Why do I keep going for emotionally unavailable men?

[CariadCymru]

So I’m 29F and have been single for a year and a half now, I was dating a guy a few months after my last relationship ended and we were seeing each other for 10 months but he didn’t want to commit to a relationship so eventually I walked away even though I loved him

I started dating again in January 2022 and met a great guy on Hinge, we had similar interests, good banter and went on 3 dates where the conversation flowed and at the end of each date we kissed, fast forward a few weeks and he tells me he’s not ready for a relationship, he thought he was but he isn’t and doesn’t want to lead me on etc etc 

I just feel numb to it now as I feel it’s a recurring cycle, is it a vibe I’m giving off or am I subconsciously unavailable in some way? I’m starting to question if something is wrong with me! I really genuinely want to meet someone as I’ve bought a house and would love someone to spend my time with and go on adventures with but it just seems to pass me by, all my friends are getting married and having babies and I just feel like the black sheep 😞 

would appreciate insight from other who have perhaps been in a similar situation? Thank you 

[smackie9]

Because they are a challenge, they seem mysterious, strong, masculine, they intrigue us. We desire most what we can't have. You find attentive men, soft, weak, no challenge, boring. It's really hard to get out of that mindset...it's what attracts you. 

[smackie9]

I would advise you approach those who are closest to you and ask them because they know you best. 

[CariadCymru]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You find attentive men, soft, weak, no challenge, boring. It's really hard to get out of that mindset...it's what attracts you. 

This definitely resonates with me, I can get dates and male attention (without sounding big headed) but when it comes easily I find it off putting yet if it’s a guy that is throwing up red flags every five minutes then I seem to fall head over heels! I just don’t know how to get out of the cycle I don’t want to be alone forever 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, CariadCymru said:

I was dating a guy a few months after my last relationship ended and we were seeing each other for 10 months

What happened with your long term relationship? What was the breakup about? You seem to have it together and are doing something right because you're getting dates. 

Make sure that the friends with marriage/kids thing is not pressuring you along with the age.

Relax and keep dating until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. The issue is you're speeding up when you should slow down and focus on choosing rather than being chosen.

What do you mean by "commit" Talking engagement/marriage? Living together? Dating only one another?

[smackie9]

There is a happy medium. You just need a confident level headed guy that knows how to act around a lady without being a horn dog or stage 4 clinger. You can break the cycle by saying no and correcting your emotions right when it happens. You have been through this before so you KNOW when it's not right. retrain your brain. I guess you can try thinking of horrible things to deter your misguided desire. 

[SooSad33]

Is common for a woman to 'get feelings' way before a guy will, sucks 😕 .

I suggest you continue as you are and try to get to know each other.. yes, is common within usually the first 3+ months to see IF you're a decent match.  Is just how it goes.  Doesn't mean it's anything YOU are doing.

So, be easy on yourself.  Because, No, someone isn't just going to fall onto your lap and be 'the one' right away.

Yes, some people find a decent partner where all works out in a good amt of time. but many don't as well.

Those one's you've experienced so far, just weren't for YOU. That's okay!

If you feel emotionally tired, then stop 'searching' for a while. Learn to be okay as you are, on your own.  Hang with family & friends and take it easy.  I am pretty sure someone will come into your life and it will feel good 🙂 . But, you BOTH need to be emotionally available, willing to try and make it work.

One day at a time.  Meanwhile, continue on with your life.

 

[CariadCymru]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What happened with your long term relationship? What was the breakup about? You seem to have it together and are doing something right because you're getting dates. 

Make sure that the friends with marriage/kids thing is not pressuring you along with the age.

Relax and keep dating until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. The issue is you're speeding up when you should slow down and focus on choosing rather than being chosen.

What do you mean by "commit" Talking engagement/marriage? Living together? Dating only one another?

So with my ex boyfriend he was very verbally aggressive towards me, would call me names, belittle me, cause arguments over every tiny thing and I was so emotionally drained I ended things after 2 and a half years 

I agree I need to slow things down and not feel pressured by my age (although ultimately I do)

and by commit I just want someone who treats me like I’m a priority I’m so fed up of feeling like I’m just an option 

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, CariadCymru said:

So with my ex boyfriend he was very verbally aggressive towards me, would call me names, belittle me, cause arguments over every tiny thing and I was so emotionally drained I ended things after 2 and a half years 

Ok, maybe there's some armor around you? That's ok. Take your time. You were strong enough to leave that jerk so your instincts are quite good.

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear about this confusing juncture in your life. 

For what it's worth, I don't read what you've written and see a story of a woman who "keeps" going for emotionally unavailable men. Yes, you were in a turbulent longterm relationship, and in the wake of it got tangled up in something with someone who only wanted things vague and undefined. Not uncommon. Odds are you weren't totally available yourself when it all got started. But as you grew and realized he wouldn't commit? You untangled yourself. Great. Sounds like something that served you for a moment in time, not something you should feel defined by.

