Feeling unimportant

[Adam Gagnon]

Hello everyone. I would like to have honest opinions on an argument that ended a relationship recently. My girlfriend’s birthday was coming up next month, and I asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday to start a dialogue on it and figure out what she was wanting to do. To my surprise she told me she was planning to go out of state with another friend to visit their friend that moved recently. It hurt my feelings because the way I looked at it was birthdates are important and I would want to spend my birthday with my significant other, and to her it was no big deal. When she first told me I was caught off guard and didn’t know quite what to say, so I waited and slept on it. When I woke up I still felt hurt that including me in her birthday plans didn’t seem to matter to her so I decided the best thing I could do was be honest and tell her that it hurt my feelings, as it made me feel unimportant. I understand it is her birthday, she can do whatever she pleases. This was not a matter of me wanting to control what she was allowed to do, it was a matter of me feeling unimportant to her. After I told her this she said she understands and tried to say she wasn’t putting anyone over anyone else but that’s how it felt to me. The conversation quickly went to her asking for space. This wasn’t the first time I had felt unimportant to her. Am I in the wrong for having hurt feelings over this 

[greendots]

How long have you been together and what age group are you both? Not wanting to spend your birthday with your partner is a big red flag, in my opinion. Exceptions, not being able to due to work or an emergency, or if she had gotten flight tickets before you guys became an item.

Is she making you a priority in other ways? I would reconsider this relationship if she isn't doing so.

 

[Kwothe28]

Does she has something planned for you two after she gets back? For example dinner to celebrate her birthday? I can see why you felt hurt if she didnt even think to celebrate it with you.

How long is the relationship? If its not the first time she probably doesnt think of the relationship as something that meaningful to her. Hence why she was quick to suggest for space after you decided to air your grievances. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Adam Gagnon said:

To my surprise she told me she was planning to go out of state with another friend to visit their friend that moved recently. It hurt my feelings because the way I looked at it was birthdates are important and I would want to spend my birthday with my significant other, and to her it was no big deal.

You need to realize that growing up, we tend to have friends in all corners.  We should not feel we 'owe' anyone re: expectations - no matter what our friends may assume/expect.

No matter what I do, I do it my way.  If I choose to go out with one friend to do something, I will.. If I choose to have a group of friends to do something with, I will.  And if I choose to go be with family instead, I will. - No matter what anyone else may think.

You need to try & see it this way.  Your friend owes you nothing on what she chooses to do.  Try to get over this, because it will not be the last time either, I'm sure.

How about contacting other friends to do things? Not expect a whole lot , like this from this one?

And regarding getting her something, if you choose, you can still do that. I'm sure you'll still see her sometime before or after she returns.

 

( and what do you mean a 'significant other'?  Are you two involved?).

[Rose Mosse]

I think birthdays are something you celebrate with your significant other. I mean really… who needs gifts. There’s that one person that can show you how much you’re loved in ways others can’t. Having said that, spending time with friends and family is important too. People usually do both and enjoy time with significant others and other loved ones. 

What stood out to me is that you’ve felt unimportant before with her and she asked for space abruptly after you shared how you felt. It suggests deeper issues that aren’t yet resolved. Maybe you disagree about your future plans or the way other things are going in your relationship. That gap in understanding lowers your ability to empathize or want to work together and you split over other matters like this.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Adam Gagnon said:

The conversation quickly went to her asking for space. 

Why is her birthday all about you?

What's wrong with her spending it with friends? Why spoil it with your ego?  On top of that she has to plan it for you?

How long have you been dating? You're incompatible. It's that simple.

[Batya33]

How long have you been dating? (It matters- maybe she made these plans a year ago and it's a friend group thing they do).  I agree with Kwo28 that it's cool if she does that and  then something separately with you.  My sense is she doesn't see you two as serious and you do see this as serious.  As someone else posted -Rose? -it's not just about the birthday.

