I think I made a big mistake with a guy and now he stopped talking to me. Please help me.

[Bearhugs87]

My story is really long so thanks for reading. I had a crush on this guy. Let’s call him John. We met in person and hanged out but we lived far away so we kept in touch through Facebook. He used to talk to me a lot and like my pictures and all that but he never made a move because he was also talking to another a girl at that time.

I liked John a lot but since he took too long to make a move, I assumed he wasn’t interested so I decided to date someone else. Let’s call my new boyfriend Mike. Eventually John found out I was dating Mike but little did I knew Mike was going to become a controlling and toxic boyfriend. He became controlling of my Facebook friends and since I was “stupid” and in love I deleted my whole Facebook to avoid problems in my new relationship. I didn’t care much about social media anyway.

I continued having problems with Mike and after months of feeling unhappy, one day I decided to try to be friends with John again. I missed him and didn’t want to regret not having him in my life. So I added him on Facebook after I opened a new account. I even sent him a message saying that I liked talking to him in the past. He told me he felt hurt when I deleted him from Facebook and I told him one day I was going to explain him everything. A few months passed by and I assumed John didn’t care about me anymore since we no longer talked, but one day he messaged me out of the blue asking how I’m doing. I was so happy!!! I thought it was the best opportunity to explain him why I disappeared from Facebook. I felt like I owe him an explanation.

So I wrote him a long email explaining that I was still in a relationship with Mike and I had to cancel my account due to him being toxic. But I also told him I added him again on Facebook because I always considered him special and I missed him in the past when he didn’t talk to me as much. After he read the email, he didn’t reply to the email, but he messaged me saying that he read it and thanked me. He said he had no clue I appreciated him so much. Then he asked me who my boyfriend was (I didn’t had pictures with Mike on my new Facebook) and he even asked me his name. After I told him who he was, he ghosted me. He left me on read and never messaged me again. I don’t know if he felt bad because he probably thought I was single, but I needed to tell him the truth and explain things to him. I don’t know why he ghosted me but I’m thinking it could be for two reasons: 

Reason # 1: he doesn’t like me back and the best way to remove himself from the situation was to ghost me.

Reason # 2: he felt like it was pointless to continue talking to me since I have a boyfriend. I don’t know why he wanted to know my boyfriend’s name. Maybe he looked him up online and Mike is very good looking, athletic, has big muscles. He seems like an “alpha” male so perhaps he felt like he can’t compete with him. 

So I don’t know THE REAL REASON of why he ghosted me and how should I act now. Should I just move on and forget about John? I doubt he will message me again but I feel so confused not knowing why he acted like that and I don’t want to bother him because I don’t know if he’s upset or uncomfortable. What advice can you give me?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Bearhugs87 said:

Then he asked me who my boyfriend was . He left me on read and never messaged me again.

How do you know John? Was this a friendship or online romance? Unfortunately being with a controlling abusive guy like Mike won't be solved by running to others. You need to reflect why you allowed him to isolate you from friends. As far as John, he's wise to exit since you have a BF. Reflect on your choices in men and your boundaries with them.

[kctiger]

I can't tell from your story, but are you still with Mike? Seems to me that is the biggest issue here before addressing John. I too would not continue to talk to a woman that is taken. John isn't going to friendzone himself for the sake of your attention. 

But seriously, are you still with the controlling boyfriend? There is nothing "Alpha" about a dude who controls his girlfriend's social media habits or makes silly, immature demands of her. That's just cowardice and low self esteem. 

[catfeeder]

Not too many people will want to involve themselves with anyone who is being disloyal to a partner.

If the guy is that bad dump his azz and move forward with your life without spinning drama for others. Nobody worth having is interested in becoming a part of that.

[Batya33]

John didn't ghost you. He simply decided once he realized you were definitely taken that he didn't want to deal with being in touch given that you have a boyfriend and the way you contacted him may have made him suspicious -like maybe your boyfriend created the account to check up on you -it's too weird, not worth the potential train wreck.  

But there could be many reasons - maybe he realized he wasn't in the mood to stay in touch and since you flaked on him (he doesn't have to believe you as to why and anyway you're still in a relationship with the person) I mean why does he need to respond -silence is your answer.

I wouldn't assume it had a thing to do with your boyfriend's physical features -and anyway he can't know if that's really what he looks like and he may just not care.  With all respect -get over yourself as far as assuming he put that much thought into it and was intimidated just because your boyfriend looks a certain way. Please.

I'd end things with the toxic boyfriend.  Not for John just for you.

[Cherylyn]

It wouldn't have worked out with John anyway.  He lives faraway which is impractical for both of you.  He was talking to another girl so he wasn't serious about you in the first place.  You were merely his online friend and that's it. 

John asked about Mike's identity because he was curious and he figured you weren't serious about him either.  He didn't see the point of even corresponding as a friend because he lost interest.  I'm sorry.

To delete someone from FB or ghost, block and delete someone from a cell phone with nary an explanation in advance is considered abrupt passive aggressive behavior especially if you felt fairly close to them.  (I've deleted people from my FB because I hadn't seen them in years, we became strangers and there were no plans to see each other in the future.)  Deleting a close person or close people is impulsive and this type of behavior is fickle which is distrustful.  It happened to me in the past.  Therefore,  I'm rather wary and jaded of anyone who tests me sorely.  I develop major trust issues with unstable, insecure people because there's no telling when they'll impulsively and harshly demonstrate their dismissive behavior and attitude towards me yet again. 

The real reason doesn't matter at this point.  All that matters is that he doesn't think you're worth it to  him.  He's no longer interested in maintaining electronic correspondence with you.  You'll have to accept it and move on.

