Do I Give Him A "Second Chance"

[loveleaf]

So the background of my issue is I've been talking to a guy on a dating app for a bit but haven't met up with him yet (he won't be in my city for another week), but he has asked me out and we've been getting along great.

The issue I'm having is he messaged me last Saturday, I replied, and then I didn't hear from him. We followed each other on Instagram and I saw throughout this last week that he was active on there posting stories so I got curious if he was still following me because if not that made it pretty clear he was ghosting me in a sense. I saw he was still following me but got curious and started looking through who else he followed and clicked on a random profile of a woman, one or many he follows. Her first photo was her posing in a bikini posted 6 hours prior, and he had liked it. This woman was also almost a decade younger than him, but that's probably neither here nor there. So in all, it just kind of gave me the ick. Not that he's liking these pictures, that's whatever he's a single guy, but more so that it was like "you can do this but not message me back".

So this morning I sent him a message basically saying I wish him all the best, but I was going to move on because of the lack of communication. He responded very quickly, apologizing, said he was just really busy, and tried to pick the conversation back up.

Now I can appreciate being busy, however, that he couldn't send a quick message to me because he was so busy but could be on Instagram doing what he was doing just feels like a hollow excuse. And one I’ve heard so so many times before. So my question is, do I leave this and move on, or do I keep talking to him? Is this a red flag or am I jumping to conclusions? I’ve talked to my friends about it but would like some unbiased opinions.

[LootieTootie]

26 minutes ago, loveleaf said:

So the background of my issue is I've been talking to a guy on a dating app for a bit but haven't met up with him yet ....

Okay this stands out. How long is a bit? 

I would recommend that if you are someone looking for something serious, then you don't entertain people who are just farting around on dating apps. Go straight to a meetup and politely tell them you're not wanting a chat buddy or penpal. You will quickly weed out the people who are not serious and you can also prevent unwanted drama with someone you've never met.

Another question... how do you know he left you on read? Maybe he didn't get your last message? Technology is great but it has hiccups sometimes. So, to be fair, if you were waiting for him to reply to your last message and you waited a reasonable amount of hours/days for a response, then just send a "checkin in" text next time.

 

[loveleaf]

We started talking on Feb 2nd, and yes I agree ideally I don't like to talk on apps that long and would prefer to meet. In this situation, he lives across the country in another city and will be here in about a week for a month and a half to see if he wants to move here. So I can't meet him yet.

In terms of how I know he got my last message, the dating app I'm on tells you if the message didn't go through, and in his response to me this morning he acknowledged he saw it and was going to get back to me. And I also don't believe that when you're regularly talking to someone on a dating app, you suddenly just don't check your messages with them for a week.

I don't know; ghosting is such a regular occurrence I've faced, people flaking on me, it's just the automatic place my mind goes so if that's what they're doing why would I chase after them?  

 

[Andrina]

45 minutes ago, loveleaf said:

he lives across the country in another city and will be here in about a week for a month and a half to see if he wants to move here. So I can't meet him yet.

I did OLD for several years, years ago, and learned the modus operandi of scammers. Beware the guys who say they will or may be moving to your city soon. Once the time nears when they were supposed to be visiting, they all of a sudden bring up some sort of story of why the date will have to be delayed. If you choose to entertain the idea of dating someone moving from elsewhere, tell a person that once they're established in your city, he's free to contact you. Otherwise, you'd prefer not to communicate until that happens. If they don't like those rules, oh well. You have to date wisely.

When something doesn't make sense, be suspicious. I know if I were only thinking of moving to a place, I wouldn't begin chatting with men in the other city. Even if I was definitely moving there, I'd be busy with packing up, tying up loose ends, and would have a lot to do to settle in my new location before even thinking of dating.

Dating is a numbers game. I stuck to dating men within about a 45 minute drive from my home. Even when I put that on my profile, believe me, I had men that didn't fit that must-have try to convince me otherwise. The few times I gave in to men who lived an hour and 15 minutes away, were immediate disasters. I never did give in to guys of other states. LDRs have way too many cons.

Set up some stronger standards and rules of who you'll chat with. After a learning curve, that served me well.

I'd block this guy. He's a waste of time.

[Lambert]

I probably would move on.  For several reasons--

1. He is not from your town.  I agree with @Andrina It could be a scam.  If he does move to your town, what if you help him a ton-- tour guide, introductions, helping out in a variety of ways.  And then he turns arounds and says, hey thanks you're great but I am new here.  I want to date around and see what everything is about.  How will you feel then? 

2.  He did not reach out to you to say he was sorry he has not written you because he was busy.  You asked him.  I don't mean to make you feel worse but what's he going to say? "o yeah, I am ghosting you."

3. Your gut is right-- there's no reason a person would not text you back, if they were really interested.  He'll keep you around-- especially, moving to your town is true, but you are not a priority.

