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Found out he was cheating 1 week after moving cross country to live with him


Anna09
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I met this guy on a vacation almost 1.5 year ago. We kept contact and we saw each other in person 2 times for couple weeks after the initial meeting. I traveled to see him both times. each time and everything was great. Last time we saw each other he made it clear he wants me to be his girlfriend officially and he wants a future together and he is very serious about things. All his family, friends, coworkers know about me and met some of them . 

He insisted on moving together for months and months and finally i said yes. I never wanted or plan to move to the city where he lives but i wanted to give this shot , i felt like i finally found someone that loves me for who i am and care about me. , affectionate, loving, caring , protective what do i need more   me the one that never been loved before or cared for  now i have someone. 

I left my job and my friends and  moved cross country to another State. City and with very little money i worked hard to save . Everything is great like in a fantasy always caring and affectionate . But 2 days ago my phone start acting up and he said he has an extra phone i could use until i get new one and when i went through the phone he gave me i found a contact under "friend"and when i read the text it seems like he text a phone number he found on some website for sex where you pay for that . He gave her his name and and ask how it will work and how much are the prices. And than  there was another contact number under "milf" where he Text her " hello baby how are you doing " and another contact number with a girls full name where he gave her his address and she was coming over and she even texted him when she was outside his apartment and 10pm. The same date i looked up our texts him and i and he told me he was asleep . All these compensation happened about a month  after i was with him . Visited him   spend his bday with him and made our relation official .

I felt hurt and dessapointed and stupid to believe that someone can love me . I have just different feelings  . I didn't tell him anything yet.  But he noticed that something is off about me.  And he asked but i said i have migraines . But it was hard to look him in the eye and just didn't want him to get any where near me or touch me at all.  I just got here to his place a well ago. I don't have a Job yet.  I don't really have money either i had to pay for a lot of things for it new place.  I don't have any family to go to . And don't know what to do.  I don't know if this is really bad or I'm just freaking out.  I'm not sure if i Skype just tell him or pretend i don't know.  I don't even know is this is called cheating . But i know i wouldn't do that to him.  I would never do silent to hurt him.  I feel like something has broken and i just can't look at him the same.  I'm so dissapointed . I thought what we had was special. He is very nice to me and treats me really well and he says he loves me so much all that didn't change.  No one ever treated me the nice way he does and i do the same in return. I tater him very nicely.  I. Cook and clean for him and I'm very supportive and affectionate.   But i don't know where to go from here. I sideways felt i want good enough to be loved.  I'm okay looking not nor the most pretty or cute girl . But i have a good and kind heart. I thought finally i found someone.  But now i m really lost.  I feel like my world has crumbled down on me.  Please help!

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16 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

I don't know if this is really bad or I'm just freaking out.  I'm not sure if i Skype just tell him or pretend i don't know.  I don't even know is this is called cheating . But i know i wouldn't do that to him.

I think it's really bad, and that you should be freaking out. But I also think that you should stop freaking out as soon as possible and start taking steps to get back home. Don't let lack of money and lack of a job stop you. Those are temporary situations. Call some friends, call family. Get a plane ticket, a bus ticket, crash on a couch or two, pay them back. 

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Posted (edited)

I feel so blindsided and sort depressed with all this and i feel like I'm not sure where to start and if i should let him know i read those texts . And what his reaction will be like . And i am gonna have to move immediately after telling him kwnoig i don't have anywhere to go .  I'm just kinda off afraid of what's coming as i put some much effort to move and worked hard to save money and i gave up on the city i wanted to live in  just to move here . 

And the worst out of all this that everything we talked in the past he will insist how much trust is the most important thing in a relationship. Abs that his last relation ended because his ex cheated on him.  

 

Edited by Anna09
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Posted (edited)

Yes i don't have any family at all in the USA.  I'm originally european with an american second nationality . And my family in Europe can't help me financially. 

And my apartment lease ended right before i moved here with him.  And i don't have enough money to get new place and flight ticket and go back to my city.

Is so hard to believe he is a very nice,  friendly, caring person.  All his friends and coworkers and just about everyone respects him alot and think so highly of him and trust him. 

Edited by Anna09
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Can you ask your family for help?

I know my family would absolutely help out in a similar situation.  In fact, my brother did.  I told him how I was trapped living with my boyfriend and I wanted to get out but I didn't have enough money.  My brother sent me the money the very next day.  I paid him back over time.

