How tolerant should I be with someone who drinks and smokes pot?

[LadyCaCa]

My boyfriend is a decent guy. He's a good man with a big heart and has integrity and is very loyal. He's not an alcoholic or drug addict but when he is drunk or high, he's very sloppy. I know how to handle my substances but he clearly does not. It doesn't happen often but enough that it's a problem. He's falling down, talking gibberish and sometimes is belligerent. His personality changes completely. He's never violent, he's total goof. I feel like I should be tolerant because it's so rare, I should just tell him to sleep it off and let it go.

This sounds like an alcoholic ... I think I just answered my own question. 🙂

We have such a good relationship and it breaks my heart that I'll have to end it because of the occasional bender.

Seem to me that it won't change...

 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, LadyCaCa said:

Seem to me that it won't change...

 

It will only "change" if he wants it to. Has he said he wants to stop these benders? Or does he enjoy them?

Remember, if someone has to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you.

[DarkCh0c0]

You're right. It won't.

And who you see when he's drunk, is who he really is without filters.

Not worth it honestly. He has way too many red flags. And, The more you "allow" or "tolerate", the more you let him get away with his bad behaviour.

Best leave him be, and move on to someone healthier who treats you right all time.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Remember, if someone has to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you.

@boltnruni love this quote! ^^ spot on.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, LadyCaCa said:

He's falling down, talking gibberish and sometimes is belligerent. His personality changes completely.

Exactly. What you see is what you get. Cut your losses.

[DancingFool]

What you are describing is binge drinking - long dry or dry'ish spells followed by falling down, black out drunk. It's just a less common form of alcoholism.

The mood swings you are describing, the jekyll/hyde personality change, are also consistent with a seasoned alcoholic. Meaning he has been going at it long enough to start experiencing chemical reactions to alcohol, thus the moodiness and seemingly changing personality. Simply put, if he is belligerent now, he is going to get worse and eventually become violent as well. He is already half way there.

So the question is, do you think you can do better than an alcoholic?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, LadyCaCa said:

My boyfriend is a decent guy. He's a good man with a big heart and has integrity and is very loyal. He's not an alcoholic or drug addict but when he is drunk or high, he's very sloppy. I know how to handle my substances but he clearly does not. It doesn't happen often but enough that it's a problem. He's falling down, talking gibberish and sometimes is belligerent. His personality changes completely. He's never violent, he's total goof. I feel like I should be tolerant because it's so rare, I should just tell him to sleep it off and let it go.

This sounds like an alcoholic ... I think I just answered my own question. 🙂

We have such a good relationship and it breaks my heart that I'll have to end it because of the occasional bender.

Seem to me that it won't change...

 

You can be tolerant from a distance of someone who chooses to get drunk and high - tolerant meaning not judging or interfering if the person is not hurting others (or I guess himself in any dangerous way).  Being involved in a relationship is different. You don't have to tolerate being in a relationship with someone whose lifestyle and choices and values are incompatible with yours. It sounds like you also get drunk and high but believe you don't impact others when you do.  

I wouldn't date someone who occasionally got very drunk or who chose to use illegal drugs (the drugs would be a never).  Or who acted like that after choosing to get drunk or high.  But I might be tolerant from a distance.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, LadyCaCa said:

My boyfriend is a decent guy. He's a good man with a big heart and has integrity and is very loyal. He's not an alcoholic or drug addict but when he is drunk or high, he's very sloppy. I know how to handle my substances but he clearly does not. It doesn't happen often but enough that it's a problem. He's falling down, talking gibberish and sometimes is belligerent. His personality changes completely. He's never violent, he's total goof. I feel like I should be tolerant because it's so rare, I should just tell him to sleep it off and let it go.

This sounds like an alcoholic ... I think I just answered my own question. 🙂

We have such a good relationship and it breaks my heart that I'll have to end it because of the occasional bender.

Seem to me that it won't change...

 

Are your feelings for him changing after seeing him reduced to this manner? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LadyCaCa said:

 He's falling down, talking gibberish and sometimes is belligerent. His personality changes completely.

If you got a job in a prison, hospital, halfway house, nursing home, etc. you could get paid for being around this type of behavior. Why do it for free instead of having a relationship with a viable man?

[smackie9]

You do this...you don't be together those nights when he decides to go on a bender. If he wants to get his party on, let his buddies deal with him. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, LadyCaCa said:

I know how to handle my substances but he clearly does not.

This kinda sticks out to me.

"I know how to handle my substances" is usually what drug and alcohol abusers say. In reality, its usually not like that. 

I am not saying that because of this one. This one has a very nasty spell where he even gets agressive, you should run away at first sight of that.

I am saying because of next one. Alcohol and drug users have a nasty habit of attracting another alcohol and drug users. They hang around in the same company so that is with who they associate. 

It may sound preachy to you. Heck, from all I know, you maybe are the one who drinks one drink a week or smokes pot once in a blue moon. However, if you dont want another alcoholic or drug abuser, you should reflect upon yourself also.

DF asked very interesting question

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

So the question is, do you think you can do better than an alcoholic?

Because you should certanly aim higher then that. But in order to do that, you maybe need some of work on yourself. 

[Lambert]

Have you expressed to him that it bothers you? 

In fairness, if you just keep putting up with it while silently judging him or being pissed, then you should say something.

Set a boundary.  Tell him how you feel and what you want to happen. Whether that means ending things completely or just choosing to not be together at those times are up to you. 

Boundaries only work if you stick to them.  so make sure you can live with what you say. 

[catfeeder]

On 3/16/2022 at 11:08 AM, LadyCaCa said:

it's a problem. He's falling down, talking gibberish and sometimes is belligerent. His personality changes completely.

This isn't stuff that changes with tolerance. It is only likely to change after he's in your rear view mirror.