. My interaction with men is limited to work and my studies. I also never cheated on him during the two year long distance relationship. I kept in contact almost 24/7. I updated him with pictures every single hour to keep him at peace. I was there in his times of need and tried to be as reassuring as possible because I loved him. 

So he started feeling insecure about my social media. I had no problem putting it on private and filtering the people he disliked (which were almost all men, even ex classmates I haven't talked for long). He became extremely inflexible with his "standards". I accepted doing it. Then I also stopped posting pics of myself, not even a normal selfie where nothing was visible, because he would get mad and insecure. Then he made me erase old pictures that weren't even revealing (in one of them I was literally wearing a dress that went from the neck to my feet, but it was formfitting and he didn't like that I had wide hips and those were outlined). Then he started getting insane about things such as me forgetting to update him with pictures or the phone getting muted while I was on a call with him. Random accusations of cheating and hiding things started every single day, even when he couldn't find any proof, he'd say I erased proofs. I knew that we wouldn't be able to have peace for two days in a row. He would get moody if I went out with one of my female friends to the cinema and start lashing out at me that he doesn't feel loved. When I adapted and changed my clothing style he started getting mad at the bright colors of my clothes. Then he didn't want me to go to the gym or continue studying. Literally EVERYTHING made him insecure and no matter how many times I tried to make him understand that I would update him, that I loved him, etc, nothing made him feel at peace. Our relationship became hell: continuous accusations, paranoia, control, double standards (he couldn't apply the same standards to himself, because these were hellish), inflexible, judgemental, his way or the highway attitude. I tried so hard to work on it, but left when my mental health started declining. I developed migraines, hair loss and weight gain. All of this went away once I got out of the relationship. He actually harmed himself the first time I tried to break up and threatened suicide multiple times. 

However, after me, he got into a new relationship literally less than a month after. He was dating this new girl in only two weeks. He also did everything to rub her in my face, literally sending me messages saying that he doesn't have these issues with her and that there's respect between them and I am a resentful b****. He started saying he was going to focus on her because the new girl was committing a lot to him. Then, he tried to come back to me and restore our relationship while dating the new girl, saying that he still missed me and had a better connection to me than to her, but when I set an ultimatum that it was either me or her, he got mad at me (yes, he got mad at me for not wanting to be a second dish) and decided to try with her. 

Well, I don't exactly know how their relationship is going and I don't want that hell back in my life. Yet... My question is, how is that they've been 8 months together and I've been healing for 8 months, not even wanting to date a man after this trauma? I actually believe the fact their relationship doesn't have much conflict. But is it me who's doing something wrong for not being able to connect or date another man for all this period of time? Deep down, I kinda feel like a loser, and he ended up being the winner of all this situation. 

It's not like I don't have men interested in me, but I'm so so so guarded and unable to open up. Anyone shedding light on this situation? Is this girl much more patient than I was?

Pd: we are both 26, if that matters.

[boltnrun]

He's not "doing better". I'm sure your friends and family thought you two had a great relationship, right?

This is very disturbing:

25 minutes ago, Amaranthine said:

he tried to come back to me and restore our relationship... I set an ultimatum that it was either me or her,

Why...would you ever want to go back to that???

I strongly recommend that you consider therapy. That toxic, abusive relationship (yes, it was) has damaged you. It's nearly impossible to come out of something like that damage-free and your desire to go back to him proves that. Please consider working with a therapist to help you feel strong and healthy.

[Amaranthine]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He's not "doing better". I'm sure your friends and family thought you two had a great relationship, right?

This is very disturbing:

Why...would you ever want to go back to that???

I strongly recommend that you consider therapy. That toxic, abusive relationship (yes, it was) has damaged you. It's nearly impossible to come out of something like that damage-free and your desire to go back to him proves that. Please consider working with a therapist to help you feel strong and healthy.

First of all thank you for your reply.

