Am I the drama? Why did he leave again?

[islandgirl27]

I (30F) met a man (38M) on a dating app about two months ago. Since he was a single father and worked overtime most of the month, we mostly communicated via text message and saw each other once or twice a week briefly. He would often text me long paragraphs of how we were meant to be together, how I was perfect and he had a lot to offer me, and how he could see us having a wonderful life together and just being happy. He was very detailed in these fantasies about this lifestyle we could have. I was a bit skeptical at first because I did not want to be love bombed, but I appreciated how into me he seemed to be. However, in person, he was completely different-- he was distant, cold, and emotionless, so I was really frustrated at how he could text me all of these wonderful things but then not act like it in real life. One night, we were having some drinks at his house and one deep conversation led to me calling him an "idiot" and told him I might not be the right girl for him after getting frustrated that he was so different and cold towards me in person. He got mad and called me "selfish" and having "little empathy" for his situation. I was upset at this and just left without saying a word more to him. The next morning, he ended things between us via text. I accepted it and moved on.

About two to three weeks later, he texted me that he was still confused about what happened. We started to talk more about our feelings and he finally explained that he had felt put down, which I completely understood and apologized a few times and told him it was wrong of me to call him an idiot for expecting him to know what I want. If I was in his shoes, I could see how my words hurt him. I explained to him that I was hurt about his words about my character when he really does not know me, and up until then I thought I had been showing a lot of understanding and compassion for his situation of being a single father with a heavy workload, and still trying to find love. I think he understood where I was coming from and also apologized.

Fast forward to now, we had been seeing each other for another month and everything was going great. Again, he would say how I was perfect in every way, but now he kept pushing to be in a relationship and for me to meet his son. I wanted to take things slow and told him I wanted to be sure about us first before rushing into a relationship and especially rushing to meet his son. I did not want to be pressured into a relationship but he kept bringing it up. To me... I feel that before we can start a relationship we have to be in love and sure about one another, and I wasn't in love with him yet, but I didn't tell him that, instead I expressed wanting more time and patience as I was not sure yet about a relationship. So the other night, we were having drinks (sidenote: we rarely have drinks together, we mostly work out or relax and have a nice chat about random things), and things got heated between us again. When I drink, I tend to forget details, so I can't remember how the conversation got to this, but I mentioned that I was so sick and tired of offering support, compassion, and understanding to every boyfriend I have ever had but I have never felt that I was offered the same back. This made me get a little teary-eyed, and that's when I said I was "disappointed" that he has not hugged me or comforted me when I'm hurting. I really can't remember what happened after, but I know what he ended up leaving in a hurry without saying another word. The next morning he sent two texts saying he was done and in his own words "not coming back this time."

So here I am, really confused and hurt that this man who said I was perfect and was so important to him, just ended things with one text without letting me explain myself once I was sober and clear-minded, but also he didn't even explain how he was feeling. I also can't remember everything so I wish he could just tell me what it was that I said that upset him. He said in his text that I played an "emotional rug pull" and that "it's not good for others". Which... I am upset because, again, he has no idea how I am with others and he shouldn't be summarizing me like this. I never open up to people and I don't cry in front of others. Either way, I just wanted to hear him out and wanted to be heard myself. I think it's highly unfair that he doesn't even want to talk about things. I feel like every time I cried, opened up, and showed raw emotions to him, he leaves me. I thought I could trust him.

I am not asking how to get back with him, I don't think we belong together how he always said, but I am frustrated and trying to figure out what is wrong with me? Why did he do this to me twice without even giving us both the chance to talk about it? Am I dramatic and the problem? I barely ever drink, but damn... I shouldn't be punished for getting a little tipsy and emotional. What now? Please someone give me some advice.

Thank you.

[smackie9]

Sorry but you shouldn't. Why torture yourself with all these struggles. Getting the guy to have any kind of emotion is like pulling hens teeth. You are sounding a little desperate and you need to take a step back on what you are asking. He may say sweet nothings, but it's all hot air. You are not compatible, nor does this guy fulfills any real expectations of how you like to interact with a man. He's a cold fish...yuck. You can do way better than this.

on a side note, stop drinking...it makes you an emotional mess, and have no filter. That's a lack of control. You need every bit of sober to think clearly on your decision making on what you say.

It's a good thing the drinking is something you do not do on a regular basis.

[boltnrun]

I advise you to get a handle on the drinking issue. I'm willing to bet whenever you've been weepy and emotional and wanted "support" it was when you'd been drinking.

