Am I doing something wrong?

[JandJMom]

I just want to know if I'm doing something wrong here?  I feel like I'm trying so hard to make everyone happy but maybe I'm not doing enough.  Maybe I should just end things now before I get hurt, or before I hurt him.

I finally met and started dating a guy that has his stuff together, very sweet, everything that I ever wanted, for the most part.  When we're together, honestly, everything is perfect.  But I'm still trying to figure out if I'm balancing everything out the right way.  My kids go to their dad's house Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend.  I don't stay the night at his house on the weeknights (even though I know that he wants to) because I feel like I should be there in the mornings with the kids.  But I will spend the night there on nights where stay with their dads, which is every other weekend.  I do usually have to work those weekends though, especially now with the holidays.  But I felt like we'd actually been seeing eachother a decent amount lately.  He's met the kids, so we'll go to dinner with the kids or just do something with them.  I'll ask him to go shopping or something with me sometimes.  But usually at least 2 times a week, we'll see eachother.  I try to give the kids their time with me, too, though, just because I feel like they deserve that too (they're 8 and 16).  He's always said that he understands and that the kids come first.  

Anyways, last night is Thursday, and since we usually see eachother on Thursdays, I didn't really think anything of it.  I asked if he felt like going to Home Depot tonight.  I assumed I was going over there, so I was more of asking if he felt like leaving the house last night.  And he said that he couldn't because he had to go to a friends house and help move furniture.  And honestly, I was dissappointed.  So I said, "Awww.  It's ok, I should have made sure that you were free earlier for me to come over".  And then he said well maybe I could come over afterward and I said that it was ok.  That it might be late anyway.  And then I told him to have fun moving furniture, and laughed.  And then he literally replied with "Okey dokey, I tried 🤷‍♂️"  and I don't know, it kind of hurt my feelings and then made me feel like he didn't really care.  So I told him that I knew it was just a text, but that we usually spent Tuesdays and Thursdays together, so I was a little caught off guard that he had made plans.  I also said that it didn't seemed like he cared if I came over or not.  And honestly, I feel like he wouldn't have even said anything if I hadn't asked about going to the store.  I told him that it wasn't a big deal, but that I was just looking forward to seeing him last night.  Then he came back with that I never said anything coming over that day and he didn't know why I was making a big deal about him making plans when he never says anything about when I go out with my friends or to see my brother.  I've gone out with my friends once on a Tuesday and it was like 2 weeks ago.  I haven't even hung out with them since I started seeing him, because I wanted to see him.  And my brother, we went this weekend.  This wasnt even one of my weekends that I would have been with him.  😔  I answered him that he was right and that it was my fault for making assumptions about last night.  Then, I didn't hear from him the rest of the night until I told him that I hoped he had a good night.  He told me goodnight.  I texted him good morning this morning and he texted good morning and that's all that I've heard from him today.

So, long story short, I feel like he's telling me that he's not ok with how we've been seeing eachother.  I honestly think that I could love him and when we're together, it really feels good to be with him.  But, maybe he's not happy with how things are going.  But is there a way that I can fix it?  Am I spending too much time with my kids?  Or working?  Not enough with him?  Or should I just end it because he's not happy because I shouldn't sacrifice time with my kids.  I want to be happy.  I honestly would like to be happy with him.  Am I not sacrificing enough to spend time with him.  

[Andrina]

That was a huge mistake to introduce your kids to a man you've only just begun dating. Not wise to do that until there is confidence it will be longterm, which usually takes at least 10-12 months. Kids don't need to get attached to people who will quickly exit their lives.

As for your question, each couple is different of how much time they want to spend together, and they should be compatible in that area. 

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

Am I spending too much time with my kids?  Or working? 

Are you serious with these questions? Your kids didn't ask to be born, so you don't neglect time with them to appease a bf, and you have to work to make a living. Doesn't sound like you overdo it with 80 hour work weeks or anything.

Twice a week seems normal to me in the beginning stages. Of course, getting a babysitter or having your older child babysit the younger two to four times a year, as an example, is not neglectful. Married couples do have date nights and get babysitters.

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

He's always said that he understands and that the kids come first.  

Take what he said at face value then. You learned it was a mistake to make assumptions about having dates set in stone for Tues. and Thursday. From now on, ask to get together and don't assume.

I can see how he was irritated with the texts you sent him. You'll have to now see if you two can get back on track. If he begins to complain about the dating schedule, then you'll have to find someone more compatible.

