Torn between staying and leaving

[Greysfan123]

Hi everyone

Thanks in advance for any advice. My bf and I had been dating for almost 2 years. He was kind, affectionate, my biggest champion, made so much effort with my friends and family etc. The perfect guy. However, he couldnt say I love you and was very touchy over his phone and I could tell he was holding back emotionally.

Fast forward 2 years and he loses his job, plummets into depression. His ex fiance contacts me and tells me they've been in touch the last 2 years every few months and he told her he needed her and still loved her etc. 

I ended it with him. He realised what he'd done and how much our relationship meant. I had months without him but he started to make real changes- went to therapy, stopped talking to her, moved to the same city as me, got a new job that was mostly work from home and has the option to work abroad as he knows I want that, he has integrated me into his family far more, arranged things with his friends, has opened up emotionally, has told me he loves me...so we have been trying to get things back on track. I also did a lot of work on myself- had time by myself, got therapy, read Trust books etc but i genuinely missed HIM and not 'someone'. I've been single for 6 years. I'm very independent, just bought my own house, have a great job etc.

Unfortunately, last night I had a weird feeling and questioned him that while we were apart did he date anyone and I have asked him this before and he said no. Asked him again and I found out he did talk to someone whilst we werent together but when we were still talking. He said it was an ego boost which I understand as I did the same. But he lied. Then turns out he hasn't blocked his ex on Instagram like he said. They don't have any messages between them but he lied and told me he'd blocked her.

 

My usual instinct is to always get away from situations like this and cut people out. Instead i have stayed and tried to make it work. However, I feel I can't trust him. Will I always have to ask questions to get answers?? 80% of him is this wonderful, caring man and another part him just lies! He said he forgot about the random girl he spoke to- it was just for a day and he blocked it out. He was so torn up and a mess when we broke up he had blocked it out.

 

How can I ever trust him again??

[boltnrun]

Twenty percent of him is not "wonderful". That's a LOT.

18 minutes ago, Greysfan123 said:

My usual instinct is to always get away from situations like this and cut people out. Instead i have stayed and tried to make it work.

How about him? How is he "trying to make it work"?

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, Greysfan123 said:

How can I ever trust him again??

You cant. Having your trust broken is like if you throw feather pillow through the window. You can maybe pick up almost all the feathers but pillow wouldnt ever be the same again. its the same with trust. Once its been broken, you cant really get it back like it used to be.

Plus, he hasnt changed. For 2 years he told his ex he needed her and how he loves her. Some random girl he talked to while you werent together is irrelevant. But to not even block his ex says a lot about his feelings and how he respects yours. Get out of there. You will always wonder the same with that guy and for a good reason.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Greysfan123 said:

Fast forward 2 years and he loses his job, plummets into depression. His ex fiance contacts me and tells me they've been in touch the last 2 years every few months and he told her he needed her and still loved her etc. 

80% of him is this wonderful, caring man and another part him just lies!

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it's difficult to build trust with someone capable of chronic and sustained deception, whether lying to your face or by omission.

Reflect if interrogations and looking over your shoulder for the next big lie is how you want to live and who you want to be. Keep in mind what you stumble upon is the tip of the iceberg in his deceptions.

[smackie9]

This is done, kick him to the curb for good. 

[Cherylyn]

No, you can't ever trust him again.  He's sneaky and lies to you.  He's deceitful and betrays you. 

It's the 20% you need to focus on which isn't so wonderful. 

You need to dissolve and exit this farce of a relationship.

 

[SwatTeamLeader]

This is such a hard situation and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with it. Overall I think you need to ask yourself if you honestly ever see him being 100% honest with you. If the answer to that is anything less than an "I genuinely feel like he can be honest with me and will be." Then you should probably leave.

As someone who is on the tailend of a trust breaking relationship obstacle, the only reason I was willing to stay and keep trying is because I genuinely believe that my SO is being honest with me now. Repeat offenders are not it though, so especially if he's told you he would be honest and lied afterwards, I think you know what you should do.  

EDIT: It also could be noted that you could opt into a less common type of relationship with this person if this one isn't serving you, such as some kind of open relationship where you both honestly define the boundaries of what is okay and what is not within it. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Rather than wait for the next shoe to drop, along with history having a tendency to repeat itself, I'd quit while I'm ahead.

In short he's likely to find better ways to cover his tracks.  Are you up for this?

 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Greysfan123 said:

How can I ever trust him again??

This is something that nobody else can answer for you.

You're the one who needs to decide how much of your life you'll want to live in anxiety and doubt about the person you wish you could trust, but who hasn't proven himself as trust-worthy.

Given that we never get any time back to re-live over again, how much of yours do you want to spend doing this?

[SooSad33]

If you are 'torn between', then there are doubts.  This shouldn't be.

I am assuming you know he never blocked his ex because you searched his phone ( or pc?).

As mentioned, doesn't really matter that he 'spoke to another woman', while you were apart.  It shouldn't really matter.  At that time, you were NOT together.

Also, as mentioned, the 'T' word.  BIG deal! (with how he was with the 2 yrs you two were involved....right?).

Then is maybe time to throw in the towel.  WHY would you want to carry on anything with someone you feel inside, you cannot trust?  😕 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, Greysfan123 said:

How can I ever trust him again??

You can't, and it was a mistake to get back together. 

This isn't just about trust. It's also about the fact that for 2 years, he wasn't fully present in your relationship and was still hung up on his ex. Learning to be trustworthy doesn't change the fact that his feelings for you are just not as strong as yours. 

This relationship doesn't have the legs to move forward. It's time to let him go so you can find someone who is crazy about you. This guy isn't it, or you would not be here in the first place. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Run . Nope. Nada. Dont take him back. He has shown you for 2 YEARS that he is a liar.

And, he didn't tell you he loved you, yet you stayed? Girl, no.

You are part of the problem here. You need to reflect on why you stayed in a relationship where your  partner DOES NOT love you and why you still keep wasting your time on him?! What's so attractive or healthy about that?!

Please, have some self-respect, realize your worth and only seek men who desire you mutually and make you feel special. Go back to the dating scene and start fresh with new men and a new you 💚

[jul-els]

Without trust, there’s nothing to try and save. It’s just time to move on. 

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/26/2022 at 1:43 PM, Greysfan123 said:

part him just lies! 

You can't be a part-time liar.  He's just a liar.  You only know what you caught him doing, and that was shared with you on a silver platter by his ex.

He was emotionally cheating on you for two years before he lost his job.  Not blocking his ex on Instagram is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

You will never feel safe.