Found out he was cheating 1 week after moving cross country to live with him

[Anna09]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How is the job search going?

Yes . I went out and put some applications in stores and restaurants , and i applied in indeed to Mor than 10 places.  I try to keep it at the place that ate not too far so i can take the bus since i don't have a car for now.  I will give a fellow phone call to each place i applied at in couple days if they don't call me. 

[Anna09]

This is what happened last night

He got home from work and he said let's just get food delivered and no need to cook dinner at home.  So he ordered from our favorite restaurant. I was like I'm my mind karts juke try to keep peace and enjoy this meal and forget for a moment about all this. 

About 1h after ordering he looked on the delivery App, and he was like it's about to be delivered in 3 min,  and after about 5 min and nothing arrived . He looked again and he said oh No , the food was being delivered at this "other address".

He apparently have another address saved on his delivery app because he delivered food to that address in the past and the last time he got delivery  was to that address. 

I asked who is address is that address anyways, and he was is for " friend is my friend Carlos" . I just said okay.  I know good friends Carlos and i been at his home more than 3 times and i know rusts not his friends Carlos adress and he don't is a friends of a friend

Anyways he try to fix the address but the delivery  person said he is on a bike and is far from our address.  

So he suggested to just go out and eat eat around the house,  we did that. 

While we were seating at the table cross from each other. He has his phone facing up and a phone call from a someone named "Sofia" was coming in.  He responded because i already saw the name,   he talked to her  but i didn't understand a thing he was saying as he talked in Spanish ( that's his native language and we are in a city where a lot of people speak that language ) .

His face got enlightened and he was all smiles and giggles talking to her . And after he finished the phone call.  He told me that she will check and see if the food at her door and she will send it.  

I was like why is it for at her house.? And why do you have her address saved in your phone? And he said she is a good friend of my friend Carols and they have a nice pool art her apartment complex and  last time i went there with Carlos and another friend to swim and i ordered food to that address.. what is bullsh***.

And he said " are you jealous sweetheart" 

I good him no I'm not , but don't i have the right to know why is an address of another women in my boyfriends phone. 

And there was a huge shift in the mood and he noticed and than said what is wrong with you and i said nothing, but than he is like you are "weird"

And i was like good is the 3rd time you telling me I'm weird and is becoming insulting. 

Anyways after dinner we came back home, and no one did anything anymore about this Sofia or what Happen and i just stayed on my computer applying for jobs.  While he was on his phone.  In silence.

How many womens this man have on the side im not sure and it just makes me feel horrible.  I was crying after that while he didn't even noticed .

 

[boltnrun]

I understand his actions are hurtful, but it just emphasizes how crucial it is for you to find a job so you can rent a room and get out of there. 

Of course the longer you stay the more you'll find out. So the key is to get that job and save up enough to get out. Hopefully you'll find something in the next few days.

[Jaunty]

Why are you detailing the experiences you are having with him that hurt you?  

I understand that it hurts and I feel for you - but you know exactly what you are dealing with.  As long as you stay there, you will be dealing with the same things every day, because this is who he is and it's the situation you are in.   

You either need to get out of the situation, or get used to it and find acceptance.  

If you are serious about moving out, you CAN get help from a friend.  I don't believe that there is absolutely no one amongst all the friends and family you have who can front you some money to help.   You are a US citizen who completed your professional education here, and you have work history here.  You are not completely isolated.  

I understand you are in the USA now.  Almost anyone can get a job everywhere.  Employers are desperate and hiring people who are not even qualified.   Perhaps you should just apply for jobs that have nothing to do with your career.  Once you sort out this crisis, you can seek an appropriate position with good future potential.  This is an emergency, unless you are privately planning to just stay in the situation you're in.  That's actually an option, but you will have to accept the reality of who / what you chose.  

 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Are we all forgetting it takes time to find a good job? It might take 3-4 weeks to land interviews.

OP I'm sorry you are going through this. It's very hurtful and really crappy... And his audacity to answer the phone. Hah!

You do you. Put your best interest first, and leave when you get that job. It's difficult to talk, kiss, and sleep with this serial liar, but you are doing the best for you now. Hopefully, this is the eye opening experience for you. You are worthy of more.

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Are we all forgetting it takes time to find a good job? It might take 3-4 weeks to land interviews.

It depends on how critical the situation is for the OP. If she wants to hold out for the perfect job or one in her field, yes, it will take at least a few weeks. But if she wants to get out asap because she can't tolerate his cheating and deceptive behaviors, she can get a job for now and work on finding a career position later on.

