Lying about Porn, now she’s hitting me for it. Unsure what to do

[j.man]

She's physically abusive.  What's life if you can't feel safe in your home with someone you're supposed to trust the most?  Frankly, for as bad as it is to lie, it's tertiary to the fact she's physically harming you.  If that on its own isn't enough, consider if you'd ever need to push her away or restrain her, one mark is all it takes for it to be her word against yours and you suddenly finding yourself in a world of legal trouble. It's not worth it.  Find a woman who's comfortable with either or both of you consuming porn.  They're certainly not unicorns.  Nor are women who'd simply assert their boundaries and leave without resorting to demanding you forfeit your privacy and hitting you.

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, RobTaylor10 said:

its also gotten to the point of even when i use my laptop she can see i logged on and she asks me what i was doing on it. but she basically told me that those parental custodial apps are the only way she can start to trust that i wont go behind her back. 

Here is what you do....use "Private Browser"

Click on file top left hand corner. In the drop down menu click on new private window. Boom you are there. Type in your favorite porn site. When you are done make sure it's all closed off. There will be no trace of it in your search history, nothing. I would recommend also using a VPN that changes your IP address to another country. That will prevent all those weird emails, etc. It might slow down the uploads but it's well worth it. I use surf easy...costs less than 8 bucks a month for a subscription.

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Here is what you do....use "Private Browser"

Click on file top left hand corner. In the drop down menu click on new private window. Boom you are there. Type in your favorite porn site. When you are done make sure it's all closed off. There will be no trace of it in your search history, nothing. I would recommend also using a VPN that changes your IP address to another country. That will prevent all those weird emails, etc. It might slow down the uploads but it's well worth it. I use surf easy...costs less than 8 bucks a month for a subscription.

Well, that would mean not only continuing to lie, but also continuing to be subjected to someone who is obviously fine with being physically abusive.

I would end the relationship. Plenty of women out there who would either join in on the porn fun or wouldn't care if the OP wanted to watch.

[Pleasedonot5]

OP, this relationship is not a winner. You're lying through your teeth, she's controlling you, and now she's physically abusing you. Leave the relationship; this is not healthy. 

In the future, do not date someone who is uncomfortable with you watching porn. I would venture to say thay most are comfortable with it - or at least it is not a deal-breaker for them. Or, otherwise, do not capitulate: just say what you do by yourself in your private time is not her business, and it is especially not for anyone to take away from you. 

OP - you have to be bonkers for letting someone install monitoring apps on your devices. Remove those apps immediately and change your passwords.

Last, in the future, do not say you will abstain from something, then continue doing it, and then lie about it, even when you are found out. When it counts, sometimes all a man has is his word. If you continually lie, others will not take you at your word when it matters most. 

 

[smackie9]

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, that would mean not only continuing to lie, but also continuing to be subjected to someone who is obviously fine with being physically abusive.

I would end the relationship. Plenty of women out there who would either join in on the porn fun or wouldn't care if the OP wanted to watch.

Just saying for future reference.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, RobTaylor10 said:

She also claims she’s never hit any of her exes before. She says I provoked her to be this way. Yet now of course it’s all love and kisses

Horse manure. Absolute horse manure. 

Imagine the tables were turned and you had abused her, and blamed her. Would that fly? No, it wouldn't. And it shouldn't now either just because the woman is the abuser in this case. She is violent and manipulative, and takes no accountability. She's awful, in other words.

If you stay, you know what you are signing up for. Choose wisely. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

 you have to be bonkers for letting someone install monitoring apps on your devices. Remove those apps immediately and change your passwords.

Agree. You're just playing games. She's insecure, you allow this then circumvent it then she beats you up.

Have you ever had a good relationship? Talk to trusted friends and family, you must know this isn't good.

[Nfllover99]

On 10/18/2021 at 2:24 AM, poorlittlefish said:

She told you what her boundary was from the start, giving you the option to leave if it wasn't something you could agree to. Her mistake has been in failing to uphold that boundary by continuing the relationship after you lied time and time again. 

