My friend keeps convincing me to settle

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's how my parents and grandparents grew up, mostly. I find Alex's comments more about keeping up with the Joneses.  I did not grow up wealthy.  Not even close.  Not poor either.  

It's definitely NOT fun.  Many people have choices and will do what it takes to better their lot in life.  I went to the extreme which in my case was borne out of a desperate need never to relive and reenact where I came from.  Been there done that, never again.  I will tell you based upon my experience that being the Joneses is a heck of a lot more enjoyable than not any day.  Zero debts over here, too + quite the nest egg.  Different strokes for different folks.  Whatever floats my boat!  To each her own.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It's definitely NOT fun.  Many people have choices and will do what it takes to better their lot in life.  I went to the extreme which in my case was borne out of a desperate need never to relive and reenact where I came from.  Been there done that, never again.  I will tell you based upon my experience that being the Joneses is a heck of a lot more enjoyable than not any day.  Zero debts over here, too + quite the nest egg.  Different strokes for different folks.  Whatever floats my boat!  To each her own.

I meant her attitude that she wants her kids to have new clothing so they are not made fun of . I find that attitude not really in touch with reality.  I've found her other assumptions about men and relationships and choices, about wedding planning etc also not quite consistent with reality and reflective of her getting in her own way.  

I had to fight for most of what I got educationally and professionally -not because we were poor but because we weren't "connected" in the way of "who you know" so I had to create my own "who you know" piece to help me get to where I needed to be.  And I did.  And it was totally worth it.

[lostandhurt]

It is all perspective isn't it?  For some working 40 hours a week is normal and to others it is a sign of being lazy because they work 60 plus hours a week.  Same goes for income.

 Your perspective and upbringing brought you to the place you are in life and it sounds very reasonable and a place to be happy and content.  I have dated and met a lot of women and some seemed like they were never content. Once they got something they wanted more to be happy but that doesn't sound like you.  You sound genuine and grounded so stick to your principles and standards because in the end you have to live them not your friend.

 In the future feel free to talk to your friend about your dates and the guys you meet just instead of listing why they aren't a good match for you just say that. I didn't feel like he was a good match or we want different things in life.  If she presses you for specifics just tell her you will know when you meet the right guy and you would rather be single and alone than being with someone just to have a man in your life.

 PS Your friend is married to a teenager, not a mature man.

Best wishes

 Lost

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/27/2022 at 1:09 AM, Alex39 said:

But is it wrong to want more in life?

Nope.  She's not the one that's marrying them, nor paying your bills, nor sharing genetic DNA with you.  She chose a deadbeat, and that doesn't have to be your choice.

30 is still young.  Get Happy Hour drinks at Steakhouses.  Bring a single friend(s) or friends that get it to be your wingman.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing a man who can make a nice nest.

[Batya33]

Just now, lostandhurt said:

It is all perspective isn't it?  For some working 40 hours a week is normal and to others it is a sign of being lazy because they work 60 plus hours a week.  Same goes for income.

 Your perspective and upbringing brought you to the place you are in life and it sounds very reasonable and a place to be happy and content.  I have dated and met a lot of women and some seemed like they were never content. Once they got something they wanted more to be happy but that doesn't sound like you.  You sound genuine and grounded so stick to your principles and standards because in the end you have to live them not your friend.

 In the future feel free to talk to your friend about your dates and the guys you meet just instead of listing why they aren't a good match for you just say that. I didn't feel like he was a good match or we want different things in life.  If she presses you for specifics just tell her you will know when you meet the right guy and you would rather be single and alone than being with someone just to have a man in your life.

 PS Your friend is married to a teenager, not a mature man.

Best wishes

 Lost

Sometimes yes but it depends also whether the person acts in an ambitious way whether about his or her paid work or volunteer work or otherwise.  Some who work 40 hours a week work much harder than those in a job 60 hours a week.  My friend who is in her 60s is a massage therapist.  She works total about 30 hours a week -6 hours at a time with no breaks in between clients.  It's extremely physically demanding work.  Others she works with would never do 6 clients in a row.  Total her hours are less than someone who works 40 hours a week but she is not lazy lol. 

Just like when I was a SAHM and worked far more than 40 hours a week and yet some asked my fellow SAHm "what do you do all day" or thereabouts.  

