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Is any of this narcissistic behaviour?


johnbarney
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I’ve also been on the receiving end of messages after saying not to contact and it’s creepy and quickly gets worse because now she doesn’t know what else you’ll try since you’re giving an unstable impression.  Don’t be surprised if you hear from her boyfriend to remind you to leave her alone.  And you’ll be lucky if she doesn’t take further steps. What you did was not friendly or reasonable. 

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13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’ve also been on the receiving end of messages after saying not to contact and it’s creepy and quickly gets worse because now she doesn’t know what else you’ll try since you’re giving an unstable impression.  Don’t be surprised if you hear from her boyfriend to remind you to leave her alone.  And you’ll be lucky if she doesn’t take further steps. What you did was not friendly or reasonable. 

Sorry to hear that. Like I said, it was one message and I said I won't contact her again if she doesn't want me to.

 

I do think people should also think how much distress it causes someone to be blocked, especially without messaging them first. I think I've handled it very well by sending her a friendly message and not complaining about how I feel.

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4 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Sorry to hear that. Like I said, it was one message and I said I won't contact her again if she doesn't want me to.

 

I do think people should also think how much distress it causes someone to be blocked, especially without messaging them first. I think I've handled it very well by sending her a friendly message and not complaining about how I feel.

I was blocked by someone who had been a close friend for over 18 years. I was also blocked by someone else who had been a close friend for over 10 years. I didn't bother them about it. I just went about my life without getting upset. In fact, I thought it was kind of funny. Apparently they were upset with me about something. OK. Life goes on.

This one person who you had feelings for has decided to remove you from her life. I don't expect you to be delighted about it. I'm sure you're hurt and disappointed. But you have to respect her wishes whether it's what you want or not. Unfortunately it takes two to be in a relationship and she's chosen not to be with you. 

I'm glad you won't be messaging her or trying to contact her anymore. That's for the best.

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13 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I do think people should also think how much distress it causes someone to be blocked, especially without messaging them first. 

Yes, it's hurtful. 

But that's not a reason to continue to try to contact them. That's your cue to stop, for good. 

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You know I was in a similar situation a few months ago. It was really hard for me to let go. One thing that helped me a lot was writing down all of my feelings in a journal.

I think that if you find some sort of an outlet for everything your experiencing right now, it may make it easier to move on.

Sometimes it’s frustrating when your on here and people are like saying move on, but you can’t because the thought is like a fire in your mind that keeps coming to life no matter how many times you try to extinguish it.

I think you’ve done a good thing in writing here and it’s probably helped you to make more sense of what happened. I honestly think that when you met her, she was probably not in a good place with her ego.

Probably she was just looking for a friend and used a lot of the attention and validation to boost herself up. Afterwards, she met someone new and wrote you off. I get it, it sucks. 

I hope you don’t get discouraged from this experience though, once you train your mind to focus on something new, it will be easier to let go of this.

Edited by junebug123
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1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Sometimes it’s frustrating when your on here and people are like saying move on, but you can’t because the thought is like a fire in your mind that keeps coming to life no matter how many times you try to extinguish it.

I'm not telling him to move on right now.  I'm telling him not to react to his feelings by contacting her.  And yes one message in this context is too much -and will sabotage your moving on.

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8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

You know I was in a similar situation a few months ago. It was really hard for me to let go. One thing that helped me a lot was writing down all of my feelings in a journal.

I think that if you find some sort of an outlet for everything your experiencing right now, it may make it easier to move on.

Sometimes it’s frustrating when your on here and people are like saying move on, but you can’t because the thought is like a fire in your mind that keeps coming to life no matter how many times you try to extinguish it.

I think you’ve done a good thing in writing here and it’s probably helped you to make more sense of what happened. I honestly think that when you met her, she was probably not in a good place with her ego.

Probably she was just looking for a friend and used a lot of the attention and validation to boost herself up. Afterwards, she met someone new and wrote you off. I get it, it sucks. 

I hope you don’t get discouraged from this experience though, once you train your mind to focus on something new, it will be easier to let go of this.