[smackie9]

So there are other issues that came before that are similar to this. You should come to the realization that this makes you two incompatible. It's her birthday, she can do whatever she wants. My landmark birthdays I went out with the girlies. My husband went to Barrett Jackson auction on our anniversary. We are both ok with it. I even had an ex BF that would go on fishing trips on his birthday...why would there be anything wrong with that? If it irks you every time she wants to do something with out you, you need to find a girl that is more suitable to your expectations. 

[Andrina]

Knowing myself, before my significant other even asked, I would've explained why I would be spending my birthday visiting an out of town friend, and why that timeframe was convenient to do so, and then told him alternative dates that he and I could celebrate my birthday.

Her not revealing in place plans until you asked shows she's not serious about you. And an even more significant sign of this was saying she needed space instead of the normal communication couples engage in to resolve issues.

Space never resolves anything. She wants out and saying she needs space instead of using the word "breakup" is what she thinks will delay the drama, or lessen it, if you argue the point.

Hold out for the woman who doesn't need space from you--ever.

[greendots]

The answers have shown me how different we can be. For example, not spending a special occasion with your partner is a big red flag for me. For me it's a given that we'd be together. But other's are fine with such an arrangement and that's okay. 🙂

All in all, she wants to do her own thing on her birthday and you don't. Perhaps it's time to find a woman who is more compatible.

 

[catfeeder]

Since asking for space is something she's done before, it sounds as though she's punitive with that.

Speaking only for myself, that would be my signal to give her permanent space.

As for the birthday issue, consider whether the exact day was the real problem, or whether the whole thing just smacked of exactly what she's doing now--distancing from you.

She doesn't sound like the right match for you. I think you deserve better, don't you?

[Adam Gagnon]

On 6/6/2022 at 7:09 AM, Batya33 said:

How long have you been dating? (It matters- maybe she made these plans a year ago and it's a friend group thing they do).  I agree with Kwo28 that it's cool if she does that and  then something separately with you.  My sense is she doesn't see you two as serious and you do see this as serious.  As someone else posted -Rose? -it's not just about the birthday.

I understand what you are saying. This was planned well after we were already dating. Had it been planned before we started dating, it would have been a completely different story. We first started seeing each other at the end of January. We were only together around 4-5 months which isn’t a very long time but she had spoken of seeing me as someone she could marry, she had brought up living together in the future, discussed kids and told me she wanted to see me everyday.

[Adam Gagnon]

On 6/5/2022 at 10:45 PM, greendots said:

How long have you been together and what age group are you both? Not wanting to spend your birthday with your partner is a big red flag, in my opinion. Exceptions, not being able to due to work or an emergency, or if she had gotten flight tickets before you guys became an item.

Is she making you a priority in other ways? I would reconsider this relationship if she isn't doing so.

 

I am 23 she is 21. We had only been dating for about 4 months which I understand isn’t a long time, but she had told me I was someone she could see herself marrying, had talked about kids with me and living with me, wanting to see me everyday etc. She had planned this trip well after we were already official which I said in a previous reply if these were preexisting plans it would have been a completely different story. And she did not make me feel important to her prior to this. I’ll spare every last detail but she had eye surgery at one point, in which I took care of her everyday for roughly two weeks. I did eye drops for her roughly 10 times a day, I made food for her, picked up food for her helped her get dressed go to the bathroom etc., very shortly after I did all of this for her I had a tremendously bad day at work, and asked her if we could hangout when I was done. After I got off work I called her, and she asked if we could hangout the next day because she had to do laundry and take a shower. This was at 8:30 pm, while she did nothing during the day but sleep. That also hurt my feelings very deeply

[Adam Gagnon]

On 6/8/2022 at 12:04 AM, catfeeder said:

Since asking for space is something she's done before, it sounds as though she's punitive with that.

Speaking only for myself, that would be my signal to give her permanent space.