I think certainly there are extremes. I dated a guy about 20 years ago- we were in our 30s who was between positions but had been for months and was "day trading" -but he really wasn't.  He was probably day-smoking.  He claimed to be looking for work.  But he really wasn't.  I didn't think of him as lazy.  I ended things for other reasons but knew if he didn't really show energy and feet on the ground looking for a job soon I would have found him a bad match for me (even though I suspected he had a trust fund).  

[Cherylyn]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Thank you so much. I think financial burden makes a relationship more strained. I don't need to be the upper crust or super wealthy, just stable and comfortable.  I don't want my kid being the one being made fun of because they have old clothes and can't afford a school field trip. 

I honestly didn't realize that my friend doesn't go on any dates with her now husband.  She shared with me that they never go out to eat or do any activities together that cost money and didnt when they dated. And she was trying to convince me that those things don't matter. I think having date nights are important. You don't have to spend a ton, but the occasional nice dinner, weekend getaway, or fun activity is crucial when dating to bond and build memories. You also see how the other person handles things in life.   Just sitting in all the time and going for walks. To me, that isn't a relationship. 

Love doesn't pay the rent. Sometimes love isn't enough. I say that all the time.  Love is important,  but mixed with responsibility,  comfort, safety, fun, security. 

 

I understand you don't need to be super wealthy.  It really depends on what you want in this life.  What is good enough for you or do you want to shoot for the stars?  It's not impossible to have the best in life if you are smart regarding how you navigate yourself and make wise choices from the beginning.  Never set yourself up for the life you don't want.   

For some people, paying their bills on time and cutting corners elsewhere is good enough.  I respect going their route but for me, I realize that what I want means my life and survival are very expensive.  I want it all.  The big house, manicured neighborhood, no longer driving a jalopy of my childhood, chic apparel from head to toe, occasional dine out or take out meals, making occasional reservations for a 5-star hotel, no longer being able to afford only a Motel 6 and you get the general idea.  I don't ever want to live on a shoestring budget.  It is possible to live very comfortably with ample savings and zero debts.  I own my house free and clear.  It was very hard work to arrive at this point. 

I don't want to survive by pinching pennies.  However, your friend has no qualms for you to join her in the land of misery.  She claims that she's happy but living the way she does is very limiting and the answer is "NO, we can't afford it" at every turn.  Oh but wait, her husband is a nice guy. 🤔 Sorry, not good enough for most women including yours truly and I doubt you'd be happy in your friend's circumstances no matter how hard she tries to persuade and convince you otherwise. 

Sitting all the time and going for walks may be sufficient for some people but it's not everyone's cup of tea to be sure.  There's only so much of that you can do before you start going mad! 😡

Of course, moral men are tantamount but so is economic security otherwise life goes down the drain within a second.  A harsh reality check and preparation for the future pays off immeasurably.  Most people want to live a stable life yourself included.  Better wise than sorry! 

Btw, I rather enjoy being the Joneses.  It beats the alternative any day.  🙂

[Cherylyn]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I meant her attitude that she wants her kids to have new clothing so they are not made fun of . I find that attitude not really in touch with reality.  I've found her other assumptions about men and relationships and choices, about wedding planning etc also not quite consistent with reality and reflective of her getting in her own way.  

I had to fight for most of what I got educationally and professionally -not because we were poor but because we weren't "connected" in the way of "who you know" so I had to create my own "who you know" piece to help me get to where I needed to be.  And I did.  And it was totally worth it.

OP, Alex39 is free to think however she desires and if she prefers new clothes for her children and doesn't want fun poked at them, that's her prerogative.  Not every kid is the same either.  Some kids are kind and some kids don't care.  Others will bully and mock other kids for anything if it's due to clothing, height, physical appearance, inability to keep up with their classmates academically or athletically, nationality, religion, being different in any capacity, all of it.  There are no exceptions and runs the gamut.  Kids can be very cruel.  I vividly remember those days.  ☹️

Nothing was ever handed to me on a silver platter.  I've earned my current very comfortable life and I chose my husband wisely based upon my wretched childhood's family history.  My sons have a good life, too.   My husband and I made it on our own.  🙂

OP, Alex39.  You can have the life of your dreams if you do the total opposite of your friend.  Don't listen to her.  Make your own choices.  She can't live your life for you.  She really needs to mind her own business.  She won't marry your man for you.  That's your job.  You will determine what type of future you want with him whether it's comfortable or a marriage filled with struggle and hardship.  You decide.  It's YOUR choice.

