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Is any of this narcissistic behaviour?


johnbarney
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1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

Is it really insulting to offer to lend a broke friend some money when I have plenty of savings? Wouldn't it be rude not to offer?

No, it would be wise and savvy not to offer. 

She was not your girlfriend. There is no reason why you should have offered her money. You are not her caretaker nor financial support system.  

1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

Well it took a lot of courage for me to ask someone out in the first place and I don't want this to be difficult if I manage to move on from her and find someone else I like.

You will move on. But you have to let go of the idea of being friends, and let go of the "should-haves". In the future, don't bend over backwards when someone is vague about dating you, like she was. You sound like a guy with a big heart who doesn't yet know how to identify and filter out iffy prospects, and isn't great at reading between the lines and understanding that people will take advantage of your time and effort if you let them. 

Your best bet is to work on your own boundaries. 

 

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this was the friendzone, even if you had a crush and did stuff together.

I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd just gone for the kiss without asking because I feel at though that's what most guys would have done but doesn't a situation like this show that we really need to ask?

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Regardless of what you "imagined", she does not feel the same way you do.

Rumination and repetitive loop thinking will not change the outcome.

She doesn't want to be friends. She does not want to go out to lunch or to a movie with her boyfriend and you. That would be exceedingly awkward, don't you think?

Best thing for you is to move forward. 

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5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, it would be wise and savvy not to offer. 

She was not your girlfriend. There is no reason why you should have offered her money. You are not her caretaker nor financial support system.  

You will move on. But you have to let go of the idea of being friends, and let go of the "should-haves". In the future, don't bend over backwards when someone is vague about dating you, like she was. You sound like a guy with a big heart who doesn't yet know how to identify and filter out iffy prospects, and isn't great at reading between the lines and understanding that people will take advantage of your time and effort if you let them. 

Your best bet is to work on your own boundaries. 

 

Well the way I saw it, she might end up starving whilst I've got more money than I need and I care about her so it would seem crazy not to help out.

 

Isn't it good to show a potential partner that I would do anything for her?

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Regardless of what you "imagined", she does not feel the same way you do.

Rumination and repetitive loop thinking will not change the outcome.

She doesn't want to be friends. She does not want to go out to lunch or to a movie with her boyfriend and you. That would be exceedingly awkward, don't you think?

Best thing for you is to move forward. 

Well this is why she should have said no in the first place so that the friendship wouldn't have been awkward. It will probably take several months for me to move on.

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6 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd just gone for the kiss without asking because I feel at though that's what most guys would have done but doesn't a situation like this show that we really need to ask?

.......it's called sexual assault and NO men don't just force themselves on women uninvited like that. Please do not ever even entertain the idea that you should just go for it when you are so utterly clueless about the other person's interest in you.

I'm just curious.....is anything said in this thread getting through to you at all or are you completely stuck in your head and what you imagine?

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6 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

.......it's called sexual assault and NO men don't just force themselves on women uninvited like that. Please do not ever even entertain the idea that you should just go for it when you are so utterly clueless about the other person's interest in you.

I'm just curious.....is anything said in this thread getting through to you at all or are you completely stuck in your head and what you imagine?

Yes I ask because I think it's hard to know. But I'm just saying, I feel as though most men don't ask which is crazy because it's hard to know.

 

It is but I'm still feeling frustrated that she didn't just say it in no uncertain terms if she wasn't interested, that she didn't tell me asap when she was dating someone else and that she's called me a narcissist and blocked me as if I'm the one in the wrong. I've only ever been nice to her.

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30 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

that she didn't tell me asap when she was dating someone else and that she's called me a narcissist and blocked me as if I'm the one in the wrong. I've only ever been nice to her.

Google "narcissistic injury".

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54 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Well this is why she should have said no in the first place so that the friendship wouldn't have been awkward. It will probably take several months for me to move on.

She did tell you no. You just chose to "imagine" she didn't mean it.

