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Can't Seem To Get To The Next Step


EitherDare0
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I've been pretty significantly in the dating game for the past 3 months. Online has been my go to meeting women, and I have been able to attract and meet several women.

It just never feels like I am able to go to the next step with any women romantically. 

Perhaps it is lofty expectations to hit it off really quickly? As in, maybe I need to be more mentally patient. I want to be at the point where the sparks fly. It's weird, it's as if I am not sure how to proceed to the next step. 

It gets deeper than that though. Internally, I am lonely, craving a serious partner to be with, to love me and me them. I cannot let that show, as I do not want to overload or scare off anyone. So I am extra careful on not seeming desperate or too much too soon. 

There are two women that I have been talking with, and so far so good, but it's only been about a week, I went on a date with each. I talked to each about a 2nd date, and we agreed to a second date in both cases, but I have not been specific yet, as I wanted to give it a little bit. I myself could go out every other day with either of these women, and be very happy. However, many people aren't like that.

To compensate for my loneliness, I have my own demons I have been trying to keep away. I have been able to attract and sleep with two other women, one when out of town, and another local.... both in agreement of casual fun. BUT that's not what I truly want. It fulfills my desires sexually, but all I really want is one single woman that I love, and they love me, and we have all the great things that come with a truly loving relationships. I do not want to be a man-***, or serial dater dating 5 different women at once. All my friends think it's great, but they are married and do not know the true lonely world I live in. 

All I want is a partner and best-friend, to fulfill and share my life with. But I cannot seem to figure out how to obtain it.

 

 

 

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59 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

 I am lonely, craving a serious partner to be with, to love me and me them. 

I have been able to attract and sleep with two other women.... both in agreement of casual fun. 

Playing the field and what you claim you want are two diametrically opposed goals.

If you claim you want a deep relationship and to be loved, but all you do is run around having casual sex, you'll have to stop playing it cool and stop your pump and dump routine .

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How so? Anytime I tried to focus on one girl early on, it just left me feeling sad when it didn't work, and I feel like I was part of why it didn't work bc I was too invested in them only. Got burned on that twice. 

Women surely don't just talk to one man either. Chances are, in the early stages like this, they are easily talking to a few other men too.

There is no pump and dump... Those other 2 women were clear casual fun encounters. One was in Texas during work, the other is local... but in both instances it's clear and communicated we were just having fun. No dates...

What I want, is to pursue meaningful dates with a girl, feel that spark, and fall in love. The only two girls I am seriously considering, each one we've been out once. We talk fairly regularly, but I am trying to take it slow and be patient, which is what I did not do the first 2 times I was burned. 

Sadly, the last time I played the field and was meeting girls and having fun, I met a girl who I hit it off with so well, I stopped all that immediately and we ended up together for 5 years...

Edited by EitherDare0
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Having these casual women is a distraction and also limits you in that you have a fall back if things are not looking as good as you want or think you want.

  Look at it this way.  If you had your back against the wall and things were getting tough on what you really want are you more likely to do the hard things to get what you want when there is an escape hatch letting you go get a fix to lesson your loneliness? 

  Besides lets say you find a woman you really are into and sparks fly but then she finds out while you were "dating" her you were also banging some other woman on the side.  Do you think that would increase or decrease your chances at the relationship you want?  I am not judging you hooking up but it doesn't seem to be  beneficial to your long term goal.

 As far as how to go to the next step with women goes.  First dates are actually first meets so think of them in that way.  Not everyone is super relaxed and themselves on a first meet so keep that in mind.  If there is physical AND mental attraction, the conversation flows easily, no red flags and there seems to be mutual interest then a second date is in order BUT if you don't feel excited to see them again and think about them frequently then chances are you are not that into them and are just seeing them again to make it feel like you are making progress in your search.

   Don't use other people while you continue your search, it just isn't right. If you aren't feeling it then end it as soon as possible.

Have you ever been in a relationship?  Have you ever felt the sparks?  Have you ever been excited to see someone as soon as possible? Have you ever thought about them a lot between dates?

  These are the things to consider.

In the end if you have to convince yourself to go on a date with them it is a bad sign.

  Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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I say instead of investing your time with these ladies that don't offer what you are looking for, invest in women who are, and that means going out on a lot of first dates to meet this person. Already some missed opportunities for sure.

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12 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I've been pretty significantly in the dating game for the past 3 months. Online has been my go to meeting women, and I have been able to attract and meet several women.

It just never feels like I am able to go to the next step with any women romantically. 

Perhaps it is lofty expectations to hit it off really quickly? As in, maybe I need to be more mentally patient. I want to be at the point where the sparks fly. It's weird, it's as if I am not sure how to proceed to the next step. 

It gets deeper than that though. Internally, I am lonely, craving a serious partner to be with, to love me and me them. I cannot let that show, as I do not want to overload or scare off anyone. So I am extra careful on not seeming desperate or too much too soon. 

There are two women that I have been talking with, and so far so good, but it's only been about a week, I went on a date with each. I talked to each about a 2nd date, and we agreed to a second date in both cases, but I have not been specific yet, as I wanted to give it a little bit. I myself could go out every other day with either of these women, and be very happy. However, many people aren't like that.

To compensate for my loneliness, I have my own demons I have been trying to keep away. I have been able to attract and sleep with two other women, one when out of town, and another local.... both in agreement of casual fun. BUT that's not what I truly want. It fulfills my desires sexually, but all I really want is one single woman that I love, and they love me, and we have all the great things that come with a truly loving relationships. I do not want to be a man-***, or serial dater dating 5 different women at once. All my friends think it's great, but they are married and do not know the true lonely world I live in. 

All I want is a partner and best-friend, to fulfill and share my life with. But I cannot seem to figure out how to obtain it.

 

Then practice little by little and step by step.

" I am lonely, craving a serious partner to be with, to love me and me them. I cannot let that show, as I do not want to overload or scare off anyone. So I am extra careful on not seeming desperate or too much too soon. " 

Find a reasonable middle ground and stay grounded in the way you date or meet new people. If you're looking for something more long term say so and take your time getting to know that person. 

You're self-sabotaging looking for hook ups at the same time. Why even bother. People can sense when you're anxious and so afraid that you don't know how to move forward. Your real problem is that you aren't taking your time and letting the dating unfold with someone. Deal with this and taking small bites with someone you can really see yourself with long term. 

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12 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I have been able to attract and meet several women.

It just never feels like I am able to go to the next step with any women romantically. 

Perhaps it is lofty expectations to hit it off really quickly? As in, maybe I need to be more mentally patient. I want to be at the point where the sparks fly. It's weird, it's as if I am not sure how to proceed to the next step. 

You are willing to meet just about anyone?

And you feel you're not getting anywhere.. Well, feelings need to be there.. you need to click.  And you won;t with everyone you meet.  They're probably weaving through the weeds like you are.

12 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I am lonely, craving a serious partner to be with, to love me and me them. I cannot let that show, as I do not want to overload or scare off anyone. So I am extra careful on not seeming desperate or too much too soon. 

You're 'craving' a partner.. so you'll meet up with anyone... that can cloud your judgement. 

 

11 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Anytime I tried to focus on one girl early on, it just left me feeling sad when it didn't work, and I feel like I was part of why it didn't work bc I was too invested in them only. Got burned on that twice. 

Every experience is different.  If you're going to get involved with this gal.. and then another, yeah, it adds up.  You got burned twice and it'll possibly happen again.

Don't settle for just anyone.. Not the way to go. Don't settle just to not be alone.

Have you ever thought about sitting out a while, away from all of this with 'women' and just doing some work on yourself?

So you don't feel 'burned by women' or desperate etc?

That when you do look at dating, you don't look at it as such a stressful, negative, challenging thing?

 

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48 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Having these casual women is a distraction and also limits you in that you have a fall back if things are not looking as good as you want or think you want.

  Look at it this way.  If you had your back against the wall and things were getting tough on what you really want are you more likely to do the hard things to get what you want when there is an escape hatch letting you go get a fix to lesson your loneliness? 

  Besides lets say you find a woman you really are into and sparks fly but then she finds out while you were "dating" her you were also banging some other woman on the side.  Do you think that would increase or decrease your chances at the relationship you want?  I am not judging you hooking up but it doesn't seem to be  beneficial to your long term goal.