[catfeeder]

45 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You sound genuine and grounded so stick to your principles and standards because in the end you have to live them not your friend.

Yes! I second this. There is no scarcity of men due to your standards, so if you'd only relax those, you'd find more dates. That's balderdash. 🙂

You feel scarcity because you are frozen into inaction. You went on ONE DATE, and instead of following that by using an app to keep meeting more men (to minimize the importance of any given outcome with any given guy) you sunk your focus into picking apart this ONE DATE and reading tea leaves and portending outcomes and sinking yourself under a paralyzing microscope.

All the while, instead of taking advantageous action to keep meeting more men, you've sunk your focus into daydreaming about momma's-boy-guy whenever you're not texting him or hovering around his mama.

None of this leads to any real dating, Alex. You just keep picking your scabs instead of setting up quick meets over coffee with guys who can see your photos, can already see your weight or a zit or anything else you're self conscious about, and can offer you some lovely practice at meeting new men. Learn how to enjoy convos with strangers--regardless of whether there's an offer to go out on a real date after that.

You enjoyed meeting that ONE DATE. It was not an excruciating experience. You may have turned it into one with your own mind, afterward--but at the time, you were really happy with the date.

So go do a bunch of those. Every week, at least 2 or 3. You'll learn how to roll with it instead of amplifying the importance of any given outcome.

Most people are just NOT our match. Rejection is not even 'rejection' anymore, it's just non-pursuit. In the same way that you're not up for pursuing deep and intimate friendships with every acquaintance you've ever met. Nothing 'wrong' with them, and nothing wrong with you--you just enjoy them at the party, or the park, or the moment.

Same with dating.

Even when there's no romance sparks, there can be humanity sparks that are fun and enjoyable--and these teach us how to enjoy the PROCESS of meeting new people for it's own sake. The byproduct of doing this can be stumbling into a great match.

Go do, Alex. Stop analysis paralysis and GO DO!

[boltnrun]

Like my former coworker told me, you're not going to find the right man by sitting on your couch with your cat.

Get out there! How is any man supposed to meet and be dazzled by you if you don't even try?

[Cherylyn]

Go where all the great men are because very moral, successful men (and / or high achievers) tend to relate to those whom they have a lot in common with.  'Birds of a feather flock together.' 

[Jaunty]

But ... back to reality.  @Alex39 posted quite a bit about how much she likes this guy but that his circumstances made him an inappropriate match for her.  

A LOT of posts about the guy.

This friend talked her into asking him out, but he ignored the invitation.

I wonder if this thread would exist if the guy accepted and they had a good time?  

Would the friend be getting dissed like she is now, or lauded as a gifted matchmaker? 

I think that this is more about a hurt ego (which is understandable - I'd feel it too) than the questionable intentions of the friend. 

[greendots]

On 9/27/2022 at 12:09 AM, Alex39 said:

She'll make me feel bad telling me it isn't about money or a career, that it's about the person. And that I shouldn't think so materialistic.

I've noticed that the opinion of others makes you question the validity of your own very often. Yes, A, B or C (and myself included) have an opinion—so what? It's your life. You are the one living it. What A, B or C or I think is, ultimately, just a POV which you do not have to share.

Pursue what you feel is best, that which moves you forward in life, and brings you joy.

 

[Alex39]

12 hours ago, Jaunty said:

But ... back to reality.  @Alex39 posted quite a bit about how much she likes this guy but that his circumstances made him an inappropriate match for her.  

A LOT of posts about the guy.

This friend talked her into asking him out, but he ignored the invitation.

I wonder if this thread would exist if the guy accepted and they had a good time?  

Would the friend be getting dissed like she is now, or lauded as a gifted matchmaker? 

I think that this is more about a hurt ego (which is understandable - I'd feel it too) than the questionable intentions of the friend. 

I think it's a bit of both. My gut screamed at me that he isn't the right one. As much as I like his personality, he's not up to my standards. I told my friendvI liked him for his personality, but I also shared with her why I won't ask him out, because of the job thing, and she called me materialistic and made me feel bad about judging him. 

