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Evaluating compatibility, Mom coming on romantic getaway ?


Kate-305
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My(20f) Bf(20m) and I have been together a year and a half. It has been up and down but we do love each other a lot and genuinely have a great time in each others company. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say there were red flags. Most recently last night something came up that is making me question myself. 

My Bf has been on a vacation abroad for the past month and returns tomorrow. Since the beginning of December we've been planning on taking a romantic getaway to reconnect/ celebrate our anniversary. Our getaway will be the 27th-29th so really nothing huge. I footed the bill for our Airbnb and did most of the planning as he's out of the country. Before we booked our place I told him to make sure his mom was alright with him going. She said it was fine to him and even mentioned to me that it was fine. 

Last night while on the phone my Bf informs me that his mom and little brother are now going to come along. He says they will be staying with his relatives that live in the same city we're going to and we are just going to drop them off the first day then when we come home all ride home together. He said his mom asked and he agreed. Consulted with me about none of it. Now if I say anything I am seen as a selfish girl trying to distract him and take him away from his family. I am sick of being cast in this light. I try hard to build a bond with his family and mother particularly but I feel like this is sort of a slap in the face. I'm upset at his mother for asking. She knew this was a vacation just us yet she still asked. If we just dropped them off it wouldn't be a huge deal but I was looking forward to the drive there with him. Also I have a suspicion that what will actually end up happening is his mom calling him constantly and asking for us to all go do something or for a ride somewhere in the city. I hate being put in this position where I have to say no about his family but this was supposed to be for US. 

This issue has brought a bigger problem to my attention. My Bf's dynamic with his family is extremely different than mine. I am the youngest, he's the oldest. His mom is super involved with him, my parents are more hands off. His family takes vacations, my parents travel by themselves. I feel like I have a lot more independence than he does because his mom coddles him. He makes comments about how cold my family is and really makes me feel sad about it. I have always been insecure about how distant my family is but that's just how things have always been for me. I wished my family was more "fun" and did things like his but my family is small and we're all grown children now. 

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Wild guess -you planned this trip, you did all the details, you see it as a time to reconnect.  He sees it as just a trip.  And now it's convenient for him to have his family along because he never saw it as a romantic -reconnect -getaway.  It was mostly or all you who saw it this way. Are you planning to marry?  Especially if you marry youngish you're also marrying the family.  He gets to choose his boundaries while you're away -his mom won't be staying with you so it's up to him to say "GF and I are going to do our own thing today -we haven't seen each other in so long!"  Etc.  Do you trust him to do this?

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I'd use this trip as an opportunity to observe. 

I'd feel the same way as you in your shoes. She overstepped, and it's weird. Sounds like she will constantly have her hand in the pot of your relationship with your bf and he's more than ok with this. 

What stood out to me too is him making comments about your family being cold etc. He shouldn't be saying that, just good rule always is to never comment negatively about a partners family. And who is he to say they are cold when his family is up his ass constantly? Lol. He doesn't see it clearly. 

So personally I'd not say anything but I'd watch what happens during this trip. I'd he can't make appropriate boundaries himself, maybe time to try dating someone who is not so glued to his mom. 

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I would never, ever invite myself along on a trip with my (adult) kids. Ever.

One time when I lived 300 miles away I planned to visit my son's city for my birthday weekend (not on the exact date but a few days after). I asked him if he was available to go out to dinner. He told me he and his friends had plans already, so he would ask them if they minded if I went along. Well, that just felt weird to me. I'm sure it would have for his friends too. They ended up (very thoughtfully) moving their dinner plans to another day so he and I could have our dinner. But if they didn't I would have gone another day so as to not interfere.

So it seems you two have very different views on family involvement. This will require a good deal of compromise. Can you work with him on that? Is he receptive and are you?

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I would hate this as much as you do as I came from a not close at all family and my husband's family was far too close, IMO.  I could imagine his mother doing the same as your bf's mother is doing and I would have hated it.  But this is how he was raised, it's normal to him, but not normal to you.  It's the differences in families. 

I dont doubt his mother will call him while at the relatives' home wanting to get together with him and you.  I say good luck to you as you will need it.  He may mature in time and learn to break free of the, or he may not.  My husband did, or we would not still be together.

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3 hours ago, Kate-305 said:

Since the beginning of December we've been planning on taking a romantic getaway to reconnect/ celebrate our anniversary. Our getaway will be the 27th-29th so really nothing huge. I footed the bill for our Airbnb and did most of the planning

Sorry this is happening. Can you have him/them reimburse you for the BnB? He did not consult you and it's sort of a bait and switch.