She absolutely should not have been physically abusive, but you have repeatedly broken her trust, so enough is enough - time to end things. You will be free to find someone who's happy with your porn use and she can find someone who's more honest/more attuned to her morals. 

This is what I don’t get, you took the words out of my mouth. He says he loves her, and she has sex with him frequently, yet he continues to lie to her. To me, I believe she shouldn’t hit him, but I don’t think she is the one to blame at all. Lying is manipulative and you my friend has constantly manipulated her. The only thing that is her fault is that she has chosen to give you multiple chances instead of leaving. She is trying to make it work with you, but she is falling apart is looks like and hurting. You may need to break it off, not because she is abusive as these people are quick to say, but because if you truly love her you wouldn’t lie to her and you’re doing this woman a disservice. Not all women are clear with what they want and it looks like she was with you, and you took advantage. 

[Nfllover99]

On 10/18/2021 at 1:52 PM, RobTaylor10 said:

Thanks for the replies. Its so hard. When her and I don't argue or go through this makeup period, it feels like heaven. Back to all the loving texts, the cuddling, the intimacy. Its blinding almost and makes it so hard to think about the possibility of letting go. I hate that I have to be monitored and I do want to change my ways, but the thought of that is overtaking and becoming a point to where she forbid be to do it and took away all options im in the mindset of wanting it even more now that i cant have it

You are your own worst enemy. You love her and it’s heaven, then why did you put her through all this just for porn? It sounds like you are immature and undeserving of an honest and serious girlfriend. Stick to the basement and using porn, and stay away from women until you figure yourself out 

[Nfllover99]

On 10/18/2021 at 2:19 PM, RobTaylor10 said:

It shouldnt be that important to me and its not a dealbreaker to me in the fact like if i cant watch it i dont want to be with her. I do want to stop to avoid long term affects but that mindset of wanting what you cant have is starting to creep in

Ive gotta ask, are you 18? 20? This can’t be a grown man talking because the If I can’t have it I want it more statement sounds very immature. I’m not sure how old you are but if you are a grown man, start acting your age and start wondering why the woman you love is hurting you after you’ve hurt her multiple times.

[Seraphim]

48 minutes ago, Nfllover99 said:

You are your own worst enemy. You love her and it’s heaven, then why did you put her through all this just for porn? It sounds like you are immature and undeserving of an honest and serious girlfriend. Stick to the basement and using porn, and stay away from women until you figure yourself out 

So you are saying if she does something he can hit her ? Because , well, because it is something that hurts him ? She hits him so he should turn around and smack the crap out of her ? You understand hitting us assault no matter who does it ? It is also a CRIME. Yes, lying is wrong but it deserves hitting ?! No, she should have walked away and stayed gone . 
 

Another thing , lots of women don’t care about porn. Porn is not illegal. Should he be with THIS woman no. But lots of other women don’t care. 

[Seraphim]

56 minutes ago, Nfllover99 said:

This is what I don’t get, you took the words out of my mouth. He says he loves her, and she has sex with him frequently, yet he continues to lie to her. To me, I believe she shouldn’t hit him, but I don’t think she is the one to blame at all. Lying is manipulative and you my friend has constantly manipulated her. The only thing that is her fault is that she has chosen to give you multiple chances instead of leaving. She is trying to make it work with you, but she is falling apart is looks like and hurting. You may need to break it off, not because she is abusive as these people are quick to say, but because if you truly love her you wouldn’t lie to her and you’re doing this woman a disservice. Not all women are clear with what they want and it looks like she was with you, and you took advantage. 

Someone who CHOOSES to hit someone as opposed to WALK AWAY is to blame 100%. 

[SherrySher]

On 10/17/2021 at 11:05 PM, RobTaylor10 said:

My gf and I have been in a relationship for 10 months. I’m at the point where I’ve thought about marriage even buying a ring, however I find myself questioning things more and more.

