Guy I am dating is suffering from ED and wants to be alone...

[lostandhurt]

The fact that he was a coward and wouldn't just come out and say why doesn't change that it is over.

I am glad you are done with him and I understand that you would like some answers and closure but most of the time we don't get them and even when we do it still sucks giant monkey butt.

 Look back at all this and learn from it. This guy sounds physically a mess and at 34 if he has ED that just shocked him into reality that what you pointed out to him is probably true. So he is shooting the messenger instead of accepting that he has taken terrible care of the only body he has been given.

Take a month or so to heal and then get back to dating and meeting new people.  He isn't worth anymore of you time.

 Lost

[jah234]

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I wonder if he hooked up with a stripper or prostitute at the bachelor party and contracted herpes or gonorrhea.

He doesn't want to "talk", that much is clear.

This one is a done deal, I'm afraid. I'm sorry you're hurt but yes, it's time to move on.

Yea, he probably messed with one of the strippers or tried to and his junk wouldn’t work. They could have embarrassed him as well. I don’t know and at this point don’t really care either. If he was a mature adult, he would have handles this whole thing differently. 

[jah234]

19 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He did cheat that weekend IMO. Like I said...coward. And to breakup over text speaks volumes.

He probably did and knew that all hell would break lose if I found out. I don’t tolerate cheating and he knows that. Him wanting to break up wouldn’t have bothered me, it was about how he went about doing it. Even after that message I was confused and he denied me the opportunity to gain clarity or discuss. In addition to that, he pretty much starved me of affection the entire month of my bday, adding to the fact that he was out of town on my birthday. Just thinking about this makes me mad all over again. If we didn’t agree to be exclusive, I would have just went out with someone else but I’m loyal and stuck to my part of the agreement. There will not be any second chances for him. He will learn the value of what he had now that I’m gone. 

[jah234]

15 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

The fact that he was a coward and wouldn't just come out and say why doesn't change that it is over.

I am glad you are done with him and I understand that you would like some answers and closure but most of the time we don't get them and even when we do it still sucks giant monkey butt.

 Look back at all this and learn from it. This guy sounds physically a mess and at 34 if he has ED that just shocked him into reality that what you pointed out to him is probably true. So he is shooting the messenger instead of accepting that he has taken terrible care of the only body he has been given.

Take a month or so to heal and then get back to dating and meeting new people.  He isn't worth anymore of you time.

 Lost

Yes. I think he does know that what I said when we first started dating was true. I was truly concerned for his health but since he got defensive about what I said, I left it alone. Not much I could enforce after just meeting someone. Now the damage seems to have come to frustration and he blames me saying I spoke this into his life. I couldn’t believe it! I have never met anyone so reckless with their health. It’s the smoking weed and mixing tobacco, having a beer, 2x margarita, smoking again, then another beer… this is what he did when he was around me that caused my concern. Add that to him getting drunk almost every weekend, staying up all hours of the night either playing video games or watching tv and eating fast food everyday and in the wee hours of the night; No exercise and is about 150lbs at a 6’ frame. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that seems to be severely malnourished.

as I type this and read back what I wrote. Those were definitely red flags that he had a problem and it was a problem long before I came along. 
 

I read that tobacco use in addition to being mixed with Marijuana , alcohol, stress etc… can a lead to damage of the blood vessels, high blood pressure and cause ED. I hope for his sake he gets help and didn’t cause irreversible damage to his body from his poor choices. 
 

 

[jah234]

19 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He did cheat that weekend IMO. Like I said...coward. And to breakup over text speaks volumes.

It’s odd because he had no problems calling me all the other times to cancel. I can’t help but wonder why this time was different. He wouldn’t even answer the phone the entire day, before and after he sent that message. 

[Batya33]

On 10/5/2021 at 10:53 AM, jah234 said:

my use of safe place was not me going all out. Its a figure of speech meaning, I gave him ample opportunities to talk, take space and or express how he was feeling. I've asked him if his feelings for me have changed, is he into someone else etc and he denied it all and got annoyed when I asked him if he wanted me to fall back and let him be. So doing all of that, I didnt deserve this random break up text. Im even more upset that I didnt even know that it was a break up text because of how it was written. 

You didn't deserve it  and from what you wrote perhaps you see it as a figure of speech but it's psychospeak and how you described it in this post tells me how you were trying way too hard as if you were his mom/therapist - so your choice of this figure of speech is very telling.  Also it's odd since the questions you asked him were very in his face, yes - you wanted the information for yourself -so that's not really about giving space -that's you questioning him because you were unsure of his intentions.  that's all fine but it's the opposite of "giving space" - and yes you deserve better of course just consider that this was not healthy or balanced anyway - you were twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate him. 