[Batya33]

Agree with Andrina.  Also your Tuesday Thursday is a priority for you because of the kids arrangement.  It’s not a priority for him as much. He’s not your fiancée or spouse and your kids are not his responsibility so it’s not on his mind as much.  And it’s not a typical date night. So just ask whether you should assume Tuesday Thursday as get together nights or not.  If not keep things tentative and make other plans of plans come up and you wish to.  

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

Am I spending too much time with my kids?

I'm as flabbergasted as @Andrinathat you would even ask or consider this as a way to try to hold onto a man.

You seen frantic, anxious and fearful of "losing" this man and your fears are coming through to him loud and clear. 

I would step back, relax and see what happens over the next few days. If he ends the relationship over this, it didn't have that strong of a foundation to begin with.

The right man will blend into your family relatively smoothly. But don't be so anxious to get a man that you put your kids and job on the back burner.  And don't rush. Take at least a good year of being in an exclusive relationship before having a man spend time around your kids.

[JandJMom]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm as flabbergasted as @Andrinathat you would even ask or consider this as a way to try to hold onto a man.

You seen frantic, anxious and fearful of "losing" this man and your fears are coming through to him loud and clear. 

I would step back, relax and see what happens over the next few days. If he ends the relationship over this, it didn't have that strong of a foundation to begin with.

The right man will blend into your family relatively smoothly. But don't be so anxious to get a man that you put your kids and job on the back burner.  And don't rush. Take at least a good year of being in an exclusive relationship before having a man spend time around your kids.

So, when I asked that question, it was more of a sarcastic comment.  I know that my kids come first and I'm super close to my kids.  I think I'm just trying to figure out how to do it all, you know?

I don't think that I know how to be a good parent and girlfriend at the same time?  And I always feel like I'm neglecting someone.  I feel bad leaving my kids the 2 nights that I do.  I'm used to seeing them everyday, now it barely feels like I see them half of the week.  Maybe it's my feelings that are just messing everything up.  

My kids always come first.  Even last night, he didn't say anything about me spending time with the kids.  I just want to know how to make time for all 😩

[boltnrun]

Wait, you leave your kids overnight to spend the night with this guy?

Let's just say that's not something I would ever consider doing. What if there was an emergency? The 16 year old would have to handle it?

The right man would want you to prioritize your kids. If this guy expects you to leave your kids alone overnight I'd say it's time to toss that one back. 

Going on regular dates when your kids are with their father is plenty, IMO. You can also do overnights on those days. That's what I did when I was a dating single mother. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, JandJMom said:

Then he came back with that I never said anything coming over that day and he didn't know why I was making a big deal about him making plans

I don't see the big problem, and apparently neither does BF.

You've come to take Tuesdays and Thursdays for granted, and you've learned why not to do that. Check in and make plans ahead, instead.

So beyond that, what is the issue that's disturbing you?

[sweetlady]

4 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I just want to know if I'm doing something wrong here?  I feel like I'm trying so hard to make everyone happy but maybe I'm not doing enough.  Maybe I should just end things now before I get hurt, or before I hurt him.

I finally met and started dating a guy that has his stuff together, very sweet, everything that I ever wanted, for the most part.  When we're together, honestly, everything is perfect.  But I'm still trying to figure out if I'm balancing everything out the right way.  My kids go to their dad's house Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend.  I don't stay the night at his house on the weeknights (even though I know that he wants to) because I feel like I should be there in the mornings with the kids.  But I will spend the night there on nights where stay with their dads, which is every other weekend.  I do usually have to work those weekends though, especially now with the holidays.  But I felt like we'd actually been seeing eachother a decent amount lately.  He's met the kids, so we'll go to dinner with the kids or just do something with them.  I'll ask him to go shopping or something with me sometimes.  But usually at least 2 times a week, we'll see eachother.  I try to give the kids their time with me, too, though, just because I feel like they deserve that too (they're 8 and 16).  He's always said that he understands and that the kids come first.  