As for the birthday issue, consider whether the exact day was the real problem, or whether the whole thing just smacked of exactly what she's doing now--distancing from you.

She doesn't sound like the right match for you. I think you deserve better, don't you?

She was very inconsistent with me. You can see my previous replies where I discuss some of the stuff she said and another time where I felt unimportant to her. Her actions didn’t seem to line up with her words. Ex: saying she could see herself marrying me and wanting to see me everyday but then being completely fine using any excuse to not see me, even if I had a bad day, so I definitely believe all of that played a role into how I felt about the birthday plans. I also didn’t say this in my original post, but I did want her to be able to see her friends and celebrate with them. I didn’t want to hold her from seeing them. It just hurt that not seeing me on her actual birthday didn’t seem to matter to her, because I would want to spend my birthday with the person that I was dating and would plan around that

[wealthydior]

I think that you are not compatible, that is, you are young and your expectations from the relationship are different. You’re more emotional while your girlfriend wants a little more hook-up. I mean by saying a hook-up a casual relationship.

[Adam Gagnon]

2 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

I think that you are not compatible, that is, you are young and your expectations from the relationship are different. You’re more emotional while your girlfriend wants a little more hook-up. I mean by saying a hook-up a casual relationship.

My only question to that would be why would she talk about marriage, having kids, moving in together saying she wants to see me everyday etc if she was looking for a casual relationship? I also asked her before we became official what she was looking for and asked if she wanted something casual like hook ups or an actual relationship  and she said a relationship

[Batya33]

Four months in is a bit too soon to assume she’d ditch the trip for her bday 

[greendots]

4 hours ago, Adam Gagnon said:

I am 23 she is 21. We had only been dating for about 4 months which I understand isn’t a long time, but she had told me I was someone she could see herself marrying, had talked about kids with me and living with me, wanting to see me everyday etc. She had planned this trip well after we were already official which I said in a previous reply if these were preexisting plans it would have been a completely different story. And she did not make me feel important to her prior to this. I’ll spare every last detail but she had eye surgery at one point, in which I took care of her everyday for roughly two weeks. I did eye drops for her roughly 10 times a day, I made food for her, picked up food for her helped her get dressed go to the bathroom etc., very shortly after I did all of this for her I had a tremendously bad day at work, and asked her if we could hangout when I was done. After I got off work I called her, and she asked if we could hangout the next day because she had to do laundry and take a shower. This was at 8:30 pm, while she did nothing during the day but sleep. That also hurt my feelings very deeply

She isn't that invested in you. At least, that's what her actions are showcasing going by what you're telling us.

What are her good qualities? Because at the moment, quite frankly, her actions don't seem to match her words.

[Cherylyn]

Hello Adam,

Both of you are mismatched.  You are more invested in the relationship than she is.  She wants more freedom outside being a couple with you. 

When I dated my husband when we were exclusive, we celebrated our birthdays, went to our friend's house for backyard barbecues, had wonderful outings and it was great.  We had friends as couples and separate friends, too.  There was balance.  However, we had a mutual understanding in advance and there were no arguments about this.  We are compatible. 

If at 4 months, you are distressed and your relationship is complicated, it is bound to fail.  It's abnormal not to have harmony when you're supposed to be in love. 

When both of you have a quiet moment, agree to have a lengthy discussion (with zero distractions) about what is bothering you and she should tell you what she wants in the relationship.  Be a good listener.  Compromise or yield.  If she still insists upon space, then give it to her.  If she refuses to resolve any issues with you, too much space could lead to breakup.  Be prepared for either scenario.  

[maew]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Four months in is a bit too soon to assume she’d ditch the trip for her bday 

Agree… mind you I’m a lot older and have been married once already… I have friends that have been in my life for decades, and if they wanted to take me on a girls trip on my birthday I would absolutely go and make alternative plans with my partner to celebrate at a different time… he knows this about me and not only accepts it but would help them plan it.

