my adhd boyfriend

[E Ol]

So ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he has pretty bad adhd. he sometimes can't read my emotions very well and says some things that are out of pocket. Ive done a lot of research on being with an adhd partner and ive learned to go with it because I know his intentions. the only issue is that recently he's been going overboard with mean comments, or maybe just poorly worded ones that have been really taxing me emotionally. like the other day he went out of his way to say "pretty describes how you dress, and sometimes you're not pretty." and I fully understand that he doesn't truly mean it, but sometimes its hard to brush off. it sounds kind of silly, but I just need another perspective. any advice from someone with adhd or an adhd partner? should I continue to brush it off? 

[Seraphim]

My husband has severe ADHD. Been together 33 years. I don’t think “ mean” comments are a hallmark of ADHD. Maybe not well thought out comments but not outright mean. Was he raised by a parent who was mean spirited or treated him badly due to his neuro diversity ?

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, E Ol said:

the only issue is that recently he's been going overboard with mean comments that have been really taxing me emotionally. like the other day he went out of his way to say "pretty describes how you dress, and sometimes you're not pretty." a

He does mean it. He's not a helpless child, he's abusive. That's what you need to research and focus on. Dating is not social work trying to "fix' or "understand" bad treatment. 

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Consider treating your own mental health concerns so you can clearly see abuse for what it is rather than keep making excuse for him.

 It this the same man?:

 

[Rose Mosse]

This would not work for me. 

[DancingFool]

OP, adhd doesn't make a person mean and doesn't cause them to make cruel comments specifically directed toward you. It also doesn't make a person stupid. He knows what he is saying to you perfectly well and yes he means to say it. You have got to stop using adhd as an excuse to continue to accept how badly he treats you.

The trouble with both of you is that you don't know how to break up and exit the relationship gracefully. You are clinging on and he is blowing you off and making mean comments hoping to provoke you into dumping him. Set him free and set yourself free already.

You are in college. Best time of your life to make friends, meet people, date, figure out who you are as an adult and who you actually need to be with in terms of a relationship. Some guy from high school is not it. You are both rapidly outgrowing each other and heading in different directions, which is normal at your age and stage in life. Time to accept it and part ways.

[Kwothe28]

With ignoring you, excessive partying and drinking and now mean comments, no, you shouldnt brush it off. He doesnt respect you. He found a new way of life and now behaves in that manner. And I am not saying that you should command some respect, but he needs to respect you if he wants relationship with you. He cant just tell you how your clothes is ugly. And for you to forgive him because ADHD. He maybe cant read your emotions properly. But he certanly can understand that what he says is not alright or at least to learn that through communication. You dont have to walk through eggshells for him and allow him to insult you like that.

[Cherylyn]

My BIL and SIL (brother and sister-in-law ~ my husband's siblings) were diagnosed with ADHD as children.  As adults, their ADHD isn't as severe as long ago.  As children,  physically, they couldn't sit still, bounced off the walls, lacked concentration at school and were prone to preventable accidents.  They were on low doses of Ritalin to calm them.  As adults, they currently function normally, became productive members of society and pleasant towards me and others. 

Has your boyfriend been diagnosed with ADHD? 

Your boyfriend is reminiscent of my other BIL (my sister's husband).  Sometimes when we're at family gatherings, he behaves.  Most of the time, he misbehaves such as saying inappropriate and obnoxiously rude comments to me, my husband, sons and others.  My sister ignores her husband's boorish comments because she pretends no one hears her husband.  Should anyone dare to confront her husband, it's useless because he'll never change.  He is who he is.  Either accept him or enforce healthy boundaries.  We've since chosen the latter.  We've since declined a lot of invitations and have never been happier. 

My sister and mother turn a blind eye and deaf ear to my obnoxious BIL because he earns a very high income.  His money is how he wields power, manipulation in my sister's marriage and he's an incredible provider for their three children.  My mother says, "Money talks" and my sister concurs.  She defends her meal ticket ad nauseum.  To her, "put up and shut up" mantra trumps becoming a single parent.

I agree with others.  Not all ADHD people say snarky or cruel comments.  Your boyfriend is plain mean and extremely offensive.  If he didn't mean it, he wouldn't say it.  Whatever comes out of the mouth is reflective of the brain.  No amount of self control can change a person's true opinions of you. 

No, don't continue to brush it off because if you do, you're an enabler and your self esteem will suffer.  He will deliberately make you lack self confidence in yourself by saying mean comments to you.  Stop taking his  _  _  _  _.   You're better than that. 

Your boyfriend is extremely DISRESPECTFUL.  You need to dump him! 

 

[Honeycomb8]

My bf has ADHD and he doesn't say mean things like that. 

He's just being an arse.

[arjumand]

My daughter has pretty severe ADHD -- she is never mean or insulting to anyone. She often has trouble with social cues (although it has improved) but she knows the difference between kindness and cruelty, right and wrong. Your boyfriend is choosing to behave like an abusive ass and seems to think that saying it is ADHD is an excuse. It is not. You need a better boyfriend. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

Making mean comments isn't an ADHD thing.  Your boyfriend is a bad guy.

A partner should lift you up, not constantly have you 2nd guess yourself.

[Batya33]

Also if he works - I bet he doesn't speak that way to his boss or coworkers or he'd be fired, right?

[E Ol]

On 11/3/2021 at 4:37 PM, Wiseman2 said:

He does mean it. He's not a helpless child, he's abusive. That's what you need to research and focus on. Dating is not social work trying to "fix' or "understand" bad treatment. 

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Consider treating your own mental health concerns so you can clearly see abuse for what it is rather than keep making excuse for him.

 It this the same man?:

 

Yea same person, we figured out that first problem and give each other good time with each other now.

[E Ol]

On 11/3/2021 at 4:33 PM, Seraphim said:

My husband has severe ADHD. Been together 33 years. I don’t think “ mean” comments are a hallmark of ADHD. Maybe not well thought out comments but not outright mean. Was he raised by a parent who was mean spirited or treated him badly due to his neuro diversity ?

His parents are the sweetest people 😕

[yellowhibiscus]

I am a special educator and going to school for educational psychology. Saying mean things is not a characteristic of ADHD. Being impulsive can be but this doesn't seem like an impulsivity thing. It is more of a lacking knowledge of how to act in interpersonal relationships and an empathy kind of thing. 

[SherrySher]

On 11/3/2021 at 2:20 PM, E Ol said:

So ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he has pretty bad adhd. he sometimes can't read my emotions very well and says some things that are out of pocket. Ive done a lot of research on being with an adhd partner and ive learned to go with it because I know his intentions. the only issue is that recently he's been going overboard with mean comments, or maybe just poorly worded ones that have been really taxing me emotionally. like the other day he went out of his way to say "pretty describes how you dress, and sometimes you're not pretty." and I fully understand that he doesn't truly mean it, but sometimes its hard to brush off. it sounds kind of silly, but I just need another perspective. any advice from someone with adhd or an adhd partner? should I continue to brush it off? 

That's not ADHD, that's verbal abuse.