Is any of this narcissistic behaviour?

[EitherDare0]

13 hours ago, johnbarney said:

Ah sorry to hear that 😞

I think if she definitely wasn't interested then she should have told me rather than letting me keep asking and getting more attached. You say she didn't want to hurt me but why would she block me if that's the case?

Isn't it normal to look at her new boyfriend's profile in that situation?

I don't know what will happen if I bump into her sometime because she may stay with one of the other friends sometime to come to one of the events that we go to.

Could she have been more blunt about it, sure. That being said, it is very possible she wasn't because she selfishly like what you brought to the table. OR, it is also possible that she felt bad, didn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe a combo of both However, in her mind, the whole internet searching of other guy playing detective sort of meddling, that probably ticked her off, so she blocked you. She no longer felt bad. Or she felt that you were interfering with her life in a way not ok. 

Only you can know what you'll do if you bump into her. Your heart might drop, and you will not want to see her. What I hope you can do, is give it time and space, find someone new to invest your time in. Then if you run into her, you can smile, be friendly, but like you don't give a shizz about any of this anymore. Heck, she may be friendly with you again if you do that.

[junebug123]

1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

Is it really self-centred to be upset about this?

Dancing fool probably nailed the head on this one. Her post was one of the most important posts in this entire thread.

First off, if you understood what she was thinking, then you wouldn’t have gotten blindsided at all. The fact that many people read this story and accurately interpreted her behavior, means that they have a better incite on her behavior and intentions then you do.

I think it was good that you had this experience and probably over invested a little. Rather then trying to view the experience as a win/lose situation, it’s better to just have enjoyed the emotions and experiences you had (regardless of how they made you felt).

Right now, your emotions are raw. You can use this time to learn more about yourself. Sometimes when we get obsessed about someone, it speaks volumes about ourselves as an individual.

Often we want to place blame on individuals who are acting in their own best interest.  When you meet the right person, your interests will be in alignment with each other. If it’s in “their” interest to keep you as a mate, then they will make sure that they don’t lose you.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, johnbarney said:

Yes but what I had thought is that we'd still be friends either way as I've only ever been nice to her and tried to keep things friendly and I thought she'd only ever be nice too.

Understood. However, you were mistaken. You misjudged her character. She turned pretty nasty when she got caught lying. That's bad.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but you come across as the poster child for the adage "none are so blind as those who refuse to see"

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, johnbarney said:

I took what she said literally meaning that if she was ready for a relationship then she might want one with me.

Did she actually say this part, though?

Because if she didn't, you didn't take her literally. You speculated there. 

[johnbarney]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She did say that. You just didn't want to hear it.

Regardless, whether or not you want to accept it, this is how things are.

Not really. She told me several times she'll think about it.

[johnbarney]

4 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Could she have been more blunt about it, sure. That being said, it is very possible she wasn't because she selfishly like what you brought to the table. OR, it is also possible that she felt bad, didn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe a combo of both However, in her mind, the whole internet searching of other guy playing detective sort of meddling, that probably ticked her off, so she blocked you. She no longer felt bad. Or she felt that you were interfering with her life in a way not ok. 

Only you can know what you'll do if you bump into her. Your heart might drop, and you will not want to see her. What I hope you can do, is give it time and space, find someone new to invest your time in. Then if you run into her, you can smile, be friendly, but like you don't give a shizz about any of this anymore. Heck, she may be friendly with you again if you do that.

Well my perspective is that she's been a huge part of my life for the last couple of months so she should have let me know asap when she was seeing someone else.

 

Ah well it's awkward not knowing how it would be if I saw her in front of the mutual friends.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Ah well it's awkward not knowing how it would be if I saw her in front of the mutual friends.

Just be civil but don't otherwise engage with her. Keep your distance as much as possible. That's all. 

[johnbarney]

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Dancing fool probably nailed the head on this one. Her post was one of the most important posts in this entire thread.

First off, if you understood what she was thinking, then you wouldn’t have gotten blindsided at all. The fact that many people read this story and accurately interpreted her behavior, means that they have a better incite on her behavior and intentions then you do.

