Is my mother right or just overprotective?

[midnightdeirdre]

As I’m sure you all know, I’m autistic and I live at home with my parents. 
 

A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I called my guy friend, Griffin, and we talked for a bit. It got very late, 1:30am. He invited me over to go for a walk. I didn’t go, I got a headache and took an advil and went to sleep. 
 

I told my mom about this the next morning and she was appalled. Said to leave the house so late would be disrespectful to her and Dad, and that my dad probably would’ve had a heart attack. 
 

Thing is, when I’ve met friends for dinner and then went back to their house my mom has always said, “if you’re going to be later than 12pm, call.” So, how is leaving the house after 12 pm any different from just leaving at house after 12pm?

And of course she didn’t believe that Griffin just wanted to go for a walk, she said he just wanted sex. Said “I hope you have respect for yourself!” I’m like, “I do, I do!”

So is my mom over-protected or is she right? Both?

[Seraphim]

Walking about alone at night is dangerous.  Nefarious characters come out at night . Rapist, sex trafficking,robbers. They come out at night because they are less likely to be seen .  Well they do come out at 12 PM they are less likely to because everybody going to work coming home from work going wherever they’re going are more likely to see the nefarious people .  Disappearing in the middle of the night from your home is disrespectful and scary to the people who live with you . 

[melancholy123]

I dont see it as disrespectful but rather I see it as stupid unless you drive.  Do you have a car?  If you are walking then it could be a bad idea depending on where you live.

[midnightdeirdre]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

 Disappearing in the middle of the night from your home is disrespectful and scary to the people who live with you . 

Even if I had woken her up and said, “Mom, I can’t sleep. Griffin just asked if I wanted to come over for a walk. I’m gonna stop by and be back in 2 hours.”

[midnightdeirdre]

1 minute ago, melancholy123 said:

I dont see it as disrespectful but rather I see it as stupid unless you drive.  Do you have a car?  If you are walking then it could be a bad idea depending on where you live.

Yes I have a car. I would’ve driven over to his house, and then we would’ve walked around his neighborhood. Our town is small and not known for crime. 

[waffle]

42 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

. . . thing is, when I’ve met friends for dinner and then went back to their house my mom has always said, “if you’re going to be later than 12pm, call.” So, how is leaving the house after 12 pm any different from just leaving at house after 12pm?

I'm not sure what the question is.  Are you asking what's the difference between leaving the house after midnight (I assume that is what is meant by 12:00 p.m.?) and coming home after midnight?

From what I can gather, it sounds like your parents want you at home in the wee hours of the morning and if you aren't, they want to know where you are and with whom.  As is their right.

[midnightdeirdre]

9 minutes ago, waffle said:

I'm not sure what the question is.  Are you asking what's the difference between leaving the house after midnight (I assume that is what is meant by 12:00 p.m.?) and coming home after midnight?

From what I can gather, it sounds like your parents want you at home in the wee hours of the morning and if you aren't, they want to know where you are and with whom.  As is their right.

Yes; how is leaving the house at 1:30am and coming back at 3:40am any different from leaving for dinner at 7pm and then coming back home at 3:40am?

Ok…good to know it’s their right to know. 

[Seraphim]

They are worried about your safety. Worrying as a parent doesn’t end when your child is 18. You worry until they put you in a box. 

[midnightdeirdre]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

They are worried about your safety. Worrying as a parent doesn’t end when your child is 18. You worry until they put you in a box. 

Cute…even my mom said that she heard, “Asking a mother to not worry about her children is like asking water not to be wet.” I guess that’s true!

[Seraphim]

21 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Cute…even my mom said that she heard, “Asking a mother to not worry about her children is like asking water not to be wet.” I guess that’s true!

Absolutely. There is zero end to parenthood once you are a parent. It is life long . 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

is my mom over-protected or is she right? Both?

It's not about right or wrong. It's their home and if they have rules, then that's the way it is. If your parents want to be made aware of your coming and going, then do that. It's good you are open with them, so just compromise.

[SooSad33]

I can see this both ways..

1) I'm sure you are adult enough to decide if you want to go out & see a friend.

2) yes, your mother is concerned you being out that late- dark - and who knows what's out there.... BUT....

I have an autistic son and he pretty much does as he wishes... and yes, I do prefer him to inform me if he does not come home after work. It is a relief to know all is okay- on my end.  But, yah, he sometimes goes by his dads for dinner or out with a friend for a while ( a few hours, rarely overnight).. Anyways, in your circumstance, as long as you left them a note, should be enough and if/when you returned, let them know you've come back as well.

