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Can't Seem To Get To The Next Step


EitherDare0
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On 1/24/2022 at 2:12 PM, EitherDare0 said:

I would imagine psychologically it is a way that I cope for rejection and inability to get into a deep, meaningful relationship.

 

You'll need to adopt more resilience than this. Dating is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. If you can't grasp that most people are NOT our match, you'll sink yourself every time you meet a bad match.

Most people do NOT own the capacity to view us through the right lens. That's natural odds. So you're smart to hold out for true simpatico with someone who 'gets you,' but it only takes one RIGHT one--not everyone.

Allow wrong matches to pass early. Think of rejection as a simple mismatch. Nobody is better or worse than anyone else, we're just not meant to hit it off with most people.

Head high and hang in there.

 

 

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SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS

 

I appreciate all the responses. It's just so frustrating. It doesn't seem to matter who it is, so often I feel like "just an option", nobody wants to make me a priority. Sometimes I don't know if I am thinking unreasonable, or if I am justified. I expect people to have lives, friends, things coming up... and if they are busy they have limited time and might only be able to do very little, trying to please everyone. But damn, it's ALWAYS something with women I am meeting. And there is no type I am going for besides I guess the fact they are all off Hinge dating app.

The sad reality is it seems so normal now to attract women more when you give zero ***. I do not want to paint all women the same or come off as a woman hater... but dang. I try to be cognizant of how I am towards new dates.... I want to seem interested obviously, but try to be self-aware to not come off too much. I don't just talk a game, I back it up. If I say I will take you out, I do it, I don't just talk and then get cold feet. 

It's like, do I take them at there word, or take them by their action. It's hard to discern at times. It is very very hard to not get discouraged in all of this. I try to be patient, do things for me, work on myself, stay busy, go to the gym DAILY, focus on my own goals and aim for things. But when time and time and time again it seems like it goes from exciting new potential to fizzle out excuses/just an option. Sadly this goes for friends too. I have a friend group, same way. ANYTIME I try to plan or get people to go out and do anything, everyone is always too busy. 

 

Girl 1

told me a few days ago in summary "Maybe Thursday if I can get all my homework done" It's always a maybe it seems. God forbid anyone just set an hour or two aside to make it happen. I straight up asked her "I know you've said you are really busy and that's understandable. But you do actually want to meet up again right? If you do great, if you don't actually that's ok too. I just appreciate honesty and would rather know the honest truth. " She said "Yes I definitely want to see you again. I am sorry I am just so busy and going thru a lot, but I do yes" She then asked if she could call me (this was last night) I was a little busy and I did not feel into talking, so I declined and told her I am still free today if she wants to figure something out, to let me know. She then texted me recently and I will paraprhase" Hey, I do appreciate you offering to come my way and get dinner, that' so thoughtful of you. My good friend from out of town just texted me today and told me she is in town til tomorrow. She was supposed to come spend two weeks with me before but had to cancel bc of a chronic illness, she's not doing well. So I feel like I need to make it a priority to see her. I am feeling very overwhelmed and I don't know what to do because I feel bad not meeting up with you. But I feel like I should spend time with my old roommate. Long story short I don't feel tonight is the best day (yet she didn't offer an alternative time) but we could still do a phone call later if you want? I don't want to hold up any plans you could make, I'm sorry!"

So it's like, on one hand I want to be like "Well forget it, obviously I am once again the last resort it seems, but on the other hand she took the time to write like a 4 paragraph text, and was talking about her sick friend. So how can I really be super mad about that? She shouldn't choose me, a guy she saw once, over one of her best friends who according to her, is pretty sick.

 

Girl 2

I don't have too much to be annoyed with on this one I guess. She is a flight attendant so she was only going to be in town for 2 days this time (she does live here). She did say after our date last week she'd love to see me again. She said "Hopefully I can see you during my days off while I am home." I told her I am off Wed and Thurs, so let me know if you do. Yesterday she texted me, paraphrasing here but essentially she had too much going on and would not have time to meet up this time. She had mentioned last week in our date the next few weeks would be a little rough for her, working a lot, and then she is transferring bases from San Fran to San Diego, so she would have to drive that in her off days next week, but "I would definitely love to get together again."

I have noticed a tiny bit of difference in communication though lately. Building up to our first date and after it, she would text me out of nowhere, ask me how my day was, or somehow remember my workout class and text me prior telling me have a good workout. More initiative. Lately, she hasn;t really done that, but if I do text her she is very responsive and interesting, with substance.

