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Is any of this narcissistic behaviour?


johnbarney
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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would advise him not to see it as a hint.  To me unless someone says with enthusiasm that he or she is interested in dating or a relationship it's not worth pursuing -dating is hard enough without being all in/enthusiastic.  No need to read tea leaves that way or tell yourself "well she didn't say no....." - don't date someone who can't say YES!

And even so, she is saying "no" quite clearly now. 

OP, I hope you did decide to stop trying to contact her.

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On 1/29/2022 at 5:33 PM, Batya33 said:

I would advise him not to see it as a hint.  To me unless someone says with enthusiasm that he or she is interested in dating or a relationship it's not worth pursuing -dating is hard enough without being all in/enthusiastic.  No need to read tea leaves that way or tell yourself "well she didn't say no....." - don't date someone who can't say YES!

Yes but she comments on every post that one of her ex's does on every channel and he never replies to them but he replies to other peoples' comments so it's clear that he's ignoring her. So I am wondering about possibly replying to one of them as well saying "I don't know why you don't want to know [insert her name] anymore - she's an amazing person" or something like that. Do you think that would be ok? As I wouldn't actually be commenting on one of her posts but she'd definitely see it and it would be ironic if she had an issue with it seeing as she continues to comment on everything he posts? The crazy thing is that her boyfriend has even put a comment on one of her ex's posts too!!

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1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

 As I wouldn't actually be commenting on one of her posts but she'd definitely see it.

You keep circumventing her blocks. Stalking scanning obsessing etc. obviously won't get her back. Now you're just getting creepy because your ego is out of control. You're angry she has a BF.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You keep circumventing her blocks. Stalking scanning obsessing etc. obviously won't get her back. Now you're just getting creepy because your ego is out of control. You're angry she has a BF.

No, I just find it ironic that she keeps commenting on the posts of her ex who's ghosted her but get she's blocked me 😕

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10 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

No, I just find it ironic that she keeps commenting on the posts of her ex who's ghosted her but get she's blocked me 😕

That doesn't mean you should try to get her attention by commenting on her ex's social media. 

That's just weird, OP. 

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It's not ironic.  Simple common sense-people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  This person finds a benefit in responding to her ex.  That you don't know why is because her life is none of your business.  She's her own person and gets to make her own choices that have zero to do with you.  Please don't go down the path of crazily justifying this sort of interaction since you find it "ironic".  It's none of your business and you risk harm if you make it your business by commenting.

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One of the most freeing lessons I learned in life is. . "There are just some things I am not meant to understand"    

I used to twist myself into a pretzel trying to solve some complicated riddle why someone behaved a certain way or why things happened the way they did.   When I got caught in this cycle, I would ask myself one simple question.  "Does the answer change the outcome?"   The surprising thing is the answer to this is always "No".  So, I give myself the gift of letting go.  I have to add that it feels pretty good when I give myself the permission to let go of something.

We aren't mind readers and people's behavior is complex.  Stop beating yourself over the head trying to figure this out.  What's done is done. You are wasting a lot of valuable energy that can better be used elsewhere.  All this fretting is for nothing and is going to get you further into trouble.   Not sure why you seek trouble unless you enjoy it.

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14 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

One of the most freeing lessons I learned in life is. . "There are just some things I am not meant to understand"    

I used to twist myself into a pretzel trying to solve some complicated riddle why someone behaved a certain way or why things happened the way they did.   When I got caught in this cycle, I would ask myself one simple question.  "Does the answer change the outcome?"   The surprising thing is the answer to this is always "No".  So, I give myself the gift of letting go.  I have to add that it feels pretty good when I give myself the permission to let go of something.

We aren't mind readers and people's behavior is complex.  Stop beating yourself over the head trying to figure this out.  What's done is done. You are wasting a lot of valuable energy that can better be used elsewhere.  All this fretting is for nothing and is going to get you further into trouble.   Not sure why you seek trouble unless you enjoy it.

Fair point but do you think maybe she should take this advice and stop commenting on all of the posts of her ex? I'd be really interested to know what he thinks tbh. Because her side of the story is that he asked to still be friends but then suddenly started ignoring her when she'd done nothing wrong.

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4 hours ago, johnbarney said:

Fair point but do you think maybe she should take this advice and stop commenting on all of the posts of her ex? I'd be really interested to know what he thinks tbh. Because her side of the story is that he asked to still be friends but then suddenly started ignoring her when she'd done nothing wrong.

This is irrelevant to you, OP.

Focus on your own conduct now. Not hers. 

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4 hours ago, johnbarney said:

Fair point but do you think maybe she should take this advice and stop commenting on all of the posts of her ex? I'd be really interested to know what he thinks tbh. Because her side of the story is that he asked to still be friends but then suddenly started ignoring her when she'd done nothing wrong.

You might be interested. Many people are interested in many things.  But you consider whether the contact is appropriate.  Here it is completely inappropriate for several reasons so choose to not contact. 