Yes, it will take time to move on. Acceptance will come, but first you have to acknowledge the situation as it is. It's also important to stop with all the "But, but, but...!" It's creating a loop of obsessive thinking that's keeping you stuck. Try to get a handle on that.

BTW, I don't view what you've done as "narcissistic". More like a denial of reality, but nothing that indicates a harmful personality disorder. 

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1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

Well she kept moaning about her financial situation to me and I cared about her.

Previously you referred to - merely helping a *friend and then go on about having romantic feelings for her.  The lines get blurry when you say you would ultimately be happy just being her friend and you expect nothing in return.  Yet you are here several posts later confused about the fact that it didn't turn romantic.   

You use just friends, dating and romantic feelings all in the same sentence.

It might explain why she's decided not to be your friend.  As much as you protest, it's apparent that it isn't going to be ok just settling for a friendship for the two of you.  You expected something in return and that's ok to have this desire.  But she sensed the tension and decided it was best to move on.

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2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Previously you referred to - merely helping a *friend and then go on about having romantic feelings for her.  The lines get blurry when you say you would ultimately be happy just being her friend and you expect nothing in return.  Yet you are here several posts later confused about the fact that it didn't turn romantic.   

You use just friends, dating and romantic feelings all in the same sentence.

It might explain why she's decided not to be your friend.  As much as you protest, it's apparent that it isn't going to be ok just settling for a friendship for the two of you.  You expected something in return and that's ok to have this desire.  But she sensed the tension and decided it was best to move on.

 

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She did tell you no. You just chose to "imagine" she didn't mean it.

Yes, it will take time to move on. Acceptance will come, but first you have to acknowledge the situation as it is. It's also important to stop with all the "But, but, but...!" It's creating a loop of obsessive thinking that's keeping you stuck. Try to get a handle on that.

BTW, I don't view what you've done as "narcissistic". More like a denial of reality, but nothing that indicates a harmful personality disorder. 

 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Google "narcissistic injury".

 

3 hours ago, DancingFool said:

.......it's called sexual assault and NO men don't just force themselves on women uninvited like that. Please do not ever even entertain the idea that you should just go for it when you are so utterly clueless about the other person's interest in you.

I'm just curious.....is anything said in this thread getting through to you at all or are you completely stuck in your head and what you imagine?

 

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Not when she was so non-commital to you, no. 

It shows you lack good judgement and it makes you look desperate. 

Ok so I decide today to contact her on another channel, just to say I'd like to keep things friendly and she's welcome to add me again on Facebook anytime and that I sympathise with what she's been through. And she's replied to say why did I contact her on there, I've hurt her so much and the annoying thing is I won't even admit what I've done wrong let alone acknowledge it. And now she's blocked me on there.

This is so upsetting because I feel that she's hurt me but despite this I've just tried to be friendly to her and put it aside and she seems to be overreacting to the fact that I challenged her after she said she only met him a week ago.

 

I'm really worried about the situation with our mutual friends because I see them more than she does and my fear is that if they ask about how she is and I tell them we're no longer in touch but don't explain why then they might get in touch with her to ask about it and then if she says I hurt her without me having told them my side of things then what if I lose them all as friends? But then I can't see the point in dragging her name through the mud if she's not going to say that about me. What should I do?

 

Do you think she's just trying to convince herself that I'm a bad guy as an excuse to cut me off?

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When someone tells you to leave them alone and blocks you, it is not an invitation to contact them on another platform. Yes, that could be interpreted as stalking. It's unwelcome contact, particularly since she specifically told you not to contact her and blocked you. If you persist you could get into legal trouble. And if you persist she would have a legitimate reason to tell your mutual friends that you're pestering her.

Leave her alone. Don't contact her ever again.

If you are unable to control your behavior, please consult a professional for help.

I can tell you as someone who was on the receiving end of unwelcome contact, it is very upsetting and frightening. 