I think it was good that you had this experience and probably over invested a little. Rather then trying to view the experience as a win/lose situation, it’s better to just have enjoyed the emotions and experiences you had (regardless of how they made you felt).

Right now, your emotions are raw. You can use this time to learn more about yourself. Sometimes when we get obsessed about someone, it speaks volumes about ourselves as an individual.

Often we want to place blame on individuals who are acting in their own best interest.  When you meet the right person, your interests will be in alignment with each other. If it’s in “their” interest to keep you as a mate, then they will make sure that they don’t lose you.

The thing is that if I'd walked away and then seen that she's in this relationship now then I'd be thinking that I'd missed out by not waiting. So it's only by doing what I did that I really know that it's not going to happen with her.

 

I don't think there's any such thing as over investing in the right person because a relationship with her would be worth more than anything else in the world

Well one thing I don't understand is that I've offered to lend her money loads of times when she moaned about her financial situation and she refused. So if she didn't care about me at all in the end then why wouldn't she take some money before blocking me?

[johnbarney]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Did she actually say this part, though?

Because if she didn't, you didn't take her literally. You speculated there. 

She did say a few times that she'll think about it. But having said that she also wanted me to stop talking about it which was tough for me.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, johnbarney said:

 don't think there's any such thing as over investing in the right person because a relationship with her would be worth more than anything else in the world

The problem is that she was not the right person, or she would have reciprocated your interest. So it was a mistake to throw too much of yourself into this when she was so lukewarm about you. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

Well my perspective is that she's been a huge part of my life for the last couple of months so she should have let me know asap when she was seeing someone else.

 

Ah well it's awkward not knowing how it would be if I saw her in front of the mutual friends.

You made her a huge part of your life.  You weren't a huge part of hers at all.  Again you're looking at this from only your perspective.  If she'd been just a friend -as you keep saying that was your main motivation -does she need to tell you who she is dating, seeing -let alone ASAP?  Many choose to be discreet because they don't want all the outside input on a new relationship. 

I didn't tell my ex -who I was still in touch with -when I got back together with my ex fiancee.  I told him a month or so later -when it came up more naturally since I was leaving town.  We were still in touch 100% only as friends.  I didn't share it with him because it was none of his business even though we were in touch almost daily.  As friends. 

He didn't share with me when he got serious with his future wife (although as soon as he started dating her I faded out so that I would not even seem as if I was in the picture in any way so his new girlfriend could get to know him properly).  I am not upset he didn't tell me when they got serious or got engaged or married. 

Because even though he was a huge part of my life for many years I respect boundaries.  I respect boundaries in friendship, with exes and especially with moving on. He respected me too after I told him I was seeing my ex fiancee again.  In fact I saw him in person after that to get computer related help and our meeting was 100% respectful and appropriate.  Please know it's not all about you. 

You have to respect others' lives, boundaries, space, choices as to what to share.  You think "because I want her/because I was into her/because she was a big part of my life it has to be reciprocated."  1000 times no.  And if you really disrespect that you venture into harassment and stalking.  

[junebug123]

2 hours ago, johnbarney said:

The thing is that if I'd walked away and then seen that she's in this relationship now then I'd be thinking that I'd missed out by not waiting. So it's only by doing what I did that I really know that it's not going to happen with her.

 

I don't think there's any such thing as over investing in the right person because a relationship with her would be worth more than anything else in the world

Well one thing I don't understand is that I've offered to lend her money loads of times when she moaned about her financial situation and she refused. So if she didn't care about me at all in the end then why wouldn't she take some money before blocking me?

You seem like a really smart person. Unfortunately your lack of self awareness is causing you to waste a galactic amount of emotional time and energy.

This idea of missing out on something by not waiting is the basis for the sunk cost fallacy. When you over invest in something, you generally want a return on your investment to at least break even. However, sometimes our investment was flawed from the very beginning.

Realize, that her blocking you was a gift. She is releasing you from a much worse fate and consider it a mercy killing to your ego.

When these types of situations happened in my life, and they have more times then I care to admit. I used them as motivation, digging deeper within my own well, to find out what I was doing wrong in my own life. 

Unfortunately, the little signals that we get can sometimes be a reflection of larger issues that we have within ourselves. Reminding us of all the emotional scars that we have suffered throughout our lives. That’s why when we get abandoned like this, it causing us so much more pain.

