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Married man attraction


Catsclaws00
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9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, you don't work together, he's a mentor and married and you're 35?

This is a 'crush on the teacher' type of situation.

If you had a BF/relationship all these "signs" you are reading into wouldn't mean anything.

So you don’t think this has even entered his head at all and all he is doing is being professional ? I just don’t agree..he must know I have fallen for him and he is playing along by not telling me to stop messaging or saying he can’t meet etc 

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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Some older dude who strokes his ego by giving some young woman just enough attention to get her to continue to look at him all gooey eyed.  Of course he doesn't want you to tell anyone.  Not because this is something private and sacred, but because he likes this source of attention that gives him a little skip in his step and makes him feel young again.  

He's careful enough to never initiate the interaction, but rather do just enough to encourage to do it.  Ultimately you are his dirty little secret and he won't even acknowledge you as a work colleague in the company of others.  Doesn't that feel insulting to you?  It should.

You didn't mention your age, but one can assume you are young.  You can't understand the seriousness or the consequences of playing around with this.  Someday when you are married, assuming with a family, you might understand.

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So he is actually playing a game ti make himself feel good ? I am planning to cut contact with him now and not initiate anything and just find other people to help support and mentor etc 

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Just now, Catsclaws00 said:

So you don’t think this has even entered his head at all and all he is doing is being professional ? I just don’t agree..he must know I have fallen for him and he is playing along by not telling me to stop messaging or saying he can’t meet etc 

What if he does know? Would that make you feel better for some reason?

You seem to want an affair with this man. I hope you've thought long and hard about the effects an affair would have on your personal life and your career. It's not going to be the happily ever after you think it's going to be. And have you even considered his wife's feelings or is that irrelevant to you?

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Just now, Catsclaws00 said:

So he is actually playing a game ti make himself feel good ? I am planning to cut contact with him now and not initiate anything and just find other people to help support and mentor etc 

Infront of work colleagues he is fine with me, actually has been quite flirty at times and people have mentioned that he seems like that. It was infront of his wife at a works party where he didn’t acknowledge me at all and stayed well back 

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

What if he does know? Would that make you feel better for some reason?

You seem to want an affair with this man. I hope you've thought long and hard about the effects an affair would have on your personal life and your career. It's not going to be the happily ever after you think it's going to be. And have you even considered his wife's feelings or is that irrelevant to you?

I don’t want an affair, I just want to know if he has ever thought of me in that way 

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8 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I just don’t agree..he must know I have fallen for him and he is playing along by not telling me to stop messaging or saying he can’t meet etc 

 Google: “de Clérambault's Syndrome”

A psychiatric syndrome characterized by the delusional belief that one is loved by another person of, generally of a higher social status.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you don't want an affair why did you say this?

Do you fantasize about him leaving his wife for you?

No not at all - I would like something physical to happen between us and then just to leave it at that and not go there again. I don’t want him to have trouble at home or not be with his wife and family - I just want to get this out of my system as I find him really sexually attractive and I think when we are together it is pretty electric. 

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Google: “de Clérambault's Syndrome”

A psychiatric syndrome characterized by the delusional belief that one is loved by another person of, generally of a higher social status.

I think you are being quite unfair. I don’t think I am delusional - I think despite the fact he is married and much older , he knows I like him and is enjoying that fact 

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21 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t want an affair, I just want to know if he has ever thought of me in that way 

It would make me feel better to know that it wasn’t all in my head (I don’t believe it is) even if we never acted on it but both recognised that the feeling is mutual I would be happy with that. I feel like I’m going crazy when I’m with him and he is so good at playing things cool but also being quite flirty when he wants to be 

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33 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

So you don’t think this has even entered his head at all and all he is doing is being professional ? I just don’t agree..he must know I have fallen for him and he is playing along by not telling me to stop messaging or saying he can’t meet etc 

Even at times when it hasn’t really been necessary to meet , he has messages to say he is free - what time can I do etc - it isn’t like he is my boss or even anything to do with my current job. I think the whole support thing is a mechanism to see eachother that we are both hiding behind. It is by no means necessary and other than talk about things he doesn’t actually help sort any of the issues other than advise 

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12 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

No not at all - I would like something physical to happen between us and then just to leave it at that and not go there again. I don’t want him to have trouble at home or not be with his wife and family - I just want to get this out of my system as I find him really sexually attractive and I think when we are together it is pretty electric. 

So you don't care at all about hurting his wife? You don't think something "physical" would be a violation of his marriage vows? You think his wife and children would be just fine with him having sex with you even if it's just once? Or do you just not care about how your actions affect others?

You didn't respond before...how do you think your mother would feel if your father had sex with another woman? How would you feel if you found out your father was having extramarital sex? 

Edited by boltnrun
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20 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t think I am delusional - I think despite the fact he is married and much older , he knows I like him and is enjoying that fact 

But you keep going on and on about if he likes you, what does this mean, what does that mean etc. Yet he has not done one inappropriate thing, just mentor. Maybe he's semi-retired and bored, who knows? So yes, it seems like an obsession.

Edited by Wiseman2
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No one here can tell you exactly what or how he thinks of you. From what you've shared, I can just as easily make a persuasive argument that he's feeling the same charge, and enjoying cultivating it, as I can that you are drowning in your own thirst. It's a coin toss. It's also a coin not worth tossing.

