Troubles with my boyfriend and his mother

[Idk9898]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I’m turning 18 years old soon and have a full-time job while I attend college full-time. But when I was in my last year of high school my single parent moved hours away to help my brother and sister-in-law with their first born. I decided not to move in the middle of nowhere with them and began staying at my grandparents. I stayed there for a month, staying in the living room, until one of my uncles began crashing there as well. There wasn’t enough space so I decided I would start staying at my boyfriends (with his and his mother’s permission) a few nights out of the week— it slowly became every night of week. 
 
My boyfriends single mother decided that we would both began paying rent. Which is more than fair. Then we had to move because the lease was up. She’s expressed how she doesn’t think we should be living together at such a young age... I agree. But in my culture it isn’t as shameful to. She also said “ I didn’t want her to move in, but her f****** mother left her” when my boyfriend brought up moving out with me, which wasn’t my idea at all. I walked away and began to cry, she apologized but it hurt me deeply. Especially since my boyfriend didn’t defend me.

 That situation has affected me deeply. I don’t want to move in with them because of it but my boyfriend insist I still do. 

She also excludes me often. For example, we are finally moving into the new place this weekend, but she told my boyfriend that she just wants him and her to start to. Making me feel excluded, like It’s not going to be my home as well. So I’ll be staying at a family members house while they stay at the house during the weekend and move things in. 

I want to move in with my boyfriend but I feel uncomfortable with how his mother feels and behaves towards me. I know I’m unwanted by her and can feel it, but my boyfriend insist that’s not true. 

I need advice, I’m young and dumb. I’m probably being inconsiderate or overly sensitive, but I want to hear from others on the situation. I know it was my decision to stay but moving away when I already had a job, applied for the local college, and in a relationship would be devastating. 

[catfeeder]

I would find an alternative living situation and skip the BF's. 

Knowing that I was not welcomed by his mother would be enough for me, especially on top of the BF encouraging my dependency at such a young age.

I'd do whatever it takes to get out of that situation.

Head high.

[Andrina]

If you can afford to pay his mother rent, you could afford to rent a room in someone else's place. As in another female's residence, mother-in-law suite, an air-b-n-b, and the list goes on.

What you want now in a relationship might do a 360 within the next decade. People usually change a lot while maturing and through life experiences. If you of you wants to break up in the future, it's a lot harder to do while cohabiting. 

And as for his mother, she was venting as it's not fun to have people outside your family take up residence in your home, even if you will one day be family. She could have been more caring in her delivery of her wishes, but unfortunately not everybody operates with tact. You don't need this stress, especially as college needs your total focus and is stressful in itself. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[melancholy123]

I think you are young but not dumb, just inexperienced due to your age.

I would not move in with him and his mother, you know she doesn't want you, you dont want to be there with her.  As stated, if you can afford her rent, you can afford another place, without her.

You dont want to be where you aren't comfortable.  Find your own pace.

At 18 you are going to change so much in the next 10 yrs or so, things will be vastly different by then.

[MissCanuck]

I would not move in with them, OP. 

She is going to make things very difficult for you, and you will not be comfortable in your own home since you know you are not welcome. 

At just 17, it is not a good idea to get this enmeshed in a relationship - particularly one that comes with family problems that directly affect you. You don't want to wind up feeling stuck at any age, but particularly when you're so young and have so much ahead of you. This situation will drag you down. 

Find your own accommdations if you are hoping for a peaceful and happy life. Moving in with boyfriend and mom will bring too much chaos and will end poorly. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Idk9898 said:

. I know it was my decision to stay but moving away when I already had a job, applied for the local college, and in a relationship would be devastating. 

Unfortunately it's not thier responsibility house you.

Who supports you? Do you work? 

Contact social services for help with food, housing, medical care, food stamp,etc. See if you are eligible for student loans and housing in a dormitory or off campus.

Where are your own father, mother, family?

Your BF and his family are not the welfare department or a homeless shelter. You need to stop imposing on them.

[Rose Mosse]

You have a full time job and you are attending classes full time. You will be very busy and this is an exciting time for you. I agree with all the other comments about considering your own place and I'd look at this from a different perspective as well - living in frustration and fear and unsure about your living situation will just cause you added stress. How would you focus on your studies and do well and work at the same time? 

