Is any of this narcissistic behaviour?

[johnbarney]

10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think that any of what you did would be considered narcissistic behavior. I don't think you did anything wrong. She seems to be the one with problems.

You were very taken in by her, but not everyone will be deceived. Hopefully, your mutual friends don't believe everything they're told. And hopefully they know you well enough to know that you're not a narcissist!

You know, even if you were a narcissist, your friends would probably already be aware of that. They like you as you are, with or without a layman's (or professional) diagnosis.

Thanks. It's very daunting 😞

[DancingFool]

OP, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

Asking a friend to date you puts them in an awkward spot where they may feel very uncomfortable rejecting you outright and will resort to a soft let down. Exactly that she did. You should be old enough to know that anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. 

However, rather than taking the hint and respecting her space, you decided to manipulate her into what you want. Spending time with her, pressuring/guilting her with the whole "waiting on her", and otherwise acting like you are in a relationship when you are not. As a friend, you had zero reason to act like you are dating or question who she might be seeing. It is literally none of your business. She is not accountable to you in any way about it. 

Bottom line, next time someone softly rejects you, accept it and move on. It will save you a lot of headaches.

No, neither one of you is a narcissist and while she may be selfish, I doubt she had any evil intent. You did overstep boundaries in a big way, especially pitching a fit over her personal life. She was right to block you. You both could have behaved better overall but that's water under the bridge now. Just learn from this going forward.

As for mutual friends, doubt they are oblivious that you were way into her and she wasn't that into you. However, if anyone should ask if you are dating/were dating and what happened. Just be honest and brief - we were never dating. I wanted to, she wasn't into me. It happens. Next topic.

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

She lives hundreds of miles away and likes to come over to this area for events. It might seem crazy but I was driving all the way to her place every Friday and then driving her back on Sundays because she can't afford the train so it's the only way I could spend time with her.

Ok when she locked herself in the room upset, why not offer her train fare? If she is so poor and homeless whatever, don't exploit that. 

It unwise to use someone and keep them there to keep you company to solve your loneliness issues.

She was also exploiting the situation. Using you as a free BnB.  At some level she knew you wanted dating. However you both played a role in this dance.

8 weekends was enough. It was an unseemly situation.

[johnbarney]

4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

OP, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

Asking a friend to date you puts them in an awkward spot where they may feel very uncomfortable rejecting you outright and will resort to a soft let down. Exactly that she did. You should be old enough to know that anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. 

However, rather than taking the hint and respecting her space, you decided to manipulate her into what you want. Spending time with her, pressuring/guilting her with the whole "waiting on her", and otherwise acting like you are in a relationship when you are not. As a friend, you had zero reason to act like you are dating or question who she might be seeing. It is literally none of your business. She is not accountable to you in any way about it. 

Bottom line, next time someone softly rejects you, accept it and move on. It will save you a lot of headaches.

No, neither one of you is a narcissist and while she may be selfish, I doubt she had any evil intent. You did overstep boundaries in a big way, especially pitching a fit over her personal life. She was right to block you. You both could have behaved better overall but that's water under the bridge now. Just learn from this going forward.

As for mutual friends, doubt they are oblivious that you were way into her and she wasn't that into you. However, if anyone should ask if you are dating/were dating and what happened. Just be honest and brief - we were never dating. I wanted to, she wasn't into me. It happens. Next topic.

I feel as though it shouldn't be awkward because if she felt the same way then it would be happy for both of us that I asked and if she wasn't interested then she could have just said. I tried to tell her this. So I do think that she was considering me in that way at first but clearly not since she met this other guy.

 

I didn't manipulate her. I've been nice to her and there was no pressure - she could have said she's not interested at any time and the fact that she didn't indicated to me that she was still potentially interested.

 

I think that blocking someone is a horrible thing to do and implies that she really hates me! Especially after I had her to stay 8 times, kept driving hundreds of miles to her place and back twice a week to get her here and generally made an effort to do nice things with her.

 

Yeah I can try. One of the mutual friends already understands as he told me about the relationship but I doubt the others are aware at the moment.

