I cheated on my fiance with a transvestite and I'm terrified. Please help.

[walkingDeadMan99]

I am freaking out. I (M29) just got back from a trip to California with my finace (F32) and I made a horrible mistake.

Quick background: We've been dating for several years and have never had any infidelity issues between the two of us. Last year, we got engaged. I love her so much and still want to spend the rest of my life with her, but we started to have some bedroom issues. She began gaining weight and doesn't see herself as sexy right now which began to affect our intimacy. We went from having sex a few times a week, to maybe once or twice a month. I would try to console her and make her feel sexy in any way that I could (date nights, gifts, words of affirmation), but nothing seemed to work. I am very active with sports and working out (not a bodybuilder by any means, but athletic) and I find my libido might be naturally higher. Needless to say, this has caused some bumps in our communication as of late. 

In any event, we went to California seeking a romantic couples getaway, but our bedroom problems persisted. The last night of the trip (Saturday 3/19), I became frustrated and decided to go on a walk after she went to bed. I began striking up a conversation with a woman I met on the street and we decided to get a drink at the bar down the block. I had already had a few drinks and she was cute so I started talking with her. I figured I would at least gain some comfort speaking with someone else to get my mind off my fiance. This is where things go south. We had a few drinks and she suggested we walk on the beach. I agree. She suggests we go skinny dipping and I agree, still feeling the high of talking with someone else and flirting a little bit. We end up kissing. One things leads to another and she ends up giving me oral sex. At the end of the act, she stands up and I see a something hanging down there. Not only was I shocked, but also confused, angry, curious, and wildly drunk. I wanted to reciprocate the generosity and love someone for who they were so I began stimulating them as well. Shortly after I started, I stopped without finishing the job. I was horrified with myself. Not only did I cheat on my fiance, but with a transvestite. The crazy thing is that I'm 100% straight. I know that may sound strange given what occurred, but it's true. I have no desire to be with a man, but I think curiosity simply got the better of me. In my moment of weakness, I wanted to feel love and provide it as well. 

I walked back to my hotel room where my fiance was sleeping. She woke up. She asked where I was and lied by telling her I went for a casual walk to another bar. After some back and forth, we went to sleep. The last few days have been a living nightmare for me. Not only am I not eating, but I feel violated, dirty, and horrible that I have lied to her and myself. I'm throwing up in secret because of the stress. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, and have intense anxiety when I am around her (we live together). I have no idea what to do, or who to turn to. I can't confine in any of my close friends for fear of the social repercussions of my bi-curious actions. Part of me wants to come clean and tell her the truth from start to finish, but I am terrified of what she will do and who she will tell. She has said before that if I ever cheated, to be up front and tell her right away. She has been cheated on intensely before in past relationships, but has openly said it's better to tell her immediately if I cheat. In the same breath, she condones any sort of bi-curious interaction and said she would have to rethink our relationship if she ever found me doing something like that. 

To add fuel to the fire, I just received an STD test today to ensure I haven't made matters worse. My results will be in on Friday. Please please help me. I love with woman with all my heart and don't want to lose her. I am also guilt stricken and terrified of the fallout from being bi-curious. I have two issues. The cheating, and the bi-curious nature of the cheating. My options that I have come up with are:

 

1. Tell her nothing and live with the lie regardless of the personal stress to my body and mental health. She won't ever find out unless I tell her and our relationship will continue on. 

2. Tell her part of the story, but not all of it. I cheated, but maybe it was with a girl instead of a transvestite. This is a half truth and I feel I won't truly feel satisfied with my confession, but it may save my relationship. 

3. Tell her everything. I'll feel better about telling the truth, but the fallout could be immense. It's possible that we can work through this, but I think it's almost worse for me to confess and then say "you can't tell anyone about the bi-curious stuff or i'll be ruined". That doesn't seem fair to me. 

 

I'm feeling extremely scared and alone. Please help. 

 

[boltnrun]

If you're bi-curious and never tell her, the result will be more cheating and more potential exposure to STDs. So you need to explain.

Don't put it all on her to "forgive" or understand and do NOT blame her for "making" you do this because she's overweight and doesn't seem interested in sex. Own your choice, be honest about your sexual curiosities. Give her the chance to make a choice. For all you know, she might be having second thoughts about the marriage.

PS: If you've had sex with your fiancee since this encounter she will need to be tested as well.

[Wiseman2]

You need to end it with the GF. It's not working out. Explore your sexuality on your own time without using a GF as a security blanket. You need to inform her of your STD testing. 

 

[Batya33]

I mean the details don’t really matter. You promised your fiancée you wouldn’t be intimate outside of the relationship and you betrayed her and cheated. And you’re trying to make excuses. You could have chosen to end things with her first.  I don’t think you’re in the right heart or head space to marry her. And yes tell her so she can get tested and hopefully move on.

I think it’s enough to tell her you cheated and you’re so sorry and you two should likely separate because you realize you’re not ready to be married to her or in a committed relationship. Because you are not. You are full of lame excuses including thst you were drunk.  You choose to get drunk and you choose the consequences 

[Lambert]

Another option.... tell no one. but end things. 

