AITA for not wanting to be on contraception?

[Rose99x]

Me (f/25) & my partner (m/34)have been together 3 years, for those 3 years I've used the contraceptive implant, which I've also been on since 15 (started to ease heavy aunt flow), so 10 years now.

Early on in our relationship, I told him exactly what I'm looking for & want, which is to eventually settle down and have children. He knew this, has always been aware & has said he wants the same, eventually. We said we'd see how things go between us and perhaps in 3 years (when implant runs out) we can see where we are & if we should start trying for a baby. All along since then, I've stated I respect his wishes he only wants to try when he's ready and we're ready. But I also asked him to respect my wishes in that when it does run out, I'd like to be off contraception & kinda return to normal/natural. Not to trap him or accidentally fall pregnant, because there are other forms of protection?...

So now it's running out (next month) & we've been talking about it for a few months now. I've told him I don't want to be on anything anymore & my reasons why. When he brings it up, I stand by what I've said because I firmly believe my body, my choice. I get he is involved and should have a choice, which he does..in the form of protection, but won't wear one.. 

He makes the point we're not ready for a baby right now or soon and I totally agree and understand that. We've recently moved into separate places, I'm in a flat & he's sharing with a friend, we've signed 2 year leases. He still wants to be able to do fun things together without the commitment of a baby & so do I, I'm willing to wait & be careful but now he's saying we won't be able to get intimate because of the risk which sucks.

Maybe selfishly I feel like if I was to fall pregnant, I know I'd be ok and be able to do it but I'm still happy to wait til we're ready just not on contraception?!

AITA?

[Kwothe28]

The cheater guy who acts single? Yeah, its trully a mystery why somebody like that doesnt want kids to "slow him down in his fun life".

Are you an Ahole for wanting kids? No. Its a natural progression of human evolutionary needs to have a desire to have children. To be cleared I am not saying that its wrong if someone doesnt, just that we are "wired" by nature in that way. And you should not be ashamed of that thoughts. If you feel that you are ready to have kids and be a mother, then you are ready. However, having it with the guy like that is not a solution. You want to have kids with him but he is even afraid to have sex with you if you are not on contraception(as if its too much for him to wear a condom, because, let me guess, he says it feels better without it) and with his fears and lifestyle, I dont think that is about to change soon. Or maybe ever. Having kids with somebody like that is a one way street to becoming single mom. So if you want to have kids, get out from there and find somebody who you can make your life together and also has the same desire. 

[Wiseman2]

Don't have kids with someone who's not committed to you.

You live separately, he wants his freedom.

Is being a single mother at 25 your goal?

It's fine to talk to your doctor about not using whatever contraception, but stop having sex with this man.

He seems quite selfish. No condoms, no commitment, etc.

Do you work? Does he? Why is a 34 y/o living with roommates. 

Keep in mind if you continue to be with this uncommitted BF who refuses to use condoms, you're probably on your own.

Rethink the relationship. Contraception running out while you happen to be with someone is a horrible reason to bring a child into the world.

You're not engaged, you're not living together so what's your goal here? 

Never trap someone into a relationship they aren't committed to by getting pregnant. Horrible idea.

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Never trap someone into a relationship they aren't committed to by getting pregnant. Horrible idea.

^ I totally agree.  Deliberately falling pregnant when knowing he doesn't kids right now will almost always backfire on you.  He will NOT stay with you and it's unfair to the child. This is a time not to be selfish.

That said, this relationship is going nowhere.  He wants to live a single life.  You two are on different wavelengths.  Incompatible.

[Clio]

What's wrong with you?????? Seriously!  Why are you even considering this guy as a father for your children???????????

 

It is crystal clear that this guy has the mind of an immature 20 year old and is NEVER going to grow up.  He is a Peter Pan type.  At 34 he still doesn't live on his own and is so selfish that he refuses to use condoms!!!  Chances are that at 31 he got with someone as young as you were at 22 so that he could manipulate you and pull the crap he is currently pulling - crap that a 30 year old woman would NOT tolerate.  You seriously need to grow up and drop his ass ASAP or you are going to end up wasting the best years of your life on this bozo OR, even worse, end up as a single mother with a loser ex. 