To answer your question the problem is that I was feeling worthless and I was feeling guilty of what happened in our relationship and I was trying to fix it. He made it look I was giving up on him by leaving and I wanted to fix the relationship and set new boundaries so we didn't have the same problems we had before, but he wasn't interested in having a conversation about boundaries. He kept texting me that he missed me and he loved me even when he was dating the new girl and I stupidly thought that he actually did.

And even now when I compare how he behaved with me with his social media presence it makes me feel insane. What I know for sure is that he became an alcoholic after the breakup and he even admitted that to me and I saw it with my own eyes. He keeps drinking every single day. 

And even after the realization that the relationship was abusive I still drown in rumination every single day and I try to find the reasons to why our relationship didn't function. I have problems with insomnia and nightmares and some days I can't eat at all. 

[boltnrun]

Will you please consider looking into professional therapy? Your mindset is damaging your health and that's not good for you. 

There's no shame in seeking professional help. If you broke your leg or your appendix was about to rupture would you be too ashamed to see a doctor? Emotional health is just as important if not more so than physical health. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Amaranthine said:

He made it look I was giving up on him by leaving and I wanted to fix the relationship and set new boundaries so we didn't have the same problems we had before, but he wasn't interested in having a conversation about boundaries. He kept texting me that he missed me and he loved me even when he was dating the new girl and I stupidly thought that he actually did.

Yeah, I think you learned enough the first time, no? 😕 

No one 'changes' like that.

As for his new gf, who cares! 😉 .  You shouldn't.  ( is she closer to him than you were?  That might count), as for his attitude, yeah I'm sure he'll have a go at her in time, after the honeymoon phase is over!

And I agree fully, on considering some therapy ( look up trauma bonding).  I know he's messed you up some.  To even second guess another approach with someone so messed up is alarming.

Count your blessings!  Leave bad rubish BEHIND. Heal and move on.  Believe me he IS Toxic! ( remember what it was doing to you ....)

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Amaranthine said:

I actually believe the fact their relationship doesn't have much conflict.

Why do you believe that? 

He's a toxic person. I guarantee he brings that into every relationship, including theirs. That sort of abusive behaviour doesn't just stop. It requires long, intensive therapy. He hasn't done that. I promise you that they have problems too, probably the same as you did with him. 

But that isn't the point. The point is that your self-esteem has vanished. I would urge you to get some good counselling for yourself so you can work on restoring that and truly moving on from this. 

[Amaranthine]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you believe that? 

He's a toxic person. I guarantee he brings that into every relationship, including theirs. That sort of abusive behaviour doesn't just stop. It requires long, intensive therapy. He hasn't done that. I promise you that they have problems too, probably the same as you did with him. 

But that isn't the point. The point is that your self-esteem has vanished. I would urge you to get some good counselling for yourself so you can work on restoring that and truly moving on from this. 

I guess it's just what I see on social media. I don't have direct contact with him and can't know anything for sure. I just sometimes feel that maybe there is something inherently wrong in me that made him act that way. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Amaranthine said:

I guess it's just what I see on social media

And do you really think either of them would post about any abuse going on behind closed doors? OP, I am sure you realize social media is not a reflection of reality. And you need to stop looking at theirs. 

5 minutes ago, Amaranthine said:

I just sometimes feel that maybe there is something inherently wrong in me that made him act that way

Have you sought therapy? 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Amaranthine said:

Deep down, I kinda feel like a loser, and he ended up being the winner of all this situation. 

Why? Because he found somebody else who he wants to leave to be with you? Doesnt sound like a "winning" relationship. Even the whole concept of "winning" is kinda silly. You "win" for yourself by pursuing goals in life and achieving them. Somebody does it before, somebody does it later, there is no timetable on that. Its even worst when we look at the quality. Some of those couples on social media pretend to be happy. But in a reality its far from that. Constant fights, spoiled and naughty children etc. Its not a very good metric to look at your own life.

You were in a toxic relationship with a manipulative control freak. You should be celebrating that you got out of it. Delete him from all your social media and block him. That is the first step you should do. Second is to seek therapy. So you could move on properly and fix any damage this has done to you.

