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Is my mother right or just overprotective?


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I agree it's weird to ask someone to come over at 1:30 a.m. But if this guy has always just been a platonic friend and never tried anything then I wouldn't straight away just jump to the conclusion that he wants to hook up. There is a small number of people who are nocturnal and up all night, like for example one of my close friends who has ADHD. He stays up until like 5 or 6 a.m. then sleeps until late afternoon unless he's working. 

If I'm going to be honest, when I lived with my parents I hated them having things like curfew (not often) and trying to tell me what to do. They even did it when I was an adult as well so that's why I moved out when I was 23 lol

I think also when someone has autism parents sometimes try to "baby" them. But unless that person has severe autism and/or intellectual disability and doesn't understand logic or things about safety then I think they need to have some freedom as an adult.

Personally I think if you're in your mid 30's you should be able to go out later but you need to be safe about it and respectful to your parents. If you're driving then it's a lot safer than walking that time of night and you can lock the car doors. Also when you leave and come back you need to be very quiet so that you don't wake your parents. 

I understand they're worried about you but it needs to be within reason as well. 

Do you mind me asking why you live with your parents? You are not able to live on your own or with roommates? Is your autism high functioning?

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16 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I called my guy friend, Griffin, and we talked for a bit. It got very late, 1:30am. He invited me over to go for a walk. 

It's ok to call a friend if they happen to be up at that hour. But you didn't go anyway. Do you tend to be impulsive? 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

agree it's weird to ask someone to come over at 1:30 a.m. But if this guy has always just been a platonic friend and never tried anything then I wouldn't straight away just jump to the conclusion that he wants to hook up.

I agree.  And her parents who let her live there rent free are entitled to find it inappropriate and have concerns about her leaving middle of the night.  

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59 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree.  And her parents who let her live there rent free are entitled to find it inappropriate and have concerns about her leaving middle of the night.  

Actually we don't know if she lives there rent free or contributes to any rent or bills. I think it's OK to express their concern but when your child is actually an adult in their mid 30's they are actually allowed to do what they want. However that would be different for someone with intellectual disability or maybe more severe forms of autism. Or someone who's very impulsive for whatever reason (e.g. manic) and unable to make logical decisions.

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Actually we don't know if she lives there rent free or contributes to any rent or bills. I think it's OK to express their concern but when your child is actually an adult in their mid 30's they are actually allowed to do what they want. However that would be different for someone with intellectual disability or maybe more severe forms of autism. Or someone who's very impulsive for whatever reason (e.g. manic) and unable to make logical decisions.

No -not if she is living in someone else's home.  Their home, their rules, their child to boot.  IMO.  If she is paying rent then she should move out and pay rent on her own where she can meet up with people whenever she likes. They may also know she likes going to abandoned places and it seems at times when it is not safe to do so.

In my apartment building we have quiet hours.  I don't have to live here if I want to have loud parties at 1am.  For example.  

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46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No -not if she is living in someone else's home.  Their home, their rules, their child to boot.  IMO.  If she is paying rent then she should move out and pay rent on her own where she can meet up with people whenever she likes. They may also know she likes going to abandoned places and it seems at times when it is not safe to do so.

In my apartment building we have quiet hours.  I don't have to live here if I want to have loud parties at 1am.  For example.  

I don't think going to the friend's house is an abandoned place though. It is unusual to go for a walk at like 2:00 a.m. but if it's a guy and a woman walking it's a lot safer than the woman just walking alone. In my opinion the parents can have rules like: "Don't invite anyone to our home later at night" and "Be quiet when you go out late". But they can't really stop her from going out because she's in her mid 30's. They actually have a curfew for her and you can't have a curfew for an adult. In my opinion.

I understand that parents worry but in all fairness when someone lives out of home, they could be doing God knows what and they have no idea. At least because she lives at home, they know what she's up to and where she went.

