Self Improvement To Win Back Ex

[Openreach]

Hi folks I've read a lot of "experts" advise to "be the best version of yourself" to make "an ex miss you." 

Just remember you can do all of the work and improve every single thing about yourself- but ask yourself have they? If they haven't or even accepted any blame at all don't bother. Do it for yourself but not for them

Imagine someone who has been manipulated in a relationship until the dumper became bored/got other interest and ended it. 

The Dumper fails in rebound/s as nobody else will put up with their controlling behavior. When no options are left.

Then it's "Come back the Prince/Princess of Doormats all is forgiven!" The All New Improved Doormat who is now even more sorry and scared to leave than last time is back. 

 

[SooSad33]

Huh? 

Are you inquiring about anything - or just venting?

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Openreach said:

Just remember you can do all of the work and improve every single thing about yourself- but ask yourself have they? If they haven't or even accepted any blame at all don't bother. Do it for yourself but not for them

I agree. I don't tend to suggest that people must drop all hope of reconciliation after a breakup, because when grieving and trying to heal, that's a tough nut to crack--and it's unnecessary.

Hope can be something we can set onto a back burner as a comfort, even while we put our focus forward on self-development and reaching our own private higher ground.

The good news is, as we start climbing, our own investments become more important, and the ex becomes less and less relevant.

At some point, we either gain a new perspective--to the degree that we wouldn't even want the ex back anyway, OR, we grow into someone who would not accept the relationship the way that it was--AND we have the vision to see whether the ex has grown into someone who could satisfy the person we've become.

[Openreach]

I was just venting. You can make all the improvements in the world and get them back. Ive done it. But then you might realise the other person hadn't done any work at all and was still exactly the same as before.

I'm not saying that i don't agree with Self Improvement (i do) but I think there's a  serious flaw in the plan when it's done to get the ex back in certain situations.

It's easy to believe it's "all your fault", but sometimes maybe it isn't..

[Kwothe28]

18 hours ago, Openreach said:

Hi folks I've read a lot of "experts" advise to "be the best version of yourself" to make "an ex miss you." 

 

That is because lots of "experts" relly on people who didnt get over their ex to read the article. So saying something like "Just be the best version of yourself and your ex will be chasing you" sounds very good to people who want to hear that and gets clicks. Also, for some reason some exes "hate seeing you happy" as people would say. So when they see you looking good, or having fun, or even with some other girl/boy it triggers that impulse in them how they maybe missed something about you. So in some cases it does work.

However, what has been broken rarely gets in good place again. That is why the ultimate goal of healing after break up is to accept the break up and move on. And to say to yourself how that person wasnt right, or even in some cases especially good for you. But that there is somebody out there who is. 

[Batya33]

One reason my husband and I got married after dating, getting engaged and cancelling the wedding years earlier was because we both changed.  But honestly I never thought of it as "improvement" - we each changed in different ways over the 7 years or so during our 30s we were apart.  Some were internal changes, some external and some a hybrid.  I actually wouldn't say about him that he needed to "improve" - so that when we reconnected we clicked and were compatible in a way we hadn't been in the past -so the two of us together were an improved couple but not because of "improvements" we made to ourselves.  

[Openreach]

My point i think is that some people don't know they're being abused/taken advantage of and then get dumped when "someone else" better comes along. You could do loads of work improving yourself and think its this new improvement that's won the ex back.

BUT it might just be the rebound didn't work out this time and it was easier to take the old one back until the next one comes along. Especially if the old flame is willing to pay bills and pay for holidays etc.

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Openreach said:

My point i think is that some people don't know they're being abused/taken advantage of and then get dumped when "someone else" better comes along. You could do loads of work improving yourself and think its this new improvement that's won the ex back.

BUT it might just be the rebound didn't work out this time and it was easier to take the old one back until the next one comes along. Especially if the old flame is willing to pay bills and pay for holidays etc.

