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he calls me insecure of his female best friend


Christine2219
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My boyfriend of 1 month. Dating for 2 months prior. The day he asked me to be his GF, that same night he mentions that now he can introduce me to everyone and especially his best friend because she’s been dying to meet me. I said “she?, what friend is this?, He said yes his best friend of over 20 years. I said we been talking for over 2 months and you never brought her up before. His response was that “because she is real special to him and he can’t wait for me to meet her. 

We were at a Thanksgiving party with his family so i didn’t make a big deal out of it. So a few days later we were talking on the phone and it kept vibrating and he tells me he has to call me back. When he does, he’s driving and he tells me that he is on his way to meet up with his best friend at her hotel, because her and her husband are having issues and she left the house and wanted some advice. It was like 10pm. I told him I felt completely uncomfortable with that. He claimed he was going to meet her at the bar in the hotel to just talk, and not go into the room. 

I told him that it bothers me and he said that i’m just insecure and why don’t i trust him and that he is not going to stop meeting up with her because she is his best friend and i have no right to tell him who he can and cannot hang out with. That he is a grown 39 year old man and he is not looking to play games or be with someone that cannot trust him and acts insecure. He says that I need to accept that he had a life before me and that he isn’t going to change anything. 

He then tells me that he spoke with her and told her our business and that me and him had a disagreement about them hanging out and she told him to tell me that she would love to meet me to explain that they are just friends. My response was that I have no interest to meet her. Aside from this, she also goes to his house with her 2 yr old son, like 2-3 times a week to “hang out” and play cards. They also share a Netflix and Hulu account together. 

About a week ago, her car broke down on the highway and he left work early to go pick her up and help her boost her car. I told him why didn’t she have her husband (they got back together) help her. Why does she need you to go drive one hour to go help her. He tells me again to stop with my insecurity and he was just helping a friend. I told him that it is completely inappropriate and her husband should be the one getting her. He says that her husband has no issue with them hanging out alone and I need to get over my insecurities and stop creating stories in my head. 

Long story short i went off on him and told him that clearly she is a priority for him and it looks like she will always come before me and I broke up with him. A week later we did end up talking things out and he ended up apologizing and we got back together. Fast forward to yesterday. 

Yesterday we were texting about our day and he told me that he had no plans for the evening. So i call him later that night and i hear a kid in the background and i asked him if that was the TV, and he said no it was his friends son, and i said what friend, his response was his best friend came over and he’ll call me back when they leave. 

He calls me back 4 hours later, I was like so she was there for 4 hours. I told you I don’t feel comfortable with you two hanging out alone and why did he lie and say that he had no plans that day when clearly he had plans to hang out with her. He claims that they were pretty much talking about me the whole time and that she was asking when is she going to meet me. 

His last text to me that night was to stop overreacting and being insecure and that he didn’t tell me she was coming over because he wasn’t trying to argue. I never texted back. He texted me good morning today and I never responded and haven’t heard from him since. 

I was hoping to get some clarity and guidance because I really like him and aside from this, he is really an amazing person, his family is amazing and we all get along so well and I would like a future with him but I don’t trust that relationship with this woman he only brought up once we were official. It seems like he now, is going to hang out with her and lie about it, and whenever I tell him that it bothers me he calls me insecure. And i don’t think it has to do with being insecure. It bothers me and he shouldn’t be hanging out alone with another female. 

His birthday is Thursday, and I had such amazing things planned for us to do that day. And we were going to spend New Years with my family but after yesterday i kind of am upset and idk if I even want to spend his bday with him or have him meet my family on new years. Am I overreacting? 

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I'll start off with the theoretical portion first. If he has a best friend of 2 decades, and they have no romantic past then it shouldn't matter male or female. The fact that he has this female best friend is a topic he should be able to bring up at any point, not some set time frame.

What I dislike is his attitude towards your reaction, constantly calling insecure and leaving it at that seems manipulative.

There needs to be a real deep calm discussion between you and your BF about the friend. I would also advise that you meet her to see the personal interaction rather than just assuming the worst. You could be 100% right in your concerns, or not.

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Does this woman's husband really have no problem with her hanging out with another bloke alone so often?  That she calls him to get her out of problems instead of her own husband?  That she talks to another man about their relationship issues?  I don't think too many men would be happy about that, but maybe he knows your boyfriend well enough to understand that it's friendship and nothing else. 