I really wish more people doing on line dating would focus on one thing-- until you meet in person and start spending, real time together in real life, you have no idea who are dealing with.  

You are seeing what this guy has to offer-- spotty at best.  If you give him another chance, it's just more time to string you along and disappoint you again.  

Always remember-- Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool be twice, shame on me. 

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, loveleaf said:

he lives across the country in another city

Eh, I wouldn't bother trying to connect with men who aren't already established in your area. This guy is too far away and there is no definite plan that he is relocating to your city, so this sounds like a waste of your time. 

7 hours ago, loveleaf said:

in his response to me this morning he acknowledged he saw it and was going to get back to me.

Again, don't bother with men you need to prompt to communicate with you. Interested men act interested. That's all there is to it. 

[Kwothe28]

So basically he liked some woman bikini photo, you got "hissy" about it because he hasnt messaged you but liked the photo and canceled the whole thing out? That is OK, you probably dodged a bullet as he is most probably just thinking with his "little thing" and just wanted casual. You involved your ego there a bit(he is allowed to like some woman bikini photo, you two havent even met) but his actions are mostly telling you he just wanted to see you casually anyway. Date locally and dont fall for LDR. LDRs are Hell and mostly based on a fantasy as you dont know the other person due to not really spending time with them.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, loveleaf said:

, he lives across the country in another city and will be here in about a week for a month and a half to see if he wants to move here. 

Sorry this is happening. How did it come about that someone from across the country started communicating on a dating app?

It may be best to cut your losses before getting more involved with someone you've never met. There's not much potential for a relationship and you certainly don't want to be a free bed and break with benefits while he visits your area. 

[poorlittlefish]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

So basically he liked some woman bikini photo, you got "hissy" about it because he hasnt messaged you but liked the photo and canceled the whole thing out? That is OK, you probably dodged a bullet as he is most probably just thinking with his "little thing" and just wanted casual. You involved your ego there a bit(he is allowed to like some woman bikini photo, you two havent even met) but his actions are mostly telling you he just wanted to see you casually anyway. Date locally and dont fall for LDR. LDRs are Hell and mostly based on a fantasy as you dont know the other person due to not really spending time with them.

I think the OP might have been miffed regardless of whose photos he was scrolling through, because he knowingly hadn't replied to her and claimed to be busy, yet had time for Instagram. In her mind, the frequency of communication between them has set up a level of expectation, when in reality neither owes the other anything.

OP, this is a guy who spends time liking photos of bikini-clad women on Instagram. Are you happy with that? If not, that's OK. I feel you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It's likely you're not the only woman he's chatting with and if you enter into a LDR he will still be liking bikini photos. Once they've started slowing communication and waiting for you to initiate, it's not a good sign.

[Kwothe28]

43 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

I think the OP might have been miffed regardless of whose photos he was scrolling through, because he knowingly hadn't replied to her and claimed to be busy, yet had time for Instagram. In her mind, the frequency of communication between them has set up a level of expectation, when in reality neither owes the other anything.

 

I am not saying she doesnt have a basis to broke up communication because she absolutely does after he showed her that he just isnt really there. Just that its no coincidence she snooped  through his Instagram and focused on bikini photo of another woman. Shows her own lack of security and how her own ego is hurt. When there is no need to be, she didnt even met the man. If he doesnt respond to her that by alone is basis to know where she stands.

[Sindy_0311]

13 hours ago, loveleaf said:

 

The issue I'm having is he messaged me last Saturday, I replied, and then I didn't hear from him. 

Can I ask you what your last text was? Was it a question? 
if not I don’t see anything wrong with him not showing up. You never met, so it totally fine to have some days between conversations on dating apps. 
Where I see a big red flag is in the ‘I might move to your city’ thing… he doesn’t live here but is already trying to find some girls to hang out with, make no sense to me if he is looking for something serious. 

[Cherylyn]

He's too busy to message you and he's not nearby plus he has a roving or wandering eye!  ☹️

No second chances!

Date a local guy who is normal and of solid character.

[Jaunty]

On 2/19/2023 at 1:53 PM, loveleaf said:

Not that he's liking these pictures, that's whatever he's a single guy, but more so that it was like "you can do this but not message me back".

Him looking at pictures and liking them on his social media is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.  

 

On 2/19/2023 at 1:53 PM, loveleaf said:

 

Now I can appreciate being busy, however, that he couldn't send a quick message to me because he was so busy but could be on Instagram doing what he was doing just feels like a hollow excuse 

"doing what he was doing " ... stop pretending that you are not stalking him specifically to "catch" him looking at other women okay?   It's inappropriate and weird.

That said, he's not very interested in you.  His time constraints and / or his passtime of looking at women's pictures and liking them doesn't have anything to do with it.  Simply, if he were very interested, he would not leave you hanging for over a week.  So, no.  Don't bother with this guy any further.  Good thing you didn't take the time to meet.