Is all respect & communication, basically.  So, maybe mom can try & view this in a different aspect.  Remind her you are an adult and should be allowed to go out for a while 😉 

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, walking, especially as a girl, in 1:30am is dangerous. Its not something anybody would reccomend you to do because, well, as much as we like to brag that we are living in a decent civilized society, stuff happens that proves you otherwise. I had a friend that lived not so far away from center of town. If somebody of us wouldnt walk with her home after we go out, she would take a cab. Purely from safety reason. You are autistic but you need to undertand that you would need to protect yourself and not take your luck with stuff like that. 

Also, I dunno how much of a friend you are with the Griffin fellow, but nobody would "go for a walk in 1:30am" just like that. He maybe wants something more.

[midnightdeirdre]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Also, I dunno how much of a friend you are with the Griffin fellow, but nobody would "go for a walk in 1:30am" just like that. He maybe wants something more.

I went to high school with Griffin, so obviously we’ve known each other awhile.

He actually came to my 33rd birthday dinner; after the restaurant we all went back to my parents house for cake. He and I then slipped out and went for a walk down by our old high school. I made the mistake of not telling my parents what we were doing. My mom caught up with us and Griffin went home. My mom thought it was weird that we did that. He also brought a bottle of beer with him to our house, which she also thought was weird. 
 

lol so was my mom overprotective in that circumstance for thinking everything he did was weird? 

[jul-els]

Leaving the house in the middle of the night is disrespectful to your parents because they are housing you and would have no idea of your whereabouts. Your mother isn’t being over protective about this, she loves you and is concerned with your safety.   Walking the street at 1:30 am is not a generally safe thing to do, as predators and criminals prefer to come out under cover of darkness and could be anywhere. As far as your 33rd birthday goes, it was inconsiderate of you to leave without letting your parents know you were going. That’s why she thought it was “weird”.

[Kwothe28]

58 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

lol so was my mom overprotective in that circumstance for thinking everything he did was weird? 

I dunno about the beer part(here its not considered weird to bring drink to afterparty but usually we all buy some), but sneaking from your birhday party in the middle of the night is considered rude if you had other guests there. And weird.

[midnightdeirdre]

37 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno about the beer part(here its not considered weird to bring drink to afterparty but usually we all buy some), but sneaking from your birhday party in the middle of the night is considered rude if you had other guests there. And weird.

All of my guests were leaving when Griffin and I decided to go for a night-walk. My birthday dinner/party had ended. (I know, I should’ve told my parents what he and I were doing. Obviously big mistake on my part.)

In case none of you have figured it out, I love spooky stuff. I’ve always wanted to explore and visit abandoned places. Another reason I was tempted to go for a night-walk the other night. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

n case none of you have figured it out, I love spooky stuff. I’ve always wanted to explore and visit abandoned places. Another reason I was tempted to go for a night-walk the other night. 

And if  your parents know or sense this about you that is another reason why they are upset about this sort of plan.  Their house their rules. I understand you are on the autism spectrum and I also know of people with autism who live independently of their parents so if you want this sort of freedom you describe perhaps look into other living arrangements. 

[jul-els]

52 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

All of my guests were leaving when Griffin and I decided to go for a night-walk. My birthday dinner/party had ended. (I know, I should’ve told my parents what he and I were doing. Obviously big mistake on my part.)

In case none of you have figured it out, I love spooky stuff. I’ve always wanted to explore and visit abandoned places. Another reason I was tempted to go for a night-walk the other night. 

If you cross the path of the wrong person in the middle of the night it won’t be spooky. It will be scary and will turn out badly. You won’t enjoy it and you could get seriously hurt and possibly not live to tell about it. If you’re looking for spooky entertainment, that isn’t the way to go about it. Sorry if I sound like your mom, but you need to think about what you’re doing and whether or not it’s a good idea. This is what your mother is concerned about. 

[Batya33]

When I was living at home -till age 28 -I did a lot of risky things -not drugs.  not alcohol -going out at night to the city at all hours (public transport mostly, sometimes a taxi) - yes.  Yes we'd come home middle of the night and we'd call our parents from a payphone (1980s-90s) to tell them where we were and when we were coming home. 

Never ever had any issues with safety (but I did at other times) but --- I never went out in the middle of the night -leaving the house then -my parents wouldn't have let me as anyone especially a boy who wanted to meet that late presumably was up to no good.  Yes, sometimes we left to go out at 10 -the clubs didn't get started till 11 really - my parents put up with it but I was with large groups of people usually who I knew.  These were group outings and if it was a date typically they knew the guy and it was planned in advance -it wasn't some guy calling me or suggesting we meet middle of the night.    