When you learn to let go of your ego, you’ll realize that the world is much too large and there are so many people much more qualified to be our partner, often more attractive and intelligent then the person who just left us.

Then the question just becomes if you are ready to accept them into your life. Until you work on your own issues, you will continue to attract people who will remind you of how you feel about yourself internally. 

Start learning to practice self compassion, and stop engaging in fantasy thinking. You were engaged in a wild fantasy that this women would just suddenly change her mind at any moment and fall for you. Your not really sad about her leaving you, your sad about not being able to engage in the fantasy in your mind about what the relationship with her could have been like.

Even in a situation where I’ve crushed very heavily on someone. It wasn’t until I saw them for who they really were years later, when the attraction was gone, that I finally realized a life with them would have been an absolute nightmare.

 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, johnbarney said:

Well one thing I don't understand is that I've offered to lend her money loads of times when she moaned about her financial situation and she refused. So if she didn't care about me at all in the end then why wouldn't she take some money before blocking me?

This is a good example of the black-and-white thinking that helped get you into this situation. Just because someone has one (or more) bad trait(s) doesn't mean they have all the bad traits. People are complex. You have to allow for that. That's why it's important to take your time getting to know someone rather than allow yourself to fall head over heels.... easier said than done, though--I know!

[reinventmyself]

5 hours ago, johnbarney said:

Well my perspective is that she's been a huge part of my life for the last couple of months so she should have let me know asap when she was seeing someone else.

 

But it is your responsibility to manage your emotions and level of attachment, not hers.  Anything other than a yes is a no.  You should have not gotten over invested on this.

Even with the best intensions, most have difficulty saying to someone's face " I do not see you in a romantic way and it's never going to happen"   Yes, life might be simpler if they did. 

But the takeaway from this is "Not now, I'm not ready, maybe later and I'll think about it"  are clear indications for you to manage your expectations.

Often times people are not ready for a relationship, until the right one crosses their path. 

And. . .I may be wrong, but I don't think it was your friend found the post.  It would make me uncomfortable to know someone went on a recon mission to find out what I do with my personal business.  Especially when I am not accountable to you.

Ultimately, there are some valuable lessons here.

[johnbarney]

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

But it is your responsibility to manage your emotions and level of attachment, not hers.  Anything other than a yes is a no.  You should have not gotten over invested on this.

Even with the best intensions, most have difficulty saying to someone's face " I do not see you in a romantic way and it's never going to happen"   Yes, life might be simpler if they did. 

But the takeaway from this is "Not now, I'm not ready, maybe later and I'll think about it"  are clear indications for you to manage your expectations.

Often times people are not ready for a relationship, until the right one crosses their path. 

And. . .I may be wrong, but I don't think it was your friend found the post.  It would make me uncomfortable to know someone went on a recon mission to find out what I do with my personal business.  Especially when I am not accountable to you.

Ultimately, there are some valuable lessons here.

I did actually ask her first on a message before the first weekend she came to stay but we had spent a bit of time together already. So I messaged her and asked her if she'd be interested in dating each other. She put a heart on my message and said it's not a no and it's surprising. So I asked if it's a maybe and she said yes but she doesn't see how it would work as we live so far away from each other. So I said that she can come to me and I can visit her in her area and if things got serious we could live together. After all that was it not reasonable of me to imagine that when she first came to stay that was a date?

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

was it not reasonable of me to imagine that when she first came to stay that was a date?

"Imagine" is where you went wrong. If neither of you said she was coming to stay with you as your date, then she was not.

She isn't going to date you. So now you know you're free to look for a woman who will eagerly date you and want a relationship with you.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, johnbarney said:

was it not reasonable of me to imagine that when she first came to stay that was a date?

How does the answer to this change your current situation, though?

She should have done X, Y or Z. You should have done X, Y, or Z. 

But she didn't, and you didn't. And the bottom line is that she does not wish to have a relationship with you or even remain in contact at this point. I get why it hurts and you're disappointed, but your focus now needs to be on moving forward without her, and taking some lessons learned here. 