Ah sorry to hear that. It's really difficult because she says I'm the one who hurt her and now I can't discuss it with her. But even when I did when she was here, she got angry with me for labouring things on. I just feel that she told lies when I confronted her about the relationship to make herself not look bad and then she knew sure couldn't maintain the lies if she didn't cut me off. But now I think maybe I should have just not talked to her about this relationship so that we could have stayed friends!

 

The crazy thing is the reason I thought she was interested and asked her out in the first place is that she was messaging me all the time and putting hearts in them!

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2 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

But now I think maybe I should have just not talked to her about this relationship so that we could have stayed friends!

 

The crazy thing is the reason I thought she was interested and asked her out in the first place is that she was messaging me all the time and putting hearts in them!

Friends don’t lie to you. Also, I don’t have female friends that I’m attracted to because I can’t handle not being more then friends with them. 

Its torturous and demoralizing. I would rather be with people who bring me up, instead of making me feel like I’m not good enough for them. I imagine that’s how you were feeling the entire time with her.

It makes sense that you kept wanting to date her, because she was just manipulating you the entire time in order to keep her control over you. Now, you just feel hollow because at least being used was better then feeling alone.

When you get back to being yourself, you’ll realize that being alone is much better then being kept on a short leash.

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1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

 But now I think maybe I should have just not talked to her about this relationship so that we could have stayed friends!

Would you really want to be her friend and watch her date someone who isnt you?

How would you feel sitting on the sidelines, watching her fall in love with another man? 

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1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

 when she was here, she got angry with me for labouring things on.

You have a tendency to go on and on and on trying to convince others of your Imagined scenarios.

The self-absorbed attitude is why she called you a narcissist.  It's good she blocked you. 

Even with a profound lack of insight, it forces you to respect and maintain boundaries.

 

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4 hours ago, johnbarney said:

The crazy thing is the reason I thought she was interested and asked her out in the first place is that she was messaging me all the time and putting hearts in them!

It wasn't crazy at all to ask her out on a date.  It's normal.  What most people would do or wish to do.  And when she was not enthusiastic about seeing potential for a relationship with you you chose to continue pursuing her. You chose to continue letting yourself get attached.  Now you're continuing to try to be in her life, in her face, in her space and making excuses as to why that's ok. 

That part is not ok.  That part gives an unstable impression.  That part risks danger and harm to you particularly since she has a man in her life.  But of course it was normal to ask a single woman out on a date who seemed interested at that time in going on a date with you.  Many people go on one date or a couple of dates with interest in dating and then change their minds.  That's normal too. 

Here she told you early on she wasn't the right match for you for the long term.  You chose not to listen.

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On 1/24/2022 at 10:31 AM, johnbarney said:

My view was that I like her more than anyone else in the world so surely it's worth waiting for the right person rather than ending up with someone who's not as good.

 

Oh, wow. The thirties? I thought the both of you must be in your early twenties, making youthful mistakes--not having much relationship experience. 

And I don't even see you learning from this experience, although maybe this will happen when you get some time and distance away from her and this situation. Lessons you should have learned?

Waiting for someone such as in this instance is NEVER a good idea. Your logic is faulty.

When a person has any excuse for not being with you, walk away. You have different relationship goals. Neither a friendship or romance is in the cards. Staying friends with someone you have a crush on prevents you from bonding with a good romantic prospect.

Another person might not act in your best interest, even if you perceive them as a caring person before they show they are quite the opposite.

True friends know who you are and don't accept other's badmouthing of you as fact. Simply say, "We're no longer friends, and I don't want to hear about her." If they ask why, tell them the truth, that you had a crush and since she doesn't feel the same, it's best that you didn't continue the friendship. It's not like any major drama. It's a normal happening in life.

Another lesson? You don't have to know her reasoning of why she did those things, and don't hurt your brain about it. You can never fully know another, and she's no longer your concern. Instead of pouring time and emotional energy into thoughts of her, start moving to a life without her. As the saying goes, when you have your foot squarely keeping a back door open, you can't open the front door to new possibilities.

Take care.

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It's worth waiting for the right person when the other person sees you the same way and the reason for waiting has nothing to do with feelings - and I mean waiting for marriage or similar long term commitment. 

My parents and my best friend from high school each waited till they graduated college/grad school to get married, I have a friend who met a great guy out one night, he called her and said "I want to go out with you but in three months.  I am tying up loose ends after ending a long term relationship and I want to be ready to date you."  He did call in three months and they were married for many years (now separated).  