 As far as how to go to the next step with women goes.  First dates are actually first meets so think of them in that way.  Not everyone is super relaxed and themselves on a first meet so keep that in mind.  If there is physical AND mental attraction, the conversation flows easily, no red flags and there seems to be mutual interest then a second date is in order BUT if you don't feel excited to see them again and think about them frequently then chances are you are not that into them and are just seeing them again to make it feel like you are making progress in your search.

   Don't use other people while you continue your search, it just isn't right. If you aren't feeling it then end it as soon as possible.

Have you ever been in a relationship?  Have you ever felt the sparks?  Have you ever been excited to see someone as soon as possible? Have you ever thought about them a lot between dates?

  These are the things to consider.

In the end if you have to convince yourself to go on a date with them it is a bad sign.

  Lost

I suppose the casual things is more of a fulfillment thing. One was when I was out of town for a few days, so that's for sure over. The other, I think honestly both of us just needed some release in this crazy ass dating world we live. It was established for what it was. I do not want to sleep around, and I don't plan on it. However, when the dating game doesn't seem to be going well for me, I start to get frustrated, and there is a little evil voice inside of me that pushes me to go sleep around. It sounds juvenile. I would imagine psychologically it is a way that I cope for rejection and inability to get into a deep, meaningful relationship.

Now for the actual dating scene (different girls)

Both women I went on first dates with, I had a really good time with. The conversations flowed well and I genuinely think both went well. They both still talk to me and seem interested in more. Well in fact they've both said they;d enjoy going out with me again. 

My problem is I am trying to not be too much too soon. I am not sure what the timetable is. My last significant GF, the spark was so strong we could not get enough of each-other. So I never felt like I was too much too soon. 

Both women I went on first dates with recently, I have thought about A LOT. I've been doing my best not to overplay my hand, but also keep in enough contact they can tell I still have interest.  I want to see both of them again.

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Edited to add -I meant to post this hours ago and now see others "agree

with me. "  Also if you still feel the need to behave in a juvenile way by having casual sex for "fulfillment" ask yourself whether you're ready for something serious or whether you want to just kick back and have fun meeting women and dating casually and having sex when you feel like it.

 

Many years ago I went on a date with my neighbor who I'd had a crush on for awhile.  We were both single.  He told me he was looking for something serious but in the meanwhile had casual sex with this woman once a week or so who he saw no future with but had recently ended that.  Huge huge turnoff.  His values I mean.  I mean I assume the woman consented to casual sex but just a huge turnoff. 

Others are fine with it.  So if you are looking for a serious relationship be careful about having casual multiple partners right now - because you might turn off women who think that that shows you are not looking for something serious or who don't really want to be with someone who recently had multiple partners. 

I did date some men who behaved as you did -one for 5 months.  After me I don't think he slept around again as he met his future wife within 6 months after ending things with me.  Just a word of caution.  Ask yourself if you're reluctant to seek a confirmed second date but fine having casual sex .... are you sure you actually want something serious??

Edited by Batya33
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40 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I say instead of investing your time with these ladies that don't offer what you are looking for, invest in women who are, and that means going out on a lot of first dates to meet this person. Already some missed opportunities for sure.

Honestly I have gone on a lot of first dates. I suppose I should feel confident in myself as it seems like I do not have much trouble finding women to go out with me. 

I am still pretty selective. There have been plenty of women I have not enjoyed enough to ask out. I have also been ghosted/bailed on a few times when dates were planned, but that seems to be the norm anymore in society sadly.

Trying to keep the number high enough, but not too high. There are two women I have went out with recently, and want to see again. There are two more that seems to be heading in the direction of a first date soon.  Not to sound arrogant, but there are other women I could take out most likely, but I am not feeling them enough. I have no idea how women do it. It is exhausting talking with intent to 4-5 women, I cannot imagine being a girl having sooooo many more trying. 

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I went on many many dates in my quest for a husband.  Multiple in one week.  It's totally fine to be selective.  But please know that many selective women will respond unfavorably to your casual sex behavior -and yes in many situations they will be entitled to know to the extent that they need to make sure you get tested and they wait the appropriate amount of time so the tests are accurate.  