So I asked him out and it went south. I'm over it. I should have trusted my gut. But I am a little peeved at my friend. Why would you promote your friend to date a guy who she says isn't up to her standard? A guy with nothing to offer? I swear my friend wants me to live like her to make herself feel better. 

[Alex39]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I meant her attitude that she wants her kids to have new clothing so they are not made fun of . I find that attitude not really in touch with reality.  I've found her other assumptions about men and relationships and choices, about wedding planning etc also not quite consistent with reality and reflective of her getting in her own way.  

I had to fight for most of what I got educationally and professionally -not because we were poor but because we weren't "connected" in the way of "who you know" so I had to create my own "who you know" piece to help me get to where I needed to be.  And I did.  And it was totally worth it.

I think I'm perfectly in touch with reality. Kids are going to say "Mommy I want the new Sneakers that all the other kids are wearing"

Kids want to be like their friends, they want to have the new cool backpack for school and the best lunchbox. I want to be able to buy my kids those things every year. I think hand me downs can be great, but your kid is going to want stuff too and I don't want to say no every time. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

As much as I like his personality, he's not up to my standards. I asked him out and it went south. I'm over it. I should have trusted my gut.

Yes. Trust your instincts. Your friend did not have a gun to your head. You wanted a date for this wedding, asked him and  no response. That's ok. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

So I asked him out and it went south. I'm over it. I should have trusted my gut. But I am a little peeved at my friend. Why would you promote your friend to date a guy who she says isn't up to her standard? A guy with nothing to offer? I swear my friend wants me to live like her to make herself feel better. 

Our friends(well, at least the good ones) want what is the best for us or at least what they think its the best. Your friend doesnt want bad for you, she sees you struggling with dating and wants you to find somebody to be happy so she thinks lowering your standards is the way to go if the guy is OK. She doesnt want you ending up miserable, she just wants you to be happy with somebody. Not realizing you wouldnt be happy that way. Friends are like that sometimes.

Also, dont feel bad for at least trying. Now you know the answer and can move on so that is a plus. I always look on the positive side of that. If you try and even if you get rejected in that attempt, is infinitely better then just to wonder "what if" and not even trying anything to make it happen. You tried and now you can move on to somebody else.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's a bit of both. My gut screamed at me that he isn't the right one. As much as I like his personality, he's not up to my standards. I told my friendvI liked him for his personality, but I also shared with her why I won't ask him out, because of the job thing, and she called me materialistic and made me feel bad about judging him. 

So I asked him out and it went south. I'm over it. I should have trusted my gut. But I am a little peeved at my friend. Why would you promote your friend to date a guy who she says isn't up to her standard? A guy with nothing to offer? I swear my friend wants me to live like her to make herself feel better. 

I think it's good you actually put yourself out there and asked him out. It's good to be proactive and at least try. It's OK if he's not interested because not everyone will be interested in us, and vice versa.

I think you really need to stop worrying about what your friends do and what their life is like. You've made many posts like this and you say these women are your close friends but yet you have so many negative and judgemental things to say about them. I think if they knew what you really think of them, their jaw would drop.

I think your friend was just trying to be supportive because you wrote here and probably told her that you don't like being single and you're not happy. You also wrote a lot about how much you liked that guy and you really wanted him to ask you out. Your friend probably only said those things because she knew you liked him and she was rooting for you and him to get together. Now you're annoyed because the guy turned you down and you're blaming your friend.

You actually weren't acting like he "wasn't up to your standard" because you talked about him a lot and how much you liked him. You need to act more mature and actually take responsibility for your own actions. 

If you want guys to like you, you should try to be a more positive person and not someone who is always finding fault with her friends and blaming them for this and that.

[Cherylyn]

Always listen to your gut because it's always right.  Your intuition are red flags about any person.  It is there for a reason and will protect you from future disaster. 

It's not so cut and dry.  If a man has a nice personality but doesn't qualify in other areas,  perhaps doesn't have realistic earning potential for a happy future with him,  then it's better to move on and find a more suitable long term partner.  If a man has a nice personality after observing him for a while and going places in life, he could be for you. 