BUT, one thing that did kind of get me, was last night on her Instagram, she posted a meme of a woman saying "I don't have a BF and I don't want it, I could have one if I wanted one, I could have 4,5 of them if I wanted" and added the emoji of raising her hand with a 😬  face....  So it's like *** is that lol. I mean I don't know if I should take that too seriously, or just write it off as goofy humor.

 

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Dating requires a really thick skin.  The only reason all those years of it were worth it to me was because I wanted a spouse and potential for a child.  I'm not a fan of people who post like that on social media - but I know many people think it's funny/cute whatever.

I always had a lot going on when I dated. And I prioritized finding a good match.  I remember there was one guy who thought he was all that because I think he was a doctor and a lawyer.  He told me on a Monday he'd call me on Wednesday to arrange a first meet.  He didn't. He called a few days later with no apology.  So I moved on.  If that was his first impression, well.... I was really strict about that reliability and follow through stuff.  It's served me well.

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated.  

Edited by Batya33
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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Dating requires a really thick skin.  The only reason all those years of it were worth it to me was because I wanted a spouse and potential for a child.  I'm not a fan of people who post like that on social media - but I know many people think it's funny/cute whatever.

I always had a lot going on when I dated. And I prioritized finding a good match.  I remember there was one guy who thought he was all that because I think he was a doctor and a lawyer.  He told me on a Monday he'd call me on Wednesday to arrange a first meet.  He didn't. He called a few days later with no apology.  So I moved on.  If that was his first impression, well.... I was really strict about that reliability and follow through stuff.  It's served me well.

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated.  

Dating suuuuucks. Never thought I'd have to go thru it again. Really thought there for awhile I had met my soulmate, my last partner. Not sure I will ever have anything like it again... and even it apparently was far from perfect. 

 

Girl 1 is out. We talked tonight for 1.5hrs. She has a list of non-negotiable's, and out of all of them the only thing we weren't aligned on was religion. I am a christian, but not super religious. She is religious and wants a guy who is even more of a leader than she is. I'm open to more, but that's not enough. That's literally it, we are super compatible on all but one freaking thing, but it's a deal breaker for her. Which is completely her prerogative... but damn is it frustrating. 

I can never win. It's ALWAYS, something. Always.... Either there is someone else, or my schedule isn't enough, or my faith isn't enough, or they are moving, ALWAYS.

Must be nice to be a girl where you can just compile a list, and look for perfection because you'll have 10 more men in line waiting anyhow. Men, doesn't seem we have that luxury. 

I am a living embodiment of why men become broken, depressed, and turn into *** bags

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You’re going really hard here. Just relax and enjoy the experiences and getting to know someone. Take breaks in between and recharge, be with yourself, your friends and family, plan other events and be present for other things. 

Avoid pressuring someone into an answer, especially verbally and via text. Pause and take a break. Let the other person come to you. If it’s not reciprocated in action then move along. 

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5 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Must be nice to be a girl where you can just compile a list, and look for perfection because you'll have 10 more men in line waiting anyhow. Men, doesn't seem we have that luxury. 

I am a living embodiment of why men become broken, depressed, and turn into *** bags

It was extremely hard for me -partly because I got in my own way.  Did I get a lot of attention?  Yes.  But that didn't mean they were right for me.  I didn't want the attention.  I wanted to meet my person, my spouse and try for a baby.

I did want the attention as a teen/early 20s especially from hot looking guys at clubs!  I also had limited time both because of my demanding career plus my biological clock.  

If you do the never mindset and get jaded and cynical game over.  I made myself not get that way for more than a few hours.  Kept my eye on the prize. I remember one awful date where my mom said "well now you know it probably can't get worse" and another time when I called my friend around 9 one night and we're chatting until she said "so???" -she remembered I'd had a first meet after work . But I didn't.  He was not for me and I walked away and he was off my radar -I trained myself to be that way so I could move on to the next ASAP.  

I know of many happy couples who originally met online. One just sent his son off to college! My husband and I easily could have reconnected online except he never came up in my searches because of a mistake he made in his profile.  (And he wasn't on too long, met very few people in person).  

It's tough -is it worth it to you? You decide.  I made that decision over and over again.  Thank goodness I did. So my son could beat me at Wordle today.  Again.

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