What's clear is that you really, really, really want confirmation that he has thought of you in "that way" and is down to act on it. What is that all about? Is there a void in you that existed before he came into your life that you're hoping to fill? Before these fantasies took hold, did you fantasize about sabotaging your life you could start fresh from scorched soil?   

Not a fun line of self-inquiry, I get it. But right now who you are is a woman of 33 spending your precious time and energy in trying to instigate an affair with a married man who you work with. If I met you at 30 would you have described this as a life goal? Assuming the answer is no, in your shoes I'd start trying to figure out what's going on with you rather than trying to excavate what's going on with him. 

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2 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t want an affair, I just want to know if he has ever thought of me in that way 

Why? What difference would it make?.  For arguments say yes he did. Now what?

No he was just playing with you. Now what?

Trying to read his mind does it change the outcome.  Nothing about this will end well.   

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6 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t want an affair, I just want to know if he has ever thought of me in that way 

hun most men in contact with an attractive woman or even just a woman will have them on their mind sexually of some sort...even be a part of their masturbation theater as I call it. There is no guessing needed. But whatever...what does it matter if he does? What benefit do you get out of it? He's married, playing that grey area of "harmless" flirtation. He gets his ego boost. and you?

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7 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t want an affair, I just want to know if he has ever thought of me in that way 

Why do you care ?  Maybe he has maybe he hasn’t. Maybe he has and then he uses that attraction to go home and make love to his wife. Who knows. Do you need to feel flattered for some reason ?  Do you have some need for this sort of male attention?

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6 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

It would make me feel better to know that it wasn’t all in my head (I don’t believe it is) even if we never acted on it but both recognised that the feeling is mutual I would be happy with that. I feel like I’m going crazy when I’m with him and he is so good at playing things cool but also being quite flirty when he wants to be 

So let’s say you get confirmation from him. This is the only way.  Think about the price you likely will pay to confirm that yes he had the hots for you at some point. 
 

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Well I understand you're really attracted to this man, sexually attracted even. And maybe you can't help that aspect of it. What you can help though and can control are your behaviours. I mean, sure, you could have an affair with him, but I don't think that really you would get anything good out of it in the end? You might fall for him more but he won't be your boyfriend. He's married so he won't be part of your life except in secret. He won't meet your friends or family most likely or introduce you to his loved ones. You would just be a secret. 

If you want to sleep with someone you can go on Tinder and probably in about ten minutes you can get sex lol

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14 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I would like something physical to happen between us and then just to leave it at that and not go there again.

If I may be blunt - you are being incredibly naive to believe that if you have sex with this man, you will able to then just walk away like it never happened. 

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16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

If I may be blunt - you are being incredibly naive to believe that if you have sex with this man, you will able to then just walk away like it never happened. 

Especially if you walk away with a pregnancy or an std. or if his wife or one of her male relatives should find out. And it will be easy to figure out where you work and perhaps live.  Good luck with that. 

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Imagine one day you're in love with a man, and he's either your boyfriend or husband. And one day you find out the guy is cheating on you. Is this behavior okay by you?

I'm guessing not, so why do you have free reign of an anything goes attitude with yourself? You're not obliged to follow the same rules in ethics as anyone else who is decent in this world? Are you missing the part in the brain where you will feel guilty for being intimate with someone who's taken? I'm trying to understand, because it's hard for me to fathom.

Do you also lack willpower with other tempting things as well, like if you have a whole chocolate cake in the house, you'll go ahead and eat the entire thing in one sitting? Is there anything you draw the line with?

I don't know what your life's been like thus far, but you're likely a third of the way through it. I'd suggest therapy if your life skills haven't gotten you where you want to be, because what you're doing will lead you into misery instead of happiness. If everyone can see this but you, you have some serious work to do on yourself. Like others have suggested, examining your own psyche instead of some inappropriate man's, should be topmost on your agenda.

 

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It's clear you want a fling with this man.  Attraction is not a choice.  It happens.  Be very careful here.  I was in your spot 2 yrs ago at a former workplace.  MM and I became platonic friends for quite awhile, although I felt extremely attracted to him. I'm very shy so I held back with anything sexual.

After 3 mos he started the flirting.  I believe he really enjoyed the attention from me.  I also enjoyed the chemistry we shared.

Our relationship at work was kept on the low down.  We met up after work hours for sex.  I was stupid!!  My need for attention however trumped my feelings of guilt and how wrong this was.

Anyway he was really mean after the sex started.  It was like he lost interest over night.  He kept mentioning other female friends all of a sudden.  Also that he was very busy now these days.  He stopped seeing me outside work without any explanation.  But he kept intermittently running into me in the hall to smile and and chat.  I was obsessed and hooked.  He dumped me but not quite.  I found out he told some of his co workers about our affair.  Men from his department suddenly started hitting on me!  How humiliating.

I believe he kept being nice to me at work so I wouldn't get upset or mad, and report him to HR.

Please don't go there with this man!.  You will feel humiliated, even after one hookup.  Your reputation will also be tarnished.  You already mentioned co workers in your office noticed the chemistry between you.

I would recommend stopping the meetings with this man and look for another mentor. It sounds like you are obsessed like I was.  Nothing good will ever come out of it!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thanks for all the comments . He emailed on Friday asking if we could discuss a recent thing I’m dealing with at work he said can we meet tomorrow to discuss.. clearly I want to see him and last time I wore something really low cut to see where he looked

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