Be patient though.  You really have to scrutinize character because potential for the future or a comfortable income earner may not tick all the boxes for you.  I'll give you an example.  My BIL (brother-in-law - my sister's husband) is handsome and a high income earner.  He's a fantastic provider and he, my sister and their 3 children reside in a $2mil house in a gated, coveted, very affluent neighborhood.  I'll admit that sometimes I'm quite envious of their prosperity.  However,  once I remember to dig deeper,  I know the real dirt. ☹️  This is what you deliberately don't  know nor see blasted all over social media, FB, IG, etc.  BIL is a class A jerk.  I could use another word but it's not fit for print.  He has a chronic, habitual, incurable, extremely rude personality.  He'll think nothing of constantly interrupting anyone who has a conversation with his wife, my sister.  He's insanely jealous of anyone who receives her attention, conversations or compliments.  He will make sure he cuts you down to the core, openly humiliates you, downgrades you and has no qualms saying the most cruel comments right to your face or anyone in my sister's company.  No one is spared.  Everyone is fair game.  He has become a pariah and no one wants to be with him socially.  He paws my sister if she's having a conversation with others.  So gross!  Either my sister has to do instant damage control, we all have to pretend we didn't hear him and ignore him or we simply decline all socializing with him.  His entire family including us (my husband & sons) are collateral damage by default.  It's so bad that my sister has to banish her husband at home while she attends various social events without him fearing predictable embarrassment at every turn.  She doesn't wish to risk public humiliation so she deliberately leaves him at home.  He's a pain in the  _________. 

Don't ever allow comfortable economics fool you.  A man who gives you endless trouble is a package deal.  You're forced to take the good with the bad.  The problem is the bad is like cancer.  You can't fix it in a marriage nor can you fix him.   You can never change a man which was advice given to me courtesy of my dear mother.  I took heed!  If you're with a bad man,  you're stuck and entrapped.  Divorce is not always an easy, instant option for everyone.  When shopping around for a husband, keep your eyes wide open because haste makes waste.  If you're smart, it will pay off later meaning everything about a man is someone who will give you a harmonious, very content, low maintenance life. 

My cousin's husband has a very impressive educational pedigree and in the upper echelons of his career and income.  He is supremely smart academically.  He's very tall and handsome.  How wonderful? 🙄 Well, again, I know the real dirt which not many people see nor know.  He's charming.  I'll give him that.  However, he like my BIL becomes very jealous if his wife pays attention to anyone but him so what does he do?  Like my BIL, he chases everyone away.  My cousin's husband harasses other women physically such as pulling and snapping the back of my bra strap years ago.  He has a track record of doing this to 14 other known women as well such as my cousin's mother, stepmother, neighbor, her husband's niece and numerous now estranged friends.  He's a huge liability.  For men, my cousin's husband will say something awful to them. 

Pay very close to character because it makes and breaks all relationships.  It's not only about the attraction of money.  Pay attention to the quality of one's character and make sure your radar is up about everything. 

Of course, a comfortable standard of living is important.  I'm not discounting that. 

I have a neighbor who is great at his career but he's the most narcissistic man I've ever met.  He's handsome but so what?  The rest of him stinks!  🤭

I went on one and last date with a guy who earned a great income, handsome, drove a sports car yet doused himself with after shave cologne to the point of suffocating me.  When he picked me up for a date, what did he do?  He handed my mother a bag of fast food trash from his car and asked her to dispose it!  😯  ☹️  He was a reject! 

I wouldn't be peeved regarding your friend.  She's demonstrates typical human nature.  She doesn't want you to have a better outcome than her when it comes to choosing a husband.  She wants you to pinch pennies, clip coupons and live on the cheap just like her.  Hence, misery loves company.  She wants you to be just like her or inferior to her but definitely not above her in the happiness and monetary scale.  This is how many people are.   It's a cruel world we live in so grow accustomed to it.  Your friend is very passive and gives you backhanded advice.  Ignore her and go your own way.  And, don't divulge your personal opinions, private life and comments to your friend anymore otherwise you will invite her sinister advice.  

Don't feel bad about finding fault or faults and judging a man and your friend because judging is good.  Judging teaches you to think and discern your life's course.  Judging protects you from people who are no good.  If you didn't judge, you'd make avoidable and preventable mistakes which will cost you dearly.  Heed those red warning flags because you'll thank yourself later and be relieved to have used your brain!