[johnbarney]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok when she locked herself in the room upset, why not offer her train fare? If she is so poor and homeless whatever, don't exploit that. 

It unwise to use someone and keep them there to keep you company to solve your loneliness issues.

She was also exploiting the situation. Using you as a free BnB.  At some level she knew you wanted dating. However you both played a role in this dance.

8 weekends was enough. It was an unseemly situation.

It was in the evening and too late for her to get back. I offered to drive her back the next day as I'd never let her down but she chose to pay and get the train; I did drive her to the station though and we parted amicably although she didn't hug me which she normally does when we say goodbye.

 

I don't think that spending time with a friend is using someone.

 

If it wasn't for her new boyfriend then I'm sure that this would have gone on for much longer. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to block me and she just did what he said.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

don't think that spending time with a friend is using someone.

 

If it wasn't for her new boyfriend then I'm sure that this would have gone on for much longer. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to block me and she just did what he said.

You weren't with her to spend time with a friend.  You wanted her to want a relationship with you even though she said she did not.  Yes she might have continued to hang out and hook up with you until she found someone she wanted to date and be in a relationship with.  If she just did what he said -do you really want to be with someone who would do whatever someone says -if she really wanted to be with you she'd have done what he said?  You're acting like you're in denial and lying to yourself/fantasizing.  I caution you to move on so you don't react by interfering in her life and making actual problems for yourself particularly since she has a boyfriend. 

[Jibralta]

15 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Especially after I had her to stay 8 times, kept driving hundreds of miles to her place and back twice a week to get her here

That's the thing that stands out to me. Yes, I think you put yourself out there too much. But on the other hand, she willingly spent every weekend with you. You didn't kidnap her. She did this while knowing that you were interested in her. Her story was that she wasn't ready to date. So, I also understand why you would ask her about her new boyfriend. I think that's a perfectly logical question, given the situation. Then she lied to you about how long she knew him, you caught her and pointed it out, and she got angry and called you names. She seems to have a bit of a nasty side to her. I know you liked her, but I don't think that she was truly a nice person.

[johnbarney]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You weren't with her to spend time with a friend.  You wanted her to want a relationship with you even though she said she did not.  Yes she might have continued to hang out and hook up with you until she found someone she wanted to date and be in a relationship with.  If she just did what he said -do you really want to be with someone who would do whatever someone says -if she really wanted to be with you she'd have done what he said?  You're acting like you're in denial and lying to yourself/fantasizing.  I caution you to move on so you don't react by interfering in her life and making actual problems for yourself particularly since she has a boyfriend. 

I made it clear that if she doesn't want a relationship with me then I still want to be friends. She never said to me that she didn't want one - even when I asked her about this boyfriend I asked if it meant she didn't see me in that way and she denied it. We didn't actually hook up. She would have never done what I said - in fact I felt that I was the one doing what she said sometimes but I didn't mind because I really enjoyed spending time with her. If her boyfriend were to have a problem with me trying to continue the friendship with her then he'd be the one in the wrong.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

If she didn't want a relationship with me then I really think she should have said though. Rather than making it look as though we're dating in front of our mutual friends and then throwing me under the bus!

I understand that she did..."  I asked her a couple of months ago about the possibility of a relationship between us to which she said maybe, then we spent a weekend together and I asked again and she said she enjoys my company but because of bad experiences with other guys she's not ready for a relationship at the moment "

 

I think YOU got caught up in this gal but she had already told you she wasn't seeing you or considering you in this way - yet you kept at it. So, in ways, you were setting yourself up for this fall.

 

1 hour ago, johnbarney said:

she was upset with me for the following reasons:

1. For falling asleep in front of films (the reason is actually that I was losing sleep over not knowing where things would go with her) and being on my phone a lot (which is crazy because she's on her phone way more than me!)

2. For relying on her for things (e.g. asking her if she'd make me a smoothie with the smoothie maker that she brought with her, which I hardly think is a big ask seeing as I was putting her up!)

