Can I make this work?

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, jack1434 said:

yet there is always the chance that it simply is that this relationship is not a good fit in that respect.

 

2 hours ago, jack1434 said:

I will likely have to end things. It just feels like such a shame as she feels like my 'soul mate' in every single other way. 

It is best to end it, and make sure you do it kindly. Don't drag this situation out any longer.

21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

but the longer you stay, the more 'false' you'll continue to feel, and the more time of your life you'll deprive both of you that you can never get back again to relive for a do-over.

I agree with CatF. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, jack1434 said:

I think I should have stated that in my original post I seem to have times that I find her more attractive than others. I am aware that some people have better angles and lighting can play a large factor. Sometimes the attraction is not a problem but at others it really does get to the point it gets me down and sends me into a spiral of doubt and shame... I think it is this that has confused me for all this time. If I did not find her attractive at any point I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. 

Nope.  That's not the standard (and there's a great Seinfeld episode about the lighting thing).  The standard is -IMHO  - "do I have good chemistry with her" -not whether sometimes you think she's cuter than other times. Because if you have good chemistry then -we're human - you notice when she looks cuter or better than other times especially if you live together etc  - but it doesn't affect the overall chemistry and it doesn't give you core-shaking doubts.  No spiral. 

My husband put on weight because of covid.  I don't like it.  It is less attractive on his body.  But it doesn't send me into a spiral.  Because I love him, I want to be with him, I don't care if other men objectively look more attractive just like other women are objectively more attractive than me - so the extra weight is not a positive but mostly it just concerns me for his health.  Therefore it doesn't worry me about our marriage or love, and I say nothing to him because he knows and doesn't need me to tell him.  Plus I see him trying to exercise more and make better choices.  

By contrast I dated a guy who I felt about at times as you do about her -sometimes I was repulsed to a point where I spiraled.  I hated feeling like that.  And I realized much later after we ended things -it really wasn't about his "looks" (no, he was not objectively attractive but we had chemistry and I often found him handsome and cute) - it was about the whole package - when I wasn't feeling generally good about "us" I noticed the physical flaws.

My husband has been telling me lately "you look so cute today!".  I mean with the pandemic my hair is a fright, I wear loungewear since we telework, etc but yes he thinks I am cute.  I think he's cute too and handsome but again - if you have a foundation of chemistry and passion you accept that sometimes it wanes and increases depending but if you have that foundation it doesn't spiral you.  You don't question "uh oh does this mean I don't want her anymore?? Did I ever really want her?? Why am I noticing her flaws????"  It's the best way I know how to explain this as I've been on both sides.

The fact that it's not "all the time" is not the standard.  Yes, if there was one time here and there - like a handful of times -where she hadn't brushed her teeth and was blowing her nose  and you were like "ick, gross get away from me" - I mean sure - it's human - even then a whole spiral would be odd.  But yes one time - ok.  It happens.  But if it's a regular occurrence that affects you this way it tells me you don't have the right chemistry.  And it's not fair to her.

[waffle]

On 9/17/2021 at 5:50 PM, jack1434 said:

. . . how do you think this could be achieved?

By gaining some maturity and re-evaluating your priorities is the only way I can see.

I'm not saying looks/beauty aren't somewhat important, as they are one factor among many.  I'm saying that when you realize that you are a person who is ONLY attracted to the superficial (looks) instead of attracted to the actual person as a whole and for who they are, that's when you might start making real progress.

 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, waffle said:

By gaining some maturity and re-evaluating your priorities is the only way I can see.

I'm not saying looks/beauty aren't somewhat important, as they are one factor among many.  I'm saying that when you realize that you are a person who is ONLY attracted to the superficial (looks) instead of attracted to the actual person as a whole and for who they are, that's when you might start making real progress.

 

I think his reaction is because he generally lacks good chemistry with her so at those times he’s especially noticing the lack of chemistry he notices the flaws. Someone who has good chemistry might notice physical flaws but noticing would be a nothing burger.  A blip on the radar.  It wouldn’t trigger a downward spiral.
Like the situation where the man or woman insists on wearing an outfit the other person sees as unflattering - at that moment you notice your partner looks unattractive in the ridiculous outfit but it’s just annoying at best. Not earth shattering. 

[waffle]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I think his reaction is because he generally lacks good chemistry with her . . . 

That's not what he said.  He said it's about her nose and jawline.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

That's not what he said.  He said it's about her nose and jawline.

I know that full well. I was giving my own analysis of what's really going on.  IMHO

[LaHermes]

9 hours ago, jack1434 said:

She has a large nose and quite a large jaw. She clearly had these features at the very start of the relationship therefore I can't work out if this is something I have fixated/overanalysed overtime

Yeh. And two years is a long time. Do a large nose and large jaw carry some kind of connotation for you OP?

Op also said:

"In particular I am finding it difficult to find her attractive due to her large facial features, and at times can feel somewhat repulsed by the idea of being intimate"

[greendots]

11 hours ago, jack1434 said:

Sometimes the attraction is not a problem but at others it really does get to the point it gets me down and sends me into a spiral of doubt and shame... I think it is this that has confused me for all this time. If I did not find her attractive at any point I would have ended the relationship a long time ago.

 

11 hours ago, jack1434 said:

I think some of my issue has been that in past relationships that I have been very attracted to my partner I have found them to be more selfish and less kind/loving.

