Lap dance gone too far- is it cheating?

[Renee6]

Question- husband of 14 years who rarely goes to strip clubs (one time I even went with) went to a strip club recently went with coworkers.  He got a lap dance- however it went further than any lap dance he’s ever had before.  He was touching/groping her all over, sucked on her breasts and their mouths grazed- no actual kiss.  Is this cheating?? I feel like it is- this wasn’t her just dancing and grinding on him- he sucked on her tatas!
this really feels wrong to me. 
my frustration is that we have worked very hard on our relationship from issues on the past regarding infidelity (both times it was him who cheated ) so I can’t help but feel like this is it! time for me to bounce but I don’t know if this is really  cheating since it was a stripper and at a club.  Need advice.  

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Renee6 said:

this really feels wrong to me. 
 we have worked very hard on our relationship from issues on the past regarding infidelity.

Sorry this is happening. Why decide if it's technically "cheating"?

Why not reflect if inappropriate contact is something you want to keep tolerating in your marriage?

How do you know the details of all this? It seems You worked hard to overlook transgressions in your marriage and he perceived this as the green light to continue.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Renee6 said:

my frustration is that we have worked very hard on our relationship from issues on the past regarding infidelity (both times it was him who cheated

Ok, here's the thing: you can't work on cheating issues!!

Every time you go back to him after he cheats on you, you give him the permission to keep doing it again WHILE he has you. You give him the green light to have side sex while also have the benefits of keeping you as a wife.

Can you see that? The more you stay when he cheats, the more he thinks you're fine with it and the more he loses his respect of you.

And, I would NOT tolerate what he has done with the stripper. He crossed a HUGE line, and I'm guessing you were there? Or did you see a video? Like, how dare he!

Woman, you have let this man walk all over you and use you as a security wife. Why? Why? Do you think you do not deserve better? Do you think you can't do any better? Are you co-dependent on him? Do you not love yourself enough to value yourself more than the relationship and this man?

I personally would have left him from the first time. It doesn't matter if you "love him". It's a question of loyalty in a relationship and self-respect.

[Blue_Skirt]

What are you trying to achieve with your question? If we all say it is not cheating, you are going to stay with him and if we all say it is cheating you are going to leave him?

Fact is, he cheated on you twice, he is a cheater. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with a cheater?

[Seraphim]

Yes, absolutely. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Renee6 said:

Question- husband of 14 years who rarely goes to strip clubs (one time I even went with) went to a strip club recently went with coworkers.  He got a lap dance- however it went further than any lap dance he’s ever had before.  He was touching/groping her all over, sucked on her breasts and their mouths grazed- no actual kiss.  Is this cheating?? I feel like it is- this wasn’t her just dancing and grinding on him- he sucked on her tatas!
this really feels wrong to me. 
my frustration is that we have worked very hard on our relationship from issues on the past regarding infidelity (both times it was him who cheated ) so I can’t help but feel like this is it! time for me to bounce but I don’t know if this is really  cheating since it was a stripper and at a club.  Need advice.  

To me it would be cheating in a marriage unless the couple agreed beforehand sexual activity with a stranger was ok. 

It didn't "go too far" - he chose to have sexual contact outside the marriage.  Who cares about the context.  Even if he hadn't touched her to me it would still be cheating if my spouse danced in this way with another woman.

You seem to be stuck in the technicalities here -so if they didn't kiss it's not cheating? If it was just a lap dance that "went too far" it's not cheating?

I had a neighborly conversation with a man in our fitness center the other day.  We were alone in the room on separate equipment many feet apart.  If I'd gone over to the bicycle he was on to get the remote and deliberately hugged him from behind and rubbed my body against him but didn't kiss him would that be ok? Would my husband want to dissect the technicalities if he found out? "But I didn't kiss him and I only went closer to get the remote for the TV and it just went too far!!"  Please.

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Renee6 said:

I don’t know if this is really  cheating since it was a stripper and at a club. 