I'd stop the "society" stuff. I dated from 1980-2005 - there were plenty of no shows/lame/flaky behavior.  And before cell phones too.  It's not society.  It's individuals.

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This is more for the ladies. What is a good rate of pace for progressing things, second date, talking via text or phone etc?

Girl 1, we matched, and I introduced the idea of a phone call before meeting. We talked for an hour, had great conversation and she told me I was easy to talk to and she'd like to meet. I took her out for brunch Saturday, January 15th. I do think we had a nice time, and she said she'd like to meet again. She is a terrible texter though, and has been since the beginning. Constantly saying she forgot to respond, or was sooo busy etc. So I thought at first that she wasnt interested, but then she did follow through and go out with me anyhow. After the date she said she'd like to again. It's at the point where I may text her during the day, she'll finally get back to me around 10pm. She has told me she is so slammed all the time that she uses her winding down period at 9-10pm to catch up on the social life. She works FT in a tough job and is pursuing her MBA. She is also a workout-aholic. A few days ago I had mentioned the only free time I had this week was Wednesday and Thursday... which she told me probably wouldn't work but she'll let me know. So for now, we text eachother maybe once or twice a day. She has made it a point to continually text me too and at least talks genuinely interested. So unless she is super super nice and doesnt know how to tell someone she isn't interested, I guess she is still interested.

 

Girl 2, matched, and she wanted to facetime. We did, and it was really nice. We went out this past Thursday and had a really nice time. I told her in-person I liked her and I want to see her again. She agreed and seemed genuinely interested. She is very good with communication, is not hesitant to text me and strike up the conversation. If I text her, she is always very responsive quickly, using a lot of emojis etc. I mentioned I was free Wednesday and Thursday and she seemed to be glad to see I was asking, but will have to let me know because she is out of town. She seems more of a go getter than girl 1, she will make more intent to strike up a conversation or ask me how I am, or how my day is going. Girl 1 certainly will text and be responsive, but isn't as proactive. Could be a difference in personality, could be less intersted? Who knows....

 

I am not sure of the timing of things. Is it normal to hit it off well with someone, but wait a few weeks to go out again? Would women usually do that even if super interested.... or would rather they make time earlier if asked if they really wanted to.

 

I feel so out of touch with the dating world being out of the game soooo long. I do not want to overdo it and seem needy or clingy. But I want to do enough to maintain the attraction and show the interest, because I am not dumb and I know tons of men are always lurking. Which it is also possible each is talking with intent to other men too. Which is fine obviously, that's dating and understandable.

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1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

This is more for the ladies. What is a good rate of pace for progressing things, second date, talking via text or phone etc?

I didn't have a cell phone till my third trimester so we didn't text but we emailed.  He had a cell phone.  So - rate - if a stranger  -first meet within a week or so of first contact - one or two phone calls prior.  After first meet then first date within a week and second within a week.  Call to make and confirm plans and call once or so to catch up maybe.  A couple of emails.  I would have hated the constant texting - I like to get to know people over a period of time like unwrapping a package rather than knowing you had the spinach feta wrap for lunch, as pictured. 

After 4-6 dates over around a month or so, then maybe calling a couple of times a week, seeing each other more like twice a week.  Once exclusive -like around the 2 month mark, then seeing each other most of the weekend, talking on most days you don't see each other.  I typically waited months to have actual sex, did sleepovers prior to that with us both being on the same page about sex.  Also around 2-3 months meeting each other's friends and maybe making future plans - you know like concert tickets, theater tickets, holiday plans.  

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11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't have a cell phone till my third trimester so we didn't text but we emailed.  He had a cell phone.  So - rate - if a stranger  -first meet within a week or so of first contact - one or two phone calls prior.  After first meet then first date within a week and second within a week.  Call to make and confirm plans and call once or so to catch up maybe.  A couple of emails.  I would have hated the constant texting - I like to get to know people over a period of time like unwrapping a package rather than knowing you had the spinach feta wrap for lunch, as pictured. 

After 4-6 dates over around a month or so, then maybe calling a couple of times a week, seeing each other more like twice a week.  Once exclusive -like around the 2 month mark, then seeing each other most of the weekend, talking on most days you don't see each other.  I typically waited months to have actual sex, did sleepovers prior to that with us both being on the same page about sex.  Also around 2-3 months meeting each other's friends and maybe making future plans - you know like concert tickets, theater tickets, holiday plans.  