I'm sure your boyfriend is "friendly".  But caring?  Would you ever do something like what he's doing?

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My family really can't help.  My brother still a college student . I'm actually the one that help him with money  . So that's not an option at all.  

No i wouldn't do that to him . And i can't believe he did that to me.  

 

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35 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

And i am gonna have to move immediately after telling him kwnoig i don't have anywhere to go .

Make arrangements first. Then tell him (if you absolutely feel you must).

37 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

And the worst out of all this that everything we talked in the past he will insist how much trust is the most important thing in a relationship. Abs that his last relation ended because his ex cheated on him.  

You know, that's probably not a coincidence. It's common for manipulative people to 'groom' others by ensnaring then in their own honesty. 

Don't fall into that trap. Let him 'win.' Tell him, "Sorry, I lied." Let him call you a hypocrite. Who cares what he thinks? 

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Yes to be honest i think that my only way out.  I really don't have anyone i can go to or anyone that can lend me money and i have no car.  If i tell him right now i will have to move out  in thinking about having to just suppress what i feel and try to go Auth it until i have i find work and have enough to rent a small place. But it's not young to be easy.  It's hard to find my feelings and i just don't want him to get near me either.  And he already noticed something off about me.  He told me couple times the last 2 days. 

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57 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

Is so hard to believe he is a very nice,  friendly, caring person

Here's the unforunate truth, though: you don't know him very well. 

In 18 months, you've only spent a few weeks together. That's very little, and not much to get a true sense of who someone is. That only comes by spending ample time together in person. So it was easy for him to present some dressed-up version of himself to you, because you were never really there to see if reality matched. 

I understand it's hard to resist when you're in a vulnerable spot, and want something to work. However, you have learned that he is not the man you thought he was. 

The man he really is appears to pay for sex while at the same time buttering you to believe he's only got eyes for you. I would start making plans to move out. Tell him after you have your arrangements in place, so that he won't manipulate you into any more of this. 

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Posted (edited)

Yes you are right anf that what I'm thinking of doing.  I'm just  worried that making arrangement could potentially take me months. I just moved used all my savings and i dying even have a job yet.  I hehe to get one and start meeting money and trying to save while paying for rent and bills with him and its an expensive  city we are in. How can i live those few months why him like nothing happen and is all good, While he continues to pretend like the love of his life and telling his friend and family about us ..... and I'm not young anymore as I'm 31 years old. 

Edited by Anna09
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You’re very young and chose to follow someone you didn’t know well at all without being financially independent and without a wedding date or similar.  I relocated for the first time in my life in my early 40s hundreds of miles away. The only way I was totally comfortable doing that :  I was a newlywed and new mom and my husband and I loved each other very much and knew each other extremely well. And I was financially independent. Please please never make this sort of choice again without a marriage or similar commitment plus your financial independence.  It’s never worth it otherwise. 
My friend’s daughter did this for a man she met on tinder - but they’d dated in person about 6 months.  He paid to relocate her but fortunately she was able to move in with her grandfather when it quickly fell apart and she had other family in that state. So she stayed. She was lucky. 
I would start traveling back to where you came from either by bus or train etc if that’s possible and perhaps stay with a friend or family until you can get a job. 
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. 

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You will not be able to pretend everything's fine and sleeping with him knowing he's having sex with others.  Ick.

1 hour ago, Anna09 said:

My family really can't help. 

Your parents would say "no, absolutely not" if you asked for a loan of a few hundred dollars?  I would absolutely say "yes" if I was asked by my child.

Look for a roommate situation as soon as you get a job.  And get a job asap, even if it's just temporary or not exactly what you want to be doing.  Cashiering, waiting tables, etc.

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I only have a months and she is sick not working.  She wouldn't say no if she could but I'm the one that helps paying for her hospital bills and she is in east Europe. 

I just feel like everything is a lie . Everyone he said he loved me and acted a future was a lie. And everyone in the only one for him and how much he likes me and think I'm pretty is just a lie. And I'm not good enough and he just what i wish to hear.  And at this point I'm not sure if i want to keep treating him nice and put so much effort to be perfect for him ...i can't even think straight 

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3 hours ago, Anna09 said:

I left my job and my friends and  moved cross country to another State.