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My son is Autistic as you know. He pays rent to live at home . I would be very dismayed if he simply took off to go wandering around in the middle of the night without any plans whatsoever or telling me he was going so if anything happened I would know where to start looking for him or tell police to start looking for him. 

I am not saying hold someone hostage because they have a disability but respecting the people you live with is necessary. 

We are going on a holiday in a few days. I left home over decades ago I still tell my mom we are going , what we will be driving and what hwys in the unlikely event something happens to us at least she knows to tell the police a place to start looking. 
 

This is about safety and making good decisions and respecting people we live with. 

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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I understand that parents worry but in all fairness when someone lives out of home, they could be doing God knows what and they have no idea. At least because she lives at home, they know what she's up to and where she went.

It's not fair of her to live there and flout their rules especially in the middle of the night.

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5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

My son is Autistic as you know. He pays rent to live at home . I would be very dismayed if he simply took off to go wandering around in the middle of the night without any plans whatsoever or telling me he was going so if anything happened I would know where to start looking for him or tell police to start looking for him. 

I am not saying hold someone hostage because they have a disability but respecting the people you live with is necessary. 

We are going on a holiday in a few days. I left home over decades ago I still tell my mom we are going , what we will be driving and what hwys in the unlikely event something happens to us at least she knows to tell the police a place to start looking. 
 

This is about safety and making good decisions and respecting people we live with. 

I agree with you that the person needs to let their parents know what they're doing but that doesn't mean they can't do it. If she let her parents know she was going to the friend's place, gave the address just in case for example. She also drives and has a car so obviously was deemed medically and mentally fit to drive. I think there's a difference between that and just taking off in the middle of the night without saying anything.

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4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I agree with you that the person needs to let their parents know what they're doing but that doesn't mean they can't do it. If she let her parents know she was going to the friend's place, gave the address just in case for example. She also drives and has a car so obviously was deemed medically and mentally fit to drive. I think there's a difference between that and just taking off in the middle of the night without saying anything.

Well, exactly.  If you tell somebody what you’re doing and where you’re going and when you might be back that’s not the issue .  Just taking off in the middle of the night with no plans and no telling anybody is not good decision-making and disrespectful .

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22 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Well, exactly.  If you tell somebody what you’re doing and where you’re going and when you might be back that’s not the issue .  Just taking off in the middle of the night with no plans and no telling anybody is not good decision-making and disrespectful .

Well we don't know if she was going to tell her parents all the details because she actually didn't actually go to meet her friend at 2:00 a.m. so the situation she's discussing is more hypothetical. 

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4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well we don't know if she was going to tell her parents all the details because she actually didn't actually go to meet her friend at 2:00 a.m. so the situation she's discussing is more hypothetical. 

I think she was asking why she even needed to bothered telling them because 1 AM is like 1 PM. Theoretically, it shouldn’t be different but the reality of the scary world is different. Even in the day if I go out I inform however is in the house I am on my way out. I see it as common curtesy so people are not worried . 

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I actually have a big pet peeve about strict and overbearing parents because my parents were like this and it drove me completely mental and I hated it. 

They said that I was basically not allowed to have any friends over, or extremely rarely just because they didn't like people coming over to the house. But yet if friends invited me to stay at their house, my parents were happy about it and said I should go. Then my friends would ask when can they see my place and I asked my parents and they'd mostly just say "no". Or they'd pick and choose and say that "They only like such and such friend so only they can come over, not the others".

I wanted to move out in my late teens/early 20's but my parents were very pushy and said they basically didn't allow me to move out until I finished my university degree. 

Even when I was 18/19, they tried to stop me from going out and going to my boyfriends place. They'd say I couldn't sleep over at my boyfriend's place but I was actually an adult. Also I went out to a club with some friends when I was 18 and my parents said they didn't like it and I was grounded! Again, I was an adult.

My Mum called me on my cell phone all the time just to chat and asking where am I, what am I doing, who am I with. She continued doing this until I was in my mid 20's. It was embarrassing because my friends asked why does my Mum call me all the time?