There is no "side of the story" and as you've seen from these posts you're analyzing it from a biased perspective as if there's some conflict here.  What she told you was her perspective and it has nothing to do with what is motivating her now.  You don't know her motives or thought process because you don't know her right now. 

She wants nothing to do with you and assume she doesn't want you contacting or interacting with people she knows -assume that to lessen the risk of you getting into trouble and increasing the emotional harm to yourself. 

 Certainly don't justify inappropriate contacting and interacting by telling yourself it's because somehow you're entitled to contact and intrude.  You're not.  It's none of your business.  Stay in your own lane.

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7 hours ago, johnbarney said:

Fair point but do you think maybe she should take this advice and stop commenting on all of the posts of her ex? I'd be really interested to know what he thinks tbh. Because her side of the story is that he asked to still be friends but then suddenly started ignoring her when she'd done nothing wrong.

Don't use this as an excuse to contact her. Don't tell yourself you're just trying to help her.

Do not attempt to contact her any more for any excuse. Move on with your life.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 2/1/2022 at 2:44 PM, boltnrun said:

Don't use this as an excuse to contact her. Don't tell yourself you're just trying to help her.

Do not attempt to contact her any more for any excuse. Move on with your life.

Ok this isn't exactly an excuse but I did pick her car up from the garage for her after a repair and paid the bill which was about £150 and said she could just pay me back when she can. I'm not sure if she even remembers this and I wouldn't have pushed her to give the money back but do you think I should try to contact her about this? Because on the one hand I cared about her so much that I wasn't bothered if she paid me back or not but on the other hand she cares about me so little that she's blocked me!

 

Also I'm trying to move on but it's really getting to me that all the time I can see that there are likes and comments on mutual friends' posts that I can't see because I'm blocked. And when the posts are public, I can see her comments by copying and pasting a link to the post into an incognito tab. But it's upsetting me so much to think that we could go through the rest of our lives with this situation and it's so unnecessary because from my side I can't see any reason not to just be friendly to each other. She may think that blocking me was the easiest option but I'm thinking about her the whole time and feeling so distressed and if she'd just chat to me it would make everything so much better!

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7 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

 I can't see because I'm blocked. And when the posts are public, I can see her comments by copying and pasting a link to the post into an incognito tab. 

You need to get a grip and let go. Stop stalking and circumventing blocks.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to get a grip and let go. Stop stalking and circumventing blocks.

It's not stalking. Should I not at least remind her that I lent her money? Because if I don't then I'm being kind by not asking for it back whilst she has cut me out of her life and has probably forgotten about it!

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Also I just can't see the point in blocking someone because if they're determined to get in touch there's always another way but if you can trust them not to message you if it's not wanted, why not just state your wishes? Surely blocking someone puts you at risk if the person you blocked is dangerous? Honestly I feel as though this is something I'd like to point out but without coming across as threatening myself!

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4 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

 she has cut me out of her life and has probably forgotten about it!

If you want the money back, have an attorney put it in writing to her. You'll lose of course because you gave it as a gift and now you're just bitter.

 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want the money back, have an attorney put it in writing to her. You'll lose of course because you gave it as a gift and now you're just bitter.

 

I'd be happy for her to keep it anyway if she welcomes me back into her life

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42 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

I'd be happy for her to keep it anyway if she welcomes me back into her life

So, if she doesn't welcome you back in your life are you going to sue her for it? Or are you going to harass her for it?

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53 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Also I just can't see the point in blocking someone because if they're determined to get in touch there's always another way but if you can trust them not to message you if it's not wanted, why not just state your wishes? Surely blocking someone puts you at risk if the person you blocked is dangerous? Honestly I feel as though this is something I'd like to point out but without coming across as threatening myself!

Because normal people assume as they should that if they block someone it means just the same thing as “don’t contact me”.  Like when I put my hand up in a “stop” configuration it means “don’t approach “ just the same as if I said it. I do that regularly if someone on the sidewalk wants me to sign something. Or if someone tries to speak to me in public or to my child and I step away or walk away I shouldn’t have to explain why I am trying to block the person from getting too close. People are entitled to space when they’ve requested it. Or shown you they want it. Rarely can a mistake be made if someone blocks you or holds up a hand - physically blocks you I’m public.
Stop playing around this way because if you get to a certain point no one will care if you say in your fantasy world that the person should have said stop in a different way  or done it your way. 

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1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

It's not stalking. Should I not at least remind her that I lent her money? Because if I don't then I'm being kind by not asking for it back whilst she has cut me out of her life and has probably forgotten about it!

A loan is a gift. She didn’t promise to pay it back.  So next time don’t loan money you actually want repaid unless you check into the legal requirements first - I have no information as to what those might be. She knows you lent her money.  She chooses not to pay it back. If you contact her directly for it that could create more issues and cost you more in time or money than what you lent her. 

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