Cut to the most recent guy. Well, for better or worse, that's kind of dating. We meet people who seem interesting and promising out of the gates, only to learn they're not so interesting or promising after a few dates—often because, alas, they're hung up on someone else. Always sucks, but is so common that one has to be somewhat okay with it being a potential pitfall along the way to finding a more nourishing connection. That this was just a handful of dates, rather than 10 months of yearning for something more from some brooding stoic—well, I think that speaks to you being guided by a pretty solid compass.  

Seems to me that some of your anxiety about all this is connected to seeing your friends getting married, starting families, and so on, and feeling a pressure to be doing all that yourself, ideally yesterday. That's going to make any dating experience that doesn't pan out feel consequential, but doesn't necessarily mean you've got some magnet lodged in your soul for unavailable dudes. Just that you haven't met the right dude, yet. Cut yourself some slack, keep dating, take breaks when it gets overwhelming, and all this will work out. 

 

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, CariadCymru said:

This definitely resonates with me, I can get dates and male attention (without sounding big headed) but when it comes easily I find it off putting yet if it’s a guy that is throwing up red flags every five minutes then I seem to fall head over heels! I

Subconsciously, that's who you think you deserve. So the first thing you have to do is to hone your skills in improving your self esteem. Read books on how to do this. Maybe then your man-picker will improve.

Actually, I'd wished I'd waited until being serious about dating until I reached my late twenties, because the human brain doesn't reach it's mature, adult state in the decision making area until age 25. And people are learning so much about themselves during the twenties, that what they wanted at age 20 could be extremely different at 29.

On average, dating a boatload of people is the norm, because usually, to find the person who matches you in every major takes a lot of work. The biggest problem you face is not ditching a guy as soon as you see a red flag. Don't waste your time hoping for change. In that 10 months you wasted on that one wrong guy, you could have gone on dates with 20 other men.

When I was searching for my lifetime companion, I pulled out all the stops. I did OLD. I attended gatherings through meet up.com. I took East Coast Swing group lessons and attended the dance that followed. I let a co-worker attempt a match between me and her husband's co-worker. It took a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure, but worth all the effort.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[Lambert]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relax and keep dating until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. The issue is you're speeding up when you should slow down and focus on choosing rather than being chosen

This ^ stuck out to me.

Pull back a little on being so "for" a person until they start showing signs that they are "for" you. 

It might not be you at all. But you can use these feelings to understand yourself better. It does sting to be rejected... but when that fades you'll see.  It's actually a good thing for a person to tell you early on that they aren't looking to have a relationship with you.  It frees you to be with someone that appreciates you. 

Don't let what your friends are doing push you into a bad match, just so you can keep up.  That will lead to disaster.  build a life you enjoy in many respects. That way when one area isn't working, you can focus on other areas-  friends, family, career, hobbies, health and wellness. 

[Kwothe28]

I would say its a "picker". "3 dates guy" isnt your fault, that happens. Whether he doesnt want to commit or doesnt want it with you, it happens. That is what dates are for, to find out stuff like that.

10 months guy? Yes, its absolutely your fault. You chose to chase for the guy who would probably not commit from the start. But stayed there for 10 months hoping he will commit. Even got your feelings involved and claim you did loved him. A guy who never probably gave you the time of the day but you went with "I can fix him" mentality. 

And 2+ years with abusive guy.

It's not enough to just want to commit. You have to actively work on that. And that means not doing stuff like chasing somebody who wont commit for 10 months hoping he would commit to you. If you think that you are going for emotionally unavailable guys, then fix that. Dont go for them. If your ultimate goal is commitment you would need to "weed out" anybody who is not ready for commitment in any way(emotionally or in any other way), anybody who still just wants to "have fun", and anybody who says they would but their words and actions dont match. That means anybody. People who have and offer no stability, people who party too much, "players". Anybody who is like that. As soon as you see the signs, run. Because you have a criteria of commitment and cant lose time. You just need to look better. 

[smackie9]

OP you have received some great advice to set you in the right direction...best of luck to you, hope things do work out for you with all this new insight. 

[waffle]

21 hours ago, CariadCymru said:

I’m starting to question if something is wrong with me!

Women love to make others' shortcomings their fault.  I would caution you against doing that.

[CariadCymru]

Yes thank you everyone for the advice I really appreciate it ! 
I’m going to start taking notice of red flags sooner as I can spot them from a mile away now and give a chance to those who actually show interest and want to go on dates 
Im going to make a conscious effort to read the signs early on as I don’t want to keep ending up in this position, its getting very lonely 

[bluecastle]

2 minutes ago, CariadCymru said:

I’m going to start taking notice of red flags sooner as I can spot them from a mile away

This sounds great, with a caveat: You don't want your primary headspace on dates, and while dating, to be red flag detective mode. Lean too hard into that space and everything starts looking like a red flag, every new person a potential threat.