Sucks having to be that patient. I guess I am one who when I like someone, I want to see them a good amount. I do not want to become their world, and they can and should do other things, hang out with friends, etc. 

Sucks that my personality style is less bothered by consistent time together. I know in part that stems from my strong desire to be in a committed relationship, maybe to find what I used to have, and want to have again.

 

Girl 1 had told me tentatively Thursday, as long as she is able to get enough of her homework done. Not sure how I feel about this one. She maintains enough interest and keeps talking like she wants to see me again, but it does feel a little like it's not high on her list, in a way. I get busy, but I feel like you make time if you really want to see someone.

Girl 2 said "I hope to see you on my off days. 🙂 " But seeing as I already floated that before I told her "I do too, but that;s up to you, ya already know I am in. "

 

I certainly have more faith in girl 2, she seems to want to make it happen more.

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3 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Sucks having to be that patient. I guess I am one who when I like someone, I want to see them a good amount.

Good things come to those who wait and choose to be other centered. Of course I wanted to see the person more. But I had long term goals in mind.  Speed of light insta-relationships were more likely to crash and burn.  It's good to give space, to allow the other person to miss you, to save up stories to tell when you do see each other -that's being giving not always focusing on "I want it, I want it right now".  

I was really focused on my studies too and when I met a guy I wanted to see I either made plans or not -not the "tentative" unless I was in the middle of an intense work deadline during the week especially -then since I lived a the whim of my bosses I made it tentative.  But I did my utmost to express interest and offer an alternative day if I could.  

Edited by Batya33
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7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, exactly. Girl 2 is making you more of a priority.

Definitely, which is why she will be a higher priority for me.

Which honestly is fine, that's part of why I think early on talking to a few different people of interest is a good idea. It's always an interesting ride. 

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are they? Perhaps they're not ready for anything serious?

She is 29. When we spoke early on she said her goal is to find someone to settle down with, to have kids etc. We agreed that doesn't mean rush into it for the sake of it, but she did say that's her goal, and she felt like her clock was ticking a little bit being 29. Her words...

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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Good things come to those who wait and choose to be other centered. Of course I wanted to see the person more. But I had long term goals in mind.  Speed of light insta-relationships were more likely to crash and burn.  It's good to give space, to allow the other person to miss you, to save up stories to tell when you do see each other -that's being giving not always focusing on "I want it, I want it right now".  

I was really focused on my studies too and when I met a guy I wanted to see I either made plans or not -not the "tentative" unless I was in the middle of an intense work deadline during the week especially -then since I lived a the whim of my bosses I made it tentative.  But I did my utmost to express interest and offer an alternative day if I could.  

I agree, just sucks because the ideal is to hit it off so strongly you can't get enough of each-other. that is what happened in my 2.5 yr relationship, the sparks, passion, and fire were so strong, it was like we couldn't get enough of eachother. I loved that. 

Yeah Girl 1 is a little peculiar. To give her some credit, she is in a tough field, Biomedical Sales, while trying to finish her MBA too, and she's a workout-aholic, either training at the gym or mountain biking etc nonstop.

It's like when I think "Well maybe her slow to respond etc means she just isn't interested" she will text with some intent, seem interested to be texting, in-depth responses with substance etc. She does not just text one liners or politely answer. BUT then again it's like, do your actions speak louder than words? She was telling me the other day she had to cancel on her friends bc she had so much going on with school and work, and was telling me "Never go back to school it's killing me!"

One thing is for certain, I am not going to chase. It hasn't been two weeks yet since our first date, and we do talk a little here and there. I do not really have any issue with taking it this slow so early on, but I guess we'll see where it goes. So many unknowns. Also probable there are other men too she is trying to balance in there. Right now it's no harm no foul, she owes me nothing and it's so early on, but either we see each-other and the desire grows, or it fizzles out bc I am not enough of a priority. 

This kind of stuff is why I always tell my friends do not even ask about my dating life. If someone makes it to a month and it seems solid, then you can know lol. 