Also if I didn't pick up the first time, even though I had voicemail she then just continued to call a few more times rather than leave a message.

This is provided I lived at home and she saw me all the time at home anyway.

Oh another thing she did when I was going out was say I had to give her the phone numbers of people I was going out with. And if I didn't answer straight away then she called or messaged them instead! It was super embarrassing and being treated like a child in my 20's.

For this reason I can't stand overbearing, overly strict parents, it's a huge deal breaker for me.

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15 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually have a big pet peeve about strict and overbearing parents because my parents were like this and it drove me completely mental and I hated it. 

They said that I was basically not allowed to have any friends over, or extremely rarely just because they didn't like people coming over to the house. But yet if friends invited me to stay at their house, my parents were happy about it and said I should go. Then my friends would ask when can they see my place and I asked my parents and they'd mostly just say "no". Or they'd pick and choose and say that "They only like such and such friend so only they can come over, not the others".

I wanted to move out in my late teens/early 20's but my parents were very pushy and said they basically didn't allow me to move out until I finished my university degree. 

Even when I was 18/19, they tried to stop me from going out and going to my boyfriends place. They'd say I couldn't sleep over at my boyfriend's place but I was actually an adult. Also I went out to a club with some friends when I was 18 and my parents said they didn't like it and I was grounded! Again, I was an adult.

My Mum called me on my cell phone all the time just to chat and asking where am I, what am I doing, who am I with. She continued doing this until I was in my mid 20's. It was embarrassing because my friends asked why does my Mum call me all the time?

Also if I didn't pick up the first time, even though I had voicemail she then just continued to call a few more times rather than leave a message.

This is provided I lived at home and she saw me all the time at home anyway.

Oh another thing she did when I was going out was say I had to give her the phone numbers of people I was going out with. And if I didn't answer straight away then she called or messaged them instead! It was super embarrassing and being treated like a child in my 20's.

For this reason I can't stand overbearing, overly strict parents, it's a huge deal breaker for me.

I am almost 56 my mom daily asks what I am doing etc . I haven’t lived at home in over 32 years . 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think they are being ridiculous asking that she tell them when she is going out she lives in their house. Don’t want to be asked leave home , period. 
 

Are you saying if you had a child and at night they just screwed off you wouldn’t be worried no matter the age ? If they never returned home you would have zero clue even where to look. 

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1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

I am almost 56 my mom daily asks what I am doing etc . I haven’t lived at home in over 32 years . 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think they are being ridiculous asking that she tell them when she is going out she lives in their house. Don’t want to be asked leave home , period. 
 

Are you saying if you had a child and at night they just screwed off you wouldn’t be worried no matter the age ? If they never returned home you would have zero clue even where to look. 

No, I think you should tell your family where you're going but you should not be prevented from going. My Mum fortunately now only messages me every 2 - 3 days and she doesn't actually ask where I am. 

I agree with what you said that if an adult is living at home and they want more freedom, they should move out.

I also think though there needs to be a balance of being a caring parent and being top overprotective.

Also I've noticed from my job with people with mental health and disabilities that sometimes their parents really coddle them and act like their adult child actually can't do anything and that's not the case.

I work with a 22-year-old woman with an intellectual disability which in my opinion is not severe and she has different capabilities. She's an extremely shy and anxious girl and also herself seems to be of the belief that because she has a disability she's completely unable to do anything and has no opportunities in life except sitting at home doing nothing. Her disability isn't that bad but her brother for example said to her: "You're never going to get a job". I work with people with more disabilities than her who actually do have a job.

When I first started working with her, she said she enjoyed eating sushi and Subway so I took her to get some. She then told me she was top scared to talk to the staff member and order sushi and Subway. She said when she goes there with her family they always just order for her and she just hides behind them. I was thinking, what? She's perfectly capable of ordering it herself. She seemed to expect me to order it for her but I just stood back and said: "OK so what sushi would you like? Just point to the ones you want and say what you want to get". She was hesitant but told the staff member. Then I kept doing that in Subway and sushi places every time. Now she's confidently ordering there all by herself.