Find your own place not because of anything these two are saying or not saying (bf not defending you for ie) but because you want a peaceful, stable and secure environment from which to do great things and rest/get a good sleep and finish your degree or program well. You aren't married to this man so don't get tied in so early. You're only putting yourself at a disadvantage over the long term for short term gain. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Find your own place not because of anything these two are saying or not saying (bf not defending you for ie) but because you want a peaceful, stable and secure environment from which to do great things and rest/get a good sleep and finish your degree or program well. You aren't married to this man so don't get tied in so early

Exactly. OP my guess is that you never felt "home" or safe, specially because of your mom's situation. But you can't seek that from others such as bf. You are both very young and he's not really obligated to have you over- although he should have defended you, but he's also young and is still moma's boy. Which is proof that now you don't need that in your life. You need to focus on you and explore.

I suggest you rent a room/studio and have your own "home". Safe, stable, and peaceful. Help yourself feel supported by yourself- not bf, his mom, or anyone else. You can do it! One day you will look back, and be proud that you made something much better out of this situation.

[Seraphim]

Is there anyway you can go back to living with your grandparents? Being saddled with this kind of relationship and responsibilities is not a good thing. You need to experience more of yourself and the world and do great at school not be tied to a boy and his mother . 

[Lambert]

Can you find a roommate-- through the college?  

I would not move in with her.  You are young.  You are not dumb.  His mother does not want you there.  So i would not depend on them.  

It would be a lot for you and your boyfriend to move in together just the two of you.  I think that puts too much pressure on the relationship.  Especially at a young age.  You don't want to find yourself in the future just stuck with this guy because it was convenient.

You need to find a way to be on your own-- with a roommate, with your grandparents or even relocating to your mom for a short time.

 

[smackie9]

ya where are any of your friends in this? Find a school mate, or coworker, and get a place together.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, if you don't so welcomed there, is maybe best to avoid staying with the BF.

How about renting a room somewhere?  To lessen any stressors caused with this dilemma.

As for the BF supporting you in this, I'm sure he feels extremely awkward, it being his mother & GF. 😕 

So, maybe consider something together in another year or so?  You're not even 18, so both still a little young.  Is maybe best to prolong the assistance of him staying at home a little longer, until you are both more 'stable' and ready to do this on your own.

[Idk9898]

On 10/8/2021 at 7:44 AM, smackie9 said:

ya where are any of your friends in this? Find a school mate, or coworker, and get a place together.

They either already have roommates or are living comfortably with their family. Most have a significant other they are living with.

[Idk9898]

22 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, if you don't so welcomed there, is maybe best to avoid staying with the BF.

How about renting a room somewhere?  To lessen any stressors caused with this dilemma.

As for the BF supporting you in this, I'm sure he feels extremely awkward, it being his mother & GF. 😕 

So, maybe consider something together in another year or so?  You're not even 18, so both still a little young.  Is maybe best to prolong the assistance of him staying at home a little longer, until you are both more 'stable' and ready to do this on your own.

I explained to him that I want him to have a thorough conversation with her, informing her that with my new job I can afford renting a room with someone...etc. He told me that she’s angry at my mother for putting me in this situation, and that it’s not my fault... but I don’t want to intrude.

[Idk9898]

On 10/8/2021 at 7:26 AM, Lambert said:

Can you find a roommate-- through the college?  

I would not move in with her.  You are young.  You are not dumb.  His mother does not want you there.  So i would not depend on them.  

It would be a lot for you and your boyfriend to move in together just the two of you.  I think that puts too much pressure on the relationship.  Especially at a young age.  You don't want to find yourself in the future just stuck with this guy because it was convenient.

You need to find a way to be on your own-- with a roommate, with your grandparents or even relocating to your mom for a short time.

 

I was considering relocating to where my mother is but I would most likely loose my job— it’s definitely my last option. I would share the living room with one of my uncles and I honestly felt more uncomfortable there then when I stayed with my boyfriend and his mother.
 

I don’t feel like it’s put any pressure on us, I just feel like a burden for his mother. I think I’ll feel like a burden everywhere I go until I’m fully independent... honestly. 

[Idk9898]

On 10/7/2021 at 11:35 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it's not thier responsibility house you.

Who supports you? Do you work? 

Contact social services for help with food, housing, medical care, food stamp,etc. See if you are eligible for student loans and housing in a dormitory or off campus.

Where are your own father, mother, family?

Your BF and his family are not the welfare department or a homeless shelter. You need to stop imposing on them.

Yes, I work full time and attend college full time. There are no campus dormitories and I support myself.

My parents are hours away, I stay at extended family members places. So I’m also, in your words, imposing on them as well. No matter where I go I’ll be imposing. Until I can afford to rent a place of my own. 