And sounds like you ended up kind of burnt out from all that hence the asking all the questions about how he felt about you and what his intentions were.  Very valid questions -and exceedingly rare/unneeded in a healthy relationship.

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, jah234 said:

It’s the smoking weed and mixing tobacco, having a beer, 2x margarita, smoking again, then another beer… this is what he did when he was around me that caused my concern. Add that to him getting drunk almost every weekend, staying up all hours of the night either playing video games or watching tv and eating fast food everyday and in the wee hours of the night;

Sounds like a teenager that never grew up.  There was no future with this guy and you are lucky you didn't waste anymore time on him.

 I think you dodged a bullet on this one and he actually did you a huge favor.

Keep those eyes wide open the next time and the red flags will help you make good choices.

 Lost

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, jah234 said:

Even after that message I was confused and he denied me the opportunity to gain clarity or discuss.

Right. He was muddying the waters to keep you from catching on.

2 hours ago, jah234 said:

He will learn the value of what he had now that I’m gone. 

The reality is that he will probably never learn the value of you, or other people like you. So, don't hold your breath. He's just here to take what he can get.

2 hours ago, jah234 said:

I’m loyal and stuck to my part of the agreement.

You need to find someone who is more like you in this respect. It's very important. He is not like you. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Very valid questions -and exceedingly rare/unneeded in a healthy relationship.

Yes, all are valid questions and all are (usually) completely absent in healthy relationships.

If you find yourself asking another boyfriend these questions in the future, take a step back and ask yourself what you think a healthy relationship should look like. You shouldn't have to manage your partner.

[jah234]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, all are valid questions and all are (usually) completely absent in healthy relationships.

If you find yourself asking another boyfriend these questions in the future, take a step back and ask yourself what you think a healthy relationship should look like. You shouldn't have to manage your partner.

you are right. I only started asking when I noticed he wasn't making time to see me but everything else between us was the same. He was deliberately avoiding me and I couldn't understand why. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jah234 said:

you are right. I only started asking when I noticed he wasn't making time to see me but everything else between us was the same. He was deliberately avoiding me and I couldn't understand why. 

So if someone does that give them twice the space they seem to need.  You aren’t likely to get a straight answer anyway. 

[jah234]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if someone does that give them twice the space they seem to need.  You aren’t likely to get a straight answer anyway. 

Understood.

[Honeycomb8]

He sounds like he has way too many issues, is evasive, doesn't communicate effectively or well and seems very immature. I thought he was 22! Not 33, ***. 

You can do so much better. 

Also I want to add a real man does not act like this. You deserve a real man, who won't leave you confused. He's a loser and won't change, be glad he's set you free. 

[jah234]

14 hours ago, Honeycomb8 said:

He sounds like he has way too many issues, is evasive, doesn't communicate effectively or well and seems very immature. I thought he was 22! Not 33, ***. 

You can do so much better. 

Also I want to add a real man does not act like this. You deserve a real man, who won't leave you confused. He's a loser and won't change, be glad he's set you free. 

Thank you for that. I’m glad I posted to gain a better understanding of what was happening as I was initially confused by his behavior. I haven’t heard from since and don’t plan on answering if he ever decides to contact me again. 

[jah234]

Update: her called me but I didnt answer. After a day I called him and he said he called by accident then proceeded to ask me if I was ok. He then told me that he was doing better. I quickly ended the call stating that I was meeting someone for dinner and maybe we will talk later. 

I spoke to him this morning and he confirmed that he is dealing with his anxiety and when it gets to "this stage" he shuts down, cant be around anyone. This is how he knows how to deal with it. he sounded very sluggish and contradicting with what he was saying. Below are some of the things he said:

he said we are no longer exclusively dating but his feelings haven't changed

he said he didn't want to lead me on and didnt want me to catch feelings for him

he said his message to me wasn't a break up, he just needed time because I annoyed him by trying to contact him.

he said he wants to meet up again and go out as friends when he is better but doesn't know when that will be

he says he cant ask me to wait or stop me from seeing other people but to not do tout of spite to avoid making mistakes. he claims to say this because he cares.  * I know that when a man is serious about a woman, he would never be ok with her seeing other people, but yet he claims his feelings haven't changed for me. Im so confused.

he still refuses to see me in person because he feels uncomfortable and says it's not just me, he's this way to everyone including his family. His video games is his best friend right now

he always does this when "the stage" of anxiety gets this way and has lost a lot of people because of it.