 

Some people do lots of stuff.  You're referring to a very narrow situation but the title of your post was very broad.  I think someone whose sole focus is to improve to win an ex back is a person who is not suited for a healthful romantic relationship.  I do think there are exceptions -for example if sobriety is self improvement or working on a gambling addiction and the ex makes it clear that she does want the person back if he stops gambling, stays sober, etc then I do think self improvement like that makes sense.  

I also think that if the ex returns the two people have an adult conversation and discuss their intentions -why they are back together, what changed and what their future goals are.  That way they can know right away if those align.  But a person who is in a "win you over" mindset might choose not to have that conversation so as not to rock the boat.  And yes then that person who has that mindset is risking it not working out for the same reasons again.

[Lambert]

In a way, I look back at my failed relationships with gratitude. Whether I ended it or got dumped, most of the time, it caused some form of self reflection. 

In turn, that reflection lead to changes and improvements in a my life. 

I don't think any one person deserves credit. Other than myself! lol.

But I do agree-  as I shifted, I saw the ex as pretty pathetic and not what I wanted anyway. Of course it was hard and hurtful every single time... but I wonder if I would have done and accomplished as much without the experiences.

Maybe it was to "show them".  However, think I that quickly fades. As with anything, once I got focused on some other project, my mindset changed.

That bit of advice to myself has been my most beneficial.... When the poop hits the fan- take stock of what's working and what I CAN control.  Focus on those things. 

[boltnrun]

My ex told me he'd "changed" because he wanted to get me away from someone else and go back to him. Once I went back it was obvious he hadn't changed at all.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Openreach said:

 You could do loads of work improving yourself and think its this new improvement that's won the ex back.

True. Those cheesy "get your ex back" videos and scams claim that you can do a complete overhaul and then the ex will be awed, with have an epiphany and come running back.

It's sad that these scams/videos play on people's heartaches when mostly it's just clickbait.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

My ex told me he'd "changed" because he wanted to get me away from someone else and go back to him. Once I went back it was obvious he hadn't changed at all.

Yes. So in our case we never asked each other whether we'd changed - we just knew after 7 years apart apart we wanted to be together again and give it all we had to make it work and go the distance.

[Openreach]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

My ex told me he'd "changed" because he wanted to get me away from someone else and go back to him. Once I went back it was obvious he hadn't changed at all.

That's a very important point. It's one thing changing and another sticking to it.

Depending on how far people take it this could range from anything from getting a few extra muscles to a full blown personality change. 

 

 

[askdan]

I've read a lot of self-help ebooks on how to get an ex back or how to stop a divorce, etc.

Here's my two cents on the strategies: 

In a perfect world, it should work. And it IS very good advice. Yes, you become a better, more improved, attractive version of yourself, BUT in my case, my exes resented me for being happy, improved, and successful. In fact, the more successful, improved I became, the more they hated me, instead of being curious about the new version of me.

Instead of coming back, meeting up with me, or giving me the benefit of the doubt, they hated my guts as they became hostile, resentful, malicious, and vindictive. These ebooks are mostly 'one-size-fits-all' advice, but very often, when you cannot control a situation (exes with excessive anger, mental illness, pride, lack of judgment), there is just so much you can do!

Take it from someone who knows. 

[Openreach]

Totally agree Askdan.

[Tinydance]

I think of course a lot of people want their ex back, especially if they were the one that was dumped. To be honest I never really thought that I was going to get any of my ex's back at all. Maybe I hoped for it initially but I never expected it. I actually don't necessarily believe that you could get your ex back if you improve yourself, become a better person, etc. I've realised the hard way that people don't really change. I don't mean that as a bad thing and of course people can improve in certain ways, but the very core of who they are and their personality won't change. 