Anyways, last night is Thursday, and since we usually see eachother on Thursdays, I didn't really think anything of it.  I asked if he felt like going to Home Depot tonight.  I assumed I was going over there, so I was more of asking if he felt like leaving the house last night.  And he said that he couldn't because he had to go to a friends house and help move furniture.  And honestly, I was dissappointed.  So I said, "Awww.  It's ok, I should have made sure that you were free earlier for me to come over".  And then he said well maybe I could come over afterward and I said that it was ok.  That it might be late anyway.  And then I told him to have fun moving furniture, and laughed.  And then he literally replied with "Okey dokey, I tried 🤷‍♂️"  and I don't know, it kind of hurt my feelings and then made me feel like he didn't really care.  So I told him that I knew it was just a text, but that we usually spent Tuesdays and Thursdays together, so I was a little caught off guard that he had made plans.  I also said that it didn't seemed like he cared if I came over or not.  And honestly, I feel like he wouldn't have even said anything if I hadn't asked about going to the store.  I told him that it wasn't a big deal, but that I was just looking forward to seeing him last night.  Then he came back with that I never said anything coming over that day and he didn't know why I was making a big deal about him making plans when he never says anything about when I go out with my friends or to see my brother.  I've gone out with my friends once on a Tuesday and it was like 2 weeks ago.  I haven't even hung out with them since I started seeing him, because I wanted to see him.  And my brother, we went this weekend.  This wasnt even one of my weekends that I would have been with him.  😔  I answered him that he was right and that it was my fault for making assumptions about last night.  Then, I didn't hear from him the rest of the night until I told him that I hoped he had a good night.  He told me goodnight.  I texted him good morning this morning and he texted good morning and that's all that I've heard from him today.

So, long story short, I feel like he's telling me that he's not ok with how we've been seeing eachother.  I honestly think that I could love him and when we're together, it really feels good to be with him.  But, maybe he's not happy with how things are going.  But is there a way that I can fix it?  Am I spending too much time with my kids?  Or working?  Not enough with him?  Or should I just end it because he's not happy because I shouldn't sacrifice time with my kids.  I want to be happy.  I honestly would like to be happy with him.  Am I not sacrificing enough to spend time with him.  

Honestly think you need to back off a bit now. In the week Tuesday and Thursday let him contact you if he wants to meet you focus on kids. Or using that for you time.

When you was disappointed you expected him to be available to you those days and it's upset you. 

I cannot say if you done anything wrong but seems like it's fizzling out between you.

Let him message you too. Because if it's only one sided what is the point.

Maybe you both need a talk now.

 

[Jaunty]

You've expressed anxiety and exasperation with trying to "make time for all."  The man probably doesn't enjoy that aspect of dating you.   If he doesn't have kids he probably would enjoy the ability to be more spontaneous and the ability to do things besides going to Home Depot or stuff with your kids.  

But he likes you, so he's there for it.

If it is starting to seem like too much of a burdensome juggling act for you, though, it will probably become unsustainable.   

Of course your kids come first and it's possible that you won't be able to build a solid new relationship until the youngest gets a bit older.  

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, JandJMom said:

   Am I spending too much time with my kids?   

The minute you think this because a new BF is pressuring you to sleep over is the minute you end it. 

Try not to fix things. Dating is to see if you are a good fit and this man doesn't seem to be.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You've expressed anxiety and exasperation with trying to "make time for all."  The man probably doesn't enjoy that aspect of dating you.   If he doesn't have kids he probably would enjoy the ability to be more spontaneous and the ability to do things besides going to Home Depot or stuff with your kids.  

I found this precise issue when I was dating and had an intense, time consuming and wildly unpredictable career and no child.  I was very social and loved planning all sorts of activities and often if those activities were during the week -especially then -I had to keep it tentative and it was down to the last minute often because of a work emergency or a request that I work that night, etc.  Some men were not up for that, some thought they were and  then weren't when it actually happened and I had to cancel a tentative plan.  Those men who were valued my career/work ethic/ambition/passion and/or had the same sort of schedule.

Then when I had my son I experienced similar issues with friend -whether they had kids or not -not wanting to put in the effort to accommodate my schedule and/or pressuring me to get a sitter, etc when I didn't want to/ feel comfortable doing so. On the flip side I accommodated many people -dates, relationships, friends -who had kids, cared for aging parents, had pets-related responsibilities, etc. 

I did avoid dating single dads but not because of time commitments -because I preferred to get serious with someone who would start a family with me and because I was uncomfortable with the dynamic of interacting with children -especially were there to be a sleep over (never happened).

For you OP I recommend finding a man who "gets" the situation you're in as far as being a parent first and foremost, prioritizing being with your children, not prioritizing integrating a new man into interacting with your children and really is ready to make the sacrifices. I suspect with a single mom that's more common with a single dad (yes I think a woman is typically more accommodating of a man's schedule especially if the man has a more intense career -that's kind of common -so accommodating time schedule for kids might seem more typical for a woman).  