Next! 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't bother with whoever is behind the screen name.

That's all anyone is unless and until they live near enough to you to meet you locally for a cup and some conversation. Otherwise, they're just playing on your tendency toward fantasy-building, and they're a waste of your time and energy at best, or worse, you could be setting yourself up as a mark.

With millions of people in the world, why not just use the app to screen local people carefully to match your purpose in dating and MEET them to check one another out?

Skip 'e-bonding' and you will thank yourself.

[Cherylyn]

He sounds shady.  He has a side to him which is immoral with leering at bikini clad women.  Eww. 

Yes, leave this and continue moving on.  No, don't talk to him. 

Yes, he's a red flag. 

Always listen to your gut because it's always right.  Your intuition about a person is there for a reason.  It's telling you to beware because something about him is alarming and lacks integrity.

[JTCW]

Honestly, you haven't even met the guy and you're already checking out who he is following and getting insecure over a bikini girl. You don't even know them both. You don't know who she even is to him.

[smackie9]

You only been chatting...this guy doesn't owe you anything. Scanning his activities and scrutinizing them is red flagging yourself. Things would be easier if you sit back, talk to other potential men, and not invest yourself until you start dating one of them. This guy is only an option to you at this point in time. 

[Cherylyn]

I don't trust men with a roving and wandering eye. 

I trust a man who has a good heart and the type of man who is honorable even when I'm not looking over his shoulder. 

It's not a matter of your being insecure.  You're either with a moral man or he's subpar.  Take your pick.   Either choose a great man or settle for mediocrity.  The choice is yours.  If you can afford to be very picky and choosy, do it. 

Character is everything because it's the only thing that endures. 

[Coily]

For all you know the "bikini babe" is his daughter, niece or sister, or some friend who he has helped in her weight loss. If I got falsely accused of cheating or having a roving eye for every time I liked a post from a dear friend of mine (She has been a professional model), then I would be the worst offender of all times. To make assumption of this level of potential infidelity (for a maybe relationship) is not a reflection of his character at all.

 

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I trust a man who has a good heart and the type of man who is honorable even when I'm not looking over his shoulder. 

And that is exepcted in any relationship, I would say. 

However, these two have never met. It's not as though he is behaving disloyally. He doesn't have a wandering or roving eye when there is no relationship to wander from.

[boltnrun]

Eliminating a man from consideration just because he "liked" a bikini pic is a bit premature if you haven't even met in person yet. Also classifying all men who have ever "liked" a pic of a female in abbreviated clothing as "immoral" or "shady" is a stretch IMO. Of course, everyone has their standards. If yours is "refuse all men who have ever 'liked' a bikini pic on social media" of course that is your right. 

Let me ask, if he had responded to your message would you have perused his social media history this closely? 

[Cherylyn]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And that is exepected in any relationship, I would say. 

However, these two have never met. It's not as though he is behaving disloyally. He doesn't have a wandering or roving eye when there is no relationship to wander from.

Whether a man is in a relationship or not, I don't respect men who leer or ogle women.  Something about them lacks integrity.  I prefer to move onto the next man who better fits my criteria.  Shop around.

[boltnrun]

I've "liked" Instagram posts of athletes who are working out wearing a tank top and shorts. Or even shirtless as of course one gets very hot and sweaty while working out. I attended football training camp as a spectator/fan and many of the players were shirtless. I cheered them which I guess is an in person equivalent to a "like".  I'm not ogling or leering. I also don't consider myself "immoral" for liking those posts or cheering those athletes. I admire their athletic physiques and their fitness levels. I surely am not at that level of fitness. I would be amused if a man accused me of being "immoral" because of that. 

However, if you feel this man did something "wrong" by spending a few seconds "liking" a woman's bikini pic instead of responding to your message you are absolutely within your rights to choose not to date him or to no longer communicate with him. No one HAS to date anyone they don't feel is the right person for them. 

[Cherylyn]

It really depends if certain men are good enough for you.  I'm never the one who settles for anyone who is just OK.  I want more in a man.  I want standards which match my own.  

I say this because I've had my fill of all sorts of men due to observation from my late father, my late father's male friends,  colleagues during my night shift years,  day shift,  some brothers-in-law,  my cousin's husband, some members of society and it runs the gamut.   Sure, some of them will fall into the OK category but I always strive for the best in a man.  Why?  Because if I'm going to be in a relationship with him or marriage, it has to be enduring without compromising what I value long term.  This is just me though. 

If other people do what they do, by all means have them do it.  I'm sure they're nice people if I were to superficially encounter them in public.  However, would I want a relationship or marriage with them?  Highly unlikely.

[catfeeder]

It's not about the picture. This is a total stranger who isn't even dating material because of geography and he isn't even responding as you would like.

So just skip him and schedule some quick coffee meets with viable prospects.

Your only attachment to this screen name is imaginary. Let go, and start valuing your time.