I have a date

[Alex39]

I have a date tomorrow night and I am scared out of my mind with anxiety and I don't know why. 

I don't even know if I want to meet this guy. He saw a post I posted on Facebook and started messaging me, later adding me as a Facebook friend. The thing is. Some of his photos on facebook- he looks really cute. Other pictures of him,he looks terrible. 

We've been texting and getting along. But my feeling is, that if he messaged me on Facebook, then he must do this to a lot of women. I don't like that. I want to meet a guy naturally, not a guy who tries to throw lines on Facebook and see what fits. 

I have this pit in my stomach that this isn't the right thing and that I should bail. I don't know what is wrong, but my intuition is screaming. Should I ask him more jmportabt questions before we meet. Such as is he a big drinker? Does he smoke? 

If he smokes, I'd never go out with him. 

He say he owns his own home and he had a full time job. That's good. But I am just so worried. 

I want to protect myself. Being vulnerable and investing, telling someone about me and my life is very scary to me. I don't want to waste my time if he's clearly the wrong person. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want to protect myself. Being vulnerable and investing

Grabbing a cup of coffee with a FB friend is not "investing". Do not screen him as a husband. Just have fun and observe. Do not tell him your life story. He's Not your therapist.

[catfeeder]

The whole point of messaging is to screen a person, not impress them.

Have you spoken to him on the phone or video app?

Are you meeting for a quick coffee or drink in a safe, public place with your own transport? If not, what kind of date did you agree to?

Have you run any Google or public records searches on him?

You may be in a panic because you've been focused on the wrong stuff--trying to be cute instead of self protective.

Ask for his phone number and call him to ask more questions. Don't go anywhere alone with a stranger. Set this up better.

[Kwothe28]

That is like, way too much assumption about somebody. Makes me think you want to self-sabotage yourself.

You agreed to date, so go and have fun. You will see how he looks in person, whether he is a "player", does he smoke, or does he drinks excessively, at the spot. And decide whether you want to go on to see him again. Searching for his "red flags" before you even go out on a date, is just your anxiety kicking in. And trying to get out of something before it even started.

[greendots]

This first meet is like when a male stranger approaches you on a bus for the first time and starts chatting. Got on the bus and you knew nothing about him. Got off the bus and learned he loves Nirvana so much that he bought every one of their albums and that he has to start work at 9. It's 8:00 right now. So he's a stickler for punctuality.

See? Nothing to be scared of. You'll discover who he really is when you meet him.

Be your best self, be positive and uplifting (very attractive qualities), dress well for the occasion and, for safety reasons, meet in a public place and tell someone you trust where you're going to be.

You'll do just fine. 🙂

 

[boltnrun]

Just out of curiosity, did you tell your mom about this date? If so, was she enthusiastic and encouraging or did she respond negatively?

[Seraphim]

Girl, you’re not telling anyone your whole life or interviewing for a husband on a first date. Grab a coffee at the local Starbucks and get out of your headspace for a while. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  Meet at a safe place as others have suggestion such as for coffee, for example.  Get to know him better and ask him questions then.  (Drinking, smoking, health habits, lifestyle, interests, background, family, etc.)

Whenever I went out for casual first meetings,  I intuitively knew whether or not this "date" was worth seeing a second time or more.  First impressions are everything.  Generally, you will know if this guy is a good person.  I pay attention to EVERYTHING.  If he ticks all the boxes, he's a keeper and if he doesn't, it's a no-go. 

You don't have to tell him your life's story.  If you're uncomfortable answering questions, make him talk about himself instead.  Ask him questions and let him do the talking.  Everyone loves a great listener.  Change the subject back to HIM if he asks you questions you do not wish to answer.  Keep the conversation flowing towards him.  This is a trick I've used many times and it works great regardless of gender because people love nothing more than to talk about themselves endlessly.  Try it.  It works.  

It's only a waste of time if you didn't take the time to eliminate some guys from your test.   