[Lambert]

26 minutes ago, Idk9898 said:

I was considering relocating to where my mother is but I would most likely loose my job— it’s definitely my last option. I would share the living room with one of my uncles and I honestly felt more uncomfortable there then when I stayed with my boyfriend and his mother.
 

I don’t feel like it’s put any pressure on us, I just feel like a burden for his mother. I think I’ll feel like a burden everywhere I go until I’m fully independent... honestly. 

Maybe you can cut back on classes to work more? What about a roommate to help split expenses? If not a friend, maybe someone you don't know per say but with a room for rent? Maybe through the school? 

It doesn't hurt to look.  You never know what you'll find. 

[Idk9898]

On 10/7/2021 at 6:46 PM, Andrina said:

If you can afford to pay his mother rent, you could afford to rent a room in someone else's place. As in another female's residence, mother-in-law suite, an air-b-n-b, and the list goes on.

What you want now in a relationship might do a 360 within the next decade. People usually change a lot while maturing and through life experiences. If you of you wants to break up in the future, it's a lot harder to do while cohabiting. 

And as for his mother, she was venting as it's not fun to have people outside your family take up residence in your home, even if you will one day be family. She could have been more caring in her delivery of her wishes, but unfortunately not everybody operates with tact. You don't need this stress, especially as college needs your total focus and is stressful in itself. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

So I saw her briefly yesterday and she explained that she didn’t want me to be there because she didn’t tell the landlord (her friend) that I would be moving in with them. 

I also let my partner know that he should talk to her about me when I’m not there. Ask her what she actually thinks about. Explain to her that I can now afford to rent a room with my new job. 

That will be today, so I’ll let you guys know.

[smackie9]

40 minutes ago, Idk9898 said:

They either already have roommates or are living comfortably with their family. Most have a significant other they are living with.

Post on the board at your college that you are looking for one.

[Idk9898]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Maybe you can cut back on classes to work more? What about a roommate to help split expenses? If not a friend, maybe someone you don't know per say but with a room for rent? Maybe through the school? 

It doesn't hurt to look.  You never know what you'll find. 

I’ll definitely look into it further. I’ve only now started considering searching.

I’m visiting a friend who might have an available room today, I’m going to talk to her about it. Maybe she might know someone who’s searching for a roommate. 
 

Thanks for helping. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Idk9898 said:

I also let my partner know that he should talk to her about me when I’m not there.

I disagree with this. 

She has already said no. You would be wise to respect that and not push the matter. Instead, do as the others suggested and try to find another student who is looking for a roomate. 

[Idk9898]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

I disagree with this. 

She has already said no. You would be wise to respect that and not push the matter. Instead, do as the others suggested and try to find another student who is looking for a roomate. 

She has never said “no”. She said it’s okay for me to move in and that my boyfriend and I would be paying rent since we are adults. But I know she is uncomfortable with the situation, although she agreed that I can move in. 

The issue is that she had an outburst when she was stressed and made it clear she was frustrated with my mother, who put my in such a position. So I now feel bad/uncomfortable with the idea of moving in with them. Because she’s obviously conflicted and is probably only allowing me to because she feels bad for me. 
 

I’m letting my boyfriend do so because he rather me stay with them. Rather than rent a room from someone I don’t know well. 

I do think it’s a better idea to give her space and find a roommate or rent a room from someone else. So I’m looking into it. 

 

[Idk9898]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I disagree with this. 

She has already said no. You would be wise to respect that and not push the matter. Instead, do as the others suggested and try to find another student who is looking for a roomate. 

In a sense she’s saying no by the way she’s  behaving. But doesn’t want to be the bad guy and actually say “no”. I see it in that way. But I want my boyfriend to realize that I might not be over analyzing or overthinking, as he thinks I am. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Idk9898 said:

Yes, I work full time and attend college full time.

You'll do well in life. You seem smart and ambitious. All you need to do is get through this living situation. 

You may come to find that eventually you've outgrown your relationship with this BF, and especially with his mother.

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, Idk9898 said:

I’ll definitely look into it further. I’ve only now started considering searching.

I’m visiting a friend who might have an available room today, I’m going to talk to her about it. Maybe she might know someone who’s searching for a roommate. 
 

Thanks for helping. 

This would be great! An opportunity at just the right time, will make it so easy to just step put of the problem.  Because at the end of the day, you want to be on good terms with your bf's mom.

Good Luck!