If your boyfriend and this woman have been friends for decades then no, he's not going to stop being friends with her because you're uncomfortable with it.  She obviously knows about you and is supposedly keen to meet you, so why not see if it puts your mind more at ease?  If not, it's best to back away now, while your relationship is so new.  She's always going to be there, so if you don't like it, don't make life difficult for yourself.

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7 hours ago, Christine2219 said:

 , he’s driving and he tells me that he is on his way to meet up with his best friend at her hotel, because her and her husband are having issues  It was like 10pm.

Dating 12 weeks is a good time to observe red flags like this. At some level you know they are more than friends. 

Step way back from this. Cut your losses. He's trying to get in her pants and you know this.

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It's ok if you're not ok with it.  Some women would be because some women would want the freedom to do date-like/hookup-like activities with their male friends without their partner reacting negatively.  But you're not ok with the way he interacts with her.  I have had platonic male friends including men I dated in the past for the last 40 years.  I always will.  My husband has the same with female friends.  We've never done date like activities with them or played with fire so to speak.

Would I go meet a female friend at a hotel if she was having issues with her husband? Yes.  Male? No.  Yes that's where I see a gender difference because even with a platonic friend it sends the wrong message to the vulnerable person - that you're meeting them late at night at a private place where there will be intense emotions shared.  Maybe nothing happens but it's playing with fire. 

]If a close male friend was in trouble in that way I would stay on the phone with him or help him find resources - like a place to stay or a therapist, like that. Or perhaps I'd tell my husband it is an emergency and could we please both go and see that he is ok. But I wouldn't even ask my husband whether I could meet him alone.  

Also it sounds like her husband has no clue she is parading around with this guy you're dating.  That's why he is "allowing" it.

Again - other people have different boundaries -this is not a comparison game.  Stay true to your values. 

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If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck....it's a duck. Basically, stop trying to sweep under the rug what you know is completely wrong behavior that you have no reason to put up with.

On that note, drop this idea that he is a good guy and pay attention - when you've expressed concerns and requested relationship boundaries, his response was aggressive gaslighting and zero consideration for you and your relationship with him. Zero respect, just dictating terms.

Unless you are happy with sharing your relationship with another woman, being disrespected, lied to, gaslighted, and cheated on, and otherwise treated like a second class citizen....RUUUUUN!

Keep in mind that you aren't dating his family or friends, you are dating him and he is acting like a pos toward you. RUUUUUN!!!!!

 

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On 12/28/2021 at 8:46 PM, Christine2219 said:

I was hoping to get some clarity and guidance because I really like him and aside from this, he is really an amazing person, his family is amazing and we all get along so well and I would like a future with him but I don’t trust that relationship with this woman he only brought up once we were official. It seems like he now, is going to hang out with her and lie about it, and whenever I tell him that it bothers me he calls me insecure. And i don’t think it has to do with being insecure. It bothers me and he shouldn’t be hanging out alone with another female. 

They have been friends for many years.  You've only been in the picture a couple months?  IMO, no reason he can't hang with her.  I'm sure they've been doing that for years.

I'd say he avoids mentioning her/lies because he knows your reaction - which does sound like you're insecure.

In order for this to work out at all, YOU need to accept what is.. and I doubt it will work out, as you've already spoken up saying you don't even want to meet her? etc

 

"It bothers me and he shouldn’t be hanging out alone with another female. "

- Why not?  Honestly... why does it bother you that he's got this 'female' friend?

You cannot control who anyone is friends with, whether male or female.

 

 

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Who you are attracted to is inherent in you. It's nothing you can control.

Same thing with what makes you uncomfortable in a relationship. I would also not be comfortable with my man having a female best friend. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me, and it doesn't mean someone else who has the opposite opinion is misguided.

You do you and tell him, "This relationship isn't working for me." And then go no contact. When a relationship is regularly upsetting to you, it's not the right match. Don't let a man whose known you for mere months tell you what you are and that you're to eat his garbage and enjoy it. The secret to successful dating is to cut the losers loose as soon as you see he's one, freeing you to be available for someone who actually deserves you.

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