If anything, this is a good test in incompatibility if he needs to have his family tag along  because they are joined at the hip. Won't he see his family over the holidays?

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3 hours ago, Kate-305 said:

Before we booked our place I told him to make sure his mom was alright with him going.

This says it all. 

At 20, he doesn't need Mommy's permission to have a trip with his girlfriend - and the fact that he needs to run it by her? Yikes. 

What would have happpend if Mama said no? 

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14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This says it all. 

At 20, he doesn't need Mommy's permission to have a trip with his girlfriend - and the fact that he needs to run it by her? Yikes. 

What would have happpend if Mama said no? 

I had something similar happen. My husband (then boyfriend) and I planned an overnight trip to an amusement park. We booked a motel room. We both lived with our respective parents, so we told them. My mom didn't really react much but my boyfriend's mom got really upset. She said it was improper for us to go away overnight together when we weren't married. I mean, she got really upset. Then she apparently woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him she trusted him and wouldn't try to stop him. She didn't want us having sex (little did she know we'd been having sex since practically the beginning of our relationship lol).

Anyway,we did end up going. And ironically every one of his siblings ended up living with their boyfriends/girlfriends and we were the only ones who didn't live together before marriage.

So, yeah. Can you two work this out or is this a deal breaker for you?

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34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This says it all. 

At 20, he doesn't need Mommy's permission to have a trip with his girlfriend - and the fact that he needs to run it by her? Yikes. 

What would have happpend if Mama said no? 

I did.  I was 19 and lived at home.  Almost 20. We’d been dating 6 months or so.  They weren’t so into it despite liking the guy. They did say yes. 

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Your situation sounds like mine when I dated a guy for two years when I was a teen. I remember one time he was driving a pile of us, including his siblings and my brother in his cabbed truck to the mountains to play in the snow. My heart sank when I heard him and his siblings say, "We have to invite Mom, or her feelings will be hurt." And yes she did come. A much different experience than just having kids only. And she'd set up that dynamic, to guilt them into including her in things or involving herself in decisions that she often shouldn't stick her nose into.

I could see he was a mama's boy and actually told that to his face on several occasions, which would make him madder than anything, since he probably knew it was true but didn't want to admit it to himself.

My mother was not cold and distant and we did plenty with her, but she certainly had her own social life and never imposed like your bf's mother has.

I realized, given the pattern, his mother's opinions would always override mine, and I'd had enough, among other reasons I needed to break up, though he of course also had good qualities. 

You could have a discussion with him such as: Since we're a couple, when there's something that's going to affect both of us, I want you to consult me, just as I would with you. Like giving a yes or no to other people about plans that involve the both of us. And if the answer is no, I want you to consider us as a team and not be blaming me to your friends or family, telling them that "I'm okay with it, but she said no."

Give a person a chance to come through. If they care enough about you and the request is reasonable, they should comply. If not, they don't care or care more about not pissing off a family member who will pout or grumble. If he won't set boundaries after you've communicated your wishes, there's your answer of how your life will always be with him. And then you can say you at least tried before throwing in the towel. Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

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The worst part perhaps of all this is that it's ongoing and not a one time/singular occasion. He makes comments about your family that are inappropriate and emotionally immature and you're left feeling inadequate or as if something is wrong with you or that your family isn't ok. I can empathize. 

The first thing to understand is that you don't need to put up with it.

Second, we all learn from our past mistakes and the mistakes of our parents or those before us. It is ok not to like certain things about the way you grew up and you have an opportunity to change that when you're a parent in the future. It's inappropriate for a partner to come in with an inflated ego and tell you that your family doesn't measure up however. Think of the rift also if you continue in a relationship like this and the divide it creates in a family should you have your own children. 

Consider yourselves incompatible and move on.

 

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On 12/21/2021 at 3:34 PM, melancholy123 said:

I would hate this as much as you do as I came from a not close at all family and my husband's family was far too close, IMO.  I could imagine his mother doing the same as your bf's mother is doing and I would have hated it.  But this is how he was raised, it's normal to him, but not normal to you.  It's the differences in families. 

Oh wow. This somehow made me realize that I have the exact same problem as @Kate-305's boyfriend (and Kate-305!). I agree with @melancholy123. I think that it could be that his family is too close. My immediate family is like that. I have to manage them every year. It's taken time to learn how to do it. I'm glad my boyfriend hasn't run screaming.

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