By definition, a person is not the right person for you if that person doesn't feel the same way about you and/or is not available for a serious relationship because he or she is not single or is otherwise not available.  

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19 hours ago, johnbarney said:

 

 

I do think people should also think how much distress it causes someone to be blocked, especially without messaging them first. 

You don't have to agree with it, but something about her experience led her to block you in the first place.  The fact that you busted through that is probably further proof as to why she didn't want any contact with you in the first place.  When she set a loud and clear boundary for herself.  You dismissed it and decided she wasn't entitled it.

Maybe that's where the narcissism label gets tossed around.  You seem to fail to have a clue on how this experience feels for her.  You dispute it, deny her the right to have it and continue to violate it.  When she tries to reinforce her boundary and gets upset that you ignore it, you become the victim.

You don't have to agree with her or understand it.  But you do have to respect it.  Let this go.

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10 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Friends don’t lie to you. Also, I don’t have female friends that I’m attracted to because I can’t handle not being more then friends with them. 

Its torturous and demoralizing. I would rather be with people who bring me up, instead of making me feel like I’m not good enough for them. I imagine that’s how you were feeling the entire time with her.

It makes sense that you kept wanting to date her, because she was just manipulating you the entire time in order to keep her control over you. Now, you just feel hollow because at least being used was better then feeling alone.

When you get back to being yourself, you’ll realize that being alone is much better then being kept on a short leash.

All the thing is she wouldn't admit that she lied so now it even makes me start to doubt myself because she said I really hurt her!

 

Thanks for being so understanding.

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9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Would you really want to be her friend and watch her date someone who isnt you?

How would you feel sitting on the sidelines, watching her fall in love with another man? 

It's not ideal but I'd prefer it to being cut off and I don't want things to be awkward with the mutual friends.

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3 hours ago, Andrina said:

Oh, wow. The thirties? I thought the both of you must be in your early twenties, making youthful mistakes--not having much relationship experience. 

And I don't even see you learning from this experience, although maybe this will happen when you get some time and distance away from her and this situation. Lessons you should have learned?

Waiting for someone such as in this instance is NEVER a good idea. Your logic is faulty.

When a person has any excuse for not being with you, walk away. You have different relationship goals. Neither a friendship or romance is in the cards. Staying friends with someone you have a crush on prevents you from bonding with a good romantic prospect.

Another person might not act in your best interest, even if you perceive them as a caring person before they show they are quite the opposite.

True friends know who you are and don't accept other's badmouthing of you as fact. Simply say, "We're no longer friends, and I don't want to hear about her." If they ask why, tell them the truth, that you had a crush and since she doesn't feel the same, it's best that you didn't continue the friendship. It's not like any major drama. It's a normal happening in life.

Another lesson? You don't have to know her reasoning of why she did those things, and don't hurt your brain about it. You can never fully know another, and she's no longer your concern. Instead of pouring time and emotional energy into thoughts of her, start moving to a life without her. As the saying goes, when you have your foot squarely keeping a back door open, you can't open the front door to new possibilities.

Take care.

I think thirties is still young. I'm in my late twenties and she never said it was an issue that I'm younger but her boyfriend does look to be in his fifties which makes me wonder if she prefers older guys? But if so then why didn't she say?

Edited by johnbarney
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10 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I think thirties is still young. I'm in my late twenties and she never said it was an issue that I'm younger but her boyfriend does look to be in his fifties which makes me wonder if she prefers older guys? But if so then why didn't she say?

I think people were referring to your attitude which is a bit child-like.  

She may not have a type but she knew you weren't her type from the get go and told you.  And that's ok. Not everyone is our match.

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One of my male friends wanted to date me. He asked and I politely and in a caring manner told him I viewed him as a dear friend. I thought he understood, but he brought it up a few more times. Each time I told him no, he and I were friends. Again, I thought it was pretty clear.

We would get together to go to happy hour or lunch and sometimes I went to his house to watch Nascar as I didn't have cable TV. And after I moved out of state he would invite me to come over to watch Nascar when I was visiting. Each time I made it clear that I was seeing him as friends, not romance. 