 

It would be utterly irresponsible of you to have a child with this manchild.  You owe it to your future children to find a guy who is responsible and dependable.  This guy is clearly not it.  No guy who refuses to wear condoms is.  Seriously, WHAT'S wrong with you to even consider making the father for your children someone who doesn't want them???????????   This makes you unfit for a mother.  Don't have children for a few more years please.  Based on what you wrote, you still have a lot of growing up to do yourself.  His actions scream loud and clear that he DOESN'T want children and that he is too irresponsible to become a father no matter what comes out of his mouth.  If you can't see that then you yourself are not ready to become a mother yet.   

[Lambert]

Are you the ass?

Short answer: Yes.

This guy doesn't want a kid

 

[reinventmyself]

What he says and what he does doesn't add up.

3 years and moving out, signing a two year lease with a friend and refusing to be intimate with you are huge steps backwards. But he wants the privilege and convenience of being your activity buddy on his terms.  In the meantime you're waiting for him to change?  He's 34 and you've given him 3 years of life!

I'd be looking for someone who is on the same page as you.  

Don't listen to what he says.  Pay attention to what he does. You will find your answer there.

[boltnrun]

He cheated on you a few months ago and, according to you, "acts single". And you want to have a baby with him? Why? Do you think getting pregnant will stop him from "acting single" and will make him commit to you?

If that is your plan, please stop. All that will get you is being a single mother with a child whose father will likely have to be forced to pay child support and who won't want anything to do with actually being a father. 

[Fudgie]

You're being an AH but not to him - to your unborn child, the child you wish to have in the future.

This guy has cheated on you, has made no moves to improving the relationship or committing to you, and he doesn't share your long term goals either. Why on earth would you even consider having a child with this man? He's not going to be a father figure to the kid and you'll be lucky if he even pays CS, from the way it sounds like. How is that fair to the child? Would you rather try to have a good, solid relationship and give your future child the benefit of having a present, active father and being able to model a good relationship to your child? That's so important.

Please don't make the oft-committed mistake of thinking "Oh he'll see that baby and he will come round". No, he won't and there is a glut of both anecdotal and statistical evidence that supports this. People don't magically change for babies and it's fairytale thinking to assume otherwise. Millions of children are born into crappy situations and many of them are here due to that thinking.

You and your child deserve better. By all means, go off birth control, give yourself a break. But also break up with him and stop having sex with him or anyone else for a while as you sort things out and figure out why you are settling for so little in your love life, why you would not only stay with a man who cheats but actually consider getting impregnated by the same man. 

Life doesn't have to be this way. Millions of people live cruddy, hard lives but that doesn't mean you have to. Demand more, do better. 

[abitbroken]

I wouldn't be talking babies with a "partner". Meet a guy who wants to marry you - that is really thrilled to have had the good fortune of meeting you.   Stop having sex with this dude. Do not "negotiate" with him. Find a guy who really wants to be with you .

[catfeeder]

You're setting yourself up for a miserable future. I'd stop and rethink that.

[abitbroken]

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You're setting yourself up for a miserable future. I'd stop and rethink that.

YES. this sums it up.  You are not a bison or an elk who is coming into being fertile so you have to take advantage of a male being around.  getting off contraception and staying with this man should not be linked.  For the implant, you owe it to yourself to get rid of it, to see if your cycles can be a bit more normal - but it is going to take a long time to know.  But that means that you should be celibate/abstain for awhile so that your body can reset itself because you should never risk pregnancy with this dude.  AND you will have no idea if you are ovulating or not because you will be irregular for awhile. 

I have a strong feeling that if you start insisting on condoms and also possibly go through periods of abstinence to be sure, this guy will run.   Now that you COULD become pregnant, he is going to high tail it out of there.  But i would leave HIM