I deserve someone that makes me happy and is in the stage of life to give me what I want. 

he doesn't know what he wants right now and isn't interested in dating anyone. He's not thinking about dating anyone right now, he just wants ti get himself together and his focus is more about helping himself. 

he said he wanted to see me that day but he just couldn't because he was uncomfortable

he said he wanted to call me within the last week but didn't because he didn't want to lead me on.

he said his ED went away, 3 days after he sent me that a text, joking stating that he wondered if I out a hex on him! 

Since I now know that this is all due to his anxiety, how do I know if this is his anxiety talking or if he is really feeling this way? he says he wasn't breaking up with me via that text but also said that his feelings didn't change, we aren't exclusive anymore and I can date other people.

I know this is extremely overwhelming for me and I don't think I can deal with this, but im just having a hard time processing all of this. There was a lot more said that I just cant remember right now, but what am I supposed to do with this?

This does not mean that I want him back or anything like that. This kind of serves as a bit of closure for me since the main questions that I had have been answered  and other information solidified but my goodness, he really might be unstable right now.

 

[Batya33]

You are supposed to assume he is not that into you and move on.  The rest is just noise to be ignored.  Give yourself closure. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, jah234 said:

His video games is his best friend right now

He seems like way too much work. Be glad you're free.

[waffle]

41 minutes ago, jah234 said:

Since I now know that this is all due to his anxiety . . . 

 

You don't know anything of the sort.  You only know what words he's feeding you.  For all you know he had a case of crabs he had to get rid of, but a temporary case of ED sounded safer to admit to.  How convenient that it's gone away.  Nice of him to be giving you "permission" to see others though lol.  

You'd do better to block him so you don't know when he calls, and move on to something or someone worthwhile.

[boltnrun]

That's a lot of word salad that means "I'm not really interested in being in a relationship with you or dating you".

Don't put yourself on hold for someone so lukewarm about having you in his life.

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, jah234 said:

he said we are no longer exclusively dating but his feelings haven't changed

 

That is your que to leave him behind. 

Wow he cares so much that you dont see other people because "you will make a mistake" lol. Just leave him behind and move on, dont wait for the idiot. 

[jah234]

Thank you ladies. I agree with everything you all said. Its too much for me. I have everything I need for my own closure to move on.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, jah234 said:

he is dealing with his anxiety and when it gets to "this stage" he shuts down, cant be around anyone.

Well isn't he just the most special, delicate little snowflake.

[SherrySher]

What makes you think he didn't lie about having ED?

He could just be using it as an excuse to not have to touch you, or have sex with you, or see you.

That way, he saves it for his new gf, and makes you feel sorry for him so he can keep you on the back burner in case the new gf doesn't work out.

[BecxyRex]

it sounds like he met a new woman during the trip, but is too cowardly to tell you. The ED and all the other stories about relatives dying sound like lies to keep you off his back. If you sense that someone doesn’t want to be around you, step back. 

[Andrina]

On 10/4/2021 at 7:55 PM, jah234 said:

he wasn't going to be able to make it because he was tired. I was disappointed so I left it alone. I rescheduled till the next week, this time he calls me on Thursday to tell me his grandfather died. I didnt expect to see him so I asked if he was still planning on seeing each other given the situation and he said yes. The day of the date, he called 1/2 before our date to tell me he wasn't going to be able to make it

This relationship could have ended far sooner than it had, wasting less of your time, if you would've just let him fade away, which he clearly wanted to do.

You were the one feeding that train all the coal. Ever hear of letting a person make an equal effort to gauge their continuing interest or lack of it? You called and he didn't answer, so then you texted. It's like you're clueless about reading people's behavior and can't take a hint. As for him, cowards don't want to deal with drama if he has to do the breaking up, and hopes his poor behavior will make you do the deed so that it was your choice.

Although you have some self worth, since you're not willing to not take him back, but it does need to be padded quite a bit. Why do you think a man who gets drunk every weekend and spends a lot of money on narcotics is a prize to win over and be your life partner? Even with life stressors, which I doubt were even genuine though you never even questioned that, a person usually wants the support of their exclusive partner and would make time for a daily phone call. I know if I had to go out of town to handle family issues, hearing my partners voice and discussing my day would be something I'd look forward to.

Do yourself a favor in the future and give a guy a chance to give equal effort without you doing all the asking, calling, texting in duplicate and triplicate. And if he doesn't, there is no need to delve into the whys and go into deep discussions. You give it a mental deadline and if he doesn't come through, you simply say, "This relationship isn't working for me."