[Jibralta]

17 hours ago, JandJMom said:

Anyways, last night is Thursday, and since we usually see eachother on Thursdays, I didn't really think anything of it.  I asked if he felt like going to Home Depot tonight.  I assumed I was going over there, so I was more of asking if he felt like leaving the house last night.  And he said that he couldn't because he had to go to a friends house and help move furniture.  And honestly, I was dissappointed.  So I said, "Awww.  It's ok, I should have made sure that you were free earlier for me to come over".  And then he said well maybe I could come over afterward and I said that it was ok.  That it might be late anyway.  And then I told him to have fun moving furniture, and laughed.  And then he literally replied with "Okey dokey, I tried 🤷‍♂️"  and I don't know, it kind of hurt my feelings and then made me feel like he didn't really care.  So I told him that I knew it was just a text, but that we usually spent Tuesdays and Thursdays together, so I was a little caught off guard that he had made plans.  I also said that it didn't seemed like he cared if I came over or not.  And honestly, I feel like he wouldn't have even said anything if I hadn't asked about going to the store.  I told him that it wasn't a big deal, but that I was just looking forward to seeing him last night.  Then he came back with that I never said anything coming over that day and he didn't know why I was making a big deal about him making plans when he never says anything about when I go out with my friends or to see my brother.

I get where you're coming from. For me, if Thursdays became a regular unspoken 'date,' I would have expected him to tell me on Wednesday (or latest Thursday morning) that he wasn't going to make it that night. It's not a good sign that he waited until you asked him. And it's even worse that he played stupid and started jerking you around about seeing your brother on a day that you don't normally see him (your boyfriend). 

At the end of my dating days (and let me emphasize THE END of my dating days) I learned to sniff this stuff out early and cut it off before it even began--first date. Sometimes even first phone call. Those little tiny red flags are real.

I think you're right. And I think you need to stand up for what you want. That doesn't mean you have to win this argument with him. It means let him win it. You walk away. You re-single yourself to find the guy who sees eye to eye with you. The guy who doesn't use this opportunity to deflect and give you a big bag of sht about unrelated crap. It means yes, time to end things peaceably, back away gracefully before this turns into one of those 'ugly' relationships. Hold out for what you want. It's out there. Don't give up.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but I think you are making a big deal out of nothing here. He made plans to help his friend  with furniture one night and still will probably see you during the week, if tha kind of behavior doesnt repeat, dont think its a reason to worry that much. 

You are needy. To the point you are overreacting about small things like this and you are putting a priority on a man you just met and expect him to do the same. Which is a mistake. I do understand that you want to spend more time with that man. But with that kind of behavior you will only chase him away. 

Relax more. And try to understand he would not leave just because you havent made time for him that much(to the point you even let your kids sleep alone) or just because he had previous plans once. And even if he does go away because of that stuff, that means he isnt the right man for you.

[smackie9]

You are being way too sensitive. You have a priority with your kids and he understands that, he has worked around it. BUT he should be allowed to have some priorities of his own, like helping a friend that's probably moving because it's the first of the month. Not him picking that day in particular to not see you, but it just turned out his friend needed help on that day. It is what it is. As for him asking to stay during a week night, he just asked to consider, but you told him (I hope you did) as to why this isn't possible at this time. He's moved on from that knowing things will change at a later time. He may stick this arrangement out, he may not, but that isn't your worry. You are just dating and your kids are your priority. BFs will come and go. If he doesn't hold up to it, then this isn't for him, and there is nothing you can do about that. Relax and take one day at a time.

[SooSad33]

Yes, it could possibly be that there's too much stress in all of this... basically only being available a cpl times thru the week. But, you do see him alternate weekends?  Then you do have some time together... I wonder if thru the week is no good for him.  So, maybe dont expect that much.  Maybe once in a while and you have the alternate wknds?

Your devotion to your kids ( and self) is never wrong.  Try not to lose yourself in a relationship.

If he's not happy in all of this, then you just let him go. Communication is important.. so maybe consider having a heart to heart talk about all of this, and if he chooses to go out w/ friends, he has that right. As do you.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/2/2022 at 2:33 PM, JandJMom said:

  Am I doing something wrong?

The only thing "wrong" is way too much way too soon. Slow down. 

You need to figure out your co-parenting arrangements better. 

You're trying to juggle too much chaos and trying way too hard to hang on to this man.