Relationship Advice - Only Child Passive Boyfriend

[LexiBaconEater]

Hello!  I am hoping for some advice.  I have been dating my boyfriend (46 yrs old) for four years now.  I am 49 years old.  We are both divorced with older children.  He is an only child and is still quite spoiled by his mother - she brings him lunch every day.  He is a great guy and is very kindhearted.  The issue I am running into is that he is VERY naive and doesn't take the initiative.  Total only child syndrome.  His mom once said to me that he would do anything for me, I just need to ask him.  He doesn't do the little things without being asked:  making coffee, making the bed, anything.  He has a good job and his own apartment, so he is not a bum/schmuck.  I am just the opposite and believe myself to be a go-getter.  It's quite maddening sometimes when he pushes his empty plate towards me instead of taking it to the sink and rinsing it himself.  

My father is on the downward decent and just started dialysis.  We believe he may only have a couple months to live.  This boyfriend explained to me at dinner last night about how his ex-wife lost her father when they were together, and she was extremely angry at him for not being there for her when her father died.  She sounds a bit loony, and I don't consider myself anything like her.  The boyfriend's concern was that "He doesn't want history to repeat itself".  In other words, he doesn't want me to get angry at him for not being there when my father dies.  Somehow, my father's death just turned into his issue, and he is worried about himself.  He has never met my dad.  

Gosh.  It really would be nice to have someone to rely on to be there for me, unconditionally.  I don't think this man has the ability to because of his only child syndrome and being so naive about "being there for someone".  I am not sure what to do.  Do I cut and run?  He has such a big heart.  I do not want to "train" him.  I know the only way this relationship is going to work is for me to accept how passive he is and how he does not take the initiative at anything.  It would just be nice to have someone make me dinner for once, or top off my car with gas, or just say "I got this" without needing instructions.  With anything.  Especially now.

I just booked a big trip to Europe this coming March with him.  Do I keep going with this relationship just to have someone to do things with?  If I stay, how do I manage?

Thank you for your insight.  

[boltnrun]

He could very well do all those things for himself. A 46 year old man knows this. He just chooses not to. And that's because he has two women in his life catering to him. Why should he "change"? He's got an excellent deal for himself.

If being around him frustrates you, why would you consider him a positive addition to your life?

"I don't want to be 'alone'" causes people to attach themselves to the wrong person more often than not.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

He could very well do all those things for himself. A 46 year old man knows this. He just chooses not to. And that's because he has two women in his life catering to him. Why should he "change"? He's got an excellent deal for himself.

If being around him frustrates you, why would you consider him a positive addition to your life?

"I don't want to be 'alone'" causes people to attach themselves to the wrong person more often than not.

Oh please, OP -nothing to do with being an only child or  your made up only child syndrome.  My husband is an only child, so is our son.  They don't behave this way and if either of them doesn't help around the house it's because they are choosing not to and/or not being helpful -nothing to do with whether they have siblings. This is an individual you are settling for.  Do you have "afraid to be alone syndrome?"  

I am very sorry your father is ill.  Why do you feel you need a partner you can rely on unconditionally? That sounds like a tall order particularly for a boyfriend as opposed to a spouse.  Of course he has the ability to step up to the plate.  I agree with what boltnrun wrote.

[Blue_Skirt]

I very much believe in “what you see is what you get”. You have been dating him for 4 years, so this is who he is…….….

Why would he change from his point of view? He is 46 and has been living this way for a long time. I mean, his mom brings him lunch every day!

Are you willing to spend the rest of your live with him? How does that idea make you feel?

[Blue_Skirt]

58 minutes ago, LexiBaconEater said:

Do I keep going with this relationship just to have someone to do things with?

I think you truly need to rethink this statement.

You are not doing things with him, you are doing this for him. Did he book the trip to Europe or did you?

[Kwothe28]

How is he "kind-hearted" when he said to you that he wont be there with you if your dad dies? Or was he just worried that you will shun him like his ex wife did? I dont get that part. Also, why didnt he met your dad? Youve been dating for 4 years.