He doesn't have to forgive you for what you said and did while drunk once you're sober. It would be better to not say those things in the first place. I wouldn't want to take a chance of getting involved with (and having my kids get close to) someone who could fly off on an emotional tangent when they're drinking.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, islandgirl27 said:

The next morning he sent two texts saying he was done and in his own words "not coming back this time."

Sorry this happened. usually drama takes two.  He was hot/cold and had his own  drama going on.

Step back and reflect if you were even compatible. This is way too much conflict, misunderstandings and drama for 8 weeks dating.

 It doesn't matter in the end because he was simply a poor fit. In the future don't present yourself as damaged goods or talk about exes.

[islandgirl27]

Thank you for reading and your replies. I really appreciate your comments and it gives me some perspective to think about.

I completely agree that I shouldn't drink and become an emotional mess when I'm around a guy I'm dating. It's off putting and I could see how that makes me look. I don't normally drink, so I hadn't picked up on that, but now I am much more aware of it.

Also, normally I wouldn't share about my exes or my past unless someone is asking. I know I can come off as reserved, so I wanted to show him I could open up, especially since he asked me to let out my insecurities to him. He had talked to me about how his ex cheated on him and I was very supportive and understanding. So I guess I felt that I could do the same, but really it just backfired and I am the one who is seen as damaged goods.

[Rose Mosse]

Is he still married? What's his situation exactly? Pay attention to a person's coping skills. If it's to leave in a huff and a puff or call it quits and not only that, go back for round two, you know you're not with someone who's emotionally stable enough to have a relationship. 

Avoid drinking on dates like this.

When you say he's cold in person, how so? It might help to write it out and explain the details. You're still hurt but I don't think he was willing to listen. You were picking up on signs that he's aloof and not emotionally available or hot/cold. Pay more attention to this. You don't need reassurances once you spot this. Take a good look overall at his situation and what he's doing or behaving and you'll have your answers.

[Kwothe28]

I think he kinda played "emotional rug pull" on you. With "love bombing" and then being cold in person when he saw it doesnt have that much effect. He told you what he thinks you want to hear and then backed off when it had no effect. As others have said you shouldnt drink. You not even remembering what you said is concerning. There is "tipsy" and then there is when you dont even remember what you did and said. If you are like that when you drink, then you shouldnt drink. That is one problem. Second is that you dont know what you want. At least to that guy(dunno if you are like that in general) you seem quite cold. You turned him off when he wanted something more(I am not saying you werent right in that case, at least when it comes to meeting his kid you were 100% on point) and called him an idiot and yet expected him to be all over you and hold you like "a little drop of water on palm of his hand". We have a saying here "Lovely lamb gets milk from 2 mothers". Meaning that warm and lovely person gets much more then somebody who is being cold and closed. At least in this case and from what you wrote you were the second one. And still expected the treatment of the first one. If you want somebody like that first you will have to at least try to change and be more emotionally opened person. And then to find a guy who would be like that to you. Like this you have a disparity there. Where you come of as reserved but still expect them to hug you or comfort you. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, islandgirl27 said:

One night, we were having some drinks at his house and one deep conversation led to me calling him an "idiot"

What leads you to feel name-calling is acceptable? I am sure you can imagine how this would look if the tables were turned, and what the reaction would be here if a woman told us how some guy she was dating got drunk and called her an idiot. 

1 hour ago, islandgirl27 said:

I mentioned that I was so sick and tired of offering support, compassion, and understanding to every boyfriend I have ever had but I have never felt that I was offered the same back.

Girl. No. There is a difference between opening up, and crying to the new guy you're dating about how your exes have wronged you. 

1 hour ago, islandgirl27 said:

I said I was "disappointed" that he has not hugged me or comforted me when I'm hurting.

You lumped him into the same category of the exes you were crying about, and you exepct him to comfort you? Really? 

1 hour ago, islandgirl27 said:

every time I cried, opened up, and showed raw emotion

How often were these emotional displays happening?

Look, I am not trying to be hard on you, nor say that he was an angel. But you have got to get a grip on your emotions and learn better boundaries - and not to project past hurt onto a new man. 

[Tinydance]

Well to be really honest, it doesn't really sound to me like you were both acting that mature for people in their 30's. He seemed to be acting weird and too full-on by sending you these really long messages about how you're perfect for each other and meant to be together. And wanted to be in a serious relationship straight away and to meet his son. He doesn't really sound that mature or stable if he's acting like that straight off the bat and not really thinking things through.