[poorlittlefish]

6 hours ago, Amaranthine said:

However, after me, he got into a new relationship literally less than a month after. He was dating this new girl in only two weeks. He also did everything to rub her in my face, literally sending me messages saying that he doesn't have these issues with her and that there's respect between them and I am a resentful b****.

My ex said he'd never had issues with any of his previous partners and made me feel like I was the problem.  However, after I met his mother she asked me how on earth I put up with his horrendous moodiness - and I knew he'd gaslighted me.

Of course he's not having issues with her, because they've known each other for all of five minutes and both parties are still on their best behaviour.  That won't last and eventually he'll be treating her the same way he treated you.  Be glad that you're out of it.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Amaranthine said:

. I have problems with insomnia and nightmares and some days I can't eat at all. 

Sorry this happened. How did you meet?  How long was the distance? 

Do you work? Go to school? Live at home? Why did you allow phone-tethering to this extent?

The first step is to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Since you are having multiple symptoms, please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

A therapist can help you unpack and sort out what happened. You can also explore and address the reasons you went down this dark path.

[Coily]

Letting these questions linger is still giving him indirect control over you. You need to find ways of extracting the last tentacles of his toxic grasp from your life, actively.

The only question worth really pondering is how did the outside world perceive your relationship at the time? Probably not how you experienced it? He’s crafting a narrative, and you paying attention to it is also giving him control.

 The elephant in the room is you’re judging men by his terrible example. Don’t throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water because a fly landed in the water. No need to rush yourself, but there are good guys out there who know how to behave, not this clown in man face. 
Time and a chance to recoup after that clown will hopefully give you a chance to see that.

[smackie9]

He's still the same guy, he's just on his best behavior in the beginning of any new relationship. The ugly will reveal itself once again. 

[Amaranthine]

5 hours ago, Coily said:

Letting these questions linger is still giving him indirect control over you. You need to find ways of extracting the last tentacles of his toxic grasp from your life, actively.

The only question worth really pondering is how did the outside world perceive your relationship at the time? Probably not how you experienced it? He’s crafting a narrative, and you paying attention to it is also giving him control.

 The elephant in the room is you’re judging men by his terrible example. Don’t throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water because a fly landed in the water. No need to rush yourself, but there are good guys out there who know how to behave, not this clown in man face. 
Time and a chance to recoup after that clown will hopefully give you a chance to see that.

I don't want to hurt or bother any men after what I experienced and that's why I didn't allow myself to date anyone. I'm still in a very damaged place where I fear connecting to another person or compromising or making sacrifices because I fear I'm going to be exploited and not valued, so I know that until that's not sorted out I can't actively date. I don't want to end up hurting myself or hurting another person.

[boltnrun]

You haven't responded to any of the suggestions regarding seeing your doctor and working with a therapist.

Are you opposed to therapy for some reason?

[Amaranthine]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You haven't responded to any of the suggestions regarding seeing your doctor and working with a therapist.

Are you opposed to therapy for some reason?

No, not at all, I have my first visit in some days, I didn't have a proper financial situation before to start it. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think this has been mentioned...Have you met in person?

[tattoobunnie]

15 hours ago, Amaranthine said:

At the beginning he was fine but over time he started showing signs of being extremely insecure and paranoid.

You just answered your own question.

Anyone can mask their insanity in the beginning to gain your trust.  Little by little, they dig their claws in deeper and deeper

[Seraphim]

SEEMS is the operative word. He isn’t any better . 

[boltnrun]

57 minutes ago, Amaranthine said:

No, not at all, I have my first visit in some days, I didn't have a proper financial situation before to start it. 

That's good.

Better Help offers online therapy and I believe they work with your finances so you get treatment you can afford. That could be an option if money is tight. 

[eastcoastgal]

I assure you he is not doing as well as he says he is, he is lying. Insecure people bring the same thing to every relationship. Trust me the reason he was so paranoid is because you INTIMIDATE HIM!! You are too good for him and he knows it. He went and found someone that he considers beneath him. You dodged a bullet move on and get the love you deserve from someone that adores you.