Your friend called you materialistic?  This was her way of giving you a snide comment.  If you don't wish to hear it,  keep your mouth shut.  Don't text her.  Don't provoke.  If you must, keep your conversations brief and superficial.  No more updates for her.  Make it a habit.   She will criticize you as long as you provide her with fodder.  Ending it starts with YOUR behavior.

I remember when I was a young girl.  When I was a teenager, I wanted a particular pair of shoes other girls were wearing at my school.  Sometimes, as a special rare treat, my mother would buy them or new clothes for my birthday or Christmas.  It's normal to want what others have.  I am this way to this day.  The only difference is I no longer have to wait.  I just simply buy it quickly.  The benefit to growing up poor is it forced and pushed me to succeed and prosper more than those in my midst.  I wanted it more than my friends who grew up in a comfortable, middle class life.  I wanted it so badly that I eclipsed them.

Be very picky and choosy.  I was and I'm glad! 

Living the type of life you want is expensive.   Shoot for the best because that's what it takes to obtain what you want.  Never settle.  I've noticed all around me in my community that all great husbands and "catches" were snatched up early.  Then there are other women who've settled for duds and look where it got them?  😩

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Always listen to your gut because it's always right.  Your intuition are red flags about any person.  It is there for a reason and will protect you from future disaster. 

It's not so cut and dry.  If a man has a nice personality but doesn't qualify in other areas,  perhaps doesn't have realistic earning potential for a happy future with him,  then it's better to move on and find a more suitable long term partner.  If a man has a nice personality after observing him for a while and going places in life, he could be for you. 

Be patient though.  You really have to scrutinize character because potential for the future or a comfortable income earner may not tick all the boxes for you.  I'll give you an example.  My BIL (brother-in-law - my sister's husband) is handsome and a high income earner.  He's a fantastic provider and he, my sister and their 3 children reside in a $2mil house in a gated, coveted, very affluent neighborhood.  I'll admit that sometimes I'm quite envious of their prosperity.  However, I once I remember to dig deeper,  I know the real dirt. ☹️  This is what you deliberately don't  know nor see blasted all over social media, FB, IG, etc.  BIL is a class A jerk.  I could use another word but it's not fit for print.  He has a chronic, habitual, incurable, extremely rude personality.  He'll think nothing of constantly interrupting anyone who has a conversation with his wife, my sister.  He's insanely jealous of anyone who receives her attention, conversations or compliments.  He will make sure he cuts you down to the core, openly humiliates you, downgrades you and has no qualms saying the most cruel comments right to your face or anyone in my sister's company.  No one is spared.  Everyone is fair game.  He has become a pariah and no one wants to be with him socially.  He paws my sister if she's having a conversation with others.  So gross!  Either my sister has to do instant damage control, we all have to pretend we didn't hear him and ignore him or we simply decline all socializing with him.  His entire family including us (my husband & sons) are collateral damage by default.  It's so bad that my sister has to banish her husband at home while she attends various social events without him fearing predictable embarrassment at every turn.  She doesn't wish to risk public humiliation so she deliberately leaves him at home.  He's a pain in the  _________. 

Don't ever allow comfortable economics fool you.  A man who gives you endless trouble is a package deal.  You're forced to take the good with the bad.  The problem is the bad is like cancer.  You can't fix it in a marriage nor can you fix him.   You can never change a man which was advice given to me courtesy of my dear mother.  I took heed!  If you're with a bad man,  you're stuck and entrapped.  Divorce is not always an easy, instant alternative for everyone.  When shopping around for a husband, keep your eyes wide open because haste makes waste.  If you're smart, it will pay off later meaning everything about a man is someone who will give you a harmonious, very content, low maintenance life. 

My cousin's husband has a very impressive educational pedigree and in the upper echelons of his career and income.  He is supremely smart academically.  He's very tall and handsome.  How wonderful? 🙄 Well, again, I know the real dirt which not many people see nor know.  He's charming.  I'll give him that.  However, he like my BIL becomes very jealous if his wife pays attention to anyone but him so what does he do?  Like my BIL, he chases everyone away.  My cousin's husband harasses other women physically such as pulling and snapping the back of my bra strap years ago.  He has a track record of doing this to 14 other known women as well such as my cousin's mother, stepmother, neighbor, her husband's niece and numerous now estranged friends.  He's a huge liability.  For men, my cousin's husband will say something awful to them. 