On your side though, I think you obviously act quite off putting when you're drunk. While being full on but that guy still really wanted to be with you. Both times that you were drunk around him you started accusing him of things he apparently didn't do and things like he didn't hug you and calling him an idiot. Who likes being called an idiot? For one thing name calling is immature and I would be pretty angry if someone did that to me too. Also in the beginning of dating things are meant to be "light and fluffy" and just enjoying each other's company. Nobody wants a lecture straight off about how they're doing all these things wrong and they're an idiot and so on. I think you really need to try to watch your drinking and get a handle on what you're actually saying. It's OK to have a few drinks but if you know you start causing issues when drunk then maybe just try to avoid drinking in the first place.

It doesn't really sound like you and this guy are meant to be and like your expectations or communication styles actually mesh well together.

Also no offence but it sounds like you expected him to be really grateful that you're "understanding" that he's busy and a single Dad. Well yes it was nice you were understanding but that didn't mean he had to fall at your feet and proclaim how thankful he is. The thing is, yes he is a single Dad and that is his life. If you want to be with a single Dad then that is your decision but to tell him that he's not doing enough for you, while you're so understanding etc, etc..is a bit lame. You either accept that he's a single Dad or you don't. And if you accept it that doesn't mean you deserve some kind of special treatment.

[Capricorn3]

Personally I think you dodged a bullet.  This guy is all hot air and you two are incompatible (imo). Completely opposite and I think he would be a nightmare, but that's just me.  Be thankful that you dodged this bullet.  Whatever you do, do not go back to him. Ever.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think he kinda played "emotional rug pull" on you. With "love bombing" and then being cold in person when he saw it doesnt have that much effect. He told you what he thinks you want to hear and then backed off when it had no effect. As others have said you shouldnt drink. You not even remembering what you said is concerning. There is "tipsy" and then there is when you dont even remember what you did and said. If you are like that when you drink, then you shouldnt drink. That is one problem. Second is that you dont know what you want. At least to that guy(dunno if you are like that in general) you seem quite cold. You turned him off when he wanted something more(I am not saying you werent right in that case, at least when it comes to meeting his kid you were 100% on point) and called him an idiot and yet expected him to be all over you and hold you like "a little drop of water on palm of his hand". We have a saying here "Lovely lamb gets milk from 2 mothers". Meaning that warm and lovely person gets much more then somebody who is being cold and closed. At least in this case and from what you wrote you were the second one. And still expected the treatment of the first one. If you want somebody like that first you will have to at least try to change and be more emotionally opened person. And then to find a guy who would be like that to you. Like this you have a disparity there. Where you come of as reserved but still expect them to hug you or comfort you. 

I love the lamb quote! Which country/cultural background are you from if you don't mind if I ask?

[Lambert]

What is wrong with you?!?!

You were dating a psycho. That's  what

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

He was love bombing you. He showed you what he is about.  Believe him.

Sorry it stings but 2 months? don't dwell on it. Just learn from it. Don't give love bombers and the emotionally unstable (all lovey dovey over text but cold in person. big red flag!) chances. 

You weren't as perfect as he said, but how would he know that?  It's all just bull crap to get you to cater to him.

This lose is a gain. If you use it to make better choices in the future. 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, islandgirl27 said:

However, in person, he was completely different-- he was distant, cold, and emotionless, so I was really frustrated at how he could text me all of these wonderful things but then not act like it in real life.

It doesn't sound as though this^^ was ever resolved.

Your first fight was 'around' this problem, but you don't mention that you ever really cleared the air about it directly.

So... it played itself out again. He wasn't behaving in ways that aligned with his assertions. You came out sideways in a general way of speaking about 'all' boyfriends, and once again, in yet another un-straight-forward way, you passed on clarifying for him (and yourself) the ways in which his behaviors and words didn't match.

I'd chalk this off as a 'wish-and-miss'. Sure, it would have been great if the two of you enjoyed simpatico together, but it just wasn't there.

This doesn't speak of anything 'wrong' with you, but rather, it speaks of his limits--and you never would have felt the 'click' with this guy that you want in a relationship.

You've known this for a while, and THAT is what got you upset.

Sometimes we need to take the longer road and the harder way to learn this unfortunate fact about someone who we WISH could be compatible, but they just are not.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, islandgirl27 said:

in person, he was completely different-- he was distant, cold, and emotionless, so I was really frustrated at how he could text me all of these wonderful things but then not act like it in real life.

I am curious to hear more about this. 

What was it you were expecting him to do or say in real life that he wasn't doing? While I agree that his texting sounds over-the-top and I would be skeptical too, I also think a lot of people communicate differently through writing than in person - especially in the beginning when many still have trouble being open when they are in front of the other person. 