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I think it's perfectly reasonable for her parents to tell her that first going out middle of the night is not ok other than in an emergency like going to the ER to help a friend out, etc.  Their house, their rules.  It's a risky time to go out especially for a woman.  

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3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

No, I think you should tell your family where you're going but you should not be prevented from going. My Mum fortunately now only messages me every 2 - 3 days and she doesn't actually ask where I am. 

I agree with what you said that if an adult is living at home and they want more freedom, they should move out.

I also think though there needs to be a balance of being a caring parent and being top overprotective.

Also I've noticed from my job with people with mental health and disabilities that sometimes their parents really coddle them and act like their adult child actually can't do anything and that's not the case.

I work with a 22-year-old woman with an intellectual disability which in my opinion is not severe and she has different capabilities. She's an extremely shy and anxious girl and also herself seems to be of the belief that because she has a disability she's completely unable to do anything and has no opportunities in life except sitting at home doing nothing. Her disability isn't that bad but her brother for example said to her: "You're never going to get a job". I work with people with more disabilities than her who actually do have a job.

When I first started working with her, she said she enjoyed eating sushi and Subway so I took her to get some. She then told me she was top scared to talk to the staff member and order sushi and Subway. She said when she goes there with her family they always just order for her and she just hides behind them. I was thinking, what? She's perfectly capable of ordering it herself. She seemed to expect me to order it for her but I just stood back and said: "OK so what sushi would you like? Just point to the ones you want and say what you want to get". She was hesitant but told the staff member. Then I kept doing that in Subway and sushi places every time. Now she's confidently ordering there all by herself.

My son just says, “  hey mom headed to Subway or Tim’s “ I call back see you soon. I drive him to his cards several nights a week. 
 

From the OP’s threads over the years she has had many and varied experiences including employment and relationships. I am not sure if she is impeded or feels impeded. I think it is just basic respect and safety you tell people when you are headed out . 

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Just now, Seraphim said:

My son just says, “  hey mom headed to Subway or Tim’s “ I call back see you soon. I drive him to his cards several nights a week. 
 

From the OP’s threads over the years she has had many and varied experiences including employment and relationships. I am not sure if she is impeded or feels impeded. I think it is just basic respect and safety you tell people when you are headed out . 

Yes that for sure. I think it's fine for parents to say -no going out after midnight just to hang out with a friend (she could facetime after all)-it also might wake them/keep them up.  

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes that for sure. I think it's fine for parents to say -no going out after midnight just to hang out with a friend (she could facetime after all)-it also might wake them/keep them up.  

I mean I understand her wanting a spooky experience because I like that stuff but tell someone you are going. My husband and son see no need to go out at night unless it is an emergency. My son hates being out in the dark. He feels it is unnatural. 

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's perfectly reasonable for her parents to tell her that ... going out middle of the night is not ok ...

Yep. My folks would not appreciate me waking them up at that hour to tell them I'm going out, AND if they want their inside locks to be re-locked, they'll need to get up to do that.

Not everyone is on smart locks, and not all locks work with a key.

Point is, owners of a home have a right to set their own rules. If an adult doesn't want to live by those rules, then it's time to negotiate the move-out date.

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10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep. My folks would not appreciate me waking them up at that hour to tell them I'm going out, AND if they want their inside locks to be re-locked, they'll need to get up to do that.

Not everyone is on smart locks, and not all locks work with a key.

Point is, owners of a home have a right to set their own rules. If an adult doesn't want to live by those rules, then it's time to negotiate the move-out date.