Pay very close to character because it makes and breaks all relationships.  It's not only about the attraction of money.  Pay attention to the quality of one's character and make sure your radar is up about everything. 

Of course, a comfortable standard of living is important.  I'm not discounting that. 

I have a neighbor who is great at his career but he's the most narcissistic man I've ever met.  He's handsome but so what?  The rest of him stinks!  🤭

I went on one and last date with a guy who earned a great income, handsome, drove a sports car yet doused himself with after shave cologne to the point of suffocating me.  When he picked me up for a date, what did he do?  He handed my mother a bag of fast food trash for my car and asked her to dispose it!  😯  ☹️  He was a reject! 

I wouldn't be too peeved regarding your friend.  She's typical human nature.  She doesn't want you to have a better outcome than her when it comes to choosing a husband.  She wants you to pinch pennies, clip coupons and live on the cheap just like her.  Hence, misery loves company.  She wants you to be just like her or inferior to her but definitely not above her in the happiness and monetary scale.  This is how many people are.   It's a cruel world we live in so grow accustomed to it.  Your friend is very passive and gives you backhanded advice.  Ignore her and go your own way.  And, don't divulge your personal opinions, private life and comments to your friend anymore otherwise you will invite her sinister advice.  

Don't feel bad about judging a man or your friend because judging is good.  Judging teaches you to think and discern your life's course.  Judging protects you.  If you didn't judge, you'll make avoidable and preventable mistakes which will cost you dearly.  Heed those red warning flags because you'll thank yourself later and be relieved to have used your brain!

Your friend called you materialistic?  This was her way of giving you a snide comment.  If you don't wish to hear it,  keep your mouth shut.  Don't text her.  Don't provoke.  If you must, keep your conversations brief and superficial.  No more updates for her.  Make it a habit.   She will criticize you as long as you provide her with fodder.  Ending it starts with YOUR behavior.

I remember when I was a young girl.  When I was a teenager, I wanted a particular pair of shoes other girls were wearing at my school.  Sometimes, as a special rare treat, my mother would buy them or new clothes for my birthday or Christmas.  It's normal to want what others have.  I am this way to this day.  The only difference is that I no longer have to wait.  I just simply buy it quickly.  The benefit to growing up poor is that it forced and pushed me to succeed and prosper more than those in my midst.  I wanted it more than my friends who grew up in a comfortable, middle class life.  I wanted it so bad that I eclipsed them.

Living the type of life you want is expensive.   Shoot for the best because that's what it takes to obtain what you want.  Never settle.  I've noticed all around me in my community that all the great husbands and "catches" were snatched up early.  Then there are other women who've settled for duds and look where it got them?  😩

There are actually different types of judging. You can judge people's bad character or red flags, which is smart and can protect you. Or you can just judge people for anything really. For not being like you, thinking like you. I have gotten the impression from some of Alex's posts that she sometimes does this.

I actually didn't get the sense that her friend wants Alex to be miserable and poor. Her friend is poor and she was saying Alex should ask out that guy because Alex liked him. 

I actually did get an impression from some of Alex's previous posts that she's a bit materialistic. She's written things before like that she gave friends gifts for their baby and things like that and she was annoyed she wasn't more important to them or got more gratitude that she got a gift. 

Majority of her posts have been negative about women who are supposed to be her close friends. Poor married friend, Pam at work. I doubt they all have so many things wrong with them. And if they did then how can they be Alex's close friends? This is what I mean about being judgemental.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think I'm perfectly in touch with reality. Kids are going to say "Mommy I want the new Sneakers that all the other kids are wearing"

Kids want to be like their friends, they want to have the new cool backpack for school and the best lunchbox. I want to be able to buy my kids those things every year. I think hand me downs can be great, but your kid is going to want stuff too and I don't want to say no every time. 

No one is talking about extremes.  Kids have to learn they cannot always be like their friends especially when it comes to materialistic things. IMHO it's a great lesson to learn early on including by example.  If not it will be a source of neverending anxiety and struggle to be "like their friends".  Kids want lots of stuff.  And kids thrive on structure, boundaries and learning values from watching how their parents behave especially when it comes to materialisic stuff. IMHO. Check out the book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee -it's a great parenting and values book IMO.

One of my cousin's spouses once told me -her kids were basically grown (and they were very very wealthy, wanted for nothing) "I tell my kids the worst argument you can make is that someone else's parents bought their child ____ [whatever it is]."