3. For "labouring things on" and repeating things I'd said before when we spoke sometimes

I didn't want there to be an issue with her so I just apologised and she said she'd give me another chance but warned me that she's not someone to be messed with.

Okay, see some red flags here?  Her behaviour?

Again, was YOUR idea to continue with this girl, who obviously has issues and says something like she is not someone to be messed with?  😮 

 

As for your friends, you just inform them that no, she will not be accompanying you anymore.  You've gone your separate ways now - and keep it this way!

If someone is this shady, you be done with them... I assume you're kinda young, and quite confused about all of this.. so, let this be a lesson.  We learn!

Be done with her.  Move on and admit you learned something from this.

 

[DancingFool]

Your absolute refusal to see or hear any point of view other than what you think or feel, is the reason she blocked you. It has nothing to do with hate and everything to do with the fact that you aren't willing to listen or pay attention to anything that doesn't fit with what you think. 

Sorry, but driving so many miles to push yourself into her life IS manipulative. You weren't doing it to be a friend, you had a clear motive to push her into a relationship with you. It didn't work out. She isn't innocent either in that she did accept the attention just not the way you were hoping for. Again, this should be a lesson for you to never behave like that again. I don't care how much you like someone, don't get stuck in tunnel vision like that.

[johnbarney]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

That's the thing that stands out to me. Yes, I think you put yourself out there too much. But on the other hand, she willingly spent every weekend with you. You didn't kidnap her. She did this while knowing that you were interested in her. I also understand why you would ask her about her new boyfriend, when her response to you during your friendship had always been that she wasn't ready to date. Then she lied to you about how long she knew him, you caught her and pointed it out, and she got angry and called you named. She seems to have a bit of a nasty side to her. I know you liked her, but I don't think that she was truly a nice person.

I would make every effort for someone that I want to spend time with. And even though it seems that she lied, she told me that she's trying to be a good friend and hasn't messed me around which did make me feel bad for calling her out. I feel sorry for her because her ex husband treated her very badly.

[Jibralta]

5 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

And even though it seems that she lied, she told me that she's trying to be a good friend and hasn't messed me around which did make me feel bad for calling her out.

Well, I think she did mess you around a bit. But I also think that you tend to view her through rose-tinted glasses. So, you are susceptible to it. I don't think you should feel bad for calling her out. She did lie to you, and that's not right. There were probably more tactful ways to handle it, but given your degree of 'smitten-ness' it's probably best that you went about it in the way that you did. I think you have to tighten up your boundaries a little. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

If it wasn't for her new boyfriend then I'm sure that this would have gone on for much longer. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to block me and she just did what he said.

You need to get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available single women. 

You're acting like a victim as if this guy edged you out, but in fact "I don't want a relationship" is something you chose to tune out and twist into what your fantasy wanted and turn into "maybe someday"..

It's also bizarre to drive hours round trip to keep yourself from loneliness. She's broke and crazy to participate in this but you played quite a role in this.

[johnbarney]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I understand that she did..."  I asked her a couple of months ago about the possibility of a relationship between us to which she said maybe, then we spent a weekend together and I asked again and she said she enjoys my company but because of bad experiences with other guys she's not ready for a relationship at the moment "

 

I think YOU got caught up in this gal but she had already told you she wasn't seeing you or considering you in this way - yet you kept at it. So, in ways, you were setting yourself up for this fall.

 

Okay, see some red flags here?  Her behaviour?

Again, was YOUR idea to continue with this girl, who obviously has issues and says something like she is not someone to be messed with?  😮 

 

As for your friends, you just inform them that no, she will not be accompanying you anymore.  You've gone your separate ways now - and keep it this way!

If someone is this shady, you be done with them... I assume you're kinda young, and quite confused about all of this.. so, let this be a lesson.  We learn!

Be done with her.  Move on and admit you learned something from this.

 

But my understanding was that she didn't want a relationship with anyone but that once she was ready then she would consider me. I also got drawn in by the fact that she put lots of hearts in her messages to me when we started chatting but then I realised that she does this with everyone.