Don't contact him.  His actions are telling you that he's moving on as should you. 

My advice would be to live your own life and in the future, never abruptly delete (or ghost / block) a person without politely explaining especially if they didn't warrant your sudden deletion.  First, you leave a person confused, then miffed and then angry.  People don't appreciate being treated as if they're disposable.  Learn from this negative experience and know better in the future.  Don't stew too much over this.  You'll be OK.

 

 

[moodindigo91]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd end things with the toxic boyfriend.  Not for John just for you.

I concur. And also you should realize that John and Mike are not the only 2 options in the world. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. 

Leave Mike if you haven't already. Don't fixate on John. Don't think about dating other men or looking for other men to date until after you've left Mike. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Bearhugs87 said:

So I don’t know THE REAL REASON of why he ghosted me and how should I act now.

Does it really matter?

You have a boyfriend and didnt want to continue anything with him. And you only remembered him because your own relationship is not good. That is on you, not on him. You cant expect people to just wait for you. Especially after you clearly choose somebody else.

Break up with your boyfriend and then shop around for the guys who you rejected before him. Or preferably some new guys because this one seems to have moved on like any normal guy would.

[Andrina]

I guess because you've allowed your own life to be messy, it seems normal to you. For other people, it's far from normal. You're confused as to why someone would quickly shut and lock the door on a woman who remains in a toxic relationship and then flirts with another man? (Yes, it's flirting, even as you might argue the point.) And even though your man is toxic, it doesn't mean you're any better when you cross relationship boundaries. Mentally healthy people with a good self worth don't remain in toxic relationships, nor do they try to begin other romantic relationships while still in one.

Apparently, the Internet guy possesses a healthy self-worth, so will not get mixed up in your giant mess. That's your answer. Yes, you should move on because nobody deserves that.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Bearhugs87 said:

So I don’t know THE REAL REASON of why he ghosted me and how should I act now. Should I just move on and forget about John?

Yeah, is best to leave him be...and get rid of Mike too, while you're at it!

Why you're still with this piece of crap I don't know 😕 .

As for you and FB, figure out what you're gonna do there.. but don't delete something unless it is true YOU actually don't want it.

[Tinydance]

So did you get rid of Mike? If not, you probably should lol He does sound very controlling. I mean, he made you/influenced you to delete your Facebook account. To me that level of control and jealousy doesn't sound normal. 

Well in regards to John, was he actually really interested in you to begin with? You said he never actually made a move and he was also talking to another girl. You never actually dated him or even had an actual online "relationship", right? If John was interested in you romantically I think he would have said something back then. The fact is he didn't say or do anything.

Also you deleted your Facebook and didn't speak to John for at least a number of months. It also sounds like you never told him what happened until recently. I imagine if I talked to someone on Facebook but then they just disappeared with no explanation for many months, I'd probably just think they don't care about talking to me and basically sort of forget about them.

I know you never forgot John but the fact that he's now ghosted you probably shows he kinda forgot about you. Or at least he's not interested in anything romantic or even friendship. 

Anyway my advice would be to end it with Mike if you haven't already done so.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Bearhugs87 said:

he felt like it was pointless to continue talking to me since I have a boyfriend.

This. 

It has nothing to do with your boyfriend's appearance, and everything to do with the fact that you're not single so there's not much point in chatting with you. You apologized for disappearing but what else can you expect? 

It's not a good look to try to chat up other men while you have a boyfriend. It makes you look sneaky and dishonest, so you should not be surprised that this guy doesn't want to keep talking to you. Most are not going to be interested in being friendly with a woman in a dysfunctional relationship, OP. 

[Bearhugs87]

Thanks for your answers. Well, I realized I made a mistake for getting with Mike but the truth is that even before I dated Mike, I REALLY liked John but he didn’t move mountains for me. Until this day I don’t even know if he liked me or saw me as a friend.
I did my part apologizing to John for disappearing on him when I deleted Facebook and I was honest with him about being in a relationship. At least I didn’t lie or pretend I was single. If John wants to cut me out of his life, then there’s nothing else I can do. It is what it is. Now I have to figure out how to be single again. I wish I felt more support but I already lost a friend who I thought I could count on. And that’s John 

[MissCanuck]

It's not really fair of you to expect John's support as you figure out if you want to be single, OP. 

Your expectations are not realistic for this situation. Lean on other friends. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Bearhugs87 said:

I wish I felt more support but I already lost a friend who I thought I could count on. And that’s John 

But he was never your friend in the first place OP. He was somebody you considered for the relationship and you were probably that to him. Once that was gone and you found a boyfriend, whole thing stopped to exist. 

You made a bad choice and now you regret it, that is OK. But again, what is done its done. Get rid of Mike and do better next time when you meet somebody.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 hours ago, Bearhugs87 said:

I continued having problems with Mike and after months of feeling unhappy,

Why don't you break up with Mike for a start?

The relationship isn't what you envisioned and you didn't sign up to be unhappy. Why not admit and accept that this relationship is bad for you, and free yourself to be happy and find love with someone else? It's okay to go into a relationship and then realize it's not good in practice.

[kctiger]

Not sure what John has to do with you ending your own toxic relationship. It’s almost like you want to monkey branch to John directly after Mike. That is not healthy. Cut Mike loose. Trust me, there are plenty of other guys with big muscles who look the “alpha” part but actually behave like a well balanced gentleman. You’re going to have to be a mature about this and end the relationship on your own. Don’t you have girlfriends that can help with the emotional support?