Also, also, I think its kinda late in a relationship but why didnt you "train him"? You and his mom allowed him to not think even about stuff like cleaning his own plate after eating. If you wanted him to do certain stuff why didnt you explain him that, for example, its his obligation to clean his own plate or even do other stuff like for example take out the trash? Big part of being and living with somebody is adjusting. Just because his mom let him live life like that, doesnt mean you should too. But you also let him be the person he was with his mom. Instead of trying to adjust him to be the person you wish him to be with you. Not saying it would work, but its also your fault he is like that with you.

Also, also, also, what do you mean "Do I keep this relationship going just to have someone"? Do you even like that guy? If after 4 years your sentiment with him is that "Its just someone not to be alone" you are in big trouble when it comes to choosing partner. Because if you chosed him just not to be alone and to have somebody to go to holidays with, you shouldnt even chose him at all.

[Cherylyn]

I know plenty of people who have siblings yet they are incredibly selfish, lazy and lack empathy.   Whether an only child or from a family with siblings,  it's all about how a person was raised and what they were accustomed to observing their parents as they grew up.  Without lectures, a child imitates their father or mother as they grow up and after they're adults.   Most  learning is from observation and non-verbal communication. 

For example, a strong father figure in a son's life teaches his son how to respect women.   My late FIL (father-in-law) was extremely helpful to his wife always ~ without his wife having to ask each and every time.  He helped with anything.  Hence, my husband always picks up the slack.  I haven't been to a gas station in years.  My gas tank is automatically full every time I drive.  My husband does all car washes (wash / vacuum), car maintenance, car repairs, house maintenance, house repairs, yard work, helps with cooking, kitchen clean up, errands (grocery shopping / other errands), tasks, laundry, helped with newborn / baby / child care, chauffeuring, you name it, he's right on it.  I never have to nag him to do it.  It gets done in half the time as four hands make for light work.  It's the way it should be so a wife doesn't have to run herself haggard trying to do everything by herself.  My  husband makes my marriage easy and smooth.  Happy wife = happy life ! 😃  Smart man.

At age 46, your boyfriend is permanently set in his ways.  He's a 'Mama's Boy' and forever tied to her apron strings.  He's spoiled rotten and unaccustomed to doing anything for himself because his mother does everything for him.  Why should he lift a finger?  He doesn't need to.  That's what his mother and you're there for !  🤔

If you don't want to train him, he won't change his ways.  He'll be permanently ignorant and clueless until you educate him. 

I'm sorry about your father's descent.  I don't think his ex-wife was loony for telling her ex-husband that he wasn't there for her when her father passed away.  History will repeat itself when your father passes away.  Your boyfriend won't be there for you.  His ex-wife can attest to that.  It doesn't matter whether or not your boyfriend met your father.  That's beside the point.  The fact is, he won't give you moral support nor be there for you when you are bereft.  I'm sorry. 

He doesn't sound like he has a big heart.  He sounds heartless.  He only thinks of himself and no one else.  His mother is first and you are less than secondary in status. 

I'd cut and run.  He doesn't sound like a keeper. 

Have an enjoyable vacation in Europe and safe travels. 

If you want someone to do things with, get a dog because it's easier than "managing" your hopefully soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. 

[catfeeder]

Nobody here is living your love life for you, so we don't get a vote that means anything.

If you're too afraid of learning how to enjoy your life solo, then you'll be willing to settle for whoever will take up space.

We never get any wasted time back to relive over again. If you can't envision yourself happy with this guy in your future, then the time to make a change is now.

Head high.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LexiBaconEater said:

I have been dating my boyfriend (46 yrs old) for four years now.  I am 49 years old.  We are both divorced with older children.  He has a good job and his own apartment.  I just booked a big trip to Europe this coming March with him. 

Sorry this is happening. He lives in his own place? Do either of you still have children living at home? 

Skip the "only child syndrome" and simply ask him what you want when he visits you. This is his personality. 

For example: "Can you bring groceries?, "make dinner?", "clean up after dinner?", etc. He is not a mind-reader.