 

Yes but despite her behaviour I really enjoy spending time with her and this didn't change how I feel. She said she's not to be messed with because of how her ex's have treated her - mainly her horrible ex husband.

 

Fairly young but I think it's worth making an effort with someone that I really like.

 

It's tough to go from seeing her every week and messaging most days to not being able to chat to her at all 😞 And the crazy thing is that she's always commenting on the Facebook posts of one of her ex's who ignores her so I would have thought that she'd realise how horrible it is to cut someone off.

[EitherDare0]

As someone who spent 2.5 years with a literal diagnosed narcissist. This does NOT sound like narcissism. 

I think it's just being human. You liked this girl, and you were willing to put yourself in the the waiting zone, hoping she'd change her mind. She told you she didn't want anything, several times. In part, that could have been a nice way of rejecting you specifically. She obviously liked spending time with you and wanted to continue. I do not know your level of friend, but it's possible she was sort of using you a little, to sort of fill that void of a committed partner. Until she found someone she wanted to be with... and of course was not honest about bc she likely didn't want to hurt you, and selfishly didn't want to ruin what you two have, which is convenient for her.

You seemingly were the nice guy, she friend-zoned you, but you held hope she would change your mind. That rarely ever goes well.

I understand you were upset to find she was dishonest, but you did go a bit far. Stocking social media and investigating into her love life.... yeah that;s not a good look. Makes you look jealous.

Give her some space, leave her a lone for awhile. It is not likely you will return to what you were, sorry to say. But it certainly wouldnt be any time soon. Your best bet is to go find someone else that is willing to give you waht you're looking for. 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

If her boyfriend were to have a problem with me trying to continue the friendship with her then he'd be the one in the wrong.

Actually, no. 

He would be drawing a boundary with a guy who is head-over-heels for his girlfriend.

You can't honestly expect anyone to believe you would be fine with her continuing a friendship with a dude who's been desperately trying to get her to fall in love with him for the last 8 weekends. 

Of course he doesn't want you in her life. It's up her to choose, but it's not at all unreasonable that he would not support your "friendship" with her. 

[johnbarney]

7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, I think she did mess you around a bit. But I also think that you tend to view her through rose-tinted glasses. So, you are susceptible to it. I don't think you should feel bad for calling her out. She did lie to you, and that's not right. There were probably more tactful ways to handle it, but given your degree of 'smitten-ness' it's probably best that you went about it in the way that you did. I think you have to tighten up your boundaries a little. 

Thanks. I'm feeling so depressed now 😞

[SooSad33]

4 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

It's tough to go from seeing her every week and messaging most days to not being able to chat to her at all 😞 And the crazy thing is that she's always commenting on the Facebook posts of one of her ex's who ignores her so I would have thought that she'd realise how horrible it is to cut someone off.

I hope in time you do realize how messed up she really is 😕 . From her past experiences with a nasty ex, sounds like that has spilled onto her own life now. ( the talk of 'narcissist', etc).

She seems to 'crave attention'?  Then is possibly seeking attention of a few guys, not just you... ya think?

Then you'll realize her ways. And that she is really no good for anyone at this time of her life.

You were willing 'to give' so she would take.

BUT, I do not see her as very 'stable'.  This is again, no good!  You need to see all of this.

We learn.. as I mentioned.  Is time for you to sit back and take a good look at her actions & behaviour.  

Believe me.. this is not someone you'd want to be involved with, at all.

Now, you need to back off, totally. Work on getting over all of this sad mess . Heal & move on.

 

[johnbarney]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available single women. 

You're acting like a victim as if this guy edged you out, but in fact "I don't want a relationship" is something you chose to tune out and twist into what your fantasy wanted and turn into "maybe someday"..

It's also bizarre to drive hours round trip to keep yourself from loneliness. She's broke and crazy to participate in this but you played quite a role in this.

It's hard for me to see anyone else in that way when I like her so much. I've used dating apps quite a bit but what always happens is I get attached to someone, then at some point she ghost me and I get really depressed and I don't understand why other people can't just keep things friendly!

 

It was the happiest part of my week, picking her up and having that feeling that I had the whole weekend with her ahead of me.