Work on yourself, forgiveness of yourself, your acceptance of what happened and of yourself even if it means you may be bi.

Telling a person you cheated on them shifts the pain from you to them. I personally think unless you have a STD and she was exposed, you say nothing. You bear the burden of what you did, the guilt, the shame, all of it. (to me the crime is the cheating, not that it was a transvestite situation) 

She already feels unsexy due to whatever issues she's having. If you love her, you shield her.

But you let her go to find someone that is not a cheater and will love her.

Maybe if you heal yourself and get through this and decide she is still the woman for you, things will be different. 

But there's no doubt you blew up the relationship. The only thing in question is how do you go forward.  Living a lie (staying together and not telling her) isn't a healthy choice. 

Telling her and then because it was a bi situation making you a pariah is not the answer. 

Taking a break to find yourself is the only way. And you don't destroy her in the process. 

[boltnrun]

You know, I think I do agree with @Lambert. Your fiancee did nothing to deserve emotional devastation.

If your STD tests come back positive you must tell her you had sex with someone else. Otherwise, just end the relationship. Tell her you realize you're not ready to make such a major commitment and you need some time to yourself to think about what you truly want. Do not dangle a potential future with her in front of her and do not offer to be "friends". A clean break.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You know, I think I do agree with @Lambert. Your fiancee did nothing to deserve emotional devastation.

If your STD tests come back positive you must tell her you had sex with someone else. Otherwise, just end the relationship. Tell her you realize you're not ready to make such a major commitment and you need some time to yourself to think about what you truly want. Do not dangle a potential future with her in front of her and do not offer to be "friends". A clean break.

Yes I meant for him to tell her only if there is a health risk to her.

[greendots]

Whether you're straight, bi-curious or whatever doesn't matter. You are in a monogamous relationship and were unfaithful, which you already know. No need to rehash that.

Be honest with yourself, what do you actually want? Why would you risk a relationship that's seemingly so important to you by 'hooking up' with a stranger and actually feeling the desire to continue once you found out she was a transvestite? I'd reflect on this.

1 hour ago, walkingDeadMan99 said:

I wanted to feel love and provide it as well

 

[smackie9]

I say by your actions, regardless of the horrific details, the writing is on the wall this should end. Your fiance is confused about her feelings for you, and doesn't know how to tell you and is scared what to do. I say she's slowly slipping away instead of having the courage to breakup. As for you, this isn't working out, even tho there has been some investment into this relationship. Maybe seek out some counseling privately to work through what is really happening with you emotionally then go forward. 

IMO with the desperation for attention mixed with alcohol and being under the impression you were with a woman, what happened to you doesn't make you bi/gay or curious. It was just a situation that really surprised you, and you can just simply never talk about it again...be done with that like it never happened. 

[catfeeder]

Odds are high that breaking up with fiancé would be the kindest thing you could do for her regardless of the cheating.

It's possible, maybe even probable, that she's gained the weight and lost her sex drive because she's unhappy, maybe even depressed. So she's languishing in the relationship and can't see her way out of a downward spiral.

If the two of you haven't been sexual, you didn't expose her to the STD risk. So there would be zero advantage to telling her you cheated.

Confessions only unload the guilty by putting the weight on the partner, who can do absolutely nothing about it but feel horrible. That's cruel and destructive, and I'd feel worse for doing that--not better.

Go confess to a counselor, therapist or clergy, instead.

[reinventmyself]

. . .maybe I'm being cynical.  But the waters in CA this time of year are way, way too cold for skinny dipping.

[adviceplease2]

I can't get past...once you saw the dudes package and you just kept going with it.

Break up with this girl.

[gamon]

In before the thread lock.

 

[Pleasedonot5]

You see, I just don't buy the whole "leave but don't tell her anything" idea. Not only would that leave her devastated AND without answer as to why you left, but it also takes away her choice in the matter. She could choose to leave you and move on. She probably would. Or she could choose to stay. It would be wrong of you to take that choice away from her.

And breaking up without communication is contrary to what you want -- which you've said is to stay together. Surely love demands you be truthful but try at a basic level to still be together. 

So what do you do? Out of your three options, I would say 1 is absolutely out the window: the guilt is going to eat you alive. 2 involves an active lie, so no. That leaves some version of 3: maybe you tell her the true fact that you stepped out of the boundaries of the relationship and cheated -- and then why you think you did so. And the basic details: drinks, walk, beach, fooling around, (optional: oops she has a penis), and that was confusing. And then ask for forgiveness and tell her what you plan to do to prevent this situation from recurring moving forward. 

^that^ may not work. It may be messy and imperfect. Maybe that's too much, maybe too little. I don't know. But at least it's truthful. At least it allows her to make an informed choice on the matter. And at least you're trying to stay with the woman you claim you love. 

--

Last thing, consider signing up for therapy. This situation -- and your emotional response to it -- is too messy and complex for a professional not to be involved. 

Best of luck. 

[indea08]

FWIW, if I were your girlfriend, I would not want to know.

I agree with letting her go and taking some time to figure yourself out. Maybe you guys can circle back around after you’ve put some time between yourself and your mistake.