What about your friends? Can you explain the situation to one of them and ask if they can help? They might offer a couch to sleep and plane ticket money untill you find a job and move out. You'll pay them back in some ways when you got cash again.

OP what was the full plan? Job searching in his state? Was he going to cover your living costs?

And, I agree with everyone. Make your plans to move out and then inform him before you take your flight. He's a very manipulative man, and he might pull some crazy stuff. He has zero actual care for you. I'm really sorry you found out about this, and I hope it'll help you see relationships more seriously.

You got this.

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1 minute ago, Anna09 said:

I only have a months and she is sick not working.  She wouldn't say no if she could but I'm the one that helps paying for her hospital bills and she is in east Europe. 

I just feel like everything is a lie . Everyone he said he loved me and acted a future was a lie. And everyone in the only one for him and how much he likes me and think I'm pretty is just a lie. And I'm not good enough and he just what i wish to hear.  And at this point I'm not sure if i want to keep treating him nice and put so much effort to be perfect for him ...i can't even think straight 

It's not that you're not good enough.  It's that he's a lying cheater.

What about a job and then a roommate situation?  So many companies are hiring.  Right now is not the time to be picky.  Find a job, even if temporary, then search for a room to rent.

Unless you want to keep living and sleeping with a lying cheater, dust yourself off and find a way out.  You can do this.

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No he doesn't cover all my living cost her just got a new apartment and paid the deposit. And got most big furniture. But we share the rent and the bills and groceries end put my half for all.

What crazy stuff he may pull? 

 

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Right now is not the time to be picky.  Find a job, even if temporary, then search for a room to rent.

Yes , i m just gonna look for a fat in like eating tables or anything to get me out of his house and than i can look to get something .

I really can't even look at him the same way and it's so hard to be next to him the last 2 days after i found out.  And i just don't want him to touch me or get near me . Knowing he didn't care to hurt me and go seek sec and fun with other people and even willing to pay at some extend. 

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2 hours ago, Anna09 said:

Yes i don't have any family at all in the USA.  I'm originally european with an american second nationality . And my family in Europe can't help me financially. 

And my apartment lease ended right before i moved here with him.  And i don't have enough money to get new place and flight ticket and go back to my city.

Is so hard to believe he is a very nice,  friendly, caring person.  All his friends and coworkers and just about everyone respects him alot and think so highly of him and trust him. 

Are you an US citizen? What brought you to the US? Work? University? Do you have a residency/a visa?

Did he pay for your relocation expenses or offer marriage? What is the real reason you moved to someone you didn't know well?

Act like things are normal. Make plans to remove yourself from the situation. Right now you are in peril. You are homeless and acting as an indentured servant in his home. 

However tell friends and family what is happening and the mistake you made. You need to ask friends and family for money rather than sending them money.

 

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Yes I'm like a servant in his home.  Basically making all meals and cleaning after him

Yes he did talk multiple times about marriage abs he still do.  And i toothy he was serious like he pretended to be and loving caring man.  And i wanted to give this a real chance.  As i know by phone from a distance you can't really know if it's something that going to work for sure. 

I thought its 50 50 chance. But i didn't think the very respectful,  caring,  loving guy he pretended to be still be seeking sec and meeting other women while i was away when he keeps insisting that trust is the most important thing in a relation

 

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Do you have any friends back in your old town?

Can you call your old boss and ask for your old job back?

With no job and no money, do you have a credit card?  

I would usually not advise using a credit cards to live off of.... but desperate times call for desperate measures.

if you can get your old job back or just a job in your old town, use your credit card to buy the plane ticket.

Can you stay with a friend? 

Edited by Lambert
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15 minutes ago, Anna09 said:

I'm in us citizen . I came for school and work after i got residency and now I'm a citizen after few years here. 

That is a good thing. Do not contribute financially until you have a job.  Tell him that. Find a job, any job. Then  begin to plan your way back to where you wish to be. 

Yes see if you can get your old job back. Get a good profile on LinkedIn and start reconnecting to old friends and coworkers. Check job sites for any job right now. Put a passcode on your phone. 

Did you have a car, apartment and steady job where you used to live? Why don't you have credit cards? That makes no sense.

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I was a student until recently . Majoring in microbiology . But writing just in a restaurant to support my self and my family.  

I funny have credit cards because my credit isn't great.  As i have a lot of hospital bills from a past hospitalization when first i got to USA

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