Is that what he’s telling you? “It’s not cheating because she was doing her job”?

Unfortunately it seems being in this dysfunctional marriage has taken a toll. I’d reconsider whether it’s a marriage at all.

[redswim30]

No one here can you tell what YOU consider cheating.  Everyone is different and has different boundaries.  It's why some couples have open marriages and don't consider sleeping with other people cheating when other couples would consider a slight peck on the lips cheating. 

Does it really matter where it happened?  What if he sex right in front of you, would you brush that off cause it was in a club?  Then how far do you go from there, cause there ARE men that say things like, " Well, she was just a prostitute, so it didn't count!"  What are YOU willing to tolerate and excuse?

My opinion, Yes, I think your husband is a cheater.   The real question is, what do you plan to do about it?

 

[smackie9]

He's still that same guy....it's one thing to have one moment of weakness/drunken episode...that can be forgivable, but it's another when history repeats itself. He's a serial cheater. This is one time you know about...

Once is forgivable...but twice? Come on. Boot him to the curb. 

[Lambert]

sounds to me, like you have twisted yourself and your own ideas and values to keep this relationship going. Losing your compass in the process.

as @redswim30explained, it is up to each person to decide what is acceptable to them.

I can tell you, for me, this is cheating and very disrespectful to you and your relationship. Add insult to injury, it was in front of his co-workers. ugh.

You mention a history of cheating and you've been working on this... but has he? Clearly, he jumps on any opportunity. Or this is the time you know about. 

Is he aware how you feel?

That's the real problem when it comes to forgiving infidelity, the person figures you'll just always forgive. And they just keep doing it.

You say it's time to bounce. I would say for anyone reading this, the first time a person cheats, is the time to bounce. 

But you are where you are... so you have evaluate the current situation.

Is this a threat to him to bounce? hoping he'll change? because that won't work. he is who he is. 14 years in, you know this. 

If you're going to bounce, mean it. No take backs.

 

[DancingFool]

It's already well established that you married a cheater. Those times you've caught him are just the tip of the iceberg. Harsh reality is that you have no idea how many times he slept around on you, but you do know with certainty that this is who he is and this is what he does. So rather than asking if this is cheating, ask a better question - are you happy staying married to a cheater?

If yes, learn how to turn a blind eye, use condoms, and have a standing appointment at an STD clinic for testing. Realize that even with all that, it's only a matter of time before he infects you with something potentially incurable. Again, you already KNOW who he is and if you keep trying to "work on it" you are just fooling yourself and playing games with your own health and life. You can't turn a cheating loser into prince charming.

If no, then talk to the best divorce lawyers in town and get rid of him yesterday.

What kind of life do you want to be living?

[Batya33]

So in my marriage vows we promised not to have sex outside the marriage.  Didn't specify whether it would involve a business transaction.  In my marriage it's understood that this also includes sexual contact and a whole range of behaviors like - neither of us would go on a date-like outing with someone of the opposite gender -like a romantic dinner at night - or share a hotel room with a "friend", etc.  But no I've never heard of marriage vows with a carve out for strip clubs but couples can decide that it's ok if it's paid for or  whatever. But you didn't - you're just twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid what you know is wrong.

[HeartGoesOn]

Since he's already cheated on you twice, I have to wonder why this is up for debate     He'll likely go on to find better ways to cover his tracks, which is a classic move for those who cheat.

Are you up for this way of living?

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Renee6 said:

I don’t know if this is really  cheating

That's irrelevant.

There is nobody else living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

There are no juries, and you are not required to build a 'case' to justify how YOU want to live.

So, decide, do you trust him?

If not, then decide whether THIS is how you want to live.

[Rox22]

On 3/30/2022 at 2:52 AM, Renee6 said:

this really feels wrong to me. 

Go with that.

Also, "once a cheater, always a cheater" In your case, minimum 2x

Nuff said!