So, can you elaborate, OP? Was he not affectionate in person? Quiet? Were you hoping to hear all the same things that he had written to you? 

[poorlittlefish]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What leads you to feel name-calling is acceptable? I am sure you can imagine how this would look if the tables were turned, and what the reaction would be here if a woman told us how some guy she was dating got drunk and called her an idiot. 

Girl. No. There is a difference between opening up, and crying to the new guy you're dating about how your exes have wronged you. 

You lumped him into the same category of the exes you were crying about, and you exepct him to comfort you? Really? 

How often were these emotional displays happening?

Look, I am not trying to be hard on you, nor say that he was an angel. But you have got to get a grip on your emotions and learn better boundaries - and not to project past hurt onto a new man. 

100% this.  You were only with the guy for two months, you didn't even see him very often, yet you say, "Every time I cried"?  Being so emotional so often, right from the start, would put most people off.  His lack of emotion probably meant he wasn't equipped with how to deal with your other extreme.  You and he were a bad fit.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

His lack of emotion probably meant he wasn't equipped with how to deal with your other extreme.  You and he were a bad fit.

That's my take too. 

I am not sure it's fair to tar and feather this man when OP conducted herself poorly on a few occasions as well. 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I love the lamb quote! Which country/cultural background are you from if you don't mind if I ask?

Eastern Europe/Serbia. I had a Grandma that had a bunch of those sayings. Some of them like that one about the lamb stayed in my head as they are quite universal and can be applied to situations like this. 

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, islandgirl27 said:

He would often text me long paragraphs of how we were meant to be together, how I was perfect and he had a lot to offer me, and how he could see us having a wonderful life together and just being happy. He was very detailed in these fantasies about this lifestyle we could have.

Sadly, is just that, fantasy... He had NO clue whether you two were compatible.. nothing. 

 

You just take this with a grain of salt, that he is NOT stable or one for you.

Was only over a cpl of months time.... his actions were odd, his talk was not in the least on how or who he really was.

Not sure you knew his history at all?  If his kid is young, he is quite possibly still dealing with his baby mama drama and is still reeling over that break up.

So, although this guy is 'seeking' his perfect partner, it'll be a long while before he is able to find it.

You both clashed, that's all.  This just wasn't going to work out and you learned this in good time.

You picked up red flags, which was good and began to question them.  Now you know, he's not for you.

So, you stand up tall and move along. 

[islandgirl27]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for your responses. Some of you said some very honest things that I probably needed to hear, take to heart and just do (or not do) in the future. To clarify, the first time I felt like crying was when he called me selfish and I left the car before I started to cry so that he would not see me in such a way. The second time is the event I described, after we started talking again, and we have only drank twice together. So when I said "every time I cried" it was just those two times. I also never have more than two drinks because I don't like being drunk or disorientated. I feel like there was a lot of focus on the drinking, I never really noticed that when I am with an S/O and drinking, I might get the liquid courage to be emotional. Honestly, you guys are right about me being cold and distant too. I realized yesterday as I read your comments that I don't know/ don't have emotional balance. I am either reserved and detached or toooo much emotional after a drink, which sucks!! It is part of my social awkwardness. It should we worth saying, I have been going to therapy for months now, and I will bring this up next time. I know I acted poorly too and at the moment, I feel like I'm....no good. I need to find better balance in life. I don't particularly think I am an emotional mess or feel very sorry for myself, I am just another awkward person trying to figure life out and trying to self improve. For the most part, I have a pretty happy life and family by my side.

A lot of the comments have brought up the fact that he made up a version of me in his head and his fantasies that just wasn't the real me, and that we were just too incompatible in the end. I agree with this, and I also agree that I wanted it to be the right fit so bad, that I overlooked all the red flags and kept going along with this "fantasy" he painted. It's hard to think objectively when someone finally wants you, especially after a period of quarantine solitude. 

Some of your comments made me laugh, and I am grateful for those of you who have showed me compassion. I am thankful to those of you who have been objective and straight with me, even if it hurt to read at first. But most of all, I feel unequivocally cared for by you random strangers who took the time to read my long post and comment your honest opinions. This is my first time posting here, so I am grateful to all of you!

Thank you

[boltnrun]

Just because you didn't behave in a stellar fashion a couple of times or just because you wanted to believe someone doesn't mean you're a bad person or have terrible judgement. It's a learning experience. We all have them. 

You'll be better equipped going forward.