My husband and I had conflict over this as adults especially when my son was a baby and sleep was precious for both.  He wanted to come back late at night from a social outing which would have risked waking me and/or the baby and he saw it as controlling that I wanted to know when he'd be home (like would it be by 11 or 1am, etc) so I could figure out whether to stay up and wait and make sure all was quiet when he came in or decide on a nap during the day -I had a really hard time falling asleep knowing he might come home any minute and wake one or both of us. It was almost better if he stayed out extra late so I'd be in a deep sleep.

He wanted to come and go as he pleased  to an extent that wasn't always ok with me -and I wanted him to to the extent that I was the stay at home parent but there was a limit. (This only happened when we visited our home town for the summer mostly - so it wasn't constant and he was a night owl and loved long meals with friends as did they - the last several years have been fine in this regard and I sleep better now with an older child!)

The OP wants to come and go as she pleases in a house where there are two other people who likely have a sleep routine and need their sleep and whether it's rational or not knowing someone could be leaving at 1am or is leaving and not knowing when that door is going to open again or whether the alarm was set or not etc is unnecessarily stressful - unnecessary because most people don't need to go out for social outings leaving the house after midnight.  

He didn't want to be on the clock so to speak, he didn't understand my difficulty falling and staying asleep - because I was on high alert having a baby and new mom anxiety etc.  He didn't get it.  Like the OP doesn't get it.  I wasn't being arbitrary or controlling from my perspective.  I was guarding the little sleep I could get and our child's ability to sleep.  

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I find this very interesting as I think the time when my three are going to be having me worrying myself sick with the door swinging back and forth like a Wild West saloon will come too me faster than I imagined! 
 

Two daughters as well - which adds an extra layer of worry! 
 

My gut is telling me that I won’t be ultra strict, but that I will want to know where they are, who they are with; a number for who they are with. And I will always offer to take them and pick them up. It will probably be different for my son who is the eldest but I do think it is different with girls. 
 

Hopefully with 22 months between the two younger girls they maybe could go out together sometimes but in reality I know this won’t often happen. Unless they have one of those beautiful, close sibling relationships! Or my girls could go out with their brother. He is already very protective of them.

 

Anyway, I am off track here as per!

 

I don’t think people realise how they will feel and what they will do until they have been a parent and in a parents shoes at this stage of their child’s life. I look to other people posters who have late teenagers and especially @Seraphim as you have first hand experience with autism, which I imagine adds another layer of vulnerability.

 

@SooSad33I think you also mentioned a child with autism? 
 

I understand Tiny, at 18, you are an adult, and I get your frustration. I felt the same way. But I moved out at 18 because I understood I couldn’t have had it both ways - their house but not their rules. My Dad always stressed independence and they didn’t expect me to take off and leave. 
 

I understand everyone’s situations are different. Not many people can leave home young these days - living is very expensive. 
 

I do agree with @Batya33as well - if you really disagree with house rules the only answer realistically is to move out.

 

At 18, some girls are women. Some girls are still girls at 25. Some boys don’t become men until they are 30. Some are men at 14. Maturity level and ability to go off into the world on your own happens for everyone at different times.
 

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I also say “I think” I’ll be that way as a parent in response to something like this because, as I am quickly finding out, parenting and other things in life you plan for, and imagine you doing in a certain way, sometimes don’t turn out like that.

 

I might end up being the mega strict one - HA! 
 

I would have a convo about this with your Mum and explain your side of the situation. Maybe you two can come to some kind of a compromise for now? 
 

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You never really know a person no matter how long you've been friends with them. There's so many examples of women/young girls being killed or taken advantage of by the people they called their "best friend". I'm a 22 year old woman, and it's dangerous for any woman to be out by themselves at night, let alone 1:30 am. The level of unknowns, dangerous unknowns, tend to emerge at midnights. I know you're an adult and you can do what you want, but you're still living in your parents' place, so you should respect their curfews. Of course, I didn't appreciate hearing you being accused that you're going out for sex with him, but at the end of the day, they're coming from a place of love and want you to be safe. After all, it's better to be safe than sorry. None of my male friends would logically think to walk with me at such a late time, so I can't help but think something's fishy,

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