I need advice

[hummingbird555]

My boyfriend and I are about to hit 1 year in 2 weeks and I haven't introduced him to my family yet. A the beginning of our relationship, he was moving very quickly, within 1 month he asked to meet my family and I felt it was too soon for me. I feel introducing a boyfriend to my family is a big step and I vocalized that and we have had problems regarding this ever since. In between then and now we have had several breakups that have been really painful for both of us. He was calling me names and criticizing me, putting me down and it seriously affected my self-esteem and self. My parents were both there to hear me cry daily and struggle and as a result they both disapprove of us dating and have not wanted to meet him at all. My dad seems a bit more willing to meet him now but my mom isn't. She feels he is verbally abusive and doesn't approve of us dating. My boyfriend brings this up with me all the time and gets extremely mad because I have met all of his friends and family despite our problems but he feels like it is my choice to not introduce him to them. But really, they don't want to meet him because of how he's treated me and hurt me in this relationship. He feels I prioritize my family over him but I give him all of my time and attention, I blow off my family and friends to be with him and I still ask if they would like to meet him and they say no. He feels he has done nothing wrong to deserve their disapproval and blames me for our relationship being one sided. So now, he is not going to involve me with his family what-so-ever anymore until he meets mine. The problem is, he lives with his brother, his mom is living with them until december and he has his daughter the majority of the week. Anytime i mention wanting to see my family or spend time with them, if he isn't working, I avoid seeing them because he gets so angry with me. I am close with my family and before we started dating I would see them at least 2-4 times a month and now i go 1-2 months without seeing them. I don't know how to fix this. I feel like he's not being understanding and just angry at me. I feel like i can't even mention my family otherwise we have a problem and that hurts me. Ive been honest with him and have told him why its been difficult for me to introduce him to my family but he says its bullsh*t and i've never been an involved girlfriend. 

[1a1a]

Do you want to choose as your forever person someone who handles a situation like this the way he’s handling it? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hummingbird555 said:

 we have had several breakups that have been really painful for both of us. He was calling me names and criticizing me, putting me down and it seriously affected my self-esteem and self. My parents were both there to hear me cry daily and struggle and as a result they both disapprove of us dating and have not wanted to meet him at all. 

Your parents are right not to encourage an abusive relationship.

Read up on abusive relationships. He has every red flag there is from quick involvement to berating and wearing you down to isolating you.

Do you work or go to school? Do you have close friends to spend time with?

How isolated and depressed has this horrible creep made you feel?

Since your parents are supportive, ask them to take you to a physician for an evaluation of the depression and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Immediately end it and block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get help to understand why you are staying trapped in this.

 

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, hummingbird555 said:

I don't know how to fix this. I feel like he's not being understanding and just angry at me. I feel like i can't even mention my family otherwise we have a problem and that hurts me. Ive been honest with him and have told him why its been difficult for me to introduce him to my family but he says its bullsh*t and i've never been an involved girlfriend. 

Frankly, this bridge is burned. He ruined any chance of a relationship with your parents or family in the way he treated you and there is no reasoning with an abuser. He blames you because you let him and because you're willing to listen to him or still be supportive to him as his girlfriend. There is nothing he can do to erase his own bad behaviour so he keeps piling more of it on, hoping to bully you into submission and bully your family members also.

Where is the mother of his child and is she still in the picture? His anger comes from somewhere else, preceding your relationship, so don't believe for a second that it has anything to do with you. 

If you don't have the heart to think of yourself, think of your unborn children and your parents who have to put up with this person the longer you are with him. Are you so keen to be with someone who puts you down and affects your self-esteem?

 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, hummingbird555 said:

A the beginning of our relationship, he was moving very quickly, within 1 month he asked to meet my family and I felt it was too soon for me. I feel introducing a boyfriend to my family is a big step and I vocalized that and we have had problems regarding this ever since. In between then and now we have had several breakups that have been really painful for both of us. He was calling me names and criticizing me, putting me down and it seriously affected my self-esteem and self.

 

6 hours ago, hummingbird555 said:

She feels he is verbally abusive and doesn't approve of us dating. My boyfriend brings this up with me all the time and gets extremely mad because I have met all of his friends and family despite our problems but he feels like it is my choice to not introduce him to them. But really, they don't want to meet him because of how he's treated me and hurt me in this relationship. He feels I prioritize my family over him but I give him all of my time and attention, I blow off my family and friends to be with him

 

6 hours ago, hummingbird555 said:

So now, he is not going to involve me with his family what-so-ever anymore until he meets mine. The problem is, he lives with his brother, his mom is living with them until december and he has his daughter the majority of the week.

 

6 hours ago, hummingbird555 said:

I feel like he's not being understanding and just angry at me. I feel like i can't even mention my family otherwise we have a problem and that hurts me.

Okay.. I am unsure as to WHY you are even with this guy??

He's controlling & nasty to you!  And it has only been a year?

Wow, you need to work on your inner strength here.  You need to learn when to walk away.

No one deserves to be controlled and insulted.  Not long after your first break up would have been good enough time to get away from him!

I feel you are young, because otherwise I am sure someone being treated this way would know better...as soon as this kind of crap started to disown that person.

Please get out of this nasty involvement 😕 .  You do not deserve to be treated this way!  He's got some problems and is making YOU suffer.