Like, the guy you mentioned you saw three times? That doesn't sound to me like a negative or red flag experience, in the big picture, at least in the sense that you should have run earlier. You were feeling something out, it took a sour turn. Not your fault, not his, just life. Chances are you may experience something like that again. It's part of feeling out a person, a connection. There's always an element of risk. 

I'd say that the best thing to do—easy to write down, harder to implement when the pheromones kick in—is to really listen to what people tell you. So if on an early date a man tells you something vague and brooding—like, say, he isn't into labels or isn't sure if he wants a relationship since his last one put a dent in his soul—take that at face value, not as a challenge to see if you can be the magic key that unlocks his heart. That keeps you in the power position, while the whole notion of red flags, at least in my opinion, can quickly veer into a disempowered position where connection gets eclipsed by mitigating threats. 

Most people we meet? They are not going to be our person, for whatever reasons. That's the hardest pill to swallow, ultimately, but it's medicine worth digesting. Frees you up to keep your wits about you while also staying open. 

[Rose Mosse]

On 3/7/2022 at 11:41 AM, CariadCymru said:

So I’m 29F and have been single for a year and a half now, I was dating a guy a few months after my last relationship ended and we were seeing each other for 10 months but he didn’t want to commit to a relationship so eventually I walked away even though I loved him

I started dating again in January 2022 and met a great guy on Hinge, we had similar interests, good banter and went on 3 dates where the conversation flowed and at the end of each date we kissed, fast forward a few weeks and he tells me he’s not ready for a relationship, he thought he was but he isn’t and doesn’t want to lead me on etc etc 

I just feel numb to it now as I feel it’s a recurring cycle, is it a vibe I’m giving off or am I subconsciously unavailable in some way? I’m starting to question if something is wrong with me! I really genuinely want to meet someone as I’ve bought a house and would love someone to spend my time with and go on adventures with but it just seems to pass me by, all my friends are getting married and having babies and I just feel like the black sheep 😞 

would appreciate insight from other who have perhaps been in a similar situation? Thank you 

It doesn't sound like you're vetting your dates thoroughly enough. You seem to have a lot to offer so screen a little better and be more choosy about your company. If you're feeling numb take a break and be with friends and family. 

Find others who are similar to you in your thoughts and values. Let go of anyone who doesn't seem to share your core values or if you don't have enough interests or share the same thoughts for your future. 

[lostandhurt]

If you look at your situation from the outside looking in I think you will see you are actually doing very well.

-No shortage of men interested in you.

-You are open and want a real relationship

-You seem grounded and know what you want

-You have learned to step away when it isn't working for you

You have gotten some great advice so the only thing I can add is this:

Don't make the next guy(s) pay for the sins of your past dating/relationships.  Like Bluecastle noted, if you look for something wrong hard enough you will find it.

  I am a good guy and will not change but I have been beaten out by jerks more times than I care to recall.  Give a good guy a shot, you just might be surprised how nice it is being with someone that respects you and you can respect and adore.

Hang in there

 Lost

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, CariadCymru said:

Yes thank you everyone for the advice I really appreciate it ! 
I’m going to start taking notice of red flags sooner as I can spot them from a mile away now and give a chance to those who actually show interest and want to go on dates 
Im going to make a conscious effort to read the signs early on as I don’t want to keep ending up in this position, its getting very lonely 

So I'd focus on internal red flags -like when you find yourself excited by or intrigued by a man who seems cold or distant or makes comments off the bat about not looking for anything serious., etc.  or if you find yourself bored because a man you initially found attractive asks you out and is direct about it.

[CariadCymru]

Thanks again everyone for more really helpful and sage advice, I was reluctant to post on something like this but really glad I did 

Yes I think I’m in the danger zone of turning myself into a red flag detective haha so I will try my best to not to do that and to listen more and pay attention to what they are actually saying 

I am also 100% more open to giving the good guys a shot, I think I’ve realised this with recent guy (Mr 3 dates) as this has happened to me now so many times (not just the examples I’ve posted here) and I’ve ignored the signs and ignored my gut

I have a very good gut instinct so I think I need to go with that more and not get swept up in the excitement/mystery that these commitment phobes are offering 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, CariadCymru said:

I am also 100% more open to giving the good guys a shot, I think I’ve realised this with recent guy (Mr 3 dates) as this has happened to me now so many times (not just the examples I’ve posted here) and I’ve ignored the signs and ignored my gut

No. I wouldn't do that.  Do you mean the guys who are "nice" but in quotes because they're insecure/approval seeking/tend to be more like doormats? Overeager when they barely know you? That's not a good guy - but on the other hand, no don't "give the good guys a shot" -a truly good person -a person who is confident, not arrogant, who is a person of character and integrity, who has appropriate boundaries and will behave in a reliable way but not like a doormat -they are gems just as women who are like that are gems too. 

