Amaranthine

No, not at all, I have my first visit in some days, I didn't have a proper financial situation before to start it.

I don't want to hurt or bother any men after what I experienced and that's why I didn't allow myself to date anyone. I'm still in a very damaged place where I fear connecting to another person or compromising or making sacrifices because I fear I'm going to be exploited and not valued, so I know that until that's not sorted out I can't actively date. I don't want to end up hurting myself or hurting another person.

I guess it's just what I see on social media. I don't have direct contact with him and can't know anything for sure. I just sometimes feel that maybe there is something inherently wrong in me that made him act that way.

First of all thank you for your reply. To answer your question the problem is that I was feeling worthless and I was feeling guilty of what happened in our relationship and I was trying to fix it. He made it look I was giving up on him by leaving and I wanted to fix the relationship and set new boundaries so we didn't have the same problems we had before, but he wasn't interested in having a conversation about boundaries. He kept texting me that he missed me and he loved me even when he was dating the new girl and I stupidly thought that he actually did. And even now when I compare how he behaved with me with his social media presence it makes me feel insane. What I know for sure is that he became an alcoholic after the breakup and he even admitted that to me and I saw it with my own eyes. He keeps drinking every single day. And even after the realization that the relationship was abusive I still drown in rumination every single day and I try to find the reasons to why our relationship didn't function. I have problems with insomnia and nightmares and some days I can't eat at all.

Sometime ago, around 9 months ago, I left a relationship that was highly controlling. At the beginning he was fine but over time he started showing signs of being extremely insecure and paranoid. I thought it might have been our long distance status. Just for some background info: I never went to clubs while being with him. I don't have male friends. My interaction with men is limited to work and my studies. I also never cheated on him during the two year long distance relationship. I kept in contact almost 24/7. I updated him with pictures every single hour to keep him at peace. I was there in his times of need and tried to be as reassuring as possible because I loved him. So he started feeling insecure about my social media. I had no problem putting it on private and filtering the people he disliked (which were almost all men, even ex classmates I haven't talked for long). He became extremely inflexible with his "standards". I accepted doing it. Then I also stopped posting pics of myself, not even a normal selfie where nothing was visible, because he would get mad and insecure. Then he made me erase old pictures that weren't even revealing (in one of them I was literally wearing a dress that went from the neck to my feet, but it was formfitting and he didn't like that I had wide hips and those were outlined). Then he started getting insane about things such as me forgetting to update him with pictures or the phone getting muted while I was on a call with him. Random accusations of cheating and hiding things started every single day, even when he couldn't find any proof, he'd say I erased proofs. I knew that we wouldn't be able to have peace for two days in a row. He would get moody if I went out with one of my female friends to the cinema and start lashing out at me that he doesn't feel loved. When I adapted and changed my clothing style he started getting mad at the bright colors of my clothes. Then he didn't want me to go to the gym or continue studying. Literally EVERYTHING made him insecure and no matter how many times I tried to make him understand that I would update him, that I loved him, etc, nothing made him feel at peace. Our relationship became hell: continuous accusations, paranoia, control, double standards (he couldn't apply the same standards to himself, because these were hellish), inflexible, judgemental, his way or the highway attitude. I tried so hard to work on it, but left when my mental health started declining. I developed migraines, hair loss and weight gain. All of this went away once I got out of the relationship. He actually harmed himself the first time I tried to break up and threatened suicide multiple times. However, after me, he got into a new relationship literally less than a month after. He was dating this new girl in only two weeks. He also did everything to rub her in my face, literally sending me messages saying that he doesn't have these issues with her and that there's respect between them and I am a resentful b****. He started saying he was going to focus on her because the new girl was committing a lot to him. Then, he tried to come back to me and restore our relationship while dating the new girl, saying that he still missed me and had a better connection to me than to her, but when I set an ultimatum that it was either me or her, he got mad at me (yes, he got mad at me for not wanting to be a second dish) and decided to try with her. Well, I don't exactly know how their relationship is going and I don't want that hell back in my life. Yet... My question is, how is that they've been 8 months together and I've been healing for 8 months, not even wanting to date a man after this trauma? I actually believe the fact their relationship doesn't have much conflict. But is it me who's doing something wrong for not being able to connect or date another man for all this period of time? Deep down, I kinda feel like a loser, and he ended up being the winner of all this situation. It's not like I don't have men interested in me, but I'm so so so guarded and unable to open up. Anyone shedding light on this situation? Is this girl much more patient than I was? Pd: we are both 26, if that matters.