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5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When someone tells you to leave them alone and blocks you, it is not an invitation to contact them on another platform. Yes, that could be interpreted as stalking. It's unwelcome contact, particularly since she specifically told you not to contact her and blocked you. If you persist you could get into legal trouble. And if you persist she would have a legitimate reason to tell your mutual friends that you're pestering her.

Leave her alone. Don't contact her ever again.

If you are unable to control your behavior, please consult a professional for help.

I can tell you as someone who was on the receiving end of unwelcome contact, it is very upsetting and frightening. 

She didn't tell me not to contact her before blocking her on her Facebook. She's only saying it now, after I contacted her on WhatsApp. Being blocked is upsetting. But I've made it clear that I won't contact her again if I don't hear back.

 

The irony is that she kept commenting on every post that one of her ex's does on several channels and he ignores them but doesn't block her. But I guess from her point of view she hasn't done anything wrong to him (I've got no idea what his side of the story is) whereas she thinks I've hurt her.

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30 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I decide today to contact her on another channel. And she's replied to say why did I contact her on there. And now she's blocked me on there.

Leave her alone. Do not circumvent blocks, it's invasive. As invasive as offering money and asking to kiss her when she clearly did not want to date or a relationship.

Keep in mind she can take your communication to the police as evidence of stalking, harassing and for a restraining order. You need to get a grip and let go.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Leave her alone. Do not circumvent blocks, it's invasive. As invasive as offering money and asking to kiss her when she clearly did not want to date or a relationship.

Keep in mind she can take your communication to the police as evidence of stalking, harassing and for a restraining order. You need to get a grip and let go.

She blocked me on Facebook without sending a message first and I sent her one message on WhatsApp afterwards (in which I said if she doesn't want to chat then I won't bother her) - that is all. I hardly think that's stalking or harassing?

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1 minute ago, johnbarney said:

She blocked me on Facebook without sending a message first and I sent her one message on WhatsApp afterwards (in which I said if she doesn't want to chat then I won't bother her) - that is all. I hardly think that's stalking or harassing?

Blocking is a clear message. Did you think her blocking you meant "please contact me on another platform"?

Your imagination is getting you into a lot of trouble. Instead of imagining things, look at the reality of the situation. She does not want to be friends with you and she does not want you contacting her. 

Forget about what happened in the past. Today's reality is, she does not want to be friends. Please respect her wishes.

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27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Blocking is a clear message. Did you think her blocking you meant "please contact me on another platform"?

Your imagination is getting you into a lot of trouble. Instead of imagining things, look at the reality of the situation. She does not want to be friends with you and she does not want you contacting her. 

Forget about what happened in the past. Today's reality is, she does not want to be friends. Please respect her wishes.

I sent one friendly message - I don't think that's unreasonable. She's making me feel as though I'm in the wrong when I'm not.

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17 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I sent one friendly message - I don't think that's unreasonable. She's making me feel as though I'm in the wrong when I'm not.

I'm starting to understand why she used the term "narcissistic".

While I don't agree you're acting like a narcissist, it is clear that what you want takes priority over what she wants. In your mind, you want her and therefore you should be with her. You are disregarding her explicit wishes to not contact her (evidenced by her blocking you) and you don't see why back door contacting her after she blocked you is upsetting. It is not "friendly" to contact someone after they block you. It is unreasonable. 

I hope starting now, you will leave her alone and will not contact her again.

And please work on understanding that it takes the both of you to engage in a love relationship. Not just you wanting it. As others have said, anything other than an explicit "yes" should be taken as a "no". No matter what you "imagine" or how you want to interpret her actions, she said no so the answer is no.

And please don't loop back to "but then why did she spend all that time with me??" That's in the past. Today, she does not want to be friends. Please respect that.

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32 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I sent one friendly message - I don't think that's unreasonable. She's making me feel as though I'm in the wrong when I'm not.

You are now, for your actions today. 

When someone blocks you, it is a very clear indication not to contact them. By any means. 

Just stop. You are becoming a nuissance. 

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