I've done that. I needed a good paying career position but at the time those were scarce. So I accepted a part time job as a cashier at a big box store just to have some money coming in. Then I found warehouse work which surprisingly turned into a career position as I moved up in the company. But if I'd held out for the ideal position I would have waited months, and I didn't have months.

Anna, it's entirely up to you of course. If you can tolerate finding more and more evidence of his cheating and can tolerate pretending you don't know while HE pretends to be oh so in love and devoted to you then of course you can take your time and be picky about jobs. But if you are finding yourself more and more upset, anxious and hurt, I'd recommend just finding some kind of job for now so you can get out asap.

[MissCanuck]

You need to get away from this man as soon as you can, OP. 

You already have all the proof you need that he's not a good person. You are being manipulated and deceived constantly. 

I agree with the above - take whatever job you can find for now, just to raise enough funds to get out of his house and into a room somewhere. 

 

[Anna09]

I'm not been picky about what Job i get.  Of course i would love to get a job with my degree but i know very well or could take months for that to happen  as i Don't have any experience surg my degree yet.   I been applying all day to restaurants, stores, gold clubs and even temporary agency staffing .

I can't stay and don't want to be here.  I feel very depressed, anxious, uncomfortable, awkward, fake  all time and it hurt me so much to see the way he is with other women.  It's really taking a toll on my mental health too. I had already depression and trauma from past event not related to him , but this is isn't hopeful and or drives me crazy.  I need to get out asap and go get help withmental health as i really had good intention with him and had my hopes up just to crush.  

Right now he is been out for his supposedly have a work meeting for 1h our 1.5h and it's been hours. He texts saying he is still at the meeting.  But how can i believe him anymore. 

[MissCanuck]

58 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

Right now he is been out for his supposedly have a work meeting for 1h our 1.5h and it's been hours. He texts saying he is still at the meeting.  But how can i believe him anymore. 

You can't, and you shouldn't. 

There is likely so much more you don't know about him yet, and none of it good. Let that propel you forward as you follow up with any job leads and make plans to get out. 

[DancingFool]

Aside from looking for any job at all for the time being, be sure that you also continue to focus on finding a job you trained for in your field. For that, please register with your Uni career services and work with them to apply for appropriate jobs.

Employers who are willing to hire and train people starting out in their careers at entry level positions are typically recruiting through the universities directly and won't even bother posting job listings on general job boards like Indeed.

Also, if you had any favorite professors, be sure to reach out to them and see if they can help you. In smaller programs, they can be a great resource and refer you to a job. You have to network sometimes like that to get that first job in your field.

Finally, make sure that your resume is formatted properly to be easily read by AI programs. If a computer can't read your resume, recruiters and hiring managers will never see it, even if you are the best candidate out there. As a general rule, if you are not getting any responses, your resume needs work.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Anna09 said:

How many womens this man have on the side im not sure and it just makes me feel horrible.  I was crying after that while he didn't even noticed .

The man you dreamed up in your head long distance and the man you moved in with impulsively is not the same man. You know this.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to get away from this man as soon as you can, OP. 

You already have all the proof you need that he's not a good person. You are being manipulated and deceived constantly. 

I agree with the above - take whatever job you can find for now, just to raise enough funds to get out of his house and into a room somewhere. 

 

Yes this - it does take time to find employment.  I think even a temporary battered women's shelter would be preferable.

[Andrina]

Why don't you have a credit card? They are handed out like candy and you definitely don't have to be financially well off to get one. You said you left friends where you're from. Would not one of them give you money for a long bus ride and money for water and food for the trip to go back to where you're from? Could you ask for your old job back? Do you have possessions like jewelry you could pawn to get money for a bus ride? Why would you set up a home in a place you've only been in for 2 weeks?

I'm assuming he will soon want to be intimate and you would assume by the time you got a job and and a first paycheck, you won't be able to get out of there for 2 or 3 months.

I hope you've learned in the future to never be dependent on a man for shelter, and that dating locally is better for getting to know the reality of who a person is. But don't date until you get yourself squarely sorted out. You need time and distance away from this man, and to work on your skills navigating living independently, before being ready to date again.

And as mentioned, it can't hurt, and might help, to speak to personnel at a woman's shelter. They might have resources you don't know about when you explain your predicament. Take care.

[Anna09]

I keep applying  for more jobs and looking into rental rooms.  And he keep saying to dont worry about finances, he will take care of everything finnancially until i start working. But it's not just about money or finances. What's hurting me more is that i out my entire trust in him and believed everything he sold me.  I just never imagined that hw will do such a thing and he the one that kept insisting that trust is the main and the most important thing in a relation , and we need to be honest 100% witth each other and tell each other what's going ... and he still on that notion as of today . And his last relation supposedly ended because his ex cheated so he knows the pain you cause someone by cheating but still did it anyways.  