[1a1a]

The potential for the invitation to be nefarious (that is to say, an invitation from the little brain rather than the big one) certain increases past bed time. 
 

You know your friend and you know your neighbourhood though. In my city of 2m people, I walk around by myself late at night. Mostly I see no one. And there are a few suburbs I wouldn’t do that in, and one suburb has a track record for sexual assault but it’s far from where I walk. (When I travelled around the country I continued my late night walking ways, although I felt a bit anxious walking alone. When I go over seas I’ll put a stop to it though. Those places could be safe too but better not take the gamble.)

 

Having said all that even if your mum is being illogical, you know she’d freak out if she woke up and you were gone though so obliging no late night adventures while you live with her would be a kindness. Maybe you could ask old mate to come to you and you two could pace up and down your street, in hollering distance from the house with a note on the table saying as much. 

[RelaxByWater84]

4 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

 

In case none of you have figured it out, I love spooky stuff. I’ve always wanted to explore and visit abandoned places. Another reason I was tempted to go for a night-walk the other night. 

I love spooky stuff as well.  I loved growing up next to cemeteries.  There was one that I was not to go in since some of the tombstones shifted and could have come down on me.  There were times I was tempted to go in and explore but I waited until the caretakers had fixed them.

Tbh I don't meet people after a certain time since I live in a not so well lit area and like to be able to see all around me.  I've read a lot on situational awareness and one of the first things they said was to prevent putting yourself in situations where there is the potential to be in danger.  So even if you move out the burden of personal safety is on you.

I just wanted to add that when you go urbexing that you should go with a group of people you trust. There are a lot of scenarios that could come up that there is indeed safety in numbers.  

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't consider this a matter of 'right' or 'wrong,' but rather of respect for my parents who allow me to live with them. 

My Mom explained it to me this way when I lived with her, "I want the security of knowing where my family members are before I go to bed. I don't want the stress of knowing that you might pop out of bed in the middle of the night and leave the house. That's why my rule for living here is that you can't do that."

So it's not about the law, it's not about who is 'right,' it's about the right of a homeowner to impose a rule for living in their home with them.

[Cherylyn]

I'm a mother. 

Your mother is concerned about your safety and it's not about "trust."  It's about genuine concern for your safety as her top priority and will be forever as most mothers feel the same way.

Being with friends or a group is a lot different than 1:1 especially very late at night in particular. 

You don't want to find out how a disastrous, tragic or traumatic evening can unfold if you're at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I have a memory to share with you.  I was at a hospital late at night when my sister gave birth to her third child.  After her son was born, I asked her girlfriends if I could walk out with them to the parking lot at 2AM.  I still had to pack lunches for myself for work, pack lunches for my school age sons and go to work.  Obviously, I wanted to feel safe walking out to the parking lot in a group which is a no-brainer.  Then my habitual idiotic BIL (brother-in-law) said to me, "Walk out by yourself!  No crusty old geezer from the nearby retirement community would want to rape you!"  He has a typical 'mouth problem' for decades.  I defended myself by reminding him that it's unwise to walk alone.  He continued argue with me senselessly.  Finally, the nurse couldn't tolerate this heated argument any longer and she said that I was right, the hospital had assaults, rapes, robberies, burglaries and car thefts in their parking lot and they've had to call the police numerous times.  With the nurse's retort, my BIL grudgingly grumbled under his breath because the nurse came to my defense.  Hence, I walked out of the hospital with a group of my sister's girlfriends and drove home safely.  I called my husband beforehand and told him that I was en route to home. 

Better safe than sorry.  I'm with your mother.  It's better to have smart prevention than deal with terrible regrets later.  It's not worth the cost.  Your life is precious.

[mylolita]

Hi Midnight,

 

This would be worrying for any mother even if their daughter didn’t have autism. The fact you also have autism is adding extra levels of protectiveness and probably completely justified from your Mum.

 

She is coming from a place of love and care and I don’t think she is trying to confuse you or stifle your freedom.

 

Do you drive? I love the night and am a night owl too. I would never ever go walking out alone in the middle of the night, even in the safest of places, but I will get my fix by cruising around and listening to music. I also probably know subconsciously I’m safer in my car.

 

If you Mum has curfew rules I would definitely respect them, regardless of whether you agree with them or not. Or maybe try to discuss something with her so you can do something “spooky!” get it out of your system once a week but, in a safer way!

 

This boy also does sound like it was going to try to take advantage of you.

 

x