[HeartGoesOn]

I'd lose the negative attitude, as you have nothing to lose by meeting him for a cup of coffee.  As long as you meet in a public place, tell friends/relatives where you'll be, and avoid giving him private information unless in time this goes any further 

Think positive.

[Alex39]

Thanks for the support. I'm actually looking forward to it now. Excited and nervous. I think my biggest fear is that I'll like him on our date and he won't like me and he'll be disappointed in how I am in person. It's happened to me so much. It makes you feel so unworthy. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks for the support. I'm actually looking forward to it now. Excited and nervous. I think my biggest fear is that I'll like him on our date and he won't like me and he'll be disappointed in how I am in person. It's happened to me so much. It makes you feel so unworthy. 

So what if you two don't hit it off? Last month you didn't even know he existed. 

Focusing and worrying about whether or not he'll like you is a defeatist approach and one that won't help you find the right man for you. And shouldn't that be your goal? To find the right man for you? If he doesn't feel the same click that's just proof he's not right for you.

Did you tell your mom about this date? If so, how did she respond? And is she generally critical of your personality or how you interact in social situations?

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks for the support. I'm actually looking forward to it now. Excited and nervous. I think my biggest fear is that I'll like him on our date and he won't like me and he'll be disappointed in how I am in person. It's happened to me so much. It makes you feel so unworthy. 

Get out of your headspace for a while. You are making yourself a wreck. 

[MissCanuck]

Go and enjoy yourself, Alex. 

And whatever you do - do not run back and report to your mother. 

[Seraphim]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Go and enjoy yourself, Alex. 

And whatever you do - do not run back and report to your mother. 

Agreed. Mom doesn’t need to know squat. 

[Batya33]

I'd tamp down the expectations from "excited" -you're meeting a stranger in person.  For all safety and practical purposes you two are strangers - my expectation would be that you will meet a new person and hopefully have a pleasant conversation.  That is all.  Anything beyond that you risk sabotaging by your body language/vibe reflecting this "excited" notion about meeting a stranger in person to see if you two have enough in common to see each other again.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

my biggest fear is that I'll like him on our date and he won't like me and he'll be disappointed in how I am in person. It's happened to me so much. 

You're FB friends? So he knows what you look like, right? Just don't talk about marriage, family etc. Relax and get to know him.  Maybe it gels, maybe not. That's ok. 

[lostandhurt]

Be smart, be safe and most of all be yourself not the person you think he wants.

 He is probably nervous too so relax and keep it simple.  It is a first meet with a stranger so do as the ladies above recommend.

 Keep your phone face down or in your purse (If a woman checks her phone on a first meet with me it does not bode well)

Don't be shy about asking questions about him.

Do you smoke at all?  If it is a dealbreaker don't budge on your standards.

Do you use any tobacco products (chew, dip etc)

How long have you been single?

These don't have to be straight out questionnaire type interactions.  "I don't smoke, how about you?"  Is a good way to ask a question while also letting him know something about yourself.

  I am sure it will go just fine but keep your expectations low and remember you get to choose who you date as it is a mutual decision.  You decide and he decides, you don't owe him anything just because he showed interest in you.

 Let us know how it goes

 Lost

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're FB friends? So he knows what you look like, right? Just don't talk about marriage, family etc. Relax and get to know him.  Maybe it gels, maybe not. That's ok. 

I'm nervous. My Facebook photos, I was a good 30 pounds lighter and skinnier in them 

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm nervous. My Facebook photos, I was a good 30 pounds lighter and skinnier in them 

You don't even know this guy, so why let him ruin your life?

You're doing what my mother called "borrowing trouble". You're getting yourself so worked up you won't even be able to relax and enjoy yourself. Worrying about something that hasn't happened and probably won't happen.

Why are you sabotaging yourself like this? Do you hear your mom's voice inside your head telling you you're "not good enough"?