 

 

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, hummingbird555 said:

I blow off my family and friends to be with him

[Andrina]

Read articles about toxic partners and you will see your situation in them. Here's one excerpt: 

Signs of controlling behavior include: 

Telling you what's right

Threatening to out you

Needing to know everything you do and who you're with

Trying to manage your money

Secluding you from loved ones or always being present when you are with others

Acting like you don't know what you're talking about

Requiring access to your personal devices such as phone or email accounts

Breaking up several times means the relationship isn't right for you. When you think about a future with him, do you feel a warm, fuzzy feeling in your heart, or do you feel like a ton of bricks is laying on your chest? It has to be the bricks or you're severely in denial.

The right partner will positively expand your life, not make it smaller. In isolating you, he is making your cage smaller and smaller. You're holding the key to escape. I suggest you enlist the help of your parents and to be strong yourself. There will be no gradual exit to this bondage. You have to make a clean exit and make your walls strong so he can't get to you physically or emotionally. You have to go no contact, and you might even have to temporarily retreat to a place where he can't find you if he tries to track you down. 

Abusers like this don't give up easily. He already worn you down twice after breakups. You need to have a new strategy this time but it will be worth it. Envision your life with him timing how long it takes you to get groceries. He will dictate how you dress. You won't have happy holiday gatherings because he sees your family as enemies. He will hire a detective to prove you're cheating. He will put a tracker on your car.

Get out now before you've been fully zombified. Good luck and keep us updated. 

[smackie9]

Stop playing the victim here. You don't want to introduce him to your parent for whatever reason you never have disclosed in your post, you suffered through several breakups with him, and your bf is verbally abusive out of frustration with you because you are not getting along, you are stubborn as well as he is. You stay with him, you keep it toxic. Get off the pot, and dump him already.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

 

Key signs of an abusive relationship

An abusive relationship isn’t just limited to physical violence. It can include sexual, emotional and physical abuse, and may involve control of your finances. Here are some signs to look for.

Controlling and possessive behavior

They check on you all the time to see where you are, what you're doing and who you're with

They try to control where you go and who you see, and get angry if you don't do what they say.

Being unreasonably jealous

They accuse you of being unfaithful or of flirting

They isolate you from family and friends, often by behaving rudely to them.

Put-downs

They put you down, either publicly or privately, by attacking your intelligence, looks, mental health or capabilities

They constantly compare you unfavourably to others

They blame you for all the problems in your relationship, and for their violent outbursts

They say things like, 'No one else will want you.'

Threats

They yell or sulk, and deliberately break things that you value

They threaten to use violence against you, your family, friends or a pet.

Physical and sexual violence

They push, shove, hit or grab you

They force or trick you into having sex or doing things you don't want to do

They harm you, your pets or your family members.

 

You only need to check out "physical and sexual violence" in order to get the complete specter of abusive relationship with him. So get out before it escalates to even that level

On the other hand, yes, introducing somebody to your family is a big step and shows that you are serious about someone. But you dont need a year of relationship to do that. I dont mean about this guy, this guy deserves only foot in his a s s on his way through the door. Talking about some future more normal relationships.

 

[melancholy123]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your parents are right not to encourage an abusive relationship.

Read up on abusive relationships. He has every red flag there is from quick involvement to berating and wearing you down to isolating you.

Do you work or go to school? Do you have close friends to spend time with?

How isolated and depressed has this horrible creep made you feel?

Since your parents are supportive, ask them to take you to a physician for an evaluation of the depression and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Immediately end it and block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get help to understand why you are staying trapped in this.

 

This ^^^. The guy is an abusive jerk who is alienating you from your family.  Do you really want to live like this?  He sounds awful.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't want to introduce to my family someone who was mean to me, either.

However, where we differ is that I wouldn't suffer multiple breakups with such a guy--there would only be ONE, and it would be permanent.

What's stopping you from moving your focus onto finding someone who you will be proud to want in your life?

This isn't going to get better, only worse, and your family won't be able to help you get out of this unless and until you are willing to put your best interests over the interests of one who does not deserve your efforts.

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend is very abusive.  I wouldn't introduce him to my family.  Consider him short term material.  Your relationship will not endure with him which is obvious.  He is a shameful embarrassment. 

[adviceplease2]

If I was the dad...and that was my daughter....I'd want to have him come over and meet us so he'd know there are consequences for treating my daughter in that manner.  He may not want to come back or date my daughter after that.

Once he was verbally abusive over something that stressed him, he showed his true colors.  He'll do it again and again.

[Lambert]

You know this is not how you want your life to be. Dating an unstable guy that treats you poorly,  makes your family worry for you and you can't be proud of, that plays an eye for eye instead of being an upstanding guy.

Why don't you think you can do better than a guy that is punishing you for your parents' choice?  

Don't you think a guy that is serious about you and your happiness would go out of his way to fix this? Like calling your parents and asking them if he may come talk to them?  To explain he regrets the past and will treat you better?

Why are you even with this guy? These little pissing match battles are not the hallmarks of a happy healthy relationship. 

Find better. You can do better. You know that right?  Find someone that respects you and your family. And is mature enough to make peace for your sake. That's love. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with others about this situation being likely to escalate.  Please don't feel you're an exception to the rule, you're not.

Keep in mind that your best teacher, is your last mistake.  Also, bringing your self-esteem up a notch can do wonders.

[MissCanuck]

You need to get out of this relationship altogether.