Honestly, are those physical features or the fact that she's not super attractive really what's bothering you that much? How do you feel being with someone less attractive like your girlfriend, when you know you can 'score' more attractive women? Is it really about her or what she/this represents?

I have a hunch that what's really bothering you lies beneath the surface. I really feel you need to search within your heart to gain some clarity before you make any life altering decisions such as breaking up.

[sadchick83]

She had the same jaw and nose when you started dating, right?  I find this a bit weird because usually when I meet someone, man or woman, the uniqueness of their features softens over time. I don’t notice a large forehead or nose as I get to know the person.

I agree with greendots, you are simply not attracted to this woman and have fixated on her jaw and chin.  As someone else mentioned, if you break up you can never mention that it was her jaw and chin.  You will crush her. Cut her lose or you will start picking at another idiosyncrasy.

 

[Tinydance]

I don't think it can get better or you could do anything about it because attraction can't be forced. Especially because you're not attracted to her face. Maybe if it was that her body size wasn't to your taste, you could try to overlook it. But because it's her face, this is something you see 24/7 and she also can't do anything whatsoever about it unless she got plastic surgery. It's not like if someone is overweight, they could lose weight. You can't change a face.

Also the fact that what you're finding unattractive is her nose and jaw really sounds like you just don't have that spark with her. When you're really into someone, you actually think all of them is cute. Like, you see even their flaws as adorable. The fact that you're fixating on it so much shows you are just not romantically into this woman.

I think you like her as a person and you tried to force the romantic attraction, but you just don't have it. This is why people get friend zoned, because someone thinks they're a great person but they're just not attracted to them. Instead of "friend zoning" your girlfriend you tried to change those friendly feelings into romantic feelings. It's been two years and it didn't get any better, so I don't think it ever will.

[greendots]

5 hours ago, sadchick83 said:

I agree with greendots, you are simply not attracted to this woman and have fixated on her jaw and chin.

I'm afraid that this isn't what I am saying. 🙂 He knew when he met her, how attractive she was and they have been together for quite a while. There must be some attraction. 

What's interesting is that he believes that what's bothering him is the fact that she isn't attractive enough. Again, he knew how physically attractive she was when they met and they are still together.

So, I question that. Something is simply missing. Honestly, someone can be really incredible but your heart just isn't in it. Ergo, why I referenced Lorelai in my first comment.

As I mentioned before, only your heart knows whether you can work on whatever is currently missing or whether it was never there to begin with.

I hope his heart will give him the clarity he seeks before making any life altering decisions.

[catfeeder]

The key word here is 'repulsed'.

In my book, that's a dealbreaker. This woman deserves love from someone who never--not even sometimes--considers her repulsive.

Whether that's about her nose or jaw is irrelevant.

This doesn't make anyone a villain, it's just a bad match, and attempts to convert it into a good match deprive both people of time that they will never get back to relive again as a do-over.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't even attempt to over-analyze or over-complicate this, OP. 

At the end of the day, you know that you don't find her attractive, to the point that you don't want to have sex with her anymore. 

This relationship is toast. 

[LaHermes]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The key word here is 'repulsed'.

Try to imagine your partner or spouse finding you repulsive! 

The fact of the matter is that the OP is repulsed by her "large" features that is to say, and as he has said, her large nose and jaw.  He isn't repulsed by her feet, her hands, her ears etc. He is quite specific.  This is not about attractiveness or lack thereof. 

And yet, OP, you have let this drag on for two years.  Do not waste any more of her time.  Yet, at the outset "something" attracted her to you, or you did not notice then (until six months in) the large nose and jaw.  

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 to the point that you don't want to have sex with her anymore. 

There is little more to be said. 

[Wiseman2]

Work on yourself. The OCD, the passive dependence, etc. If you don't, the next women will have some sort of "fault" you can't get past.

This is a weird sort of  Body Dysmorphic Disorder by proxy. It seems you are unhappy, insecure and projecting a lot of things.

It also seems that when a relationship progresses to commitment you start a fault finding mission no matter how inane these "faults" are.

Even if you end this, if you don't find out what's troubling you, the next woman will have this that or the other imperfection that you'll perseverate on.

[Batya33]

I think people who don't have good chemistry often start to fixate on physical "flaws" they noticed in the past but not "noticed" so I can't tell for certain whether the specificity means it's really about those features or something else or a hybrid.  I agree they don't belong together. 

[WaywardKiwi]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Work on yourself. The OCD, the passive dependence, etc. If you don't, the next women will have some sort of "fault" you can't get past.

This is a weird sort of  Body Dysmorphic Disorder by proxy. It seems you are unhappy, insecure and projecting a lot of things.

It also seems that when a relationship progresses to commitment you start a fault finding mission no matter how inane these "faults" are.

Even if you end this, if you don't find out what's troubling you, the next woman will have this that or the other imperfection that you'll perseverate on.

I would second this observation. The language you used, along with the anxiety and dissonance you are experiencing all point to an underlying psychological beyond the relationship and simple attraction.

[LaHermes]

On 9/17/2021 at 10:50 PM, jack1434 said:

My partner is aware that I am having issues with commitment but I obviously do not feel I can reveal my true reasoning behind this.

Well, then, OP. It would be advisable to let her go, do NOT mention a word about her features.  Make any other excuse you wish.  She is aware anyhow, as you say, that you are not committed.