I told him before i moved for months and months while planning the move.  The importance of honesty and that I'm putting ending in the line for this and moving because i really loved him and trust him and have faith in him.  And i told him how we musy support, respect , care,  and treat earthen with kindness and empathy and  he agreed 100% on everything just to fund our after 1 week in that all that was just bullsh***. It hurt and it make me feel like a failure and so disappointed and heart broken . 

[Batya33]

You trusted a stranger with your essential basic needs.  You listened to sweet words from someone you only met in person a few times and you used words back but you never watched his actions over a long period of time in person -like at least a year  of regular dating - and instead you chose to take these highly risky actions for some reason.  Once you are able to leave find ways to get therapy for why you would put yourself in such danger.  So it's not repeated.  You are a victim and you also chose to put yourself in a really dangerous situation.

[boltnrun]

I know it's hard for you to understand, but some people are liars. You're honest and would never deliberately hurt someone so it's difficult for you to realize some people don't care about anyone's feelings but their own. And they can justify their behavior. But I guarantee if he thought you were seeing someone behind his back he'd have a fit. Not because he loves you so much but because he thinks only HE is allowed to break the rules.

Just keep focusing on the job search and minimize your interactions with him as much as you can. If he asks, just say you want to find a job because it would make you happy.

[wealthydior]

Liars are everywhere and I know it’s hard to live with a liar but just stay motivated to get a job. You should be quick though. And don’t be so hopeless if a friend reaches out to you ask them for money. You see you gave money to someone you only saw one-two times. I think your 3+ years of uni friends can lend you money.

[Jaunty]

It's important that you reach out to your friends and family.  Stay in close touch with people close to you.  They'll help you get through this.  Don't stay isolated in this unhealthy situation.  

I know this sounds pretty weak under the circumstances, but this is temporary.  Soon it will be in your past.  Your feelings are intense about it, but it really has been a small piece of your life and it will fade away faster than you are expecting.   

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Anna09 said:

What's hurting me more is that i out my entire trust in him and believed everything he sold me.  I just never imagined that hw will do such a thing

Unfortunately, you have learned the very hard way that this was a big mistake. 

Moving forward, you need to do a better job protecting yourself and not blindly trusting people you hardly know. I realize you were in a vulnerable place and really hoping to be loved, but as adults, we have to temper those urges with good, old-fashioned common sense. 

There are plenty of people out there who will take full advantage of folks who aren't as street-wise and discerning. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Anna09 said:

 it make me feel like a failure and so disappointed and heart broken . 

Your relationship was a disney fantasy until you crash landed in this reality. You expected a prince charming to improve your life but then went through his messages and became jealous. Leave or don't leave. You don't want to leave because you're still attached to the fantasy.

 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't want to leave because you're still attached to the fantasy.

I think this is accurate, because you haven't taken one bit of advice to get out of there ASAP.

[Anna09]

No im not really  attached it s just gard for me to process all this . And i admit it hurts because i put so much effort into this. But i see the way he is and it makes me miserable and just want to get out .

I did fellow the advice as i applied to 30 places all together . And today i received 3 invitations for interview at 3 different restaurants. This is all i can do for now , is to look for work and look rooms for rent .  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

 i admit it hurts because i put so much effort into this. 

Yes, you overinvested. But if he is not who you wanted him to be and feel is he is untrustworthy you can change that by opening your eyes and moving back home.

[Anna09]

Yes you are right i over invested and i call so stupid for that.  And i feel so miserable to be with someone that thinks I'm not good enough and pursuing other women for him and keeps pretending to love me. 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

Yes you are right i over invested and i call so stupid for that.  And i feel so miserable to be with someone that thinks I'm not good enough and pursuing other women for him and keeps pretending to love me. 

Please stop saying you're not good enough. He did this BECAUSE HE IS A CHEATER, not because you're not good enough.

Why are you blaming yourself for how a person who lies, cheats and has no morals behaves?

25 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

And today i received 3 invitations for interview at 3 different restaurants.

That's terrific news! Now, be sure to go in with a positive, cheerful attitude and an enthusiasm to work. Don't go in sad sack and saying you just need a job so you can leave this liar you're currently stuck living with (I'm sure you wouldn't do that lol). Smile and be engaged. Remember, these interviews are opportunities to get out of a bad situation. Plus, you never know who you'll meet working there. There may be some wonderful young people who work there who could become friends and even potential roommates.

Good luck!