Speak up for yourself and be your own "go-getter" in that respect. You're way to passive in spelling out what you want/need. If he is annoying you, don't invite him over as much.

 Also stop mommying him.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, LexiBaconEater said:

The boyfriend's concern was that "He doesn't want history to repeat itself".  In other words, he doesn't want me to get angry at him for not being there when my father dies.

And yet, this...

3 hours ago, LexiBaconEater said:

He has such a big heart.

I don't know what your definition of "big heart" is, exactly, but the above sure doesn't align with my own definition. 

This man isn't naive. He is selfish. There is a huge difference. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

And yet, this...

I don't know what your definition of "big heart" is, exactly, but the above sure doesn't align with my own definition. 

This man isn't naive. He is selfish. There is a huge difference. 

It's easy to be Mr. Cheerful when everything is rosy and you have two women jumping to do basic chores for you. His true self shows up the minute something unpleasant or difficult happens or one of his women tells him to clear his own plate.

[LexiBaconEater]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to listen and respond.  Each of you made me think, and that is what I wanted.  To clarify, I have been divorced and living in my own home for 20 years.  Before I started dating my current boyfriend, I took a 3-year break from dating.  He doesn't live here but comes over every other weekend and the occasional weeknight.  He isn't going to change.  Many of you are pretty accurate that way.  I just need to determine what to do now.  Thank you for provoking my thought process.  

[Jibralta]

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

21 hours ago, LexiBaconEater said:

We believe he may only have a couple months to live.  This boyfriend explained to me at dinner last night about how his ex-wife lost her father when they were together, and she was extremely angry at him for not being there for her when her father died.  She sounds a bit loony, and I don't consider myself anything like her.  The boyfriend's concern was that "He doesn't want history to repeat itself".  In other words, he doesn't want me to get angry at him for not being there when my father dies.  Somehow, my father's death just turned into his issue, and he is worried about himself.

I think that's a bizarre thing for him to say. 

Also noteworthy is the depiction of his ex as "loony," and that you've compared yourself to her as 'not loony.' That's not a very good dynamic.

[Tinydance]

Well I'm an only child and I don't just give my dirty plate to someone and tell them to wash it lol I don't know if there is such a thing as "only child syndrome" but I guess there are people who are just spoiled or feel entitled to things. They may or may not be an only child.

I just have some further questions about your boyfriend and your relationship....You say he doesn't do things like make a coffee. Just wondering what you mean by that? Does he drink coffee, but he expects you to make it for him? Or does he actually not drink coffee but you would like it if he looked after you. Like asking: "Darling do you want a coffee?"

You say he's not a go getter but at the same time you also said he has a good job and owns his own apartment? You make him sound like a bit of a "man child" but you also said he's the father of two adult children. So he raised two children? Or was someone else raising them?

The reason why I was asking these questions is just trying to get more of an idea in what ways his behaviours are a problem. I think everyone has their flaws and annoying quirks and habits. Being in a relationship means you need to figure out if you can tolerate these flaws or not. 

Unless your boyfriend's mother completely looks after him, I think your boyfriend does still have some maturity like raising children and living in the apartment on his own. I'm sure being a parent you do pick up independence and initiative skills. And you do need to clean up after your children a lot because a baby won't just change their own nappy lol

I could be wrong but sometimes you might just feel like you're incompatible with someone and everything about them just annoys you. Do you think that could be the case here?

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

I think that's a bizarre thing for him to say. 

Also noteworthy is the depiction of his ex as "loony," and that you've compared yourself to her as 'not loony.' That's not a very good dynamic.

It's the minority that would describe an ex in a positive light.  Whenever I hear "crazy ex' labels I immediately wonder what the ex's version is.   No doubt my ex told everyone who would listen that everything was fine until I woke up one day crazy and depressed and wanted to leave for no apparent reason.

You need to ask yourself what it is you are looking for in a relationship.  For me it's companionship and a life partner. Partner being the operative word here.  I would say no to a man child and a relationship that felt this inequitable.  I guess the question is, what is in this for you?