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6 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I agree, just sucks because the ideal is to hit it off so strongly you can't get enough of each-other. that is what happened in my 2.5 yr relationship, the sparks, passion, and fire were so strong, it was like we couldn't get enough of eachother. I loved that. 

Yeah Girl 1 is a little peculiar. To give her some credit, she is in a tough field, Biomedical Sales, while trying to finish her MBA too, and she's a workout-aholic, either training at the gym or mountain biking etc nonstop.

I think you need to think more clearly about what it is that you want in the first paragraph v. what this girl can offer and is showing to you - a much cooler nature that is focused on things other than relationships. The latter is not going to change. This is who she is and who she is doesn't sound like a good match to you and what you want from a relationship - time and closeness.

Basically, maybe don't waste your time on matches that aren't a good match. It may seem like no harm no foul, but in reality, we only have the capacity to focus on so much. It's better to cut out incompatible people early on and keep on seeking those who would be better. Be it girl 2 or adding other matches into the mix as well.

It doesn't matter that this girl reaches out with some intent and has substance because even if you do proceed to dating more, you'll never really be satisfied or happy with the situation. It will always lack that fire, time, and closeness that you need.

On that note, what you need is fairly realistic. Soooo.... don't waste your energy on those who are incompatible off the bat. I know dating can be tedious, but weeding out ruthlessly makes it easier in the end to find the right match.

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If you match the other persons interest and excitement level plus a little more you cannot go wrong.

Playing it to cool will leave you beaten out by another guy more times than not if these women have a lot of interest thrown their way.

  From what you have written and if I was in your shoes I would turn most of my attention towards woman 2 and set up a date very soon. I get what you are saying about not wanting to come off as needy or desperate but it seems you are on a good track here.

 Keep the dates simple and make sure you have time to get to know her in different settings.  People always show who they are if you let them.

  Relax and be yourself and have fun!

Lost

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The first woman will only be able to squeeze you in here and there. Is that enough for you? If not, don't waste your time continuing to pursue dating her, especially if you're the type to get attached quickly.

I think the second woman seems more promising. I'd ask her for a second date as soon as you can.

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2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I agree, just sucks because the ideal is to hit it off so strongly you can't get enough of each-other. that is what happened in my 2.5 yr relationship, the sparks, passion, and fire were so strong, it was like we couldn't get enough of eachother. I loved that. 

Yeah Girl 1 is a little peculiar. To give her some credit, she is in a tough field, Biomedical Sales, while trying to finish her MBA too, and she's a workout-aholic, either training at the gym or mountain biking etc nonstop.

It's like when I think "Well maybe her slow to respond etc means she just isn't interested" she will text with some intent, seem interested to be texting, in-depth responses with substance etc. She does not just text one liners or politely answer. BUT then again it's like, do your actions speak louder than words? She was telling me the other day she had to cancel on her friends bc she had so much going on with school and work, and was telling me "Never go back to school it's killing me!"

One thing is for certain, I am not going to chase. It hasn't been two weeks yet since our first date, and we do talk a little here and there. I do not really have any issue with taking it this slow so early on, but I guess we'll see where it goes. So many unknowns. Also probable there are other men too she is trying to balance in there. Right now it's no harm no foul, she owes me nothing and it's so early on, but either we see each-other and the desire grows, or it fizzles out bc I am not enough of a priority. 

This kind of stuff is why I always tell my friends do not even ask about my dating life. If someone makes it to a month and it seems solid, then you can know lol. 

Well no.  Some relationships start out like that and the couple still chooses to pace themselves - in part because they  wisely choose not to dump all their friends and activities - and in other cases it’s a slower burn - there’s a spark but it builds over time.  Neither approach or situation is wrong but both and everything in between can be the foundation for the long term.  And someone saying I can’t help but call her all the time and see her every day can help it.  
They choose not go and often say that after two weeks they feel like they’ve known each other forever.  It’s not true.  
You need to get to know someone over a long period of time so you can see how they act at holidays , under work pressure, when a drive cuts them off or a waiter brings lukewarm food. When they get a promotion.  Or start a fitness routine. or face the last bit of cheesecake in the fridge that is your favorite. 

having casual sex and multiple partners is instant gratification.  Sometimes risks not being motivated to wait for the good stuff which can take a much longer time. 

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