4 months is hardly any time in the scheme of things… that’s 16 weekends… try not to put so much pressure on the relationship, enjoy the process of dating and live your own life.  Alternatively, if you are this unhappy after only 4 months, it’s probably a sign that she is not the one for you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Adam Gagnon said:

My only question to that would be why would she talk about marriage, having kids, moving in together 

Because she's immature and talking romcom-speak. Obviously at 16 weeks dating you're not going to get married, have kids, move in together,etc.

You're taking all this way too seriously. You're dating. Her birthday is not about you.

What's the problem with her having a fun trip with her friends, (who she knows a lot longer than you) and you two doing something some other time?

It's time to reflect if you are compatible. You seem butt hurt no matter what she does and have a preconceived notion that she owes you.

In the future talk about real things that are in real time, not unrealistic talk.

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Adam Gagnon said:

My only question to that would be why would she talk about marriage, having kids, moving in together saying she wants to see me everyday etc if she was looking for a casual relationship?

Because a lot of people get carried away with the fairytale, OP. Especially when they're as young as she is, and still inherently pretty naive. 

They talk the talk, but don't really want to walk the walk. Her behaviour is telling you that you can't take all of that very seriously (which you shoulnd't anyway, after only 4 months) 

You two are not compatible. 

[Andrina]

There is a good reason you don't consider moving in with someone or getting married before a year in. The first year, you're learning all about a person, well beyond the honeymoon period.

And here you are, only 4 months in, and already observing many things you don't like about her. Well, what are you going to do with that information? She's apparently a person who doesn't meet your needs, so free yourself to meet someone who does.

[wealthydior]

Like you said, she may have wanted a real relationship with you, not just hanging out. But she might just want someone she can call “my boyfriend” while you want more commitment. To tell the truth, I too can be in a relationship sometimes just to feel alive.

[Graystation108]

I'm about your guys' age, and I guess in terms of birthdays, it really depends on the person. My boyfriend of almost 3 years wants to spend time with me during my birthdays, but he's totally fine with it if I had something else in mind. It's also the same for his case. This year, I'm competing in a national competition on the day of his 23rd birthday, so he'll be doing something else with his friends or whatever he wants. With that being said, we always make plans for each other to celebrate regardless if it's on the actual day or not. I see where you're coming from and I'd like to celebrate birth dates with my boyfriend as well, but I'm not gonna hurt if he decides to do something else. After all, it's his day

From what you're saying, it seems that there's an imbalance between you guys, with you being committed and her being like "I like you, but I'm fine with not seeing you for a bit" kind of thing. For that to happen so early on in the relationship is quite a red flag. Just a tip, don't take your current, or potentially any future partner's words too literally during the honeymoon phase (I'm talking maybe the first 6 months of being together). People can feel certain things when they're on cloud 9, but the feelings can change after that, sometimes drastically

 

On 6/10/2022 at 12:27 PM, greendots said:

she had eye surgery at one point, in which I took care of her everyday for roughly two weeks. I did eye drops for her roughly 10 times a day, I made food for her, picked up food for her helped her get dressed go to the bathroom etc., very shortly after I did all of this for her I had a tremendously bad day at work, and asked her if we could hangout when I was done. After I got off work I called her, and she asked if we could hangout the next day because she had to do laundry and take a shower. This was at 8:30 pm, while she did nothing during the day but sleep. That also hurt my feelings very deeply

From what you wrote here it does indeed seem that she's not really compatible with you. You did everything a great boyfriend would do here but it's an effort for her to even come hang out with you. If things are already going wrong at 4 months, and looking at how she addressed your concerns, I highly doubt that this relationship will last. And even if it does, it won't be a healthy one. I think the best thing to do is end the relationship and find someone who cares for you like you did for this girl. Also try not to take your partner not wanting to spend her birthday with you too personally, your partner is still her own person and has her own group of friends. As long as she shows you that she wants you in her life and makes the effort, it's no big deal