Be your own cheerleader (I know you know about cheering!). You're going to be bright and fun like you know you are, and this man will either be fun and a potential good fit or he won't be. Either way, you'll be fine.

I've asked twice and you haven't answered so I'll try asking again...did you tell your mom about this date? How did she respond if you did tell her?

[Alex39]

56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't even know this guy, so why let him ruin your life?

You're doing what my mother called "borrowing trouble". You're getting yourself so worked up you won't even be able to relax and enjoy yourself. Worrying about something that hasn't happened and probably won't happen.

Why are you sabotaging yourself like this? Do you hear your mom's voice inside your head telling you you're "not good enough"?

Be your own cheerleader (I know you know about cheering!). You're going to be bright and fun like you know you are, and this man will either be fun and a potential good fit or he won't be. Either way, you'll be fine.

I've asked twice and you haven't answered so I'll try asking again...did you tell your mom about this date? How did she respond if you did tell her?

Thanks. I know. I need to be my own cheerleader. I'm so used to just doing it for others.

I told my mom that I had been chatting with someone I met on Facebook. She weirdly reacted negatively telling me to protect myself, to research him, and even criticized him to me of the things I told her about him. She ruined my vibe. This was about a week ago. 

So I stopped telling her about him and I didn't tell her that I have a date. Its my business. 

[boltnrun]

I'm not surprised your mom was negative. I am surprised that YOU are surprised. Seems like your mom being her usual self.

And her being constantly critical doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She just has some idea in her head that you need her to dictate your life or you'll fail.

My mother was overly critical of me because, she said, she didn't want me to become a "spoiled brat". So she went too far to the other extreme. However she also taught me to have a backbone so I just kind of zoned out whenever she started in on me. I didn't let her kill my buzz.

I suggest you don't share with her anymore. She's just going to be negative and get you into a tizzy of anxiety, self doubt and fear. Who needs that?

Relax, be yourself and enjoy your date. Even if it turns out to be a no go at least you had the experience.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm nervous. My Facebook photos, I was a good 30 pounds lighter and skinnier in them 

Well that's concerning if this is a date, but he may overlook it. Do not grill or interview him. There's no reason to vet him as a partner at this point. 

Do not ask him about smoking or anything insinuating that this is a future husband interview. It's pretty rich to be deceptive yourself then ask about if he has bad habits.

You could use more friends your age so even if it's not a romantic connection, be polite and skip the nosy judgemental questions.

When you get home, get a good profile and accurate recent flattering pics on quality dating apps. There's no point posting pics from 30 pounds ago then freaking yourself out about meeting in person. Be yourself.

[Batya33]

I think your weight gain would be an issue if this was a dating site. I met men who posted photos where they were noticeably thinner and I didn't care for the misleading impression and I met several men whose number one complaint was misleading photos especially about weight. 

This is very very different- my facebook profile photo shows me about 30 pounds heavier  at least so much so that a high school friend tried to get me to sign up for beachbody and I explained I was 8 months pregnant in the old photo.  No I didn't try to date with that photo and when I did online dating my photos showed me within 5 pounds or less of my weight (my weight never fluctuated past that).  

He has no reason to believe that you were misleading him -he may look very different too.  This is not a dating site. If you go on dating sites I'd be 100% accurate with photos or as close as possible.  Surprises like that are no fun. 

This is just meeting a stranger and please chill a bit about it. 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm nervous. My Facebook photos, I was a good 30 pounds lighter and skinnier in them 

You also mentioned that he looks good on some pics and not on others so dunno why didnt you at least make a video call and talk a bit. That way there are no surprises on both ends, acts as a safety precusion as you will confirm identity and actually talk to him.

Also, relax. He agreed to a date based on talk, dont think he is that shallow to take offence on a few kg more. Have fun and keep us informed.

[gamon]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm nervous. My Facebook photos, I was a good 30 pounds lighter and skinnier in them 

Well there it is. He's expecting to meet a woman 30 lbs lighter.

No wonder you're nervous.