If you have the mindset of "okkkkk I'll give them a shot" -don't bother. Let the women who really truly are excited to be with such a person and appreciate them without needing drama and unavailability -let those guys be with those ladies.  When you become the right person to deserve this good guy -a person who would find that kind of person interesting, potentially exciting -then you won't just be giving him a shot.  Do you want a man to be like "okkkk she's not really my typical type but.... okkkk I'll give it a shot."  

You'll come to a place, hopefully, where you don't have to convince yourself to be with a good guy. When the unavailable men are not exciting.  No not all of them are commitmentphobes. Many just won't be that into you and you'll go for the challenge of trying to convince the person otherwise.  A good guy deserves to be with a person who wouldn't find a guy who doesn't want to be with her/is not available so exciting.

[Lambert]

23 minutes ago, CariadCymru said:

Thanks again everyone for more really helpful and sage advice, I was reluctant to post on something like this but really glad I did 

Yes I think I’m in the danger zone of turning myself into a red flag detective haha so I will try my best to not to do that and to listen more and pay attention to what they are actually saying 

I am also 100% more open to giving the good guys a shot, I think I’ve realised this with recent guy (Mr 3 dates) as this has happened to me now so many times (not just the examples I’ve posted here) and I’ve ignored the signs and ignored my gut

I have a very good gut instinct so I think I need to go with that more and not get swept up in the excitement/mystery that these commitment phobes are offering 

Having good instinct gets you nowhere, if you don't listen to it.  You're flip flopping around, trying everything. Thus trying too hard. It won't work that way...  Sure you'll be with someone and you'll be miserable. 

Get cool with being single.  That's the answer.  Then when a good one, you actually like and want to be with comes along, you're ready and not busy dating mister boring but safe.  It also helps you develop a keen sense of how you like to spend your time.  

If I'm out with someone and I'd rather be home with a bowl of cereal, that's all I need to know. No offense to the cereal! 🙂

 

[CariadCymru]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No. I wouldn't do that.  Do you mean the guys who are "nice" but in quotes because they're insecure/approval seeking/tend to be more like doormats? Overeager when they barely know you? That's not a good guy - but on the other hand, no don't "give the good guys a shot" -a truly good person -a person who is confident, not arrogant, who is a person of character and integrity, who has appropriate boundaries and will behave in a reliable way but not like a doormat -they are gems just as women who are like that are gems too. 

If you have the mindset of "okkkkk I'll give them a shot" -don't bother. Let the women who really truly are excited to be with such a person and appreciate them without needing drama and unavailability -let those guys be with those ladies.  When you become the right person to deserve this good guy -a person who would find that kind of person interesting, potentially exciting -then you won't just be giving him a shot.  Do you want a man to be like "okkkk she's not really my typical type but.... okkkk I'll give it a shot."  

You'll come to a place, hopefully, where you don't have to convince yourself to be with a good guy. When the unavailable men are not exciting.  No not all of them are commitmentphobes. Many just won't be that into you and you'll go for the challenge of trying to convince the person otherwise.  A good guy deserves to be with a person who wouldn't find a guy who doesn't want to be with her/is not available so exciting.

I think you’ve read too much into the phrase “give them a shot” here

I meant in the past I’ve never even let myself explore a relationship with a good guy (confident, reliable etc as you describe) I have come to the realisation that my past dating choices are not what I want for my future, and I would class myself as a “good” woman so why shouldn’t I bother? 
I’ve never experienced a happy, healthy relationship which is what I want and I don’t want to repeat the cycle anymore 

Apologies if I’ve come across as conceited, that wasn’t my intention nor is it in my nature 
 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, CariadCymru said:

I think you’ve read too much into the phrase “give them a shot” here

I meant in the past I’ve never even let myself explore a relationship with a good guy (confident, reliable etc as you describe) I have come to the realisation that my past dating choices are not what I want for my future, and I would class myself as a “good” woman so why shouldn’t I bother? 
I’ve never experienced a happy, healthy relationship which is what I want and I don’t want to repeat the cycle anymore 

Apologies if I’ve come across as conceited, that wasn’t my intention nor is it in my nature 
 

You did not come across as conceited.  Sorry if I misunderstood what you wrote. You get to choose whether you want to experience a happy, healthy relationship -but it's also true that you have to become a person who would be into that -be interested enough, excited enough without the drama and thrill of the chase of someone who is unavailable.