A lot of things stem from my issues I brought into the relationship. In the beginning, my gf told me she didn’t watch me to ever watch ***** and gave me the option to exit the relationship if it was to be a problem. I said it wouldn’t, however I did keep watching *****. I have a very hyper active sex drive and mind. I like watching ***** because it’s enjoyable and gives the feeling of something different, even though my gf and I have sex frequently and I do love her. It’s just the fact that I want to enjoy sex in whatever way although I would never physically cheat on her.

When she caught me watching it the first time, I lied to her saying I would stop. This happened again 2 more times to the point where she installed monitoring apps on my phone and computer. Those still weren’t enough as I found ways around them to still watch *****. I don’t watch it everyday maybe once a week but still can’t seem to want to stop. She’s caught me two more times since. Every time this has happened I’ve lied and denied but the truth always comes out

Every time she catches me, she packs up all her things and leaves and says we’re done although we always end up talking and making up. However, recently, it’s gotten to the point where she is constantly so hurt at the thought that I lied to her about it and that I had the audacity to look at other women on ***** sites, she becomes triggered emotionally very easily. Last couple of fights she has started to get so upset and has lost control, destroying gifts I’ve given her, tearing up our pictures and hitting me. It started with strong slaps to the arm but has resulted in her pushing me aggressively and slapping me hard in the head. And yes I’m bigger than her but it still hurts a lot.

She blames it on me emotionally cheating and lying which she claims is emotional abuse. Every time though we still make up however the arguments still persist and we both seem to get annoyed with each other more and more.

My heart says to stay but my gut tells me this is the end. So torn on what to do

Your relationship is OVER.

You and her are absolutely incompatible. Your value system and her value system do not match up.

They will never match up.

You are lying to her, that's reason enough for her to end this relationship with you.

Some women do 100% feel that watching porn, is emotionally cheating, and won't deal with it.

She's one of them.

Lying is not the answer. You should have just been honest and said, I watch it, it's not going to change.

Now onto the HUGE issue here......her hitting is 100% an absolute NOT okay, and is abuse!!!!

She could be, and should be charged with assault!

If the tables were turned, I am sure there would be assault charges.

Just because she's a woman, gives her no more reason to EVER lay her hands on you!!!

She has NO right, and she has now gone on to being extremely abusive.

Understand, there is no saving this relationship. There is no fixing it. It has gone full toxic.

You need to both go your separate ways. No more talking. No more contacting one another.

This is done. 

[SherrySher]

On 10/18/2021 at 6:32 PM, boltnrun said:

Well, that would mean not only continuing to lie

Yeah, lying is never the answer.

When you start to hide things, then you know there relationship has gone bad.

[SherrySher]

6 hours ago, Nfllover99 said:

start wondering why the woman you love is hurting you

STOP IT!

Don't you dare try to excuse physical violence as deserving because of something someone did.

There is NEVER an excuse for it, never!

 

 

[Nfllover99]

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Someone who CHOOSES to hit someone as opposed to WALK AWAY is to blame 100%. 

Why would she choose to walk away, when clearly he is a good liar and probably manipulating her into staying. He says she packs her stuff and threatens to break up, that means somewhere along the lines he asks her not to.. wanna know how? The answer is in his OP.. he tells her what she wants to hear and reels her in. Emotional abuse. You all are quick to point fingers at the physical abuse which probably hurts him less than the emotional abuse he’s put on her.. how many times did he say he lied and said he’d stop? Oh he said at least 4 times. Stop dismissing emotional abuse as a society, it can be just as harmful 

[Nfllover99]

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

So you are saying if she does something he can hit her ? Because , well, because it is something that hurts him ? She hits him so he should turn around and smack the crap out of her ? You understand hitting us assault no matter who does it ? It is also a CRIME. Yes, lying is wrong but it deserves hitting ?! No, she should have walked away and stayed gone . 
 

Another thing , lots of women don’t care about porn. Porn is not illegal. Should he be with THIS woman no. But lots of other women don’t care. 