The last straw was when I was at his house watching Nascar and he asked if I wanted a back rub. I said no thank you. He said "I can't believe you don't want a back rub!!" And I said, no, I actually don't. He then left the room and came back with a bottle of baby oil and told me "Take off your top." Well, that was it. I told him I did not want a back rub and I was leaving. And I left.

He eventually blocked me from Facebook apparently because I'd unfriended him. He had been posting things I found offensive and was using the "n" word and I am not about that. Even though he has over 5,000 Facebook friends he noticed right away that I'd unfriended him. He called me to demand to know why, but I didn't answer. So he blocked me.

This was someone I considered a good friend, someone I valued, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer. Maybe he thinks I treated him unfairly. Maybe he was "hurt". But he really pushed me to react the way I did.

I'm telling you this to try to give you some perspective from someone who's been on the other side. You feel you were being a caring friend, but maybe she saw you as someone who would not accept "no" as her answer.

I hope you do choose to leave her in your past and move forward.

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54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

One of my male friends wanted to date me. He asked and I politely and in a caring manner told him I viewed him as a dear friend. I thought he understood, but he brought it up a few more times. Each time I told him no, he and I were friends. Again, I thought it was pretty clear.

We would get together to go to happy hour or lunch and sometimes I went to his house to watch Nascar as I didn't have cable TV. And after I moved out of state he would invite me to come over to watch Nascar when I was visiting. Each time I made it clear that I was seeing him as friends, not romance. 

The last straw was when I was at his house watching Nascar and he asked if I wanted a back rub. I said no thank you. He said "I can't believe you don't want a back rub!!" And I said, no, I actually don't. He then left the room and came back with a bottle of baby oil and told me "Take off your top." Well, that was it. I told him I did not want a back rub and I was leaving. And I left.

He eventually blocked me from Facebook apparently because I'd unfriended him. He had been posting things I found offensive and was using the "n" word and I am not about that. Even though he has over 5,000 Facebook friends he noticed right away that I'd unfriended him. He called me to demand to know why, but I didn't answer. So he blocked me.

This was someone I considered a good friend, someone I valued, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer. Maybe he thinks I treated him unfairly. Maybe he was "hurt". But he really pushed me to react the way I did.

I'm telling you this to try to give you some perspective from someone who's been on the other side. You feel you were being a caring friend, but maybe she saw you as someone who would not accept "no" as her answer.

I hope you do choose to leave her in your past and move forward.

Ah that sounds like a difficult situation. I'm guessing you made it clear though? Whereas my friend said things like I'm not ready for a relationship now and I'll think about it. And she knew that I was waiting for her because she didn't say no.

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3 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Ah that sounds like a difficult situation. I'm guessing you made it clear though? Whereas my friend said things like I'm not ready for a relationship now and I'll think about it. And she knew that I was waiting for her because she didn't say no.

But she's saying "no" now.

I get that you thought there was a chance. But now you know she's with someone else.

I hope you will leave her in your past and not contact her anymore.

I understand you're disappointed. That's to be expected. But again, you can accept the situation as it is now and move forward.

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3 hours ago, johnbarney said:

It's not ideal but I'd prefer it to being cut off and I don't want things to be awkward with the mutual friends.

With all due respect, I don't think you would be able to emotionally handle being her friend while she's got a boyfriend.

You are already having a very hard time with this current situation. I can guarantee you would feel even worse being her "friend," knowing she didn't want you but she wants somebody else. It would drive you crazy looking at him and wondering why she chose him, why you weren't what she wanted, and so on. 

Don't worry about things being awkward with mutual friends. Cross that bridge if you come to it. 

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No you don't have narcissist behaviour. The only thing you can do is look for new partner. You should have taken the hint that she is not looking for a relationship with you specially. I hope that helps. Get a new dating picture and start searching.

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7 hours ago, WildPump said:

No you don't have narcissist behaviour. The only thing you can do is look for new partner. You should have taken the hint that she is not looking for a relationship with you specially. I hope that helps. Get a new dating picture and start searching.

I would advise him not to see it as a hint.  To me unless someone says with enthusiasm that he or she is interested in dating or a relationship it's not worth pursuing -dating is hard enough without being all in/enthusiastic.  No need to read tea leaves that way or tell yourself "well she didn't say no....." - don't date someone who can't say YES!

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