[johnbarney]

9 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

As someone who spent 2.5 years with a literal diagnosed narcissist. This does NOT sound like narcissism. 

I think it's just being human. You liked this girl, and you were willing to put yourself in the the waiting zone, hoping she'd change her mind. She told you she didn't want anything, several times. In part, that could have been a nice way of rejecting you specifically. She obviously liked spending time with you and wanted to continue. I do not know your level of friend, but it's possible she was sort of using you a little, to sort of fill that void of a committed partner. Until she found someone she wanted to be with... and of course was not honest about bc she likely didn't want to hurt you, and selfishly didn't want to ruin what you two have, which is convenient for her.

You seemingly were the nice guy, she friend-zoned you, but you held hope she would change your mind. That rarely ever goes well.

I understand you were upset to find she was dishonest, but you did go a bit far. Stocking social media and investigating into her love life.... yeah that;s not a good look. Makes you look jealous.

Give her some space, leave her a lone for awhile. It is not likely you will return to what you were, sorry to say. But it certainly wouldnt be any time soon. Your best bet is to go find someone else that is willing to give you waht you're looking for. 

Ah sorry to hear that 😞

I think if she definitely wasn't interested then she should have told me rather than letting me keep asking and getting more attached. You say she didn't want to hurt me but why would she block me if that's the case?

Isn't it normal to look at her new boyfriend's profile in that situation?

I don't know what will happen if I bump into her sometime because she may stay with one of the other friends sometime to come to one of the events that we go to.

[johnbarney]

6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I hope in time you do realize how messed up she really is 😕 . From her past experiences with a nasty ex, sounds like that has spilled onto her own life now. ( the talk of 'narcissist', etc).

She seems to 'crave attention'?  Then is possibly seeking attention of a few guys, not just you... ya think?

Then you'll realize her ways. And that she is really no good for anyone at this time of her life.

You were willing 'to give' so she would take.

BUT, I do not see her as very 'stable'.  This is again, no good!  You need to see all of this.

We learn.. as I mentioned.  Is time for you to sit back and take a good look at her actions & behaviour.  

Believe me.. this is not someone you'd want to be involved with, at all.

Now, you need to back off, totally. Work on getting over all of this sad mess . Heal & move on.

 

Spending time with her made me feel so happy though, isn't that what matters? And as she's been messed around by other people, I felt sorry for her and wanted to try to make her happy.

 

Well most of her friends are male but I don't know if that means anything?

 

I don't know how to move on from someone that I like so much 😞

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Spending time with her made me feel so happy though, isn't that what matters? And as she's been messed around by other people, I felt sorry for her and wanted to try to make her happy.

That's because you have a fantasy version of her in your head. 

The reality is something quite different, as you're now learning the hard way. 

[johnbarney]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

That's because you have a fantasy version of her in your head. 

The reality is something quite different, as you're now learning the hard way. 

Well if she'd developed feelings for me then I'm sure we would have both been happy

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Well if she'd developed feelings for me then I'm sure we would have both been happy

You have to let go of this notion. 

If she had any sort of romantic interest in you, another guy would not have been able to turn her head. It wasn't going to happen between you two, unfortunately. 

[SooSad33]

13 minutes ago, johnbarney said:

Spending time with her made me feel so happy though, isn't that what matters? And as she's been messed around by other people, I felt sorry for her and wanted to try to make her happy.

Okay, so it made YOU happy.  But I don't think she is very happy.. Not with herself or anything right now.

Yes, if she has been messed around by other's then she is messed.. see it?

Your mindset is possibly a lot more stable than hers.

You cannot 'fix her' though.  She's most likely be much better on her own for a while, not seeking attention this way from anyone who will give it.

Don't feel sorry for her like this.  She will carry on and on like she is, until someday she hits bottom or realizes this isn't good for her and smartens up.  It takes that much sometimes for someone to realize their behaviour is wrong and doing them no good.

We all make our own choices in life and this is what it takes sometimes... before we realize we need to change and work on ourselves a while.