Character traits and temperaments really don't change.  Are you ok with a lifetime of the this?

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Whenever I hear "crazy ex' labels I immediately wonder what the ex's version is.

Me too. I learned to skip the guys that trash-talked their exes. Big red flag in my book. Right up there with, "You're not like other women."

[smackie9]

I believe the only way to see change is to change. Find out if he is willing to change with you. If he digs his heels in, you got your answer.

[tattoobunnie]

You are finally getting to see him.  It takes years to really get to know something; you get to see them through good times and bad, job loss, career change, promotions, with friends, travel, holidays, with family, through illness and deaths in the family.  He is a straight up loser who only prioritizes himself.  I'm married to an only child, and he would never ever believe like your guy does.  This is it - this is who he is...selfish.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, LexiBaconEater said:

Thank you everyone for taking the time to listen and respond.  Each of you made me think, and that is what I wanted.  To clarify, I have been divorced and living in my own home for 20 years.  Before I started dating my current boyfriend, I took a 3-year break from dating.  He doesn't live here but comes over every other weekend and the occasional weeknight.  He isn't going to change.  Many of you are pretty accurate that way.  I just need to determine what to do now.  Thank you for provoking my thought process.  

It's good that you have those 3 solo years to draw on and you've had the experience of surviving a divorce. You've learned that neither will kill you, and you likely grew so much from that period in your life.

One consideration if you love this man might be to research how successful couples barter, bribe and negotiate with one another. Yes, this involves work, but it's far less frustrating than holding expectations that a partner will operate as desired in a relationship that's been left on autopilot.

I guess it's a cost/benefit analysis: is this man worth the effort required to communicate your needs along side offers to reciprocate with behaviors that are of value to him?

We all need to make these estimations, so you're in good company.

Head high.

 

[Andrina]

What you see is what you get. If you two eventually moved in together, you should expect Mom popping by daily. Don't assume she'll stop just because you two start living together.

That'd be a big "no" for me. I was even mature enough as a teen when I dumped a guy I dated, who I could see would allow his mother's over involvement (for fear of being subject to her sulkiness).

What should he have done about your anguish about your dad? He should have asked, "What can I do to help you in this situation?" And also given you words of empathy and hug you. Instead, he's frustrating you with his own baggage and bringing up his ex.

If you want someone to change in a major way, the person isn't right for you. If it were me, I'd free myself to find someone who is right for me. Take care.

[Cherylyn]

My late father was not an only child yet he never helped my mother.  I NEVER observed my father wash a dish nor push a vacuum cleaner in my entire life !  His mother and sister coddled him and my poor mother was burdened throughout her marriage.  It was a relief when he died. 

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?  If you're unwilling to train, educate and manage him, his mother and you will be stuck doing everything for him.  Either accept him the way he is or do something about it.  Dissolve and exit this exhausting relationship or fix him.  The choice is yours. 

[boltnrun]

I don't think adults should be "trained" or "fixed" like they're a dog or a broken appliance. 

We either accept people as they are, or we can express our wishes and boundaries and they can either decide ON THEIR OWN if they want to make adjustments or walk. And if they promise to "change" but don't, WE can walk.

I would not respond well to someone announcing they're going to "train" or "fix" me. 

[Cherylyn]

Unless you speak up, he won't know what to do because he was raised to be coddled 'courtesy' of his mother.  If he doesn't wish to lose you, he'll change his habits in order to make the relationship  empathetic and equal.  If he's stubbornly unwilling to improve for the sake of harmony, cut your losses and move on. 

[jul-els]

Laziness is not an attractive quality and I can understand how it would be annoying, but you picked him. If you’re unhappy with him, you need to leave. Trying to train him like a puppy dog will exhaust you and is unrealistic. The onus is on you to take him as he is or leave him be. 

[Cherylyn]

By now,  at age 46,  he's set in his ways and very comfortable with his decades old habits.   Accept the way he is or YOU change by exiting this burdensome relationship.