[junebug123]

7 hours ago, johnbarney said:

So I messaged her and asked her if she'd be interested in dating each other. She put a heart on my message and said it's not a no and it's surprising.

So I said that she can come to me and I can visit her in her area and if things got serious we could live together.

Alright, now let’s look at it from her perspective. Some guy probably handsome showing interest in you, allows you to board in their house in an area where there are events or people, which you wish to attend.

Furthermore, they offer to drive you each way, and don’t expect sexual services or money for any of these things. How much effort is required from her to show interest, in fact maybe she was interested at a time and eventually changed her mind.

Maybe all of this happened right under your nose, maybe you came off as desperate and needy and she lost attraction for you over time. Much of what has happened is natural in the course of courting or dating. 

(Also, I am not meaning to offend, but when you ask on more then one occasion if the person wants to date and they so no, well that’s where the remark came from.)

People learn about each other. The thing is you either choose not to notice the signs that she was losing interest or wasn’t interested enough to move things to the next level. Even now, you filter your memory through positive events, herein lies the fantasy.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, johnbarney said:

 why wouldn't she take some money before blocking me?

She doesn't want to be bought or beholden to you. It's insulting to her.

Perhaps her armchair diagnosis of narcissist is incorrect, but you are certainly so self absorbed that you can't see the forest for the trees.

 

[johnbarney]

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"Imagine" is where you went wrong. If neither of you said she was coming to stay with you as your date, then she was not.

She isn't going to date you. So now you know you're free to look for a woman who will eagerly date you and want a relationship with you.

Don't you think that if someone says maybe to dating and then they come to stay with you, it's reasonable to imagine that it might be a date? We went out for dinner together on the first night and then went bowling, for a walk and watched a movie together on the next day and things were going really well so I asked to kiss her and that's when she told me that she's taking things one day at a time because of what she's been through. So I said I wasn't sure if this weekend was a long date or not and she didn't say it wasn't - she just didn't answer that question.

[johnbarney]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How does the answer to this change your current situation, though?

She should have done X, Y or Z. You should have done X, Y, or Z. 

But she didn't, and you didn't. And the bottom line is that she does not wish to have a relationship with you or even remain in contact at this point. I get why it hurts and you're disappointed, but your focus now needs to be on moving forward without her, and taking some lessons learned here. 

Well it took a lot of courage for me to ask someone out in the first place and I don't want this to be difficult if I manage to move on from her and find someone else I like.

[johnbarney]

7 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Alright, now let’s look at it from her perspective. Some guy probably handsome showing interest in you, allows you to board in their house in an area where there are events or people, which you wish to attend.

Furthermore, they offer to drive you each way, and don’t expect sexual services or money for any of these things. How much effort is required from her to show interest, in fact maybe she was interested at a time and eventually changed her mind.

Maybe all of this happened right under your nose, maybe you came off as desperate and needy and she lost attraction for you over time. Much of what has happened is natural in the course of courting or dating. 

(Also, I am not meaning to offend, but when you ask on more then one occasion if the person wants to date and they so no, well that’s where the remark came from.)

People learn about each other. The thing is you either choose not to notice the signs that she was losing interest or wasn’t interested enough to move things to the next level. Even now, you filter your memory through positive events, herein lies the fantasy.

I made it clear that I still wanted to be friends if she didn't want to me more than that though. So how hard would it have been for her to say let's just be friends? And over Christmas when she had a weekend off from coming, I said she'd be welcome to come and stay whatever she decides but still she said she'll think about it. Giving me hope that we were about to go into the New Year as a couple.

 

I find it very frustrating that people have to change because personally if I like someone then my feelings for her don't change and I'll make every effort to try to make things work.

[johnbarney]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She doesn't want to be bought or beholden to you. It's insulting to her.

Perhaps her armchair diagnosis of narcissist is incorrect, but you are certainly so self absorbed that you can't see the forest for the trees.

 

Is it really insulting to offer to lend a broke friend some money when I have plenty of savings? Wouldn't it be rude not to offer?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

I asked to kiss her and that's when she told me that she's taking things one day at a time because of what she's been through. I said I wasn't sure if this weekend was a long date or not and she didn't say it wasn't

Unfortunately this was the friendzone, even if you had a crush and did stuff together.