I think most relationships end either because those two people were just incompatible in various ways, or the timing/circumstances weren't right, or both. I don't really see how someone can "improve" themselves to the point that they can just fix all the reasons why it didn't work out. I think that maybe often when people "get their ex back" it's for the wrong reasons. E.g. Their ex was lonely, didn't find anyone else, got jealous they're dating someone else. If you get your ex back because they genuinely love you and realised they'd made a mistake, that's different. But it wouldn't be because someone just magically improved themselves. In most cases anyway.

[Rose Mosse]

None of this applies for me as I operate or live my life along the lines of: If someone wants to walk out, stay out. There is no going back after that as my view of the person starts to change. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

None of this applies for me as I operate or live my life along the lines of: If someone wants to walk out, stay out. There is no going back after that as my view of the person starts to change. 

And that’s great you know that about yourself. I knew we’d both changed and that it made perfect sense after 7 years apart to give it another chance.  16 years and a few weeks later I thank the heavens I was able to see that potential and take the plunge.  I think our son is too - he wished me a happy Labor Day “because you’ve been in labor”.  Oh yes I was. 
I also had set in stone dealbreakers and that really helped me not waste too much time.  Sounds like this is one of your dealbreakers.  

[Capricorn3]

6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

None of this applies for me as I operate or live my life along the lines of: If someone wants to walk out, stay out. There is no going back after that as my view of the person starts to change. 

^ Yep! That's me too, lol.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Yep! That's me too, lol.

In our case - I wanted out.  But then he did as well.  (When I wanted to get back together a month later).  But then almost 8 years later, we both wanted in.  I also think what helped is we didn't try again right away -less "bad blood" and there was zero cheating or abuse or anything of the sort.

[mg22]

Books and theory's of getting EX back is all nonsense, everybody is different.. i think you should go and try to improve yourself for anybody to notice but should be done for yourself ., if the ex didn't mind losing you at your worst why would he want you at your best?  Either way, only you know your worth no need to prove anybody that you changed. When someone loves you , they accept you NOW not later.

[shiner501]

When you break a glass, it is impossible to put it back together the way it was before it was broken.  The same goes with relationships, as hard as it might be to accept that fact.  The cracks reappear.   

It is never quite the same afterwards, the trust and identity of being together making it through anything together has gone.  Been there and got the T-shirt as many others have.

You should improve yourself for you and to make you more attractive for the next person that comes along in your life - and they will.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, shiner501 said:

When you break a glass, it is impossible to put it back together the way it was before it was broken.  The same goes with relationships, as hard as it might be to accept that fact.  The cracks reappear.   

It is never quite the same afterwards, the trust and identity of being together making it through anything together has gone.  Been there and got the T-shirt as many others have.

You should improve yourself for you and to make you more attractive for the next person that comes along in your life - and they will.

Ours was so much better.  No comparison.  It was years later and we both recognized the right person wrong time that led us to end things in the past. Whole new relationship and in 16 years back together almost 13 married it never occurred to me when we argue or have our differences that if we ended things in the late 90s the same thing would happen again.  And I’m an overthinking type for sure.  The cracks did not reappear because we were very different people and different together. 

[askdan]

Well, I am back with my ex. After her dumping me back in 2004 (see my earlier posts from that year), I moved on, as she spent over 10+ years regretting ever leaving me as I was in a new relationship by the time she realized her mistake.

We are back together, married with a child, this after she hated my guts for over a decade. YES I significantly improved myself over a decade, I've read a lot of self-help books BUT it was not to get her back, but just to move on, meeting another partner, etc. 

The books did work in my situation, but the results were delayed by over a decade. I would not advise anyone to wait that long to get an ex back. 

The best way to get an ex back, is the formula below, and it is not more complicated that that:

- NO CONTACT (yes, people will hate me for this)

- Move on

- Improve yourself like a vengeance

- Have spiritual faith

Actively pursuing an ex will just have the counter-effect. The more you pursue, the less chances you will get him or her back.

My two cents...

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, askdan said:

Well, I am back with my ex. After her dumping me back in 2004 (see my earlier posts from that year)

So you are married to two women now?