Well she made it clear she wasnt one of those women that were okay with it and he stayed and misled her. That’s one him for ignoring her early on boundaries. Also I never said hitting is okay, I just said he wonders why she got to this point, it looks like he drove her there and she lost control. Still wrong to hit I agree, but let’s stop pointing and labeling the one who was emotionally abused first.

[Nfllover99]

12 hours ago, Nfllover99 said:

Ive gotta ask, are you 18? 20? This can’t be a grown man talking because the If I can’t have it I want it more statement sounds very immature. I’m not sure how old you are but if you are a grown man, start acting your age and start wondering why the woman you love is hurting you after you’ve hurt her multiple times.

Also, obviously it is a deal breaker if you can’t watch it, because if you can’t watch it you lie to her, which IS the deal breaker. 

[Seraphim]

59 minutes ago, Nfllover99 said:

Why would she choose to walk away, when clearly he is a good liar and probably manipulating her into staying. He says she packs her stuff and threatens to break up, that means somewhere along the lines he asks her not to.. wanna know how? The answer is in his OP.. he tells her what she wants to hear and reels her in. Emotional abuse. You all are quick to point fingers at the physical abuse which probably hurts him less than the emotional abuse he’s put on her.. how many times did he say he lied and said he’d stop? Oh he said at least 4 times. Stop dismissing emotional abuse as a society, it can be just as harmful 

Excuse me I am not excusing emotional abuse and you have NO IDEA how much abuse of ALL kinds I have gone through in my life but she committed an actual crime. 

[Seraphim]

59 minutes ago, Nfllover99 said:

Well she made it clear she wasnt one of those women that were okay with it and he stayed and misled her. That’s one him for ignoring her early on boundaries. Also I never said hitting is okay, I just said he wonders why she got to this point, it looks like he drove her there and she lost control. Still wrong to hit I agree, but let’s stop pointing and labeling the one who was emotionally abused first.

We have ALL said that lying is not a good quality no one here endorsed that. But he still could have had her arrested and charged. 

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Nfllover99 said:

Well she made it clear she wasnt one of those women that were okay with it and he stayed and misled her. That’s one him for ignoring her early on boundaries. Also I never said hitting is okay, I just said he wonders why she got to this point, it looks like he drove her there and she lost control. Still wrong to hit I agree, but let’s stop pointing and labeling the one who was emotionally abused first.

Are you the girlfriend by any chance because we know by his admission all his devices have spyware. And you seem ready to defend “ her” as it being ok to hit people because she was not the first person to commit a wrong in the relationship. 

[Coily]

27 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Are you the girlfriend by any chance because we know by his admission all his devices have spyware. And you seem ready to defend “ her” as it being ok to hit people because she was not the first person to commit a wrong in the relationship. 

That's been bugging me too. New user, all posts on the one thread, and every post is either a defense of the abusive girlfriend or demeaning the OP in some way. Also a lot of gaslighting towards everyone, just very suspicious or a bad troll.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

That's been bugging me too. New user, all posts on the one thread, and every post is either a defense of the abusive girlfriend or demeaning the OP in some way. Also a lot of gaslighting towards everyone, just very suspicious or a bad troll.

It is the girlfriend and she thinks we are stupid. 

[gamon]

The girlfriend sounds like an unstable nutjob who is completely unpredictable. I suggest the boyfriend run, as far and as fast as she can before she has a complete mental breakdown and does something even worse than she's already done.

 

 

[SherrySher]

4 hours ago, Nfllover99 said:

Still wrong to hit I agree, but let’s stop pointing and labeling the one who was emotionally abused first.

You gotta be kidding me! That statement wouldn't hold up in court at all.

"Oh, I am sorry I shot this man, your honor, but he really upset me, therefore it's justifiable".

Ummm, no.

You always have a choice to leave the situation before something bad like that happens.

She had a choice to leave him. If he continued to be awful to her, then again, she should have packed up and left, but using her hands is assault to which she should be criminally charged for, and I hope she is.