[boltnrun]

I can't tell you how many adults I know who were given everything they wanted. They are the most poorly adjusted people I know. They won't hold a job, they spend money they don't have and then turn to Mommy and Daddy to bail them out (sometimes literally) and every single one of them has a drug problem. 

Kids don't learn the value of earning things when they're just handed everything.

[Cherylyn]

8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

There are actually different types of judging. You can judge people's bad character or red flags, which is smart and can protect you. Or you can just judge people for anything really. For not being like you, thinking like you. I have gotten the impression from some of Alex's posts that she sometimes does this.

I actually didn't get the sense that her friend wants Alex to be miserable and poor. Her friend is poor and she was saying Alex should ask out that guy because Alex liked him. 

I actually did get an impression from some of Alex's previous posts that she's a bit materialistic. She's written things before like that she gave friends gifts for their baby and things like that and she was annoyed she wasn't more important to them or got more gratitude that she got a gift. 

Majority of her posts have been negative about women who are supposed to be her close friends. Poor married friend, Pam at work. I doubt they all have so many things wrong with them. And if they did then how can they be Alex's close friends? This is what I mean about being judgemental.

I agree, there are different types of judging. 

I judge people for anything, for not being similar to me, not thinking nor acting similar to me otherwise we can't relate nor do we have much in common.  I can still be nice to them at a strictly superficial acquaintance level but nothing more if that.

Alex's friend suggested that she ask the guy out because Alex liked him.  However, she has misgivings which is good because if a person doesn't completely qualify regarding what is important to her, then this person will never make her happy and secure.  

Friends don't always give sound advice.  A real friend genuinely looks out for you.  An artificial friend could truly not care less if you end up with a man who isn't ideal and optimal.  Subpar or mediocre is OK but better?  A lot of people don't always want what is necessarily best for you.  Sad but true.

I'm materialistic.  I like what I have.  I've paid hard money for all of it.  I'm also very crafty.  I love to sew.  I've sewed beautiful pot holders, trivets, oven mitts,  aprons and quilts for my sister yet she doesn't reciprocate despite her residing in a $2mil house!  Or, she'll give me something cheap and impractical.  Heck, she didn't even bother to acknowledge the handmade gifts I gave for last year's  birthday!  I've expended a lot of labor, spent money (on other various gifts, too) yet I am unappreciated.  Hence, I no longer send her birthday greetings and gifts.  Forget it.  NO.  What goes around comes around.        

I've been judgemental and weeded out friends over the years.  They are in different categories.  Some are very close and others are nice friends but not tight friends.  It's better to have people in life who treat you with mutual respect and care.  If respect and care are not mutual, the friendship or any relationship is dead.   

[tattoobunnie]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think I'm perfectly in touch with reality. Kids are going to say "Mommy I want the new Sneakers that all the other kids are wearing"

Kids want to be like their friends, they want to have the new cool backpack for school and the best lunchbox. I want to be able to buy my kids those things every year. I think hand me downs can be great, but your kid is going to want stuff too and I don't want to say no every time. 

You will be surprised.  Kids value many things, and it isn't always tangible like backpacks.  But I get what you are saying.  Vacations, going out to eat, bday parties, summer camp, college, aren't free.

[Cherylyn]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No one is talking about extremes.  Kids have to learn they cannot always be like their friends especially when it comes to materialistic things. IMHO it's a great lesson to learn early on including by example.  If not it will be a source of neverending anxiety and struggle to be "like their friends".  Kids want lots of stuff.  And kids thrive on structure, boundaries and learning values from watching how their parents behave especially when it comes to materialisic stuff. IMHO. Check out the book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee -it's a great parenting and values book IMO.

One of my cousin's spouses once told me -her kids were basically grown (and they were very very wealthy, wanted for nothing) "I tell my kids the worst argument you can make is that someone else's parents bought their child ____ [whatever it is]."

My mother said if I wanted it, go get a job which I did.  I was able to save money and buy what I wanted.  It's ok for kids to want what they want as long as they know how to save money and work hard for what they want. 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

You will be surprised.  Kids value many things, and it isn't always tangible like backpacks.  But I get what you are saying.  Vacations, going out to eat, bday parties, summer camp, college, aren't free.

I agree.  Life is very expensive.